Lord Have Mercy.

 Is life better now?  
Is it?  Who knows.  I'm alive , which is better than some at my age.  I've lost a few. The universe picks weird people at weird times, but I refuse to question that.  I have learned so much about life and wonder how I survived the first half or so as grand as I did.  

Let's not push the envelope.

Good things: 
work
family 
kids
a few friends not many.... a few

Average things: 
time for myself 
lack of sex drive ( yes I said it)
distaste for cooking
my self esteem
other than that, life is satisfactory/grand.

Life rolls up considerably weirder and weirder and as a female, there are less humans to discuss it with. Less humans to ask questions to.  As females we disappear into the abyss of "old lady syndrome"we become invisible, so the idea and effort to change into going out clothes fall far beneath the need for a Walmart $7.99 smock with pockets

Do you love me

even in the smock?

xo

Write you later

RX: Watch Chickens and Sit

 

Per my therapist, 

I am to make less lists and do a bit more relaxing, chicken watching and stretching. To the average person this would be an easy task, but to me ..... it is close to despairingly impossible. It allows me much,

too much, time to think about life. This opens another door. Why am i not wanting to think about life? 
What the hell is wrong with me that I cannot let go, relax and contemplate the beauty of being above ground and all the great things I have experienced and have yet to experience? 
Why does my mind want to dwell in the past and torture me with the thoughts of the things I could have done differently?  
Could I have saved them?  
Could I have saved Sissy? 
Would she still be here to help me navigate these crazy days my mind has been happening?   
Therapist says no.  
What happened happened and it wasn't because of me ( which I know) and I could not have changed the path she had chosen........
It is time to move forward and stop thinking about could have beens and start thinking about what can be, and enjoy it a little bit.

On that note...

Why do many men over the age of 50 pick women half their age +7 years, give or take?

This came up on my news today.  What is the science behind it? There must be a study?

My homework for the week will be to see if there is actually a study.

It will keep me from making a lists.

I am grateful for the new amazing job that I landed.  I really do believe things happen when they are supposed to and this new nursing job has been a career saver for me.  To be able to care for people, in their homes, without being micro managed, having a great team, and the care I'm giving is not "critical" home care.  Home infusion for chronically ill, administering medications like IgG for chron's and ulcerative colitis , and biologics for people with MS and scleroderma.

The people are thankful, I am thankful and the schedule is great.

well I am going to go do a bit of sewing and THINK about going to Yoga .

write ya later

m

Wash That Job Right Outta Yo Hair

amazing how this works

I woke up this morning and was rested.
My motivation has re-entered the room.
My sense of calm has shown it's face again.
Amazing what happens when you quit a toxic job and all the toxic people.
It felt great to delete them from my life, my social media and my cortisol level.
I'm not sure if all of this was brought on by my own brain or if things really turned for the worse and I just lost my sense of reality within the work space.
It does not matter one bit now!

Don't think I didn't cry or think " Am I making a mistake?"

What if, what if , what if.

Don't think I didn't question all the people I confided in at work.

How could they be so back-stabbingly cruel?

not just to me, but to many.

The Passive Aggressive Buddhist is the one that really got me.

I shouldn't admit it , but I did think about ways I could bring that person down at work...

But I knew it would not make me feel better in the long run.

But I still hope that the Karma Goddess gets them in some way.

Although from the person's history....Karma is constantly getting them, but they are too stupid to see.

That brings me some joy.

I did lose a few people who I really thought were my friends.

That is what I get for thinking and you would think I had learned this from divorce, but apparently i'm a bit of sympathetic person.

(Ie : idiot)

I laughed silently this morning as I walked through the grocery store; smiling at people and feeling....normal. 
I didn't think, " man, if I just drive into a tree I won't have to go to work tomorrow and see those people."
You know what else I learned?
That is not a normal thought process.
I believed all people thought about hurting themselves so that they didn't have to go to work.
My therapist informed me otherwise. 
so that's good.
I have started listening to this audible called 
Just Let Them Theory 

Pretty good info.  

With all of this said my new job training begins on the 13th.  

As I reflected back on my last position I now know what I want, and don't want, from a job situation.  

I've learned :

To stay private.  

To not do more than your job description states, unless paid.

To always remember it is a business and they don't care about you, per se.

That I can leave when it is not filling my needs.

I don't need to have guilt about anything job related.

And my opinions are best kept silent unless it is part of my job description, which it is not.

All of this new found information is going to bring my sense of self respect back, my cortisol level to normal, and my loving heart back from the depths of the hateful....

hopefully.

I'm taking quite the pay cut, 

so I better get something out of it 

Hopefully all of this will slowly sink in and I will be able to do some change for the better also.

I'm sure I could use it, too

write ya later,

m