Break upon Pressure

 Beautiful Life

All belts should break upon pressure.

Because sometimes thinking smart is not in the picture.

I'm angry because this has become a thought pattern, although I was told.

If not the proper help, they succeed eventually.

This belt broke.

I'm here, but no one asks if I am ok.  

I don't use belts so that is not an option, 

Nor would it ever be.

My insides scream for a situation I have no ability to fix.

I am the parent 

So I continue to ask the Universe, and the Earth we are on,

Give him some light 

And make the belts break

Every time he thinks they are an option.

Where are my people when I need to talk?  I don't ever want to burden anyone because I am put on this planet to help others....not to burden.  The failure I feel is so immense it is almost overwhelming.  Like a heavy blanket.  I am here.  Working, parenting, loving, leading and caring every day...but it is difficult.  Difficult to sometimes find the happiness I need to help others.  The person who used to ask me every day, "how was your day?" is no longer and there is no-one who has stepped up to take that place.  This is a hard hurtful spot inside me. I'll be ok.  I know it. My weakness are these kids and walking looking backwards is not helping to build the strength I need to move ahead.

write ya later,

m

365 Days: Day 226 loss

Day 226

Some days you just break.

Loss.

it is the hardest for us left behind.

A black cat crossed my path this evening as I walked Foxxy.

at this point....

It's a given.

xo,

m

Under the Milky Way...

enjoy, Perseid's Shower, my friend

Lesson I am Learning : Projection is not about me

When the storm clears, and the clouds begin to part, things really become more clear. 

Quite interesting how this almost always seems to be the case. 

Comical, in fact

Strength comes in many forms and through out the years I have forgotten exactly how strong I can be.  

Recently I was tested, reminded, reinforced and a pretty amazing  feat happened. 

I saw myself for who I am, 

and what I have to offer...

and why people are in my life....

boom

Strength shows itself at strange times, and I am going to assume it is mostly at times when it is really required. The other times it just hides itself, feeding on different subjects, learning and waiting to pounce into action for recovery.

Love and kindness, on the other hand, often prances around, tossing out daisies and compliments, not necessarily draining you.... but maybe opening one up to jabs, that little by little can cause misunderstood pain.

I spoke to Miss Jody (therapy hippy) about why this happens.  Why, when one person is generally nice, loving, and kind to most people, they feel the hate the most? Do they have to carry the weight ? And when this happens...How do you continue to care and not necessarily love, but be nice?

question: Why do the few I love the most say such mean things?

Loving, even when hated....I will not waiver from that 

hate me for many things but know I love deeply to those in my life

As a human, I can honestly say, when there are people in my life I care for them.

..ups and downs, 

anger and 

life changes. 

 Once I say this person is a good soul...I protect that. I can watch friends make mistakes and suffer pain and I will 98% empathize, and if they are in the wrong..

"mistakes happen, 

own them, 

learn from them, 

look around and see who stands quietly next to you..."

they are waiting for you to realize and learn

Learning about how many people will project their hurt or failure onto you has been a bit of an eyeopener the last few weeks.

Definitely a subject I knew about, but have not recently been strong enough to realize:

 It is not me...

It is the other. 

When my heart hurt...many came forward to hold my heart in their hands and be strong when I couldn't...when I could not hold the weight of my son, my anger, and was in fear of losing my own heart to pain...

people came to me with the words of wisdom

"I love you, we love you, you are so strong Myssi and we will take care of you so that you can take care of this....You will not break"

In privacy of work quiet areas, run clubs, late night texts and calls...

people came to me and let me cry, so that I could be strong for others....

all of this hidden away from my family. 

As life has it, a few did the opposite.
a few went missing...
a few were not who I thought they could be

Growth periods in life are not instability (mentally, emotionally or physically).... 

they are strengthening...

you bend, you hurt, you question, you don't break

you learn....

Anger is never a primary emotion.

Hurt and failure usually proceed. 

Anger is a pot stirrer....and when projected often returns itself with anger.

and as full circle 

feeling of failure and hurt follow.

I need to remember this when friends project their rejections or failures on me....

it sucks dick.

 

This is exactly why I no longer hate....

I remove myself....

it's so hard....

but I don't want to think poorly of the people I loved.

I guess the lesson here is 

Forgive and Forget

everyone fights their own battles, some may seem shallow to you but are important to them.

People can dig and look for love all around 

use an app, swipe all different directions, beg for it, put on your best clothes for it, 

But that shit is organic....

it crosses your path and it stays....

it's there....

love

so many different forms and people

I suggest you try to look around and hold onto those people who do love you

you know who they are

so...stop projecting your insecurities and open up

It's pretty amazing

xo,

I'll be right here

waiting...

m

short list

I'm so fucking mad right now.
frustrated and mad.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Where is my strength and confidence?

