One more time

 

It's this kind of day:

kind of loving Sturgill Simpson

brings some quiet to my busy brain

If It Doesn't Make You Wiser.... Quarantine Days

I get lost...

not sure what holds things down

or back

in my head.

This beautifully sad movie was not the ideal thing for me to watch today,

alone...

maybe too close to home....

Maybe made me feel 

too much

and the hole opened again.

so many things I need to sit and think about,

to fix

to not be another disappointment 

Being strong is what is expected...

The mean mom, the tough one,

the bitch ex wife....

(almost)

As I continue to try to run away, to escape and to be strong...

reality keeps seeping in.

I go back to work in a week and I'm not sure I'm ready.

I definitely don't want to continue to sit around but I also am not sure I can keep my shit together.

I really do not want to cry ...

I don't want to talk about it because when I do I feel the need to only say the good stuff, 

because there was a lot of good stuff.

Keep the sad or morbid stuff quiet...

then I realized today,

the bucket I cram all that into is nearing the top, with no overflow.

I can't sleep

it's not all about my job etc...that really just allowed me to but a name ,or an excuse, on my feelings.

Now it's everything

every dark spot I had ,or have no control over, is there and it feels pretty vast.

I'll be fine

but I wonder what others do?

I was sent this article 

"I Can't Turn My Brain Off: PTSD and Burnout Threaten Medical Workers"

I sit here and think maybe taking time off is really not the best idea...

Maybe that is the exact idea as to why they often require us to work continuously

Then I was sent a link to 10-33 foundation for reintegration...

I put it a folder last week...

today I opened it and filled it out.

I should probably write more, because I sure as shit don't want to talk more

I just want to laugh...

I want to be done with this divorce ...

because I cannot understand it and that kills me too

I get angry when I see him still sitting on the couch doing the exact same thing....

when he stuffs all my belongings in the basement and has ripped up and thrown away every family picture....

just seems really hurtful, but yet again...I hurt him

I still pay the bills and mortgage...

I'm not sure I have ever been much of anything except a bill payer ....

I don't want to talk to family because they really don't need to know

and even if they did,

what can they do.

As silly as it sounds I want to just sit and listen to the birds

or do something I can complete and be proud of...

have someone rub my back while I fall asleep 

and make sure I do fall asleep...safely

I would like to sit and listen to music

and not cry...not feel that overwhelming burden.

I don't want to think about how much more I could do for the people in my life...

son, daughter, friends, lovers, family, and the people I promise to care for within my job...

There is nothing I can really do

except wait it out

figure it out

keep smiling...

and hoping I can be the person I am supposed to be.

xo,

write ya later,

m

here.....if it doesn't make you wiser...

Wiseblood

Zola Jesus

This'll be my last home

But this stream will carry me through

But this stream isn't home no more

And truth can make immune

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

And this'll be my one remorse

But this stream's kept me abused

And this stream is a hungry course

And time can make it new

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

In these parting days, I am losing all my senses

In these timeless days, I can barely see through

In this crowded space, I am losing all my senses

In these drowned out bays, I can barely see through

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

you aren't leaving that easy....

Karma is an amazing thing.

It can piss you off and make you chuckle at the same time

In my twenties it was one of those things that i really didn't call karma...

I just called it life.

Things could only be great for so long....

then you knew the shit was going to hit the fan.

it was reality.

Like this:

find $50 then have to pay an unexpected bill for $55.

As I have gotten older I realize that no matter how much good you do in the world,

shit will still happen.

Shit will still happen to you.

Past few years have been...

sad, trying, beautiful, and questionable.

2019...not to sound trite....was a definite year of decision making and life changes.

It took a long ass time to get to the point where I decided to make a change for myself, to do what my heart had said to do years ago....

to do what friends had suggested to bring happiness for all the was involved.

"life is short"

"everyone , and I mean everyone deserves good things"

and some of this......

"you will never do it"

"when the time is right, you will wake up and know"

"go ahead...try it"

bitch

with that said....

let's talk...let me talk....

or let me write....

write....

write....

It often happens that the exact thing you want, need , crave, change your life for....

is the exact thing which is held out of reach for you.

the thing in which Karma will not allow you to have.

lessons in life

lessons in love

lesson for the heart, body, soul.

For one amazing good thing gained...

Karma will often take one away.

