365 days: Yin and Yang ...My heart is like paper

What a night 

and then another ....

Yin and Yang of life I suppose.
With each birth there is a death
 and just as life has it,
with each death there is a birth.

Ilin Blue "Oozium"

Saturday at Helikon Gallery we celebrated the birth of this young man's art, which is going to bring him into a new life.

People flowed in from all over to see his art they had been hearing about.

The artists were all talking and excited to see who this artist was.

This artist, Ilin Blue, was a surprise to them all.

The gallery owner had no idea that Ilin ( Oozium) was only 22...

had never once shown his art before....

The gallery filled up...

they ran out of drinks....

The owner came up to me and said,

"we have never had an opening to this extent before, with this many people showing up on opening night for a group show....they are all here for him.  He has all ready sold all of his art, and it has only been 1 hour"

This young man, with the shirt he bought and pressed 2 hours earlier, clean pants and Elliot's ashes around his neck, smiled from ear to ear 

( check out the Denver Grillz)

He spoke to people as they came in.

Other artists and visitors asked for pictures with him.

He was happy.

A much needed change from the last 3 weeks.

I whispered, "your Muse made this happen...she is here..."

He smiled at me and I gave him a big hug....

Sometimes , just sometimes, good things can grow out of horrible.

 The gallery owner pulled him aside and asked if he would be willing to do reprints, ...

"of course!"

As I walked around the galleries looking at other art I realized how special tonight was.

One artist said " Have you seen the young man's art downstairs in the main building? We heard he may be coming to our gallery to stay for a while.  We can't believe his stuff...we heard he draws too....

That young man is on his way up...we hope he stays here."

I smiled and said, 

"that is my son."

My beautiful broken son...

I believe they said around 300 people walked in to see Oozium...the artist with his art on 3 full walls, 

with no art schooling, past shows, or artist tribe...

Awkwardly shaking hands, and humbly saying ,

"thank you, man"

with his signature little bow, prayer hands and huge smile.

The night was grand.

As I left the owner came up to me and said,

"we would like him to consider a full gallery show in 2020 if he is interested. 

All walls, floor to ceiling. I just can't get enough of his humble attitude and if this is his beginning we can't wait to see how he progresses."

This beginning stemmed from an end. The Muse who had all the paperwork ready to submit for this art show....then died.  

The submission that almost did not happen because he did not feel like he could do it.

But we said, "Elliot would want this"

and now the doors are open for a rebirth.

They offered him his own studio, 

A group of people with like mind to help him get out of his head and into the world.

A place to find a bit of refuge from his sadness.

a new Tribe.....

minus,

the only 

person

he 

ever 

wanted 

to 

be 

with.

The Muse...Ashton/Elliot

He enjoyed the opening, his friends kept him safe...

He went out....he came home...

all was beautiful

All was so good that he said,

"it's time I go back to the apartment"

The next day he gathered all of his stuff and went back to their little apartment,

unpacked and sat down on the bed in which she had only died 1 month prior to the day...

and cried,

and cried, 

and cried.

By the time he called I could only understand little bits and pieces but as his mom I knew the pain.

"Mom, this fucking sucks, I want her...physically next to me and she NEVER WILL BE AGAIN"

no, you are right...she never will be.

"I'm laying in the bed and I just want her, so I can tell her how great it was, how I want her to be proud, how I did all of this for her"

I know....but that is not going to happen and she opened this door for you...

please Blue, don't let her down now....cry, be sad...but breathe.

"I'm lonely, mom, I'm lonely and scared that I will always be lonely"

Blue, at night, we are all lonely, you must find a way to be ok with being lonely...

Have a place to put your sadness every night, 

then remember 

we are all alone when we close our eyes at night...

it won't get better, but it will get easier and at some point you may find solace in the fact you can be in the bed with your heart and mind open and be ok with you, just you.

You will make friends, you will go out, you will eat and sometimes you will just go out because you know you should....

and that is good.

But we are all alone at night.

