faults become reality and the inability to ever be loved

"Either way, one of us will end up getting hurt."
I guess I just hoped it wasn't like this, and this hurtful.

When you fall in love with someone, the words they say can be like acid. Painful enough to take a step back and say....they are right....now what.  ?
You walk away and don't look back....
or you fight for what you want....

When more than one person points out a fault, it becomes a reality. I guess this is a good thing, because it gives me time to sit and dwell on it, to attempt to correct and and try to understand where it comes from, and how I am going to stop it.....

My entire life I was encouraged to be who I am, don't take shit, stick up for yourself, and have your own back. I grew up the youngest of a blended family of 13 so when a sibling was mean to you, there wasn't much opportunity to go run to Mom and Dad, because they assumed at some point you would take care of it amongst yourselves. Live and learn, kid.Next time you will pay attention.

me, and 2 brothers, Man, I loved them so.

My brothers were rough, just like all brothers.  They practiced boxing with/on me, they had me climb trees so high I could not get down....they stole my hard earned babysitting money...but yet, they were also always there when I needed them.  No one beat up their little sister, except them.... They came to my rescue many times and kept a loving eye on me through middle school and high school. But with that loving eye, they also taught me to fight and aside as it sounds, were the first men I loved and respected....They taught me how to handle situations when they were tough and how to voice your opinion. They were my first introduction to how relationship dynamics worked.

My mom encouraged indépendance and individuality. Her answer to everything with me was, "you are smart, you will figure it out." Not much guidance.  Actually, when I think about it...I think about how I always tell my kids, "You can always come home if you ever need to, so go live, learn, love hard".....my mom never said that, ever, come to think of it. There was no safety net....so strong independence was a necessity.

I lived large, had fun, and remained fairly responsible for a partying 20 something.  I moved to Colorado and bought my first house at age 25 with money I made milking goats and waiting tables. I worked my ass off.  On this ride, I brought along a man whom I loved dearly, trusted, and shared an amazing fun life with.  I , yes  alone....made the hard earned money which bought the house we moved into because he was not as responsible. We lived the normal fun 20 something life, had a kid, snowboarded, and just lived and loved.

Then he left....

and all Hell broke loose.
 It was the first time I had ever been blindsided as such.  Not only did he leave me and our 2 year old,...he had second and third mortgaged the house I worked so hard for and redid his new girlfriend's house with the money.  There was more....but the worst part, I had no idea that he was doing all this. He told me he was traveling, snowboarding, working ....I thought we were in love.

I swore at that time, never again. NEVER AGAIN WOULD I LET THAT HAPPEN.

I honestly believe this is when my mistrust started.This was my first piece of baggage I began to drag from relationship to relationship. My inability to distinguish truth and falsity. I remember the lawyer saying to me, "How did you not know he was funneling ALL of your money, savings and equity into another account? You owe so much there is no way you will be able to stay in the house."  I don't know....because I trusted him.  He told me he was taking care of everything. He said he loved me....I deposited all of my money into an account he had access to, because that is what people in relationships do.
I believed him.

This man was going to let his child and girlfriend of 9 years be pushed out onto the literal street, sell my house to pay the debt, all the while he moved in with his girlfriend. My heart was broken, my trust was broken ,and there I was....left to figure out food stamps, medicaid , housing,  and childcare.... at 27 years old.

But, as my mom said, "you are strong, you will be ok." and I was.  I had great friends. I had my kid and I had my friends.....and occasionally I had more bad decisions.   But I don't think I would change anything in hindsight.

What I would change is my new way that I trusted and interacted.

Now this is where my story of then, ends, but today's begins.

I need the person who loves me next, if there is such a thing, to be strong and understanding. To be able to put me in my place in a stern and gentle manner but also reassure me, I'm ok....we are ok. I realize I am a handful, even at my age, but I am generous, loving, caring, fun and will be there for you. I love hard and true, but I do fill in the blanks, because for so many times and years the blanks were left as is....and then I was hurt....because I didn't even think to address the blanks or cracks.  Is every relationship the same? God, I hope not....but I need someone to tell me that, gently. 

I definitely know I don't need to sell myself, because although I have my issues, I am willing to work on it. I am working on being more open and more trusting ....hoping to have the ability to be....just be. 

So many fun good things I have in my basket....

I kiss pretty good....

and I'm an ok travel partner.....

