Day #1 officially done. HOPE ?

I got up at 545 as instructed and went downstairs ready to go, signed the roster and waited.

we were told to go back up stairs we were on call.

good.  

I sat for a bit then I walked around.

got a few pictures.....

then decided I better figure out my food situation 

the city is literally shut down and there is delivery but it is a bit spotty

So I attempted to make it to the Target downtown

It was quite surreal, walking down Broadway and everything is closed

quiet....

pigeons literally ruling the roosts

fighting for garbage crumbs...

Times Square....just not what I expected and not nearly as big with no people...

Beautiful buildings, and lots of stuff to see, I almost forgot I was in the 

Big Apple with all the scary crime and such

The phantom was closed

I stood right here on a the street and took a picture as I walked at lunchtime to 

Times Square...

No One

Social Distancing

The Copa...

Neil Simon.....

and then there was this

yeah.  seems a little ironic right now...

we are afraid of everyone.

and everything

I'm back in my room at 430

I have a sandwich and I'll save half for tomorrow.

I spent the entire 76$ for the day's food today getting some supplies, so I'm hoping to make it a few days.

The more I sit and think the more anxiety I have.

Katie texted from her shift and I commended her on having her first day off in 14 (tomorrow)

and how strong she is...

she is almost done with her 21 day countdown.

so it seems doable 

obviously it is doable

just need to get started so I can say

"The sooner we get started the sooner we can be done"

Write ya later,

m

Listen:

" didn't know a friend could be so small and have a heart as big as the moon" s. rowe

💜

Judgey Judgey...Just love the way ya do...

Just be happy

So many things to be happy for

See this? 

Yeah those jerks in the picture with me?

They are happy...

The bald one in the middle (alopecia...go back and read) has no real reason to smile like that, yet he does.

He is part of my inspiration to be this person for him

Loving him through trauma was so difficult as a parent.

To love, fear, protect, and try to stay strong was fucking hard!

But look, 

He is still very much alive, and smiling.

The other one?  

Olive Bijie.

Together we are tackling teen years; her learning that boys want to touch your boobs, regardless of age, and how to traverse nicely through divorce and still smile.

She keeps my emotions in check and by that I mean:

She pisses me off, she makes me laugh, she films me way too much for Tik Tok and Snapchat and I have learned to be beautiful for her....

even when I look in the mirror and see ugly.

She sees beautiful.

I want the people I love and even the ones that I am not super fond of right now to see the beauty in love.

We are strong and love comes in so many different forms.

Do we need to question the way one person loves, feels love, or finds love against another?

I don't really think so.

If something makes you happy or feel loved or beautiful 

do it.

fuck it.

Some people like S&M,

some people like holding hands...

Some people like 3 or 4 people and some people like animals 

(although I may have to frown upon doing stuff with animals ,,, not sure they can consent)

But what I am saying is what makes you happy and beautiful should be ok.

and accepted.

They said Bubba should not be in love again....

it hasn't even been 6 months since his girlfriend died.

but who the hell wrote that rule?

Why does he have to hide and pretend he isn't in love with someone?

He is in love...

and it's ok.

love is awesome.

That girl...Olive Bijie.

She is in love every day...

until one such love tries to touch her boob or hold her hand.

She's almost 16 and not ready for that kind of love....

and that's ok, too

I told her...

"they will be there when you are ready"

How will I know when I am ready, Mom?

"because you won't mind when they touch your boob

....simple as that....

you might even want them to"

Gross, Mom...not gonna happen.

yes, yes it will.

So for everyone reading.

lets love more and fight less

let's give some money to the guy on the corner...

just because he loves booze doesn't mean you can't give him a boost.

Let's connect with old friends 

Lets understand that just living a life isn't really living....

until you start loving.

and if you are in a situation where you have no love...

fucking change that shit.

because we all deserve it.

and maybe let someone hold your hand and or touch your boob once in a while.

seriously.

lighten up.

quit being so damn judgey judgey.

and PS:

write ya later,

m

now go hug someone

I Pick You , Dummy

"You have been alone for so long , M"

Don't have guilt....

well, you know.