I love you Ilin Blue.

I am so proud.

Only you can hold your own heart in your hands and make it ok 

I can only be here....

watching and listening

and Blue,

remember....

she would be so proud....

she wanted this for you.

❤❤

Each Death Brings Birth

Write ya later,

m

Such a Simple Thing

R.Lamontagne

Tell me what you're feeling

I can take the pain

Tell me that you mean it

That you won't leave again

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

I can't make you see

If you don't by now

I'll get through these chains

Some how

Some how

Take it if you want it

I'm so tired I just don't care

Can't you see how much you hurt me?

It's like I wasn't there

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

I can't make you see

If you don't by nowI'll get through these chainsSome howSome how

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

randoms... 365 days

Time spent alone in a crowd always makes one think.  Mostly, for me, it's "why am I doing this, this would be better with a friend or two.... "

then I look down and see this:

Does it really mean someone is thinking about me, or trying to contact me?

Hmmmm I hope so.... we will discuss that in a minute.

I particularly like the fact it says 100% charged.

If you are wondering, I did a Cupids Undie Run.  It was fun, I raised about 600$ , so I am happy with that.   I signed up, because someone suggested it, and I thought "that does sound like fun, especially with you ...." 

I was pretty excited to get to do a fun activity with this person, something out of the norm where you kind of get to see how someone is in a different situation.

You can guess...

For whatever reason ,they were unable to attend , But  I stuck it out, even though I was nervous.

2/23/19

I put on my outfit, regardless of what I was worried about, and went. 

 Did I mingle?  

a bit, 

Did I drink? 

DUH

( it was free)

I talked to quite a few people, but no connections, except for some young guy named Patrick....we talked for about 30 minutes or so maybe longer, then I sent him on his way... even if he was cute....and it was actually good conversation, there were way too many young girls around.... I smartly said, " You are awesome, gotta run to the bathroom .... maybe I'll see you out there "

and left him to hit his age group...

( he did find me out side, ran up like we were old buddies, picked me up and swung me around and sat me back down" 

"I'm gonna be running right next to you! " 

( I got a head start and lost him the crowd)

 In my Undies....

Denver's Finest 

 Aww.  he's so nice to pose with me

Oh, then I pulled a classic Myssi, fell on a teeny tiny bit of snow.

Ya know...It was like the Universe reminding me that I'm old 

hahaha

It was a fairly good day.

I stayed at my most fabulous niece's house, in hopes of going out that night.

Unfortunately I was tired...and mopey, due to life stresses

I sat on the couch, dozing in and out thinking about life....

11:11

   is it dead people, or just people in general who are thinking of you?....because I have been thinking a lot about my dead mom, dead dog and my living brother.

the 2 who are dead have been visiting my dreams quite a bit.  It saddens me to no extent so I don't want to think about it.

The live one, my youngest brother , Jamie, has also been in my heart.  I have tried to text him and call him but to no real avail.  He answered once then got confused and said he had to go,

We were so close as kids ( he's 5 years older) but he has had is own demons to battle. 

he now has AIDS and multiple issues.  The dementia associated with the illness is not conducive to good conversation, so when I do get him on the phone it's depressing.

It gives me guilt.

I hope he knows I love him so very much, but I don't think he does.

 Don't judge

I want to have sex more often. 

A lot more...

but I really don't want it to be just random...

For me, it has to have some attachment and meaning,

better yet.... real sex, with emotion. The kind where you look in the other's eyes and smile on the inside thinking

"fuck yes"

Now a days people are so guarded with their emotions, I am not sure this can even happen.

Why is it we can't say to other's ...?

"I like you...

let's just see.

Let's see what we can learn and the good stuff we can experience."

I believe there is too much looking for perfect, not wanting to look like the low person, and not just thinking, " we are pretty awesome together.....let's do this...."

we need more thinking outside the box when it comes to attraction.

Why do people have to wait a reasonable amount of time befor talking to the other?

what does this prove?

