It's a goddamn pleasure lately to finally see that sun in the morning.
This separation has been liberating, yet exhausting due to the fact of non sleep, so by the time 450 am rolls around I am ready for the morning to take away the night time thoughts and mind banter and start the mundane day.
Therapy was difficult and I am going to throw out a disclaimer right now....
I am going to be honest, so if you are a family member or someone who may have picked sides or does not agree with how I interpret my life's story stop reading now.
This small separation has given me time to be myself and concentrate on letting my insecurities go. To stop worrying about why he does not love me or need me....to stop looking for secrets that are not there and just try to trust and be me. It has been difficult to stop snooping, but I did it. I sat down with myself and said, " nothing you find is going to fix anything ( honestly I never have found anything so I have no idea what makes me do this short of mistrust and previous baggage) and M, you have to let the people in your life be their authentic selves."
It has been good to not even have an interest in what and where he needs to be to heal himself, but to focus on me healing myself....and to feel again. I actually want him to go out....stay out all night. love and have fun, see if this is what he wants or is there some other area he needs to explore.
we had our first together session....
she promised it would be a positive session. These sessions are based on mirroring , which is classic, and appears goofy, but it really opened a door.
We sat and discussed a few goals and rules....then she said we will face each other and use her prompts which will pull positive feelings from long ago, maybe things we have long forgotten....and to feel what they meant back then.
she led the session ( I am not going into depth because , yes it is personal...)
It started as such :
B, go back to the first time you knew you were attracted to M...look at her and tell her what that person was feeling at that moment....the moment you knew.
As I sat across from him and looked at his eyes searching back and his mind going back and I saw a small light. He barely hesitated, only the amount of time to go back to the moment 19 years ago.
Before he could speak, my body and mind could not take it.
Having to hear how the moment he saw me , and we had never met before, THAT moment....that exact moment... what he felt ..... he knew he was going to step into my life just by me walking into the area.....
I started to have anxiety, a panic attack, the room got dark and I could only hear my pants and sobs and heart beat in my head. I looked at the therapist and squeaked, "I can't I can't I can't hear it....I can't feel this anymore.... I can't do this"
B sat quietly and waited for the direction.
she pulled me back and had me center , feel my feet, breathe , get out of the now and go back to that time...not now and how it is now....but before I knew him and or had just met him....the moments before he and I picked each other.
I gathered my heart and breathing....and looked back at him
she prompted him again...."go back 19 years and tell her what you felt and saw and knew the first time you met or saw her"
"I was first attracted to you the first time I saw you , your personality was so big, and bubbly, and your laugh, you walked into the room and you filled the room....I knew"
then I repeated what I heard him say....it was so difficult...to give credit and strength to words I had not heard before ,from him....validation.
she prompted again:
When you became a little closer , B, stay back then...not now, back then...Tell M how she made you feel : "you made me feel special , wanted, like you picked me. You made me want to try new things and laugh, and be there with you all the time... I felt a part of something, safe ."
it went on like this...and then we switched roles .
when we were done my head was pounding and I was exhausted. There was a small part of our pasts which we touched on...childhood, but that is very private. The session opened us up and although we were both very vulnerable....hearing why we looked at each other that very first time in Las Vegas....when he explained I never even saw him, but he saw me
.... he knew ....
he knew it was me and that was the moment
.... my heart and love was there for him. for that moment in those 2 chairs I was in love with him again.
Las Vegas 19 years ago (Viva Las Vegas 2000)
it took him about 5 hours to find out where I was that night....I do remember him telling me this story. I was with other people ....we had never met, but we had spoke via a chat room on Yahoo. He was in a well known band and I was just there to have fun. He saw me in a vintage dress laughing and being scurried along by two other men and a few girls....he said I was tiny and probably drunk, red hair, laughing and filling up space....he knew it was me even from a distance...and he knew I was it.
this ....no worries...
Somehow either he or I texted, one or the other on those ancient T9 cell phones at about 4 am ( of course I was awake and could no longer sit in a cramped hotel space with 4 other people sleeping)
he said "I'm up, i'll come get you" for me that was my knowing point....he came for me....4 am...got in his car, picked me up, he looked so perfect with his fancy rockabilly vintage clothes, big blond pompadour and a small smile on his face. Do you want to get coffee? yes. yes I do.
(and knowing him now....this is and was amazing, because he is NOT a morning person.... he would never get up at 4am.)
We spent the next 3 days together laughing, driving all over, drinking and actually staying away from the entire festival in which we were there to see ( except when he had to play).
so, this was a tiny bit of therapy, we had both admitted, or stated, we have one foot in and one foot out right now. ready to leave if need be. and I'm not positive if he can ever love me again like that...or as strongly as my soul needs. the therapist said, no decisions need to be made now. lets just learn about each other and empathy....see if we can fix and learn some reasons we are no longer communicating or connecting.
and I'm good with that.
I am also good with , using this time to practice loving again. to let others tell me how fun I am and to enjoy people wanting to love me and spend fun time together. I literally forgot how many friends I have and how much fun we can actually have when there is not a sour spot to dampen the adventure.
My heart is open and as I stated before, love is flowing in and out and I cannot deny I am loving these people and me again.
give it time.
write ya later
xo,
m
its all good.
