I run so that I can drink....the truth of the 46 yr old female

Let me tell you something.... I love my body.... I'm 46 years old, and that is closer to 50 than 40... Although at our age, 40 is irrelevant too.    I'm small.  I'm 5' and under 114#.   But I work at it.   I run. I work out ( occasionally)   I have a fear of gaining weight,  middle age weight,  fuck you.    I hear you.... I hear you saying, " you will never be big ".  Well let me tell you something.   I enjoy eating.   I run so that I can drink beer.  Every time I run, I look at calories burned and drink and eat accordingly.    Up to this date I have friends whom have never ever seen me eat solid food.  

 I stood in front of the mirror yesterday and said ....word  for word,    "I look ok...my boobs are saggy, my nipples are probably too big due to breast feeding, my tummy is still pretty sexy, my labia not as pert as it once was.....but all in all.... When Walmart compared....nice. "

So I listen to my middle aged friends, male,   Talking about women.....their wives.  Etc....  Wtf?   Do we talk about the men like that?   We love a rock hard big penised man....but we also love a soft big belly man.....penis or no penis.   Are they nice?   awesome...funny?  better yet...I'll take Him!

I'll never understand  my mentality that I'm not ok....
Why am I not ok?
This, of course is the big hoopla of Cindy Crawford.. Super model   48 years old, no photo retouch
gorgeous....I agreee.... she has a lot going for her without the photo retouch

very nice.... 

this is me

46.5 years old... 2 big fat kids and absolutely no photo retouch or good lighting

no photo retouch

46 years old.

I criticize myself every day.and I'm not some sort of gym rat....

this is just a few push ups, and a run around the block three times a week

am I happy    ??

no

does my husband think I'm Cindy Crawford?

No

does he look at other woman

yes.

It's just our own mentality.

this is what this 46 year old looks like.....

I may not be the norm...

but this is it.

Ive had 2 very large kids and I'm 5' tall

it is what it is.

I'm not ashamed, but I want you to know I do work at eating healthy and satying active.

But this does not make me happy

I want you ro know what I hate.  
 judge and talk amongst our friends .... its ok.  tell me too.
I hate the way my boobs sag.  I hate that my nipples are too big.
My vagina.... I had two almost 10# kids, ....my vagina adjusted, I did not....
chin hair?   oh please... it sucks.  
but my calves?   they are nice....
my abs?   not bad...I'm guessing genetics.
but still
at 46.5........ i'm still uneasey

compare and feel the strength. 

 fuck it