Whenever I think about people waiting too long to respond or make the first move...I think, you are going to miss out.

How many times do we wait just to find out the person you want to see is seeing someone else, because you didn't call and make a plan.

Where is it going

Things are getting packed up around my house.  But I'm not sure where it is going.

Still, no voicing any concern or plans from the other half.

Actually the other day as he left the house he said, " I'm going to practice" 

and kissed me on the lips

strange.

we haven't kissed or even pecked in months.

Is this some sort of mind game?

Or did he forget.

It's like groundhog's day

Sleep

I believe me asking for a split has relieved an entire load off of my inner soul.

Not that I don't have something to take it's place...

But for some reason I have been sleeping.

I have been getting about 5 hours a night and lately I have been waking up and not wanting to get up

I want to sleep....

just 30 more minutes.

just 30 more....

The other night, after work, I crawled under the blanket before dinner.

I slept so hard and peacefully that when I woke, it was actually time to GO to bed.

dreams and peace....

and warmth.

Sleep, as such, is cathartic.

Thoughtfulness

what a great action.

incorporating it into my life in little ways.  I feel as if I have always been thoughtful, but the world can use more. People should hear how they are doing good things...

how they are valued.

how they are in one's mind and heart

even the people who just cross your path....

I sent a few gifts to people I have known for years via online...

a hand made bag I know one has admired and mentioned she would love to own, 

a knit hat....to another whom has asked occasionally for a hand knit, yet I have never had time.

a pin to a friend in San Diego...he collects and has admired a few of the ones I have.

a hand written card and note to another

A dinner casserole in the fridge for a friend who is so busy and cooking for self is a chore.

Maybe, in a way it is more for me, than for them.

I'm not sure

I was told to take care of myself

to stop thinking about others 

and focus on self.

I agree that I should put myself first occasionally,

and I'm learning.

It isn't easy, after all these years, to just stop caring for others in the way that I do.

Is it a bad thing?

maybe this is just me.

you know what would be cool?

Someone caring for me as such...

My niece said,

'You so deserve to be worshiped, you don't even know"

I think worship is a strong word...

I'd settle for a strong appreciation

write ya later

xo,

m

Reality button

Sometimes I like to hit the reality button.

Make sure we are all on the same page. 

As you have guessed it's not all kittens and cotton candy, although that sounds quite perfect as long as you throw in a sloth or two...and beer.

I spend a lot of time telling my 14 year old to give me a break.  No one is looking at me. So, I am often found in my normal element of no makeup, freckles, really really bad hair and sometimes dirty yard work clothes.   It's ok, I say.   This is reality and I'm really starting to enjoy it.

It's not like I'm going t the grocery in my sleep pants and fuzzy slippers....

but sometimes, I pass on the fake eyelashes and deodorant.

Don't worry about it....it's a very slim chance you will ever have to get near me.

I met a wonderful person who once said that I just didn't realize how pretty my features are ( or something to that effect). It's probably true. I'm one of those people who goes around with the guys all the time, laughing, cussing cracking jokes and drinking beer.  I think I look great all the time....the kind of looking great where you think "I look better than 87% of the people around here" then you see the damn evidence.  The pictures .....Bwahahahaha.  girl what you been smokin? 

here is my answer ....just glance at the pictures, put them in a file and look at them next year....then you will say, "Shit, I was cute!!!!   What was I worried about? I'm hot, and I looked so young!"

The key, don't dwell because pictures are flat, and very seldom does a photo capture your beauty and personality. Right?  right.

These are my motorcycle guys....my gang.  I'm guessing they don't care what I look like.  They never say I look bad or good...just "hey, want a beer?"

My kind of guys.

Here's my kid, Olive.  She's 14 and thinks she is the bomb.  She reinforces that I am quite awesome too, until I'm not awesome and I am instead embarrassing.  But I really can't please everyone. I love embarrassing her. She's like a puppy, no matter what you do she still loves you....At least at this point.

