Off My Chest ...Bag of Dicks

I have been holding this in along with a few other things for about 4 years now. And that is way too long to have these feelings of animosity; it has really become something that I am ready to let go of. They do not deserve my energy, but everyone heals at their own pace.

The ex: 
Fucking abusive narcissistic dick of a person. I would like to think that he was not always that way, but in hindsight I always knew he was, from the first altercation, to his dealings with his previous ex and child. I should have known, but I was blind to that at the time. 
It happens to the best of us. 
 His attitude towards change, life, and people that didn't suit him was abominable and I really should have seen it. The fact I stayed as long as I did is insane, but abuse is like that. Gaslighting, lying, and then me ignoring it all for 15 years says a lot about me too. Jesus, I hope I have learned and acknowledge why he was put into my life. I am still embarrassed to admit I allowed myself to put up with prostitutes, lies, treating my children as he did, treating our friends the way he did (then blaming them), treating his family the way he did (then telling me they were all assholes and for me to never associate with them) and the cutting off of his entire social circle.  One can only chart that up to mental health for so long. When a person is unwilling to get help and blames everyone else....that's abuse.  Now we live with the fact that he cut off his daughter at 15 years old. How does a mom explain this? People say , "Oh she will figure it out." Well, yes she will, and she did, but the better thing should have been that she NEVER had gone through this. For an adult, the Father, to say, "She should be making more of an attempt to talk to me, she should be apologizing to me." That is absolutely ridiculous. YOU ARE THE ADULT. THE PARENT.  He gets what he deserves. He has missed his beautiful daughter's life so that he could trty to punish me. That is a piece of shit.

 I'm ok saying that now.

 He turned me into a person I never wanted to be. 

A person who no longer trusted, and who questioned love and life, who ended up having to lie to protect myself and daughter and to make our lives better and safe.  Among the things he did to us, the mental abuse was only part.  I learned a lot and am thankful for the people who stayed in my life during and post all of this malarkey.  If he can cut people from his life as he does/did....he gets what he asked for.  I will always feel bad for his family, father ( who he is exactly like), and friends who he hurt as he did.  They will never know the entire story. He can say and do anything he wants about us now and I could care less.  People who know him know and people who know us know too.  And lord help whoever comes into his life and buys his bullshit. Because it will happen to them too, eventually.

The Friends:
The friends. The friends I thought I had and thought I knew. Fuck all of those people, and why did I even let it bother me. It did bother me. It bothered me that I thought they were friends and I had confided in them and that was the first mistake. I had thoughts in the beginning that these people were not my people, I should have stayed at a distance at that point.
 The woman/girls were not who I would have associated with. The men were not either. But at the time, it worked for me. I felt accepted by the guys, never by the women. Cliquey and pretentious they were, but I still tried. Later to find out, they never gave 2 shits about me. 
My mistake. 
That won't happen again.

 Never did they offer and condolences or check-ins on me. That's fine, as I've moved on, I now know they are where they are to be and so am I, with my family. One thing I won't tolerate now is to be associated with them as happened the other day. Some said to me, " I don't associate or trust anyone who is friends with _______." Before I could say, "wait a minute, that is not me....I am NOT friends with those people " I was sent on my way.  

hello?  

not me.
Myssi, there is your full sign and proof that they were never your friends and on top of that are most likely not the " righteous people" they think they are.
I am thankful for MY friends who stuck by and continue to be in my life. The people I love and enjoy and we laugh and check in on each other, without judgement. Those are good people.
Those are people of good nature.
Too much energy was really wasted the last 4 years, 
too many tears.
I've watched my daughter grow into a person who is pretty strong, yet has started out her adulthood with hatred, mistrust and also left empty and void of the love she needed as a young girl.
Thankful for the man who is in our life who shows her the most love and acceptance she has yet to experience and I hope that helps her and I hope she sees that not all men are bad.

I hope it helps her to see me, her mom, able to love someone without fear or suspicion.  To be able to have friends of any gender over to the house and enjoy company. To not have to sneak out to see long time friends... now they can come to the house and knock on the door....and be welcomed in....with no fear.
The energy wasted I can never get back.
Starting over has been exhausting 
this year will be freeing 
no more wasted emotions on people who bring me no joy.
good riddance.

again for the people in the back

good riddance

may you reap what you sow

xo,

m

scared.........shitless just make dinner

(personal)

Tell me........

 is this a sign.  is this what I need to hear

the few days we spend 24/7 you are .....

well....

Maybe you?

swat my hand 

"get out of here, myssi"

"Do what you do"

unfortunately ,I have no where real to go ....

maybe that is the catch....

as you just said.  maybe that is the way it needs to  be....

 "I do every thing for you...."

Is that to make me feel?.....

something

or to remember how it was....

you....

cunt....

bitch....

you...you........

(just look it up..... everyone knows)

do what you do....live your best life....

 get out...

plenty of people to pick up the pieces. 

Lined up

have you once thought....

yeah

if that was what I wanted I would.

"live your best life, myssi.... go on.....I'll just hang out here"

I'm not here to fix anybody....

I'm no longer here to have anyone fix me....

I am actually good...sad ,but ok

I AM strong

but that does not mean.........

nevermind....