I bring snacks.

write ya later,

xo

m

post secret...

it's not mine, but like many

I'm feeling it

Death to your soul

I still remember the day I decided to change my thought pattern. Well, maybe not the exact day, but, I remember. There were a couple of moments when things just couldn't really get any worse, and I decided why NOT try something different? I remember my dear friend, Amy, telling me to think bigger...think bigger....if your circle is not working for you...make it bigger, widen your cirlce. I remember watching Oprah ... I actually had a light bulb moment...see this post. See, your life is what you make of it. It takes stepping out of the box and changing the format. It's not about playing the blame game or the "yeah whatever" game. It's about saying Fuck This, I live one life I don't want to sit around Pissing and moaning about things which really won't even matter eventually. It isn't always easy and it isn't always perfect, but 9 out of 10 times you can turn it around by changing the actions ;and I love that strength. I, personally,have stopped dwelling on the bad parts of the past and the mistakes I have made over and over again to say to myself, "Well, damn Girl, If you know that is/was/continues to be a mistake...STOP doing it!"

Complaining feeds on itself, anger feeds on everything, and not letting go...that is sure death to your soul.

I have changed. I can breathe. Things are NOT always my fault and the anger people carry is not because of what I did or didn't do. It's from what they did or didn't do.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't really change anyone but your self. You can lead by being as true to your self as you can, and you can only hope that they will one day feel the strength to change.

It is such an easy task that I am baffled why more people don't just try it. Stop going in circles. Change it!!! It takes one little thought at a time, one new pattern to stick to and the world can open up and shine.

Put out what you want to get back. Think big and focus on the task at hand.

write ya later

m

360 days of my life...missed a bunch, what #?

inky, originally uploaded by v8grrl.

"That's my mom", I hear from the little girls playing with the dolls..."the one with all the tattoos.."..."and My daddy has them too!"

A Password to Remember, or not.

How did we become so secretive? It's a strange thing to think about. Back in the day, the spouse would have a secret affair and actually have to plan it out to make it work. Cover their tracks, find a clandestine (you like that word?) hotel to meet. It was actually work. I'm sure just the mere thought of all that work kept some people honestly safe. Too lazy to even go out and get some on the side.

I like that.

Makes me feel safe. See, I am horribly insecure in my relationship, as you may have noticed from past posts. In many old relationships I was the last to know....and being the last to know is not just painfully idiotic and heart wounding, but also puts a nice big imprint on your frontal lobe which will never let you move past, sideways, or around a similar situation without fear. I'm like Pavlov's Dog. I remember...ouch...I remember.

The Internet, iPhones, Texting, Facebook, Craigslist, Ashley Madison...you name it, it has removed any sort of safety net within a relationship. A click of the phone and a naked picture can be sent (just for fun), or a little online back and forth chit chatting can make the mundane life at the office seem even worse. I have friends which you email or text and they send something back within , let's say, 2 minutes. To me, that suggests either they have absolutely nothing going on in their life, they are too occupied with the phone, or they are waiting for someone fabulous to text them and I happen to be stuck in the middle. It bothers me.



It bothers me that we all have our own "accounts". How many of you know your significant others passwords or accounts? I don't, and when I do, I check them...and usually find weird shit and think, that is exactly what I get for looking. I have one email account which I've had since computers were invented and this blogger account...he has my passwords. I have stopped using Myspace, can't figure out Twitter, I hardly use my cell phone, and I never chat...because I'm not to be trusted. I would chat with Charles Manson if he IM'd me. Seriously. I have no boundries, because things are too easy. All You have to do is IM me and say, "wow,I love your typing skills" and I'm hooked. Online affair at it's finest. If I'm that easy, I can only imagine how the men are. A few emails and naked picture, who could pass that up? Not any man I know. ( let me clear something up, when women send pictures, it's to get you to notice, when men send pictures to women...it's freaky. I don't want to see your flagpole in a 2 inch shot on my iPhone...it freaks me out)
I don't want to find myself in a predicament like John Edwards wife...."What? you have a love child?! How the hell do you have time for that? OHHHHHHHHH? you met her on Myspace, sent a few dirty pictures then met at the hotel across from the Pentagon??...The little colonial looking hotel? Wow, and I thought you were at work, campaigning across America. I know I have put on a bit of midsection weight, but a child?!! and she's 6 months old!? I have been fighting Cancer, I thought you loved me............you couldn't have waited 6 more months until I'm dead?

Yeah, sucks...it's a wee bit embarrassing. See, you don't need time and planning anymore. You just twitter a meeting spot or look up a "non prostitute" on Craigslist, how about a girl who will date you for a donation?...and you are done. No one needs to know the wiser, and how could they? They don't have your password.

Friday and I'm done

It's noon. I'm eating at my desk...
purple potatoes and veggie sausage. mmm mmm good.
I have completed all my work short of some scanning that needs to be done.
I have sent off stupid silly emails to everyone on my email list and now...
what shall I do. I brought my book The Reader, so that I will be ready for the book club.