I laugh...because of course things could have been handled better.

Of course I could have thought more about what the result of my actions would entail.

BUT

I did...

and I did it anyways.

and here I am

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

say anything...

and here it goes

it's a story...

like high school

all names have been changed

(all of this is not verbatim, and some may be made up)

"If I don't tell you now, I'll miss my chance."

This is stuff love stories are made of....

"I have been waiting for 4 years for this day....4 years quietly waiting"

how does this happen?

It happens because when the stupid heart picks someone ....sometimes it dwells

and dwell it does

sometimes for years at a time

sometimes it tries to date,

tries to move,

tries to be normal....

but it just can't

it waits.

stupid heart

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You are beautiul

whatever you have been told....

fuck it....

look at me

I'm telling you....

I got nothing to lose but everything....

you

are perfect....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Me:

thank you

now.....

when do I get to talk?

when can I scream to the world

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY

when do I get to stop being the hard ass

and say,

you kill me

when can I post pictures 

when can I tell a friend

when can I say....

I____________you?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

you looked at me and said this is my chance....

I haven't really dated, because of you ....

I never moved away, because of you....

the only reason I came over was to see....

you.

I have been in love with you for years....

now I sound like an idiot ...

now I have broken guy code....

now I could be totally....

I don't know....

fucked

but I had to say it to you

and now ....

I did.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

my heart

I've been alone for so long

I've been together for so long

we have been friends for so long

how did I not know?

because I love people.

I love my friends

my love is broad....

so, it's hard to distinquish

BUT

when you touched the small of my back to lead me away

I knew.

"you are breaking guy code, you know that right?"

you looked at me then looked ahead.

you opened the car door....

something that I had long forgotten was a thing

you smiled when you got in

you looked at me and sighed 

"yeah, I know....I know, but you are worth it to me....

even if I lose you and everyone else"

I wanted to punch you in the throat

I wanted to scream and run

I tried to explain you to me, which was ridiculous

but you....

you looked at me 

and shrugged

"it's just what my heart wants and I have to believe there is a higher power putting this all into motion...it has to mean something"

yes

my heart is scared

not of you....

of others....

what they will say

how to explain

why can't they see

the "say anything"

in all of this...

the testing the waters of love....

the love story,

unfolding

?

xo,

m

love stories

I promise at some point the humor will come back

I promise

seriously

write ya later

First cut....

know what's great?
Well, this girl is gonna tell you!

This is great.....
I can have whatever I want on my phone.
I can buy what I want.
I can talk to whom ever I want
I can send whatever pic I want to anyone I want.

I can love who I want.
I can have a beer with whoever I want
I can sit and do nothing if I want.
My money is mine.

If someone says ....
lets go to "______" for the weekend, I can go.
I can go to a show with who ever I want.
I can stay out as long as I want.
If I don't want to eat dinner...
I don't have to worry about anyone else

There are many things that aren't great....
many many many.....
But lets go with what's great right here right now.
It's gonna be ok....
I'm gonna cry a lot...
I'm gonna be mad a lot....
I'm gonna miss his love and touch he used to give me ....a lot
I'm gonna miss the good things, and there were good things, many good things
I'm gonna miss his sense of humor....
I'm gonna miss just having someone here....

