Is life better now? Is it? Who knows. I'm alive , which is better than some at my age. I've lost a few. The universe picks weird people at weird times, but I refuse to question that. I have learned so much about life and wonder how I survived the first half or so as grand as I did.
Let's not push the envelope.
Good things: work family kids a few friends not many.... a few
Average things: time for myself lack of sex drive ( yes I said it) distaste for cooking my self esteem other than that, life is satisfactory/grand.
Life rolls up considerably weirder and weirder and as a female, there are less humans to discuss it with. Less humans to ask questions to. As females we disappear into the abyss of "old lady syndrome"we become invisible, so the idea and effort to change into going out clothes fall far beneath the need for a Walmart $7.99 smock with pockets
I used to always write on Thursday nights, it was a thing.
Now I'm just a bit too lazy to have a regular thing.
So now the thing is once a year or so.
Time flys...or is it flies...whatever, it moves quite fast once you are past the age of 50.
I'm not sure I was prepared for how fast or the issues which come with it...there is n ow no extra time, NONE...
It's funny, because at work the other day one of the younger nurses commented on how busy I am all the time during the summer. I looked his 30 year old self right in the eye and said,
"I have maybe 15 more summers left and some of them I may not even be healthy enough to do exciting things, so while I am able to wear the bikini, ride a bike and travel ( not all at the same time) I am going to make the most of it"
He said , " that's a little dramatic isn't it?" ....
Uhmmmmm, no. No, it is not.
Think about it....
as of right this minute on the couch, I can think back 3 summers very clearly and the things I did.
Those summers are gone.
3 years...3 summers...
So with that math I have about 12 left....
I have at least 2 more summers planned out
Puts me down to 10 summers.
10 years seems like a long time but yet is passes so quickly when you are just working and thinking about what you are going to do when you grow up.
It passes quickly when you are caring for teens and young adults and working full-time.
it goes by fast
super fast.
it's like when you tell your partner
"I'm too tired, let's revisit this tomorrow"
and before you know it you haven't even kissed in 4 years.
It goes by fast .
So now, my Thursdays have turned into once every 6 months while I plan what I should be doing to make my life a more exciting place to spend my adult years.
Friends from years gone by, from now, from short spurts of travel....but I'm lonely.
I don't have THAT friend anymore.
The friend that shows up with beer in their Pjs
The friend who meets you after work
the friend that says, "I'm in!"
i don't have it
Being older makes it harder to make new friends or be part of a friend group. Most women have their friend group and aren't super open to new besties. It's a thing.
I've heard from people among posts and passing by things, people I know say about me " she is the most unexpected friend you can have in your circle....she will sit and hold your hand when needed. shes the one you want in time of need. ( the reference was on a death situation)"
i think this is true
but would anyone hold my hand ?
who's gonna pluck my chin hairs and sneak me cocktails ? WHO?
Arriving on Friday afternoon was like walking into the past. Landing in my home town, in which I escaped from so many years ago, held a feeling I didn't realize I had in me.
Home....Old home....history home
I drove the Miracle Strip to my destination
not really worrying about time or distance, and you know what ?
I arrived...
no stress.
That was the last part of my
"stress"
Well, honestly it wasn't stress it was something I am unable to describe....
but it was something.
I'm just going to type what I feel.
Not sugar coat anything for anyone
because, honestly, this is for my heart and a way to sort out feelings
We sat and reminisced , and really did whatever she felt well enough to do.
Would it have been easier if she was literally on her last day? maybe for me.
but I was thankful for this time.
We ate...
and I welcomed that.
She had a rough night....and that made my heart break.
As we talked we discussed life and death and the untimely way it shows up.
She told me she wasn't scared to die anymore.
She had a dream
She dreamt (or not) that she was above her body, she said,
" I was looking down on my body and I wasn't scared. Not at all. I was fascinated....my body was like transparent and I could see every vein in my body...it was glowing the most beautiful blue. Myssi, I wasn't scared. But what did amaze me was that I could feel warmth and comfort. I realized we have one life and we need to love and be the best we can. My body looked so amazing under me...
then as I was looking around, there was a warmth and I swooped back down into my body in the bed.
Thats when it was weird because I wasn't sure if I was actually dead or alive. I knew I needed some water, so I slowly got up and walked to the bathroom to get a sip. I still felt weird so I still wasn't sure what was real or not. the retrieval of water went well in the bathroom so I thought , what the hell, I'm hungry so Im heading to the kitchen for watermelon. By my 5th bite of watermelon I knew I was alive....but what I saw and felt was very real."
"but I'm not scared"
Well, I'm scared.
The reality that we are no longer young and invincible.
We are older and we may not have long to live.
Friends are passing and there is really nothing we can do.
I text her every day.
I look to see if she has turned on her phone.
The past 3 days she turns on her phone and sends this :
I'm guessing this may be the last bit of conversation I have with her.