This is me in my happy spot, meaning the beach and ocean.  I believe I was a mermaid in a past life, or super rich where as I vacationed everywhere I wanted , which included every beach.

I think I look fabulous in this picture.

I would also like to say I am off IG for a while.  It has taken up too much of my time, and there were a few issues.  Ill be back.  I'm hoping to get my humor back and to bring it back into my life. 

The key to my humor is zero fucks given.   zero , zip.... I gotta get there, again.  

I will.

xo

write ya later,

m

I don't think the person who lifted my spirits in ways they will never know in the past year reads this and for that I am grateful. I don't think I shined from the inside like that in a really long time and people noticed.  They have also noticed now that that person has moved on due to life changes and I'm glad for them they are able to move on and forward.  Like I told another great friend....I'm here, I always am. People come back to me like homing pigeons. I'm good for their souls.  I am crazy, but I am loving and I am a good friend.  I am an amazing friend, often much better than the friendships they supply to me.  It's all good though, because I love them.

life ...knock ya down again

Life is great .  You roll like a pro for a while then life smacks you in the face , just so that you know how good you have it. It is literally heart breaking.

People like to say, you don't understand... you don't get it.  Let me tell you something , I get it. 

People suck .  When you are a strong person it surprises others as to why you are so mistrusting.  Or why you need to talk shit out all the time....why you need support, not financial etc....but a bit of emotional support.  As a strong woman, I am not fucking stupid.  I am not passive.  I grew up the baby sister of 8 older brothers. They did not put up with my shit and they taught me not to put up with other's shit.  Is this a plus? 

fuck no.  

I trust no one. 

 I expect everyone to talk shit out and on top of that , honestly?...I expect almost every male, to fuck me over in the long run....so far I'm right (short of maybe one).   It sucks...because I continuously look for the good, but men can't handle strong, smart women.  They waiver.  They think it's awesome at first then they go out and look for a woman who will not question, will keep quiet and won't challenge.   I'm not into that.   I need a MAN. a man who can give support, talk, and let me know they can be in charge if needed, yet step aside and let me be me.

See this guy?    do you know him?   well I do.   

This is my Nephew , Brady Graves. read about him here.  

This is family....he's not the only black sheep in my family.  I come from a family of strong ass woman and these narcissistic men. You know what we do?  we feel guilty and take care of them . We support them and become enablers.  

Brady served his time,(prison, parole, etc.) he's not an idiot. He graduated the top of his class at the Academy and went into the Marines at the highest level.   You know what else he did? he started smoking meth. He blamed it basically on the women in his life.   It's heart breaking.  

Don't tell me I don't understand.  

Don't tell me I ask too many questions or that I tell it like it is.   

We support, we love , we are passionate, we take them in, we pay , .....

we are idiots.

This guy, above, he's on the wrong path again.   He blames everyone except the one who made the decision to smoke meth....even blaming the beautiful sister who has supported him from prison to rehab.   

He's a victim.....bullshit.

  He's a grown man making shit ass poor decisions and blaming everyone else.

I know many people won't ever get it.  But when you grow up around men who are weak, men who lie, cheat and steal ,then blame the mothers , daughters, and lovers in their lives ....us daughters, wives and lovers grow up bitch ass hard and hard as hell to love.   We are appealing on the outside then as soon as you get close you back away.  We ask questions....we trust too much until we don't, and we want emotional support.

There are not many men who can stand up to that....or to a seemingly normal family which has it's seedy underside.  lately, I find men weak ....with lack of ability to have compassion or to love outside their circle.   they are often so self centered it is repulsive.  

A man who says "I need my own stuff ....I don't know what to say....I can't support you emotionally" is not a man you want as a lover, boyfriend or spouse....They will never connect outside their personal space.