But....
It's gonna be ok.
for us both....
for all of us....
I hope he sees that in the end....
that being happy is good and maybe, he will eventually see I'm not the bitch he thinks I am....
that I am who I am....
I am strong....
I am funny ....
I am adventurous....
I am a mom....
I am a lover....
I am me....
I am the person he loved at one time....
I still really am.....


xo,
m

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And she's taken almost all that I've got
But if you want, I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest
'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved she's first
That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
'Cause I'm sure gonna give you a try
And if you want, I'll try to love again
But baby, I'll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's cursed

When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved, she's first
That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know

The first cut is the deepest

Baby, I know, the first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's curse
When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved, she's first

That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know

Path to You

Life is short .... so cliche
My life and the paths I have chosen have been wonderful
The people I have chosen to be with...
I love them all

People change
I have changed
My needs have changed
My love of activity and adventure has changed
My need for love and companionship has grown
And although my independence has grown 100 fold,
Literally.....
I want to share my love, adventures , laughter, ups and downs ,
with people who want to be near me .
It is a real thing
I feel it

Tonight I asked someone to help me
It’s not my norm.
But the people around me understand ....
My request was simple....
Explain
Explain what happened between us
Make it as beautiful as it was
Or is
Tell them,
So that I can breathe again
So that I can lift my head....
And heart .

Help me
So that I can climb from this pit
Into the warmth of it all
And smile
Again

Help me
So that my two hands ....
Can hold your two hands
My lips can whisper ....
Thank you
In your ear

Help me
So that my story can resume
In the open
Crossing with your story
As it is being written
Without shame
But as it should be ....
With love

Write ya later
Xo
M

shit's contagious.....

I've learned that often, a good road trip can cure what ails you....

or at least numb it for about 24 hours.

My most fabulous niece loves to drive so we decided to hit the road from Denver, Saturday morning, and head for Buena Vista.

The drive was, and is, always divine and I feel that I am the ideal passenger.  

I position all snacks and drinks where I can easily access for me and driver.

I don't complain about music...

I bring a blanket in case driver prefers chilly airflow....

I pay for gas.

I sit and knit and say way too much of this phrase,

"look...look how pretty"

as we drive over the 100th pass of the day.

We went over Cottownwood Pass

Guenella Pass 

and one other....

stopped at every overlook and took pictures of every beautiful hill

We chose to wonder around Buena Vista and then got a 

room" term loosely utilized" 

here:

we enjoyed the Springs and had a few laughs.

We went out dancing....

I had no clothes to wear so I had to hit the thrift store and scored some cute clothes

for 18$

I took pictures of this view (below) about 15 times but in different areas of our state.

the iPhone is unable to capture the beauty 

and then I was required to bring my skinny ass home and get back to the weirdness my life has become.

I have amazing people in my life...absolutely amazing.  Friends I can tell anything to , and they let me be me. Right now I have no one to impress and that has begun to free up my mind and love for others. It has been interesting to receive unknown love from so many people, lately, so much so that I actually feel like all the love I have put out in the past is finally arriving back to help me.

I still realize I am very slow and my decisions have not been made as a final....

because I need to complete this counseling phase.

I have made a few slips in the past two months...but I still believe things and people come into my life for a reason and I am no longer going to fear being able to enjoy my life or self....or any of my friends. 

I am going with the flow.

These lovely pictures of me....no filters, zit on chin...bad hair...

it's just fine because I'm learning that my friends give a shit less if I get dressed to hang out.

They just want to hang out...

ride motorcycles

drink beer or go to happy hour...

and I can finely grab my bag and walk out the door without feeling too nervous or guilt.

I will be leaving to travel in a few weeks and it will be my first big trip with just O and Sissy.

It is not solo, but I'm in charge of myself with no reason to be sad about my self worth.

my next goal is completing counseling, and understanding why this is all happening... and what I can do to either correct this loss and bring him back into my life with empathy and new love....

or move on without sadness about the past, because it has been an amazing past,

and be prepared for my future with myself, kid and friends ....

and honestly, I hope ,regardless of what happens, he will still always be part of my life.

Love is hard and being with someone for 19 years is great, even though the past 5 years have been death to my heart body image and self worth....we have still had so much fun...and a long time ago, I can look back at photos, he loved me ....

I know this.

and maybe he still does.

time will tell.

in the mean time....

I have some old friends who were pushed off my list due to conflict of interest....

 who have requested some Myssi time in different areas of the country to drink beer...have fun and catch up.