Keep pushing

Keep talking.....

keep.....

talking

at some point you need to listen

to 

what 

you

are

saying....

listen

have I said?

anything

all the things

you have said.

if you are scared 

shitless

then

say 

stop opening the door

for

me 

to

leave..................

I will.

xo,

m

Kindness .....the simple answer

Some times things are just that....

"Simple"

As I have been doing my homework for therapy I have been struggling with how I can be better.

Not better as a person, because honestly I am a pretty great person...

but better in my abilities to help the ones I love be better people. (and to not sound like a twat, to also help me see the ways I have made mistakes and possibly not do them any more, or at least know that I am doing it)

Now we all know you cannot change a person, but with gentle encouragement one may be able to help a grown ass adult see the light in a different way.  Maybe shut up for a minute and say," wait a minute, I have never thought of it like that."

Granted , this is not a thing for teen to 37 year olds, but I think at about 40 or so, people are able to have some insight to life.

So, I came across this beautifully logical article and it just made sense.

PERFECT SENSE

Here is the mystical answer I was looking for.....

The Secret to Love is Just Kindness

link here to article

seems legit

As I read said article I got all antsy on the inside.  

YES!!!!

how many times in my life, to myself (under my breath), or to my partners and even to my kids....

JUST BE KIND.

BE KIND

So, in my struggle to figure out how I can be the best I can be for all the people I cross paths with and attempt to build people up instead of accidentally (or not) tear them down , I took this study to heart.

You can be kind or be an asshole and the relationships ,and I'm gonna guess this goes for not only lovers but friends too, which survive are the ones who are actively kind and responsive.

here is the part that hit me in the heart and made me say ..."this right here"

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that

The partner has a choice, read it again,..... a choice.   

Turn towards or away

acknowledge in a kind manner (regardless if you give a shit or not) or turn away.

I have been guilty of this.

I remember early on in my relationship I was so unsure and unsafe from the baggage I carried (and still carry) that I could not accept anything as truth.

"you are beautiful" was answered with "whatever" and thoughts of "they say that to everyone".

It was my answer to everything.

Even though this person, looking me in the eye, was saying it because they felt it.

I negated those feelings, I turned away, I did not connect.

This habit does not make for a relationship of trust and love.

I am only going to point out that one thing. There were many, and they came back like shots in a war zone.  I will not talk about the other person, because he did what he did to protect his heart.

18 years now and we still turn away and I know we are doing it.

Even when we try to be kind, I feel it and I question it, now in the back of my head...."he's just saying that because the therapist told him to" or "he knows I'm upset so he is trying to back track"

I never think

"he loves me"

can you see the problem here?

Moving forward with a smile, I am, at 50, learning to accept responsibility and the love people can offer and give it back.  There is no reason for me to be a dick to people anymore, and honestly there never was a reason. My wings were never broken they were just not fully expanded and now they are. I know my faults and I hope people reading this will understand their faults too.

That pointing out people's ugly traits to their faces is not always the best in the long run.

be kind.

love hard

listen 

touch

and 

don't wait to tell someone their good things 

and be understanding that your bad things....

they can be fixed 

I believe in you

and me

just listen.... so far from ok...........

little changes, let us make.

xo,

m

Fuck you is not the appropriate answer

    

   
     It's odd when someone, who you enjoy, shows their true , unknown, personality.  Eyeopening to say the least. This is the kind of thing which usually happens when speaking about politics or guns.  You know, the shit you don't talk about.  The shit that comes out after 3 beers and a bad day on facebook.
     Well, this scenario was different.  This actually hurt my feelings.  I know , I know.... you should never let people invade your head space, especially people who do not deserve the space... except, I believed this person DID deserve the space.

I was apparently wrong.

Story is : This individual laid into me within a minor Instagram post in which I was admiring a fabulous burger and asked if they offered a veggie burger.  It's no big deal, I have been vegetarian almost all of my life....I do not preach, my choice is my choice.  With that said, I eat just as everyone else does. I eat burgers with piles of stuff on them, I eat tacos, I eat soup....When I go to third world countries , I pick around the meat to show respect.  I don't complain.

POINT IS:  All I was asking is  " do they serve that same super burger but with a veggie patty? " WTF?  The answer went something of this sort
" This is why I would have any issue dating a vegetarian or vegan....I do not care about your veggie burger, or whatever..." blah blah blah.  ( it went on a bit further, and was a bit hurtful and crass)

I , personally, do not care what you eat.  Why would you make me feel like an asshole for asking a question which could be kindly answered with, " I'm not sure" or  " Hmmm, I bet they do"

Fuck YOU , is not the appropriate answer.

I guess the bigger picture is that I like this person.  Makes me laugh, makes me smile, appeared to be pretty well rounded and kind.  I had it wrong. Honestly, maybe this person was trying to hurt me on purpose. But....why?

I would never in my life knowingly say dickwad stuff to someone to hurt them.  I just wouldn't.  I care too much and it's not worth it. So, unless you are fighting a fight with your enemy, just think twice.  What goes around comes around ....it's called Kharma and whether you believe it or not, that shit will get you.

write ya later,

m