A friend said to me...

no, you are not experiencing Karma....

that is not how it works

but I think it may actually be.

but ,

good is happening 

he keeps me smiling all day.

he touches me in a way I have never been touched

he checks on me

at all hours,

he cancels all of my fears....

over and over again

without 

wavering.

trust 

nothing to hide

open book

canceling out karma

with every word.

my fragile heart searches for you in the dark...

maybe time running out 

is a gift

xo,

likely one of us will have to spend some time alone
i'll give ou every second I can find
m

listen....

just listen....

It's not the long, flowing dress that you're in

Or the light coming off of your skin

The fragile heart you protected for so long

Or the mercy in your sense of right and wrong

It's not your hands searching slow in the dark

Or your nails leaving love's watermark

It's not the way you talk me off the roof

Your questions like directions to the truth

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

Or one day you'll be gone

If we were vampires and death was a joke

We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke

And laugh at all the lovers and their plans

I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand

Maybe time running out is a gift

I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift

And give you every second I can find

And hope it isn't me who's left behind

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

Or one day you'll be gone

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

One day you'll be gone

Day 247: Keep On Truckin

Day 247

Sweet Foxxy Brown 

The View 

Lovely

this is what I try to replay over and over again.

Keep on Truckin

remember :

to eat real food.

don't stay at work just so you have a place to be

get dressed (have not been successful)

run/exercise 

neither vodka or watermelon constitute as a meal

be kind and don't resort to mean words

heart open even when sad

get out and do things alone

it's ok

and let your friends help you

I'm looking at apartments Friday

he has asked me to go to parallel counseling and I feel like I must, because he may need it.

and if I can help him feel better about everything then I can just worry about myself.

They always say to not send people out with more baggage than when they arrived.

I think I have added wasted years and exorbanant baggage to his person.

I never meant to

I know in the back of my mind it will be ok, either way it turns out.

I also realize that I may not be capable of safely loving again.

self worth, 

body image, 

and

the words that have been said to me the last month have made me see myself from the other's perspective and I realized that I carry some pretty shitty traits.

so, 

keep on truckin

xo,

write ya later,

m

Don't be too sure of that....

To my past and present and future.....

Jesus and Mary Chain featuring Hope Sandoval (Mazzy Star)

I gave you all I had

I gave you good and bad

I gave but you just threw it back

I won't get on my knees

Don't make me do that please

I've been away but now I'm back

Don't be too sure of that

What makes you sure of that

You went away you can't come back

I walked away from you

I hurt you through and through

Aw honey give me one more chance

Aw you're a lucky son

Lucky son of a gun

You went away, you went away

You went away but now you're back

I got down on my knees

and then I begged you please....

I always knew you would take me back

write ya later,

m

awkward

truth....

and awkward.  

yup, I admit I am, and always have been. 

I crack myself up....

I attempt things I have no business attempting....

I overthink....

I'm often at a loss at how to properly interact (although I will always try, and usually fail miserably).

Considered outgoing by friends but always in pure panic mode when out, which tends to accentuate the awkward....

Communication with me is often misinterpreted...even in text...and it makes people frustrated...

I fall down, whoops....

every picture of me, looks like I'm grimacing 

My friends spend a lot of time correcting my manners and shaking their heads....

I am used to it.

but others....

not so much.

14 Things You Should Know Before You Date  Hang Out with Someone Who’s Actually Awkward

click that link above...

(I believe they wrote that about me)

but I am fun...and funny.

I have touched on this story before....

A few years ago I was required to go to a Keith Urban thing.

One of those things I am not excited about, and actually become mortified, because :

1. backstage /green room is not as cool as people think it is ( believe me)

2. I am always stuck waiting like a groupie while the intermingling is going on...and I hate groupies...

plus they always look at me like "why are you here?"

3. for some reason there are ALWAYS posed, stupid pictures required.

We arrived a bit late with poor instructions as to how to get to Mr. Urban.  On the drive there, I was VERY clear on my rules....I will participate and be polite, I will attempt not to talk and say stupid shit accidentally, and under NO circumstances am I going to take a picture in that room.   I don't like Keith Urban and I hate pictures....is this understood?  seriously, no pictures....I will get up and walk out if you do that to me.  You know I will....