I'm in.

So don't be surprised if you see me out....

running, mountain biking, snowboarding , dancing, laughing or just having plain old fun....

and watch out....

if you come too close I may hug and kiss you 

....

this shit is contagious.

xo,

write ya later.

m

pilgrimage....Manitou Incline

I was all ready winded walking from the lot to the base. 

 I'm pretty sure most people won't admit that but I am into telling the truth.

I read the sign....

stood at the bottom and said, " I know you probably can do it...."

I honestly thought...

I cannot do that.

but I came this far,

 I might as well start.

The people who walked up with me took a selfie with their significant other and wished me luck...

"thanks" 

I looked down at my shoes and up the zipper along the mountain front.

I'm gonna walk up that....to the top....

yup 

let's go

the view from the base

"it's not a race....it's a pilgrimage"

I started right here and pushed the negative thoughts to the side.

3000 railroad ties....

as I started up and lost my breath I told myself to concentrate on the steps....

step...

step...

think about being present with your self and stepping. 

and that is exactly what I did.

as I stepped, I greeted others and others greeted and encouraged me.

we sat together and rested.

we shared snacks

we wished one a happy birthday

I spoke to one about concentrating on the task at hand and it's ok to be scared....

we stepped together for a bit....

while alone, I thought about what had been bothering me this week...

why am I the woman everyone loves and comes back to, but yet no one want to take me out.

ever since I was in my late teens to twenties I was the woman men wanted to call at 11pm, but did to want to take the time to get dressed and be together during the day. 

( I was never one to be easy or put out...so it was a moot point)

but it still happens.

it brings back thoughts of not being enough.

I continued to step

step

step

I am not here to figure out if it is them.

wondering if it is predatory ....

knowing when someone is weak

or is it attraction

or is it really just human nature?

the view from the top, my mind fairly clear and pleased with my legs for taking me to the top.

I started my walk down the back side which was a slow descent which gave me plenty of time to think.

the world is beautiful and I am lucky.

My relationship /relationships are a small part of me, and what I am about.

Not many have taken the time to get to know these things about me.

or experience them with me....

to stand and smile at this...

to kiss in the sunlight and be encouraging to each other and the people who cross our paths

to wonder together and learn history...

together....

because we are choosing to share time together.

to not live separate, yet demand allegiance out of spite.

together....

friends , lovers , companions.

I have them all and have been thankful for the ones who are here, and some even overstepping boundaries and codes to stand next to me when I am having self doubt...

 and to also join me when I choose them to experience great things.

just have fun .... be present

my homework was to accept the loneliness, stress, and fear and let it set in.

To experience it ....and how it will be ok in the end.

and it almost always is

write ya later,

xo

m

next post :

the men who return, the one or so I wish would step up, and the few I have to set boundaries because of timing and status.

Lets Look at Each Other for a Minute

first time I was kissed it was by Carl.
I had practiced on my pillow I had read every Judy Blume book....
I was ready.
Carl, 2 grades older, red beret, artist, tall, cool
Why did he like me.?
Little skater girl ......

I will never in my life forget it.
he leaned in to kiss me, I puckered, he opened....I freaked....
I literally had no idea...the French kiss.  
the FRENCH KISS
I just couldn't.  wasn't that how babies were made???
He hesitated, he laughed ....the next words out of his mouth were,
"I am going to tell everyone in high school you don't know how to kiss"
These few words, to an oncoming freshman, were the death.

 The first boyfriend I ever had betrayed my sweet lips.
It hurt.
I swore I would never be in that predicament again.

kissing.
I would never misunderstand the art of kissing again.
never.
ever

Kissing is my thing.
I love it.
Lips, tongue, smiles, breath, teeth.
you can learn a person's soul through their kisses.
you can learn a person's limits...
the hand on the back, under the skirt, touching your neck gently....
the smell, the taste, the neck nibble.
the breath
the breath
your breath

how can you be ready for love

breathe
wet
whisper
secrets


I don't get to kiss often.
when I kiss it starts fires within me, and within whoever I choose to kiss
to be in control of the kiss....
to let someone else control your kiss
it tells a story
a story no one else can replicate.
Kisses are like fingerprints.

to each
kisses

kisses

xo,
m

Gardening Down Below

ya know....

there are certain body parts which don't get the recognition they should from me.

