a few weeks ago I was really struggling, really struggling.
I had a day at work where I was called to HR for a good reprimanding. It's not uncommon for me to get called into the office for speaking my mind. I am a charge nurse...and if you aren't familiar it is a low paid leader. A leader of the people(nurses etc) who save your life , I make the schedule and do everything no one higher up wants to do...with no extra pay. If you are a nurse long enough in an area it is inevitable that you will be moved into a charge position. Something that I have avoided up until late. I am a leader by nature, but I am not a role model. I can educate people and preceptor, but I am not an ass kisser and never will be. I am unable to follow rules consistently, especially if I think they are asinine. I am able to follow policy, but not made up rules by people who have no idea what the hell is going on in the real world. And if you do not understand that last statement, then really think about some of the shit they come up with at work that is not policy....ie: only 1 ream of paper at the desk, no drinks etc at the computer, no listening to headphones ( even if you work independently on a computer in the basement). I just can't buy in. Policy yes, rules no.
Besides this, I had been called to the office, once again, for a snarky attitude and standing up to a new Doctor who came into our operating room and wanted to change the way we do things for his benefit and I called him out on it. But honestly, this is not the issue. I knew I would get called in. Nurse vs Doctor....never going to win unless it is a critical situation and 98% the nurse has better skill than the education of the Dr. But this wasn't the case that day. I said what I said and stood by it, not backing down and 3 days later got a call to the pretend HR department. **** HR: the lady who does payroll is also HR, she hates everyone and you cannot go to her for anything because she is part of everything. It is so biased that I'm not even sure how they can even legally call it HR.
I took my lashes and left. grumbling under my breath , wondering why I stay, why I put up with a place that does not appreciate my work ethic, skill, humor, and even snark. But the big part came as I drove home.
I had no one to call. My rock, Sissy, is gone. She was the one I spoke to every single day on my 45 minute drive home. A check in call, a "hey, whatcha doin?" call. But, she is gone. then I realized I have no one, Not a single person I would call to tell my shit to. Not my friends , not my other half, no one. She was my burden carrier.
As I thought about this.....
my heart sank dark. I have always been a person to have many friends. And I do. So many, but not a single person I would tell my heart ache to. Zero. I drove home weeping and snortling with self pity. I have felt this before but this came over me like a heavy weighted blanket.
Why am I here?
Why do I go to a job that hates me?
why do I continue to move forward? what. ?? to make some money, pay bills and encourage others to be happy? all while I want to die?
I was so heavy with burden I went home and thought that my life , as valuable as I know it is, because it is LIFE.....life , at that moment, carried no value to me at all.
I picked up the phone and put it down, I started to text a few people, but erased it . I cried, I thought about life in the future with out my sis. without a person to talk to, without that friend , or really any friend who knows everything about me . I thought about death.
i thought about death
How I know I need help with the burdens I carry. It has become too heavy for me.
How I wanted someone right then to not say a word but encase me in their arms and say, "You are strong, I am here" yes
that is what i need, needed safety
I got through it. I sat and thought about the people I love and my kids. It was strong enough this time to keep me safe.
I didn't have a plan, but I did have a vision of what it would be like to not carry the pain.
i made a note to myself
"please get help"
xo,
m
