Wash That Job Right Outta Yo Hair

amazing how this works

I woke up this morning and was rested.
My motivation has re-entered the room.
My sense of calm has shown it's face again.
Amazing what happens when you quit a toxic job and all the toxic people.
It felt great to delete them from my life, my social media and my cortisol level.
I'm not sure if all of this was brought on by my own brain or if things really turned for the worse and I just lost my sense of reality within the work space.
It does not matter one bit now!

Don't think I didn't cry or think " Am I making a mistake?"

What if, what if , what if.

Don't think I didn't question all the people I confided in at work.

How could they be so back-stabbingly cruel?

not just to me, but to many.

The Passive Aggressive Buddhist is the one that really got me.

I shouldn't admit it , but I did think about ways I could bring that person down at work...

But I knew it would not make me feel better in the long run.

But I still hope that the Karma Goddess gets them in some way.

Although from the person's history....Karma is constantly getting them, but they are too stupid to see.

That brings me some joy.

I did lose a few people who I really thought were my friends.

That is what I get for thinking and you would think I had learned this from divorce, but apparently i'm a bit of sympathetic person.

(Ie : idiot)

I laughed silently this morning as I walked through the grocery store; smiling at people and feeling....normal. 
I didn't think, " man, if I just drive into a tree I won't have to go to work tomorrow and see those people."
You know what else I learned?
That is not a normal thought process.
I believed all people thought about hurting themselves so that they didn't have to go to work.
My therapist informed me otherwise. 
so that's good.
I have started listening to this audible called 
Just Let Them Theory 

Pretty good info.  

With all of this said my new job training begins on the 13th.  

As I reflected back on my last position I now know what I want, and don't want, from a job situation.  

I've learned :

To stay private.  

To not do more than your job description states, unless paid.

To always remember it is a business and they don't care about you, per se.

That I can leave when it is not filling my needs.

I don't need to have guilt about anything job related.

And my opinions are best kept silent unless it is part of my job description, which it is not.

All of this new found information is going to bring my sense of self respect back, my cortisol level to normal, and my loving heart back from the depths of the hateful....

hopefully.

I'm taking quite the pay cut, 

so I better get something out of it 

Hopefully all of this will slowly sink in and I will be able to do some change for the better also.

I'm sure I could use it, too

write ya later,

m

What the Fuck Chapter are We On?

He was yelling in pain...but I think it was mostly fear.
He had all ready told me how nervous he was.
How much anxiety he had....
and I said, "it's a fast procedure, I'm gonna be standing there with you in the room....Don't worry, we will take good care of you"

Fact: eye surgery is scary as fuck for people.
It causes anxiety
It is not usually painful, at all....
but it IS scary....because you are usually awake

As the Dr started the procedure he yelled and screamed, a grown man....I rolled my eyes.
We explained we were giving more medication....
he whimpered and yelled out.
The Surgeon finally said, " we can't go on if you keep doing this....it's microsurgery and if you move it can be really serious."
He cussed at her.
As the nurse in this operating room, I chart and manage the patient the best I can....it usually involves a bit of silly banter as I clean their face for sterile field...and sometimes a reminder that they can't move....you know, because the surgeon has little tiny tools in the patient's eyeball and one wiggle is like an earthquake....so you do the math.

This guy would not hold still. ... I finally left my area and walked around the bed and said , "Dave, it's Myssi, the nurse who washed your face....I know you can't see me but do you hear me?"
Yes...
I walked to the side of the bed....I reached under the blankets and I found his big old biker hand, which was clenched into a fist ripping the blankets from the bed....
The surgeon continued to try to work, but with all the movement, she was mostly yelling along with the patient....
I put my hand on his hand and wiggled my fingers into his big paw, and didn't say a word.  I just squeezed his hand and gently let him take a minute to know I was holding his hand....I gave it a big squeeze, he squeezed back and I looked at the surgeon and gave a nod.   "Dave, breathe for me....nice and slow and just breathe". his hand loosened around mine a bit, and he started to slowly exhale...." don't hold your breath....I'm right here like I said....and I'm gonna breathe with you....and we are going to get that eye fixed"
We finished the surgery.  Dave squeezing the the heck out of my hand.
After it was all over, and we were cleaning the room...the surgeon came up to me and laughed....
"you are really good at what you do...sometimes ,we (doctors) ,overthink things."
I said, "Sometimes it's not medicine we need ....it's just a simple thing like holding a hand and letting them know they aren't alone ....all the years in school, they didn't teach you that? come on....I could have saved ya some money :) "
"yeah, well thanks....I think that is why we have nurses."

The point of this post....
We all need a hand to hold and squeeze at some point.
Right now, my life is changing...I'm questioning everything, but along with this I have things I need to take care of.
I have a doctors appointment which has taken up much of my thoughts.

I have been clearing room, as I have tried to explain to a few people.