It's unfortunate.
write ya later

m

The closest way to a woman is to touch her brain, her emotions, her thoughts.
Talk, Listen.... question and think together

It's better than sex.....dope soul.  

ps: and don't smoke meth....

meth never turns out good

Unfortunately. watch for my nephew in the news again.....its; only a matter of time

I run so that I can drink....the truth of the 46 yr old female

Let me tell you something.... I love my body.... I'm 46 years old, and that is closer to 50 than 40... Although at our age, 40 is irrelevant too.    I'm small.  I'm 5' and under 114#.   But I work at it.   I run. I work out ( occasionally)   I have a fear of gaining weight,  middle age weight,  fuck you.    I hear you.... I hear you saying, " you will never be big ".  Well let me tell you something.   I enjoy eating.   I run so that I can drink beer.  Every time I run, I look at calories burned and drink and eat accordingly.    Up to this date I have friends whom have never ever seen me eat solid food.  

 I stood in front of the mirror yesterday and said ....word  for word,    "I look ok...my boobs are saggy, my nipples are probably too big due to breast feeding, my tummy is still pretty sexy, my labia not as pert as it once was.....but all in all.... When Walmart compared....nice. "

So I listen to my middle aged friends, male,   Talking about women.....their wives.  Etc....  Wtf?   Do we talk about the men like that?   We love a rock hard big penised man....but we also love a soft big belly man.....penis or no penis.   Are they nice?   awesome...funny?  better yet...I'll take Him!

I'll never understand  my mentality that I'm not ok....
Why am I not ok?
This, of course is the big hoopla of Cindy Crawford.. Super model   48 years old, no photo retouch
gorgeous....I agreee.... she has a lot going for her without the photo retouch

very nice.... 

this is me

46.5 years old... 2 big fat kids and absolutely no photo retouch or good lighting

no photo retouch

46 years old.

I criticize myself every day.and I'm not some sort of gym rat....

this is just a few push ups, and a run around the block three times a week

am I happy    ??

no

does my husband think I'm Cindy Crawford?

No

does he look at other woman

yes.

It's just our own mentality.

this is what this 46 year old looks like.....

I may not be the norm...

but this is it.

Ive had 2 very large kids and I'm 5' tall

it is what it is.

I'm not ashamed, but I want you to know I do work at eating healthy and satying active.

But this does not make me happy

I want you ro know what I hate.  
 judge and talk amongst our friends .... its ok.  tell me too.
I hate the way my boobs sag.  I hate that my nipples are too big.
My vagina.... I had two almost 10# kids, ....my vagina adjusted, I did not....
chin hair?   oh please... it sucks.  
but my calves?   they are nice....
my abs?   not bad...I'm guessing genetics.
but still
at 46.5........ i'm still uneasey

compare and feel the strength. 

 fuck it

Greg Kinnear....my other boyfriend

I love this guy.

Greg Kinnear.

He is kind of like the middle age woman's dream.

He's not too young, not too old....

still has a nice body

Not perfect, but yet quite appealing.

You dont feel quilty dreaming a lil dream about him

uh huh.

m

The Doll House Which Saved the World

I came home tonight from a long and soul sucking shift.    Angry, tired, and plain exhausted I couldnt get a hold on my head. 

 Life is what you get dealt, regardless of your standing on the ladder. 

 4 glasses of boxed wine, half a cold pizza, and 4 episodes of Breaking Bad.... I opened an email,

which, I thought was porn, titled"prettiest girl ever standing..." to see my little girl... not in porn, but spending time with her Aunt Sally. As the pictures opened, the grief, sadness and emotion poured from me. 

 The 12 hours of feeding a Hospice patient morphine every 15 minutes, explaining to the family why their mother,grandmother,wife was breathing so agonally…12 hours of sneaking to the bathroom to splash my red ,teared face..........it was all washed away.... Olive, alone with her Aunt Sally, playing with a doll house which meant the world to me. A doll house I longed for every other month when I stayed with my nieces.... hand made with love. Each picture opened and I could feel my angst wash away, looking at my daughter playing with a child hood memoryof my very own, alone, quiet, and happy.  My heart ached for my mom, for my dad....for a family I want my children to have. A family which my family in another state is making right for me. 