"stop being so ....you...It's fine...no pictures then.  Olive and I will take a picture"

fine

"fine"

We finally walk the length of what seemed to be 18 football fields and pass a group of giggling, chunky, cowgirls with bedazzled jeans and pink boots. As I stomped past the line of people waiting to get in, and followed B, who looked as if he was where he was supposed to be, the girls gave me the once over and a glare....

B stepped in front and looked in the gate and said..." well I guess we are too late"

Good ...I looked down at my bracelet and noticed it had a different mark on it than all the groupies.

I showed it to B and said, " hey...does this mean we are too old to stand in this line?" and I flashed it at the girl in the front....

she glared and said,

"Keith is done signing autographs"

"praise the lord", I said 

....let's go get a beer...and funnel cake.

B, looked through the gate and then at me and Olive and said...

"Its fine....let's go."

Walking off, I heard the girls giggling...." like they have some special pass, pfhhht "

We weren't 50 feet from the gate. and almost free as far as I could tell, when a guy , the guy who 4 minutes before slammed the gate and said "NO MORE", came ripping up behind us yelling , Mr. Smith!!! Mr. Smith!!! 

Keith is waiting for you!!!!   why didn't you say something?

(damnit....does Mr Urban have beer?)

B...no fucking pictures.  you promised....

We were escorted back to the front, through the large huddle of young women, and through the gate.  I flashed my bracelet at the girl in the front,

"Old people rule..."

she glared.

As usual, we were led to the room with fruit, water, snacks and comfy couches.  No groupies...just a few recording industry people and a body guard.  I stayed back because I knew exactly what was about to happen.  Keith looked over and came right up to B and shook his hand

"man, I almost missed ya"

they talked guitars and gear....he thanked B for the custom guitar he built for him.... "I love it , man.... I play it all the time"

Olive and I poked around the snack table...some person handing us water...offering fancy fruit....and a seat.

I whispered to the person, "where's the beer"

"He's clean" she whispered back ...."sober"....

I grimaced...Oh yeah, I said to her..".I saw that on TMZ"

she grimaced back.  

oops , awkward.

Before I had a minute to think straight I felt a hand on my back ....

"Hey Love, come on over here and lets get a snap"

??

I turned around and there he was ....

Handsome, short, and repeating himself....

"Let's get a snap"

nope....

I glare at B...then at Olive....who is smiling.

He turns to her and says, get your mom...lets get a nice snap.

I hate you....

not only am I grimacing....my shirt is see through.

mortifyingly awkward

"come on Mom...."

He put his arm around me and I leaned in, and for some reason took a deep smell of him...

loudly , but accidentally.

He smelled of pine trees and earth....and maybe Gain detergent....

I pictured Nicole Kidman doing his laundry and hanging it on the line in beautiful Australia....or Nashville....

Then Olive leans forward and says 

"Did you just Sniff Keith Urban?"

Why yes, yes I did....

*snap.*

I hate this picture more than anything.

ANYTHING....

my friends on social media think it is hysterical and every year for the past 3 years whenever this pops up on anyones social memories...

they post it.

"most awkward photo ever"

Just a tiny piece of my life.

there are many more ....

so, even though sometimes I may seem nuts....

I'm not really

just awkward...

and after the fact, it brings many people comedic relief.

makes people feel better about them selves when they hang out with me

Maybe this is why so many of my friends stick around or my old loves continue to never really leave, regardless of saying "I just can't"

I'm entertaining...

Unpredictably predictable 

awkward.

xo,

write ya later,

m

don't wear black to a photo shoot

and I am 

un-replaceable....

Oh no you didn't

Note to anyone visiting someone in the hospital.

Do not bring your ukulele unless you are this guy:

When someone asks a nurse, "may we bring a little music therapy" the nurse should double think, and or question the person asking, do NOT, and I repeat do NOT, just yell, "sure sounds great" as you dash by the room, praising God that you may not have to go in there for a bit now.

20 minutes later I had a senior citizen, belly aching, jam session going on, door wide open and high pitched yodels streaming from the curtained room.  

There was not even a door to close.

I peeked around the curtain and sure as shit....3 ukuleles, grey hairs and one in the bed smiling like the Cheshire Cat.

WHAT HAVE I DONE? 

my co workers looked at me with hatred.

Jesus Christ....I had no idea they meant this.  I thought iPhone and at worst , Michael Buble'.

so, my advice is ....just don't be that nurse.

Say Absolutely Fucking NOT.  

no therapy....no

thank me later,

m

Denver saw the Rapture and U2 ....

 was leading the way.

