Break upon Pressure

 Beautiful Life

All belts should break upon pressure.

Because sometimes thinking smart is not in the picture.

I'm angry because this has become a thought pattern, although I was told.

If not the proper help, they succeed eventually.

This belt broke.

I'm here, but no one asks if I am ok.  

I don't use belts so that is not an option, 

Nor would it ever be.

My insides scream for a situation I have no ability to fix.

I am the parent 

So I continue to ask the Universe, and the Earth we are on,

Give him some light 

And make the belts break

Every time he thinks they are an option.

Where are my people when I need to talk?  I don't ever want to burden anyone because I am put on this planet to help others....not to burden.  The failure I feel is so immense it is almost overwhelming.  Like a heavy blanket.  I am here.  Working, parenting, loving, leading and caring every day...but it is difficult.  Difficult to sometimes find the happiness I need to help others.  The person who used to ask me every day, "how was your day?" is no longer and there is no-one who has stepped up to take that place.  This is a hard hurtful spot inside me. I'll be ok.  I know it. My weakness are these kids and walking looking backwards is not helping to build the strength I need to move ahead.

write ya later,

m

Just breathe

I'll miss you

I mean I do miss you 

already

meet you on the other side

 

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands

The ones I love,

Some folks just have one,

Yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,

Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,

Never gonna let me win, aw-huh,

Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,

Yeah, I don't wanna hurt her, there's so much in this world

To make me believe.

Stay with me,

You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean.

I wonder everyday

As I look upon your face, aw-huh,

Everything you gave

And nothing you would take, aw huh

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Did I say that I need you?

Oh, did I say that I want you?

Or if I didn't I'm a fool you see,

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean, ah

Nothing you would take,

Everything you gave.

Love you till I die,

Meet you on the other side.

xo

m

Almost Day 21....when I wrote this.

I really did sit and cry the other day at lunch

I sat outside and texted a few people in hopes of being rescued from my own mind.

I was reminded that I was strong and that it wasn't much longer...

and I know that.

I know that

I know

I want to go home.

but then I think of how wonderful this has been 

escaping the pain of my home life and troubles,

 in an area where people do not know me,

but everyone appreciates me...

our jobs keep us so busy that there really is no time for heart hurting pain

or the fact that we are doing some crazy ass nursing shit

we just keep moving

the days are irrelevant and the biggest thing of the day is what you are ordering for dinner 

and if someone will steal it from the food delivery area or not.

I got lost almost every day for a week at Jacobi...

These staff nurses made the days ok...

they were hard asses but I got used to the NY yelling and the weird sense of humor

they made us feel like family

How will I ever stop calling everyone Mommy and Papi

 (it's a Bronx thing)

 Take a minute.  

smiling underneath 

It's soooo hot in those stupid gowns.  

Every room we walk into or come out of we have to don and doff...

every time.

all of that comes off and goes in garbage then you put it on again.

it takes a minute....

when someone is coding (dying) it seems to take 30 minutes to get it on properly

I look at this everyday and wonder what the theme was

These two...Jack and Jenna...

they aren't a couple but were inseparable ....

So weird to see them without masks.  

They look awesome, never would have guessed

still empty.  March 1, 2020

Lots of bridges and I couldn't figure out which was which but they were cool

every one in a while there were donuts from someone.

Covid donuts...

but the nurses we are, we ate them

He started filming the bus ride in slow mo....phone taped to the window.  

He got left once at Jacobi , because his patient coded at shift change and we didn't all know each other yet....after that we always yelled " Is Brandon here?"

Chuck...

Southern as all get out and came from Pediatrics.  He learned how to wipe adult ass and he successfully changed his first bedpan ever,  We all cheered and wrote "I changed my first bedpan!" on the back of his gown 

We tried to stay perky 

renegade Flower Arrangements in the NYC garbage cans...

better than wasting all that beauty

Jordan 

another Colorado nurse

I need to figure out that face...

I saw it all over

I can’t take as many pictures as I would like of the situation I find pertinent, although I have snapped a few.    My feet hurt, my heart hurts , but not as much as these people losing life and loved ones.   It seems for every celebration of an extubation, 3 will die.

   But yet we still must celebrate .... we must.  

We are working too hard to not.   Everyday I go back to my hotel and shower like my life depends on it, sleep, and then do it all over again.  

I will never hear this song and not think about Jacobi 

and how it was played every time they successfully 

got a patient off the ventilator

( with covid, 75% of the people die if they were intubated)

so when we hear this.  

we cheer, no matter what 

because we are cheering not just for the life, 

but for the work we all did, 

for the breath they breathe on their own, 

and for their family who is not there to see that fight 

they are fighting 

write ya later,

xo

m

I have maybe one more NYC post left in me

Day #1 officially done. HOPE ?

I got up at 545 as instructed and went downstairs ready to go, signed the roster and waited.

we were told to go back up stairs we were on call.

good.  

I sat for a bit then I walked around.

got a few pictures.....

then decided I better figure out my food situation 

the city is literally shut down and there is delivery but it is a bit spotty

So I attempted to make it to the Target downtown

It was quite surreal, walking down Broadway and everything is closed

quiet....

pigeons literally ruling the roosts

fighting for garbage crumbs...

Times Square....just not what I expected and not nearly as big with no people...

Beautiful buildings, and lots of stuff to see, I almost forgot I was in the 

Big Apple with all the scary crime and such

The phantom was closed

I stood right here on a the street and took a picture as I walked at lunchtime to 

Times Square...

No One

Social Distancing

The Copa...

Neil Simon.....

and then there was this

yeah.  seems a little ironic right now...

we are afraid of everyone.

and everything

I'm back in my room at 430

I have a sandwich and I'll save half for tomorrow.

I spent the entire 76$ for the day's food today getting some supplies, so I'm hoping to make it a few days.

The more I sit and think the more anxiety I have.

Katie texted from her shift and I commended her on having her first day off in 14 (tomorrow)

and how strong she is...

she is almost done with her 21 day countdown.

so it seems doable 

obviously it is doable

just need to get started so I can say

"The sooner we get started the sooner we can be done"

Write ya later,

m

Listen:

" didn't know a friend could be so small and have a heart as big as the moon" s. rowe

💜