I just realized the other day that my vagina, vajajay, hootchie, peach, etc does not get the love it so rightly deserves .

go read some stories about falling back in love with your parts

at The Vulva Gallery

I had a Doctors appointment and , like going to the beach, I said "let's make sure the garden is tidy"

I spend time on a daily basis, cleaning and shaving around the edges etc...but I don't always go all out.

What's the point?  It's just me and it really is not like someone might come along and say ...."hey, let me critique your edging" Although it would be gladly appreciated if someone did come along and want to critique in a nice manner....

So, as I showered I teetered on one leg, lathered and shaved carefully around all the parts. front to back.... 

It brought me back to my younger years when I helped the girls at the Gold Club in Atlanta shave their tweens where they could not reach or see and we would laugh and make literal 

"smart ass remarks" ...

Those were the weird old days and how I got that job for that short amount of time I cannot even remember.

As I shaved my tween, I thought....I think I might like someone to do this for me, yet I'm not willing to go get anything waxed (way too personal)...so fancy razor and me , myself and , I it is.

When one shaves delicate areas there is a lot of yoga poses and balancing acts....

bending and hand play to get everything smooth.

The back end is harder still because the area is not so forgiving.

The final part is a nice little haircut on the front.

I have embraced hair.

I used to shave it all or leave little parts but I have since decided I like some fur....

although my fur is straight and that has always bothered me, maybe someone had commented one time?

who knows,

but I have let it grow but keep it short.

and occasionally I shave it because I, personally like the smooth feeling...

especially after a shower shave and baby oil.

women are often extremely sensitive to the looks of their lady parts down there. 

What is normal?

Why is it this way and her's is that way?

Porn only shows nice little "girl like" ones

This is so traumatizing to some women that they have taken to cutting there labias off to please the other sex's visual choice.

I don't think I have ever heard a man say...

"I'm gonna get my penis reconstructed because the ones I see on TV are huge and look like a PBR tall boy"

never....nope never

My finished manicured garden looked lovely and I was pretty sure the doctor would appreciate.

doctors appointment was a different story

all is good 

take care of your garden, and manicure that lawn anyway that makes YOU happy

Because, I think most people who enter your garden are just grateful they were invited to the garden

make sense?

love ya...

write ya later,

xo,

m

Destination Keanu and Winona...and my life intersection

As with any shitty breakup comes lots of liquor, friends requiring you to put on clothes, cookie dough, and shitty movies.....lots of shitty romantic comedies and slasher films.

Being doomed is the dangled carrot of my future.

I flipped through the movies....

click click click.

Keanu....if you can go through the second part of your life looking like the poor man's version of the Wolverine, I can surely go braless, sit around in my undies scraping cookie dough off the plastic while drinking high end grapefruit vodka.....every day if I want.

as I clicked ....I saw the perfectly shitty movie I would fill my nightly schedule with.

yeah....whoopie

Destination Wedding.

yup.....

Definitely no Sleepless in Seattle, but yet I found myself laughing and nodding and perfectly relating this sleeper into my true life.  

Keanu and Winona....

the charisma was there....

2 people who should have never met, yet do.  Pessimists in love and yet they fit so perfectly

"why didn't we meet 7 years ago Frank?"

"Luck I guess"

ha....

Hits so close to home.  How you can meet someone and have chemistry, but each is so oddly off that the connection is hidden.

Until it isn't. 

Sitting in bed eating Pringles and watching a movie....

arguing about correct pronunciations....

fucking and laughing....

and wondering

"where have you been all this time?"