The family my dying patient had. All together, smiling, remimiscing, allowing love to happen.

I am thankful

here is the link to the slideshow for more details of the wonderful handmade doll house

These pictures of a day so simple washed it all away.

xoxox,

m

Birthday!!! and dirty yukky girl stuff

Yesterday was my Birthday...I'm now 42 years wiser than the newborn. Good to know, I don't want you to try to pull anything over on me if you are younger...because I am wiser and I have the birthdays to prove it!

for my birthday, Bobby got tickets to Allegria : Cirque du Solei

It was great...He announced to me, on the way there, that he got the cheapest tickets he could  find so he's not sure about the seats. (My god...just profess your love, not your cheapness to my Birthday!)

We get there, He hands the tickets to the lady at the door and she says ...ooooh you are in the wrong line, you need to go over there to the roped area... You are in a suite!

A suite!!?  of course I couldn't take any pics, they don't allow any electronics in the building but it was cool.

A suite...waitress, couches and everything.  

The best seats in the house were right in front of the stage where it was "interactive", but if you can't sit there...THE SUITE was the bomb!

Needless to say...He was acting like he planned it that way...bless his stupid heart.

Now onto the yukky part...

STOP READING IF A MALE, OR HAVE A WEAK STOMACH

So as an additional gift:

This morning I was getting Olive and me into the shower.  As I got undressed I a felt a little

dribbly, you know, ladies, the kind of dribbly you get when you jump on the trampoline after having kids, or maybe when you laugh really hard or sneeze?  I thought to myself, Jeesus H Christ ...I JUST turned 42, now I have to wear depends?  Really, come on Life, give me a damn break.  But I didn't argue too much, I just told Olive to get into the shower and leaned over to clean up...

OH MY GOD!!!!

it was like the Movie CARRIE!!!

(for you who are too young to know about this movie...google it and you shouldn't be reading this blog anyways)

A trail of blood

Gross...I am disgusting 

It's Official 

GROSSSSSSSS'

Why does the period never come on time and WHY after having the damn thing for 28+ years I can't figure out when its going to happen?

I was thankful Olive didn't see, because I am not ready to tell her about bleeding for a quarter of your life.

She is very emotional and thought the dog had to be put down when he puked in the car...

I don't want her to think I need to be put down. 

Yet.

Invisible Woman

Not quite a super hero, just over 40.
It's weird.

40's, the best years of my life so far (yeah yeah, I'm barely into them, but yet they have been good), yet I have become invisible.

it bites.

What is this Cougar Business?  I don't care for it...

MILF was cute when I was 30...but something about Cougar that makes me cringe...

makes me think of Betty White dressed in leopard print.

Or maybe Ruth Gordon.
Although she was hardly invisible, huh?

I should just take Maude's advice...

if you wanna be free be free!!!!

Click the link to watch the entire movie

I highly advise you too...

It was life changing for me at age 13,22,34 and now again at 41

Love is where all of us belong...

Don't wear fear or nobody will no you are there...

xoxox, m

Take 5, "Hospital Scene...George Clooney Dude"

Yo, today at clinicals was great. Cancer room 20....fractured hip and renal failure room 18. Yeppers... I made it through. Still didn't have to touch a penis, so I feel pretty good about that. Fellow nursing student had to do a foley+ foreskin...I mighta screamed. Next time...I'm super at removing and I've been told if they get wood to "thump" it...but I really think the person who told me that was jackin with me, but not sure.

Clinicals today involved a Clooneyish PA and one of the most adorable RN students ever. I saw them making eyes at each other and the most awesome person that I am...I took care of it. I exchanged phone numbers for them :) hahahahaha They are soooo gonna thank me later. uh huh uh huh (doin the dance) If I was just a bit younger and single...

I rock...I'm just tellin ya...this is great karma points

also this hospital is like ER...everyone is good looking and available...or so it seems, its gonna be a funny next few months