awkward

truth....

and awkward.  

yup, I admit I am, and always have been. 

I crack myself up....

I attempt things I have no business attempting....

I overthink....

I'm often at a loss at how to properly interact (although I will always try, and usually fail miserably).

Considered outgoing by friends but always in pure panic mode when out, which tends to accentuate the awkward....

Communication with me is often misinterpreted...even in text...and it makes people frustrated...

I fall down, whoops....

every picture of me, looks like I'm grimacing 

My friends spend a lot of time correcting my manners and shaking their heads....

I am used to it.

but others....

not so much.

14 Things You Should Know Before You Date  Hang Out with Someone Who’s Actually Awkward

click that link above...

(I believe they wrote that about me)

but I am fun...and funny.

I have touched on this story before....

A few years ago I was required to go to a Keith Urban thing.

One of those things I am not excited about, and actually become mortified, because :

1. backstage /green room is not as cool as people think it is ( believe me)

2. I am always stuck waiting like a groupie while the intermingling is going on...and I hate groupies...

plus they always look at me like "why are you here?"

3. for some reason there are ALWAYS posed, stupid pictures required.

We arrived a bit late with poor instructions as to how to get to Mr. Urban.  On the drive there, I was VERY clear on my rules....I will participate and be polite, I will attempt not to talk and say stupid shit accidentally, and under NO circumstances am I going to take a picture in that room.   I don't like Keith Urban and I hate pictures....is this understood?  seriously, no pictures....I will get up and walk out if you do that to me.  You know I will....

"stop being so ....you...It's fine...no pictures then.  Olive and I will take a picture"

fine

"fine"

We finally walk the length of what seemed to be 18 football fields and pass a group of giggling, chunky, cowgirls with bedazzled jeans and pink boots. As I stomped past the line of people waiting to get in, and followed B, who looked as if he was where he was supposed to be, the girls gave me the once over and a glare....

B stepped in front and looked in the gate and said..." well I guess we are too late"

Good ...I looked down at my bracelet and noticed it had a different mark on it than all the groupies.

I showed it to B and said, " hey...does this mean we are too old to stand in this line?" and I flashed it at the girl in the front....

she glared and said,

"Keith is done signing autographs"

"praise the lord", I said 

....let's go get a beer...and funnel cake.

B, looked through the gate and then at me and Olive and said...

"Its fine....let's go."

Walking off, I heard the girls giggling...." like they have some special pass, pfhhht "

We weren't 50 feet from the gate. and almost free as far as I could tell, when a guy , the guy who 4 minutes before slammed the gate and said "NO MORE", came ripping up behind us yelling , Mr. Smith!!! Mr. Smith!!! 

Keith is waiting for you!!!!   why didn't you say something?

(damnit....does Mr Urban have beer?)

B...no fucking pictures.  you promised....

We were escorted back to the front, through the large huddle of young women, and through the gate.  I flashed my bracelet at the girl in the front,

"Old people rule..."

she glared.

As usual, we were led to the room with fruit, water, snacks and comfy couches.  No groupies...just a few recording industry people and a body guard.  I stayed back because I knew exactly what was about to happen.  Keith looked over and came right up to B and shook his hand

"man, I almost missed ya"

they talked guitars and gear....he thanked B for the custom guitar he built for him.... "I love it , man.... I play it all the time"

Olive and I poked around the snack table...some person handing us water...offering fancy fruit....and a seat.

I whispered to the person, "where's the beer"

"He's clean" she whispered back ...."sober"....

I grimaced...Oh yeah, I said to her..".I saw that on TMZ"

she grimaced back.  

oops , awkward.

Before I had a minute to think straight I felt a hand on my back ....

"Hey Love, come on over here and lets get a snap"

??

I turned around and there he was ....

Handsome, short, and repeating himself....

"Let's get a snap"

nope....

I glare at B...then at Olive....who is smiling.

He turns to her and says, get your mom...lets get a nice snap.

I hate you....

not only am I grimacing....my shirt is see through.

mortifyingly awkward

"come on Mom...."

He put his arm around me and I leaned in, and for some reason took a deep smell of him...

loudly , but accidentally.

He smelled of pine trees and earth....and maybe Gain detergent....

I pictured Nicole Kidman doing his laundry and hanging it on the line in beautiful Australia....or Nashville....

Then Olive leans forward and says 

"Did you just Sniff Keith Urban?"

Why yes, yes I did....

*snap.*

I hate this picture more than anything.