I need to get out of this situation.
Problem is, as I see it right now, I can't just leave.
But why can't I?

This has been an issue with me for 10 years....I should have left then
When I still had some opportunity for success.

Here's the big thing.
I have become the person I never thought I would be.
Looking outside this relationship is bullshit.
That is not me, obviously it is me....
But it is NOT me.
I cannot say I was pushed to this but I cannot live in a household where my friends have been banned, sex is non existent, and there is no laughter.

My list is short...
1. I want someone to talk to....about life, books, humor, current events....we don't need to agree, just discuss .  I like to feel like the person I am with has something to offer in the form of intelligence, and a will to teach and discuss. I like to learn....so teach me...I too may have something to offer.
2. I want someone to take control once in a while.  I'm exhausted from doing most for the house.  I want someone who shares their needs and participate within the relationship....not living their own life, then showing up for the meals and preplanned vacations.  This mine is mine and yours is ours is bullshit.  Step up, add something to the picture, hey....go buy toilet paper, when you run out, clean the toilet once in a while, spend some of your "personal secret money" on the relationship.  Plan something and don't  say...." I don't know....what do you want?"
.....talk about emasculation...this is where it starts...if you can't make a decision on your own....and I have to do it every time....I become the man of the household.....I DO NOT WANT THIS!!!!  equal is good...or even, you take control for a bit.  take the reins.   I'll support you.
3. I want sex.  Intimate sexy sex.... fucking, loving, anything...I want someone to laugh and slap my butt...and I'll tell you what...I'm the most affectionate person you will meet.  When I want and love someone....I'm all there.  I want to sleep next to someone who wants to curl up and be close to fall asleep.  someone who wants to have a quickie in the car.  Give and receive....sex, love, knowing, intimacy, heat , breath, touch....   I can't take this non affection anymore.   I want to kiss someone.
4. I would like to do things once in a while.... I am perfectly capable of doing things alone, I prefer to hang with the people I love....so being in a relationship but never participating in anything together is fucked. It's hard to continue to support one person when they don't care to make the effort to support you.  It's just not worth it.
5. I don't feel like asking people I want to hang out with ,to hang out with me anymore. It's fine. There really are plenty of interesting people out there.  Maybe I chose a few of the wrong ones.  I'm not going to beg, and please don't try to get back in when you realize I have moved on....
6. last but not least ....be present.


There , I said it.
with all that said, I have been stressed to the gills. Work is shit and I have been throwing my resume out there. I am not hip on learning a bunch of brand new work stuff right now....but will if I have to.
I have my 5 year mammogram coming up and I can feel a lump in the same boob as before. I haven't told anyone, so I thought I would say it here.  I'll find out what they have to say in March...I'm gonna hope it is just fibroid cysts and call it a day, because if I have to go through all that crap again this household is going to fold big time.

write ya later,

xo,

m

love story of an inconvenient time

A love story from a time long ago.

       We all have a story as such.  A beautiful love story which occurs when there is not a possible right thing to do short of drastic risk. Memories which always come back as "What if's", tears, and  lessons learned. We all have a story, each and every one of us.


....are you ok?.....
hmmmm, what is this, who is this?
......pertaining to what you said....you sounded....well, not ok.

Jesus Criminy, I thought I deleted that. I know I deleted that. Yes , I was mad....hurt, pissed, sad, and I had to get it out. To a world of non people, who I don't know and will never meet.  It's frightening, yet exhilarating to just dump it into the world and no one really knows you, so no damages can come from it.

      But someone did notice and he was intriguing.  His short conversations were honest but guarded. Easy banter among friends.  Especially easy when you really don't 'know' the person.

I remember when it turned the corner.
......what are you doing? , did you know you are hanging out right around the corner from me?.....
No, I'm seeing a band.
......yeah, you just posted and I live right around the corner, I could come up......
pause, ~~heart racing~~
NO.  I'm good, it's late, I'm not staying much longer.

But the feeling was exhilarating, but also wrong.  I was in a committed relationship, regardless of the up and many downs.  I always have kept the faith that the downs will turn around and my relationship at home will be better.  I do have morals, I think, or at least my brain has morals, my heart thinks differently.

then next morning, before I was even awake.....
......I love that picture of you working out on the carpet....
( huh,? that picture is 3 years old). Hey, that's an old picture , what ? did you do go through all my pictures, weirdo?
......yeah
All 3000?
......pretty much.
(inside smile, and a chuckle) weirdo.