After 3 long nights and very little sleep I headed down to Invesco field with my sister, ,from MI, Auntie, and nieces...

just so you know, our seats were NOT where this video was filmed...but up in the nose bleeds, but well worth it.  It also appeared that everyone in Denver was there.

It was a sweet show and sounded great, if you are a U2 fan this is a great video from that night.  long but good...scroll down to see where we sat.

We were about here:

this is daylight

Holy cow, it was like I was in an MTV video

( an intimate night with U2...and 70,000 peeps)

I'm not big on huge concerts like this and it really ties my asshole into a knot when I think about how much $$$ he was making off each ticket...but I've heard he gives a shitload back to Amnesty international

so, with that said I actually had a grand time, not a bad seat in the house.

Now Im actually off for  a few days,

get to deal with laundry, groceries and the leak in the roof from the Rapture.

Lets Kiss This Week....adios

i would pay to be kissed like that...

sad, but true...enjoy the beauty,words and love

have a great weekend

vacations....always seem to find the $$$

I can wander around this house like an ol miser. 

 "NO, that's too expensive....NO...get the cheap stuff!!!  NO NO NO"

yet I always seem to find the dough for vacations.

Maybe its a hidden talent.

???

Of course if something bad happens our measly savings is now invested in 9 days of plane tickets and condos in Destin, FL.

heehee

Along with our summer shindig.  Bobby and I will be taking our first vacation EVER without the kids.  Not really a vacation, but he will be playing a festival n Ca.  

The Indie West Fest

http://indiewestfest.com/

All kinds of great bands...go check it out.

Anyways, anyone in that area over the 6/4 weekend?

what is there to do in CA ?

I want to stay a night in Hollywood...

We will see.

Would love to have someone take me shopping and out to eat.

:)

mmmmm vacations

Give me some tunes>>>

So I know other bloglanders have done this...I need some new music. Every time I go to download something I end up downloading the same old crap.

So My friends...Love me...and give me some new music for my graduation.

I just need names of bands. My creativity is picking up.

Tonight, I am gonna sit down and KNIT!!!

Tomorrow, Garden and toenails...

it's coming back, I'm sure something amusing will happen soon.

what I'm talkin about

Fuck me Pumps

Love it....feelin it

Thanks freak

Hey, thanks Pseudo Stripper Broad for squishing up against me the other night at Scott Weiland. I asked people around me...it wasn't just me who thought the fact you were licking your boob sweat and inappropriately touching yourself was totally gross...but also the fact you were moaning so loud we could barely hear Scott ...was just....I don't know...yuk.

not sexy....no matter what you think you look like.

thanks for ruining my Xmas Present...
(if I don't stand behind the Amazons...I'm stuck next to the freaks)

Friday Night Fantasy

So, this is what I would like to wear tonight when I go see Hillbilly Hellcats and The Mighty 18 Wheeler...but the skirt didn't fit, the top was not that color, the shoes were too $$$ and the bracelet looked silly with nothing on. So, I'm just gonna drink those Martinis, because they look good on everyone. Plus when I tilt the glass back you can hardly see the huge Zit on my chin. Yeah it"s Friday!!!

STP and Red Rocks

It was a nice night. We got backstage passes which involved some free catering and backside look at the band playing. Our seats were good. Bruce got seats right to the left of the sound guy(I guess this is the best area) and we enjoyed the show...that is until the idiot EMO Junkie lost his cookies down the back of my legs...fucker. I heard this "familiar" sound but couldn't quite place it til Burt and Jimmy yelled "get that lil shit outta here before we kill him!" At that point I knew that it WASN'T a dropped beer on my backside...Bummer. I'm all for people have a good time...but jeez. For me...if I'm not standing behind the 6'5" giant (I'm 5' on a good day), standing next to the crazy underdressed groupie shaking her ass and taking up too much room, then I'm being puked on.



We used our VIP passes to go down to the front row on the last song and just guess what happened there? You are thinking Scott Weiland came over and asked for my hand? No...the guy standing next to us started to puke...but his girlfriend got him outta there quick, which was good, because Bobby looked at me and I said, "Lucky guy, Cause I was gonna have to beat him".

All in all it was a great night. Red Rocks is always great. Tomorrow is the 4th...not sure what is going on then.

Hope everyone has a great one!