ANYTHING....

my friends on social media think it is hysterical and every year for the past 3 years whenever this pops up on anyones social memories...

they post it.

"most awkward photo ever"

Just a tiny piece of my life.

there are many more ....

so, even though sometimes I may seem nuts....

I'm not really

just awkward...

and after the fact, it brings many people comedic relief.

makes people feel better about them selves when they hang out with me

Maybe this is why so many of my friends stick around or my old loves continue to never really leave, regardless of saying "I just can't"

I'm entertaining...

Unpredictably predictable 

awkward.

xo,

write ya later,

m

don't wear black to a photo shoot

and I am 

un-replaceable....

Why do their new girlfriends look like the old ?

I have had some thoughts lately about this.  I know it drives me crazy because it is such a double standard. It is not a new thing 

Elvis and Priscilla, she was not even 14 when they met. We will give him break because it is the South after all.

This subject mostly revolves around musicians because I have only ever dated rock guys....so it hits close to home. 

The case of the forever younger woman. 

They just keep getting younger

Or the rockstars keep getting older and older?

What the hell....

and........younger.......and younger

I would ask....does she really have sex with that man?

We know the answer is yes.....they have a new set of twins.

55 years younger.  

We have a friend who is a well known rockstar ( not pictured here ) and this came up while following an instagram feed. I kept saying, " I didn't know ____ has a daughter.  Look how cute she is....looks like she must have just graduated....Look at this cute picture"

other half says, " oh, that?  thats his new girlfriend."

"where's his wife?"

"Well, M, when someone gets a new girlfriend, the wife is usually not in the picture anymore."

"yeah yeah.  I know!  But this gal looks 22...."

"I think she is 24, or so" 

OR SO?!  He's 55 OR, SO

What does she do for him, besides set up his new iPhone and talk to him about the Kardashian new line of lipstick?

Here's the last fucked up part, I have noticed how most of the young new girlfriends look identical to the way the wife looked when they were that age.  hmmmm

Ron Woods with Jo in 1985.........

Ron Woods with  Ekaterina Ivanova   18 years old? circa 2009 or so

See what I'm talking about

Boy the resemblance is striking.  Wouldn't you say???

So if you are married to an old rockstar and their career starts to revive at age 50, ya better get your paperwork in order....because you will be replaced.

Write ya later, 

If I haven't been replaced,

m

Boost of confidence.

"Just let me finish in these 2 rooms then we are heading into that room and you ARE going to do it."

~"D, I hate it, I'm horrible at it, I'm sucky...I don't want to"

"Yes, Myssi...You are going to do it and I'll give you moral support, you will be fine.  He's 90 year's old and high as a kite on Morphine, and did you see those veins?  They are like garden hoses!"

~" All right!  damnit all...you're right...if I'm ever going to progress from this area of nursing I have to perfect more skills than humor and but wiping... I'm doing it, and if I can't...then YOU will do it, right?"

"you'll get it.  Meet ya in the room"

I set up my stuff next to the little sick old man who is moaning about his sore legs and aching head.  (that's nothing mister, wait til I start digging around in your arm.)

I got all my stuff together in a pile.  D came in and gave me a few little tricks, use a chuck pad, so the gushing blood is easier to clean up, have your tagaderm and stuff all opened and ready, check the needle, advance the catheter...picture the inside if the vein.  

"HUH?"

picturing, picturing,  Tie the tourniquet, feel the big fat vein (should feel like a trampoline...boing boing boing)  clean with chloraprep...visualize...POKE...

OOOH...oooooohh

"Myssi, Advance it a bit more...just push it in..."

OM My god...thank god he's on Morphine...

Why am I such a wuss?

"D,It's in...wait why's it so damn bloody?"  

"Because you got it in the right place...rockstar!  good-job!"

So, I was so excited about hitting the vein that I forgot to do the other stuff, so thank god D was there to :

1. pull off the tourniquet so the old man didn't lose all if his blood onto the pad.

2. grab the tagaderm

3. help me put the flush on.

4. tape that sucker down.

5. and pat me on the back...because I was all happy and doing the happy dance.

To seasoned nurses this is silly.  For me, a big confidence booster.  I at least hit the vein.

I only want to ask the nursing gods to only give me 90 year old people who have no feeling in their limbs and garden hoses as veins for the next 6 months so that I can get some practice.

And just so you know, the old man said ..."Did ya get it? Because I have a headache"

End of 12.5 hour shift....

now I go home to clean the pee pee of the bottom of my shoes.