This was our friendship.  Banter online at any given time.  He was a late owl, I was an early bird, he was a meat eater, I was not; which in agreement made our friendship incompatible from the beginning.

But he made me smile, laugh, think, and encouraged me, probably unbeknownst to him, more than anyone in my family ever did.  He noticed things and held me accountable when I was wrong. I could count on him to acknowledge life and cool little corners of it in a similar way as my own. His photos of his day to day life caught my eye and I felt an odd connection with another person who saw life in pictures and words....simple pictures and words.

I don't remember how we first spoke, mostly through funny banter and an occasional message about our day? I don't remember the first time I noticed his comments, but upon looking back, it must have been about 2 years. 2 years. That is a long time for chit chat.  The friendship was inevitably going to change one way or another.

........tbc

Write ya later
m

Love it or leave it....

Sometimes things aren't really funny.  I am the type of person who really just tries to find the light in the darkness.  I laugh at myself ....a lot.  I laugh at others, not in a rude way, just to brighten their day.  I try to let people see things aren't always so serious....yet sometimes it is very hard for me to take some things, which people feel are really serious, seriously, when I put them in the spectrum of my life or the Universe.  Often, when I do such things in my head I think, "What the hell?  Why are you so worried about such silly things...Japan is under water!"  But to actually express that to someone makes Myssi a "rude Bitch." 

So, that is how I roll, love it or leave it, and honestly, many people leave it.  

With that said, I have been spending many quality hours on my own.  I met a great man in a running group who has really been a mentor.  Encouraging when he he should be and scoldingly brutal when need be.  He set me on a schedule and has helped me see my strength again.  We talk when we run, which is nearly impossible for me, but it allows me to focus on breathing and to open up about my issues as I run.  To me, it is like a therapist in sneakers.  Over the past month I have been given some great thoughts from the outside world on how to maintain a bit of happiness at home, when sometimes it seems there is no way.  To not expect emotion from people who do not have that kind of emotion and to search for what makes me happy...and follow through. 

The follow through part has been the hard part.  With kids, it's not so easy.  I would love to travel nurse.  Really, I could take the entire family in the summer, but it doesn't seem feasible.  Bobby is lost in a job that is going nowhere,but through my running and talks I have found from a male point of view that is something he needs to conquer without my voice in his head.  He needs to be the bread winner and he cannot quit and do nothing.  He has to figure it out.  So, I will be quiet and let him do just that.

In the in-between, I am just trying to stay happy.  Be me.  Let my friends be them, and just not expect so much from people, except myself.  

I am strong, not everyone else has found their inner strength.

My goal is to not worry so much about bills and money and enjoy life as we have it right now and in the near future, because when it is all said and done, I want to say I did that...and had some fun.

write ya later

m

It's A-OK

Today was the last day of my true clinicals. It was uneventful, which is just fine. When I walked out the door the clouds opened up and rays came down and all seemed right in the world. Truly right, although only momentarily...it was A-OK. I danced a little jog, did a little yelp and wished there was someone to kiss. I hopped in my car and went home, changed clothes, slapped my running shoes on my feet and took off for a mind cleansing run. As I ran, the semester flew off the ends of my fingertips. The anger and angst for my teachers were pounded out through the bottoms of my soles and I ran. I listened to NPR and thought about an old lover who told me,

"why not run 7 miles? You have two working legs...why not?"

And he was so right. Just run.

I thought of Forrest Gump, "Run Forrest, RUN!!!.........Run Myssi RUN!!!!"

My mind weaved in and out of NPR and Ira Glass's soothing voice, as I thought of how my life is my own and I can make time for myself. I wished I could take the burdens this old friend seems to be carrying and run them away for him....because it seems he may never be able to run far enough.

I want to make things right.

I willed myself to forgive the anger which wasted my mind space on someone who didn't believe in me.

I ran.

Everything pounded out on the pavement, slowly, evenly, with direction.

As I rounded mile 4.5 a biker came by and yelled, "You GO girl!!!!" and thumbs up.

my heart opened.

my mind cleared.

and it was A-ok.

I arrived home, went upstairs, and scrubbed everything else off, and down the drain. Felt the strength in my legs, the slight pain in my knees, and smiled.

One more test, 4 more weeks, and another part of my story will begin.

Because I am strong.

strength

My legs are strong...
They have carried me far.
My heart is forgiving...
It loves without thought.
My mind is vast...
It moves forward and openly.
My eyes are clear...
They see beauty in this life.
I am strong.

xox,
m