I am trying to stay till around 430, when wendy and I will walk next door to the TOAD and have a Friday cocktail with friend. 5 oclock is 5 hours away...that is a long time, especially in work hours.
Hopefully I'll make it.

Also, My kid is staying home this weekend which means I have a free babysitter. I emailed Bobby and asked him out. He didn't reply. How could he resist? I would go out with me, even if we have been going out for 8 years...is one more night going to kill him?

damn him

So for the remainder of the day here are my work goals:
finish lunch
sanitize everything in the office
workout?
read my book ( i do get breaks)
scan the stuff I need to
write my scholarship essay (unless someone else would like to volunteer to do it for me??)

then go for cocktails.

love ya
have a great weekend and if you ahve any blogs you want me to look at...send them my way...
I have time, plus I need some new ones to add to my roster.

Sad but True

A few years ago, one of the young girls who worked in admissions with me said," I think I have a missed connection!" I said, "WHAT?"
She went on to explain to me about Craigslist "missed connections" and showed me the one she thought was hers :). Cute, and oh so addictive. It's a secret pleasure I have and although the hospital has blocked it I have figured out how to get around the firewall to still view it. I randomly click through them. Reading one to 'purdy gurl at Walmart' and then click the 'RE:' to see how perfect they will be together. I make up stories while I'm at work about how the 'couple who dance next to each other at Red Rocks' are now dating happily with a great story of how they met.

What is Wrong with ME!? Am I that pitiful or that romantic. Is it because, romance is gone and I'm always looking for the real romance of things. I mean this can't be it can it? People go through their days and then all of a sudden it hits them like a drunk driver...ROMANCE. I know, in my heart, this is what is going to happen to Bobby. One day he will wake up, be on his way to work and say...Damn...I'm lucky. His knees will get weak and he will want to turn around to find me and tell me.

Yeah...uh huh...this is what keeps me reading Missed Connections. Not to find mine, but to secretly help others find theirs. Fantasy at it's finest.

I met Bobby on Yahoo Groups....(remember Yahoo Groups, before myspace?) Sometimes I wonder if he was just trolling and ended up with me or was it romantic? We chatted a bit, called on the phone, then met in Vegas for the Rockabilly Weekender. Was it a connection? Yes...we are still here 7 years later...ups and downs...and the computer, one of the main arguments in our lives. (we both know what happens on the computer)

Anyways...check out the missed connections they are funny. I have been known to send them to people I know...a secret admirer thing, you know to make them feel good (they don't know it's me). I just say stuff like " To the girl on the HOP with the blue scarf, your eyes lit up my day...you are beautiful."

It makes people happy to know they were noticed. That's all. Doesn't it?

your resident weirdo
m

feeling blah

so, I decided to do some self portraits.

I don't like my looks...My mom was a beautiful showgirl with beauty you wouldn't believe...did I get that? NO...I look just like my dad. Freckled in the weird way, stringy hair and big nose. It's ok...after 38...am I 39?, after 38 years I have grown to live with it. My technique is: when I see a picture of me...I don't look...I save it and look next year, then it usually doesn't seem too bad. (I'm such a genius) Back to subject on hand. Before I go spend $$$ I don't have trying to make myself feel better...I'm thinking panties...I thought I would check out the new stuff on the "photobooth" on my imac...they are funny and when the kids and I do it we laugh and laugh...didn't quite work the same for myself , but as a bit of self loathing therapy I thought I would post them.

Myssi in Cinemascape, on the rollercoaster in her computer room

Myssi, appearing to be flying off the rollercoaster, but in the incorrect direction...stupid gravitational pull

Myssi, she has a great personality, so don't worry...she'll be fine

Myssi....with eybrows(because her hair is so light she has no eybrows or eyelashes)....a fancy mustache (takes away from the nose, you know redirects the eye),,,and a lovely flower.  

see the look on this guys face?  This is what I'm dealing with...He often has that look when I'm around.  Makes me , well, you can guess.

As my mom said, " myssi,You have a great personality and a brain to boot, who needs looks with that combo?"  

Well, Mom, too bad you couldn't live long enough to see how it all turned out.

Does anybody read these?

I often wonder if anybody reads these...besides me...ok and Synda,Jen...and Doug :).....I am curious. Who are we writing to? I write to get rid of it, make room in my brain, but if there is anyone out there like myself...voyeur reading...I want to know. I need to know. It makes me happy.

leave a comment with an initial...or a smile.

go ahead make my day.

xo

m

unlocking your inner voyeur

I'm sure I've said this before, but I'll say it again,.......I'm a voyeur!!! I admit it! Sometimes I come to work, to do work,but instead I voyeur (if you can use this as a verb).