Am I making mistakes by pushing them away? I'm not sure. The burden is real. Just as I told someone tonight:
My story is all ready written,
I really just need to know what chapter I am on before I move in any direction.
Are we in the start of the second chapter? or is this the finale?
let me get the cliff notes so that I can figure this out.
Let me move slow to make sure there is a clean place for everything new that is coming at me.
so that I'm not piling it onto the same dirty area...
and man, I have made some dirty areas lately.
I'm listening...
I am here,
I hear you....
can you find my hand in the dark?

xo,
write ya later,
m


ps.  I hope this is Part 2....

an oldie but goodie....still holds true

Me Likey was posted in 2009

here's the link

read this cute goodness

As much as I would like to say I have changed in 10 years....
I still love all of these, especially sprinkles, impractical shoes and a hand on the small of my back

y'all know you can leave a comment once in a while....


write ya when I find some humor
xo,
m

Kindness .....the simple answer

Some times things are just that....

"Simple"

As I have been doing my homework for therapy I have been struggling with how I can be better.

Not better as a person, because honestly I am a pretty great person...

but better in my abilities to help the ones I love be better people. (and to not sound like a twat, to also help me see the ways I have made mistakes and possibly not do them any more, or at least know that I am doing it)

Now we all know you cannot change a person, but with gentle encouragement one may be able to help a grown ass adult see the light in a different way.  Maybe shut up for a minute and say," wait a minute, I have never thought of it like that."

Granted , this is not a thing for teen to 37 year olds, but I think at about 40 or so, people are able to have some insight to life.

So, I came across this beautifully logical article and it just made sense.

PERFECT SENSE

Here is the mystical answer I was looking for.....

The Secret to Love is Just Kindness

link here to article

seems legit

As I read said article I got all antsy on the inside.  

YES!!!!

how many times in my life, to myself (under my breath), or to my partners and even to my kids....

JUST BE KIND.

BE KIND

So, in my struggle to figure out how I can be the best I can be for all the people I cross paths with and attempt to build people up instead of accidentally (or not) tear them down , I took this study to heart.

You can be kind or be an asshole and the relationships ,and I'm gonna guess this goes for not only lovers but friends too, which survive are the ones who are actively kind and responsive.

here is the part that hit me in the heart and made me say ..."this right here"

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that

The partner has a choice, read it again,..... a choice.   

Turn towards or away

acknowledge in a kind manner (regardless if you give a shit or not) or turn away.

I have been guilty of this.

I remember early on in my relationship I was so unsure and unsafe from the baggage I carried (and still carry) that I could not accept anything as truth.

"you are beautiful" was answered with "whatever" and thoughts of "they say that to everyone".

It was my answer to everything.

Even though this person, looking me in the eye, was saying it because they felt it.

I negated those feelings, I turned away, I did not connect.

This habit does not make for a relationship of trust and love.

I am only going to point out that one thing. There were many, and they came back like shots in a war zone.  I will not talk about the other person, because he did what he did to protect his heart.

18 years now and we still turn away and I know we are doing it.

Even when we try to be kind, I feel it and I question it, now in the back of my head...."he's just saying that because the therapist told him to" or "he knows I'm upset so he is trying to back track"

I never think

"he loves me"

can you see the problem here?

Moving forward with a smile, I am, at 50, learning to accept responsibility and the love people can offer and give it back.  There is no reason for me to be a dick to people anymore, and honestly there never was a reason. My wings were never broken they were just not fully expanded and now they are. I know my faults and I hope people reading this will understand their faults too.

That pointing out people's ugly traits to their faces is not always the best in the long run.

be kind.

love hard

listen 

touch

and 

don't wait to tell someone their good things 

and be understanding that your bad things....

they can be fixed 

I believe in you

and me

just listen.... so far from ok...........

little changes, let us make.

xo,

m

If you forget ......... me

If you forget me ...

I want you to know

one thing. 

You know how this is: 

if I look 

at the crystal moon, at the red branch 

of the slow autumn at my window, 

if I touch 

near the fire 

the impalpable ash 

or the wrinkled body of the log, 

everything carries me to you, 

as if everything that exists, 

aromas, light, metals, 

were little boats 

that sail 

toward those isles of yours that wait for me. 

Well, now, 

if little by little you stop loving me 

I shall stop loving you little by little. 

If suddenly 

you forget me 

do not look for me, 

for I shall already have forgotten you. 

If you think it long and mad, 

the wind of banners 

that passes through my life, 

and you decide 

to leave me at the shore 

of the heart where I have roots, 

remember 

that on that day, 

at that hour, 

I shall lift my arms 

and my roots will set off 

to seek another land. 

But 

if each day, 

each hour, 

you feel that you are destined for me 

with implacable sweetness, 

if each day a flower 

climbs up to your lips to seek me, 

ah my love, ah my own, 

in me all that fire is repeated, 

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 

my love feeds on your love, beloved, 

and as long as you live it will be in your arms 

without leaving mine

   ~~~P. Neruda

humanitarianism

I have a dream...boy, Myssi, how original huh? I'm ready to start setting my goals for the next portion of my life. I want to travel and help...

Any suggestions? Anyone ever done anything like this? I'm sure there have to be some missionaries that read this blog right? I'm not quite in the missionary position...HAHAHAHA, joke, I'm not wanting to be a missionary...just a nurse and a smile.

write ya later