This perfect scene with her and her flannel pajamas .....

me....so me.

The next scene he describes how beautiful she is, from her dress, to her ankles....

then she tells him how perfect he is....

right down to his straight penis....

I love this....

my quirky self relates to these scenes, because they have happened.

who knows...

this movie

Destination Wedding 

perfect for the non believers full of snark and lack of sex....

It made me laugh.

Things happen as they should in the time frame that they should

sometimes you have to look and say....

I like you, you weirdo

well if you have a free night and some vodka and a side of cookie dough

go for it....

it's kind of funny

and Keanu and Winona are the prefect bantering mismatched match.

it's a sleeper.

xo,

write ya later

m

Day 247: Keep On Truckin

Day 247

Sweet Foxxy Brown 

The View 

Lovely

this is what I try to replay over and over again.

Keep on Truckin

remember :

to eat real food.

don't stay at work just so you have a place to be

get dressed (have not been successful)

run/exercise 

neither vodka or watermelon constitute as a meal

be kind and don't resort to mean words

heart open even when sad

get out and do things alone

it's ok

and let your friends help you

I'm looking at apartments Friday

he has asked me to go to parallel counseling and I feel like I must, because he may need it.

and if I can help him feel better about everything then I can just worry about myself.

They always say to not send people out with more baggage than when they arrived.

I think I have added wasted years and exorbanant baggage to his person.

I never meant to

I know in the back of my mind it will be ok, either way it turns out.

I also realize that I may not be capable of safely loving again.

self worth, 

body image, 

and

the words that have been said to me the last month have made me see myself from the other's perspective and I realized that I carry some pretty shitty traits.

so, 

keep on truckin

xo,

write ya later,

m

it's so hard

It is...

It sucks.

it really doesn't matter how many friends you have... you are always alone.

I understand that. I really do.

I'm going to type perfectly honest right now.

I can't sleep, My 3 am text buddy died in his sleep last week

His best friend, Mark,  is broken.

He texted me tonight

"what ya doin"?

I texted back....

"I'm here....I can come to you"

We sat and had a beer, ate some dinner and talked about the good times we had shared with Chris...

I know he hurts....

I can't fix it.

Just listen and keep being strong

I'm having a hard time....taking care of people and not breaking down.

working,

mediating Olive,

and being me.

I want to leave and go somewhere but it is not feasible.

I want to run away but I'm not 22...

gotta suck it up and keep moving forward no matter what I feel right now.

the silence of the separation is nerve wracking

it will be ok

xo,

write ya later,

m

365 days: Today I did a thing ...day 189

I did a thing,,,,

outside my comfort zone. 

I was invited to hang out with the Litas , an all women motorcycle group.

I was nervous, why?.... not sure...

maybe because I'm old and I think I'm cool and shit, but am really not.

But anyways I went.

Rode the scoot to the private party and crossed my fingers.

It is always a bit weird going to do something completely alone, but I don't hate it...it's just a bit awkward at first.

I got there...

and they forgot to tell me it was a dress up party, meaning....dresses, so no one had ridden their bike.

Oh well.

It was a mixed bag and it turned out quite nice.  

they were welcoming and were huggers (which I love) 

all different ages and skills.

I liked it.

The Litas Colorado

I took a picture of them before the group pic and they are really cute.

The other group I visited in Denver a few years ago, was never very friendly or welcoming. 

They were very cliquey and it seemed more of a fashion show than a place to meet and ride with like minded people.

I felt out of place there....

I am a solo person.  I love hanging with people and having fun, but as soon as people start comparing riding boots and kevlar and when their next finger tattoo is happening , I'm out.

It's one of the main reasons I don't hang out with many girls.

I don't fit in.

So, I hope this group is different .

I hope I can find a bit of camaraderie.

PS.  I have been riding alone, more lately.  It is quite liberating, quiet and thought provoking.

I still wish I had someone to ride with once in a while...

for now, 

I will do

xo,

m