It usually starts quite innocently, then before you know it I have wasted 5 hours clicking thru blogs from people in Ecuador or Japan. I can't control myself when the little button at the top of the screen says "next blog". (go try it when you are done reading this) I look at other people's art projects, their poetry, pictures, family rants, even accidentally came across someones Kama Sutra how to pictures...note: be prepared to click quickly if you are at work, you never know what the next page holds, there is NO warnings.

I have always been like this, interested in others lives or secrets. I gave one of my secrets to a girl at work one day when she was really down in the dumps.

I said," you know what will cheer you up?"
She reluctantly said ,"What?"
"Go here, www.bch.org and click on the nursery page....
pick any day, any name and look...i swear to God you won't be able to do just one, unless there truely is something wrong with you....and if that's the case, call me back; I'll think of something else."

Well, about 25 minutes later she called me from her desk and when I picked up the phone, this is what I got

"I truely hate you."
"I have work to do and now I can't quit smiling or clicking to look at every day and every god awful outfit they subject these wee ones to!"

I know, it's minute, but it does make me happy...and my secret gang of baby spies....I actually got a call from the same girl yesterday when she knew I was having a bad day, she said ,

"I think the nursery is BROKE!!!!!" I can't get IN!!!!!"

Which of course made ME stop doing my work and head to the secret website to see if I could get in....thank god we figured it out and spent the next 40 minutes clicking thru February.

Now that is a true friend. Truely....

It goes on, I'm sure if I didn't think someone would know, I would try to click into peoples private lives. I have always wanted to look at the Tommy Lee/Pam Anderson video...but what if I can't stop? So I don't look at that type of stuff....not because I don't want to, but because I would be trying to see what they had for furniture, what was on their book shelf, what type of drinks they are drinking....you know the normal stuff.

I love that people like this http://needleworksinc.blogspot.com/ take the time to take pictures and post them....just for me...isn't it pretty?

Well, if you come across and nice voyeur topics...send them my way.
back to work.

xo
m

Oprah did it to me

The other day I managed to get off work early. I got home and because noone was around I grabbed a beer and crawled under the heated blanket and flipped on Oprah. I figured it would be a nice story about rape or AIDS but to my dismay it was all about the "Secret". I decided to watch; only other show on was a POKEMAN cartoon. It,the Oprah show, was the show and the day that has changed my past 2 weeks.

Now, if you haven't heard of the Secret, I'm not going to go into detail. The belief system has been around forever. The lowdown is that energy is energy...what you put out, you get back. HMMMM seems too easy, but try it yourself. Walk around with a big fat grin on your face and see how many people smile back at you. It is a simple feat yet it works and actually brings joy to others. Energy is energy, good brings good, bad brings bad. Got it?

The only problem I have with this is they talk about how everyone is here for a reason. Yeah! Here for a reason. This is great, that means I MUST have a reason, Oprah says, so it must be true...here is where the issue comes. I sat there, peeling the label from my empty beer thinking, "reason,calling,hmmm". Am I here to take care of kids? Please say that isn't so. I have been waiting to get into nursing school, is that it? Am I here to make people, ie: husband, kids, dogs, people at work, lives easier? I couldn't come up with my calling! Damn Oprah.

The weekend came around and I found myself asking Bobby, who by the way knows his calling and has since he was 10, "Do you know what my calling is?" "How the heck would I know your calling? Why don't you try an art class?" His answer to everything...take a class. I thought some more. Jazz Club, Art Gallery, Photography? Nothing. Damn Oprah.I asked my 10 year old, "What do you think I should do when I grow up?" He says,"Mom you make good salad. I don't know? But I want to be a Hobo that can make balloon animals." Great, I think to myself even my kid knows his calling and note to self, save money for his therapy.

For 5 days I have been asking complete strangers if they know their calling and if they have any suggestions on my calling. You would be amazed at how many people KNOW where and what they are here for! I on the other hand can't start my Secret Life because i'm clueless. I have received some great ideas. My favorite idea is to become an elephant trainer. This suggestion came with the note attatched, GOOGLE where to get an elephant. That person is a genius, he knew that would be my first question, "Where the heck will I get an elephant?" My last idea was a body builder (mostly to just see if I could complete the task) and when I told my sister, she said, "Myssi, that's a great idea...go for it, do it for your self....plus you'll look great sitting on your elephant."

She's right. I'll look great on my elephant. I can't wait to get started. Bobby thinks I'm insane anyways and he's pretty busy with band stuff so he may not even notice. The kids will enjoy the elephant.

My calling and the Secret. I want to put it out there. Yessiree, Oprah did it to me. Think about it. The same day I figured out my Calling I was sent an email from the school I'm waiting to get into that it could be another 3 years before I get in. Screw Nursing school. Elephants, smiling and buff body.

I'll keep you posted