faults become reality and the inability to ever be loved

"Either way, one of us will end up getting hurt."
I guess I just hoped it wasn't like this, and this hurtful.

When you fall in love with someone, the words they say can be like acid. Painful enough to take a step back and say....they are right....now what.  ?
You walk away and don't look back....
or you fight for what you want....

When more than one person points out a fault, it becomes a reality. I guess this is a good thing, because it gives me time to sit and dwell on it, to attempt to correct and and try to understand where it comes from, and how I am going to stop it.....

My entire life I was encouraged to be who I am, don't take shit, stick up for yourself, and have your own back. I grew up the youngest of a blended family of 13 so when a sibling was mean to you, there wasn't much opportunity to go run to Mom and Dad, because they assumed at some point you would take care of it amongst yourselves. Live and learn, kid.Next time you will pay attention.

me, and 2 brothers, Man, I loved them so.

My brothers were rough, just like all brothers.  They practiced boxing with/on me, they had me climb trees so high I could not get down....they stole my hard earned babysitting money...but yet, they were also always there when I needed them.  No one beat up their little sister, except them.... They came to my rescue many times and kept a loving eye on me through middle school and high school. But with that loving eye, they also taught me to fight and aside as it sounds, were the first men I loved and respected....They taught me how to handle situations when they were tough and how to voice your opinion. They were my first introduction to how relationship dynamics worked.

My mom encouraged indépendance and individuality. Her answer to everything with me was, "you are smart, you will figure it out." Not much guidance.  Actually, when I think about it...I think about how I always tell my kids, "You can always come home if you ever need to, so go live, learn, love hard".....my mom never said that, ever, come to think of it. There was no safety net....so strong independence was a necessity.

I lived large, had fun, and remained fairly responsible for a partying 20 something.  I moved to Colorado and bought my first house at age 25 with money I made milking goats and waiting tables. I worked my ass off.  On this ride, I brought along a man whom I loved dearly, trusted, and shared an amazing fun life with.  I , yes  alone....made the hard earned money which bought the house we moved into because he was not as responsible. We lived the normal fun 20 something life, had a kid, snowboarded, and just lived and loved.

Then he left....

and all Hell broke loose.
 It was the first time I had ever been blindsided as such.  Not only did he leave me and our 2 year old,...he had second and third mortgaged the house I worked so hard for and redid his new girlfriend's house with the money.  There was more....but the worst part, I had no idea that he was doing all this. He told me he was traveling, snowboarding, working ....I thought we were in love.

I swore at that time, never again. NEVER AGAIN WOULD I LET THAT HAPPEN.

I honestly believe this is when my mistrust started.This was my first piece of baggage I began to drag from relationship to relationship. My inability to distinguish truth and falsity. I remember the lawyer saying to me, "How did you not know he was funneling ALL of your money, savings and equity into another account? You owe so much there is no way you will be able to stay in the house."  I don't know....because I trusted him.  He told me he was taking care of everything. He said he loved me....I deposited all of my money into an account he had access to, because that is what people in relationships do.
I believed him.

This man was going to let his child and girlfriend of 9 years be pushed out onto the literal street, sell my house to pay the debt, all the while he moved in with his girlfriend. My heart was broken, my trust was broken ,and there I was....left to figure out food stamps, medicaid , housing,  and childcare.... at 27 years old.

But, as my mom said, "you are strong, you will be ok." and I was.  I had great friends. I had my kid and I had my friends.....and occasionally I had more bad decisions.   But I don't think I would change anything in hindsight.

What I would change is my new way that I trusted and interacted.

Now this is where my story of then, ends, but today's begins.

I need the person who loves me next, if there is such a thing, to be strong and understanding. To be able to put me in my place in a stern and gentle manner but also reassure me, I'm ok....we are ok. I realize I am a handful, even at my age, but I am generous, loving, caring, fun and will be there for you. I love hard and true, but I do fill in the blanks, because for so many times and years the blanks were left as is....and then I was hurt....because I didn't even think to address the blanks or cracks.  Is every relationship the same? God, I hope not....but I need someone to tell me that, gently. 

I definitely know I don't need to sell myself, because although I have my issues, I am willing to work on it. I am working on being more open and more trusting ....hoping to have the ability to be....just be. 

So many fun good things I have in my basket....

I kiss pretty good....

and I'm an ok travel partner.....

I bring snacks.

write ya later,

xo

m

360 days of my life #44

360 days of my life, originally uploaded by v8grrl.