It's not that bad...is it?

 It's Rough

It's never that bad.

It's never as bad as we initially think. Just are required to push through.  Last week I made a texting error that I imagine we have all made at some point.  I texted to a group text when I should have been texting a private friend. 

Yeah

it sucked, but not as bad as it could have.  I only stated that a person was clueless as to her new puppy. 

Said person immediately texted me privately and said to keep her business out of group text and she now knows where she stands with me.  

I totally got it.  It hurt her(duh). I apologized, I called, I explained, but honestly, that really wasn't enough and I understand that.  This person is young and still quite self centered and they didn't need me talking about their life.  

I was in the wrong.

 If I hadn't cared I wouldn't have even responded, but I do care about this person. I regret my actions but once trust is lost there is noisy way fix to that, so I need to focus my energy elsewhere.  The only thing I can do is stay out of the way and be careful not to express my feelings too loudly.

And that is it.

when you do wrong you can only apologize so many times then you have to move on.  

This is not the first time in my 50+ years I have made a mistake, or said some negative things, or even thrown a joke out with a bit too much sarcasm, and I'm sure it won't be the last. But I do try to be aware and I have been trying to be more sensitive.

My upbringing of being the youngest of 12 siblings conditioned me to be spicy.  Eight older brothers didn't leave me with room to be soft or unable to defend myself. When I think about what my problems are I often refer to what I learned last year.  I can't ask myself what is wrong with me ( I KNOW what is wrong) but the bigger picture is " What happened to me".  These things formed the me I am today. 

• youngest of a large family
• alcoholic parents
• father with Alzheimers 
• rape
• death of 2 brothers and father within a few years
• death of mother
• unfaithful partners
• divorce
• experiencing an OD of a child
• suicide attempt by child
• illness in family
• Covid
• PTSD
• untimely death of sissy

None of these are an excuse for my sometimes poor behaviors....but they are a reason for some, for the mistrust and negative attitude I sometimes carry with me, and definitely for my cynicism.  Every day I learn new things and try to make the effort to be and do better, but I'll be honest, sometimes I slip back to my protected self and throw the walls of mistrust and spice back up.  One would think that after 40 some years I would catch myself before it happened.

As I write this, my heart suffers to know that I am not a great person all the time. I'm guessing no one really is. I do know that I care. If I can I will sit by you and hold your hand in a crisis. I will sit at your deathbed if requested. I will be there in any way that I can if you ask....and I do not tend to hold a grudge. Life is too short for that.

I understand if you are busy, or if you have been busy for 7 years....I'll most likely still be here if you need me or want to talk. I'll pick up that conversation right where we left off.  I understand if you can't show up, even if you said you would be there....You know why?  Because life happens, family happens and usually that stuff is way more important than a meeting at the local bar.

Life happens.

So, It's not that bad, is it? Work is tough right now. Figuring out my place in an environment where I am slightly appreciated but not enough to monetarily compensate me. Realizing that maybe I can't always stay somewhere just because I like most of the people. I, too, need to live and pay my bills and move forward in a direction that fills my needs and not just continue doing something because it's there,  it's expected and it's easy. 

Also, when work becomes a bit too dramatic for me, I tend to move on. My free time is more important than bringing the dread of work home with me, or to even spend any of my private time thinking about work.

That's where I am right now.

A few good things

• friend is coming to visit
• off social media this month
• been reading
• painting
• working out
• job interviews
• re-eval after loss of sissy

It's time to re-evaluate this time period and make a new "list of to do's"

Write ya later,

m

Daydreamer

aurora

Daydreamer

Play "Daydreamer"  on Amazon Music Unlimited (ad)

White, silicon eyes, watching storms, sitting quiet

Reading books in the heat of city lights

Bored, everyone's bored

When I'm restless, put me under the night life stars

And I will feel grounded

 

I know I'm just a girl

But can I change lives?

If I am nothing, if I am trying, I think I can

I step on broken glass, and dream of soft clouds

When feelings are heavy they become all we are

 

And we become night time dreamers

And street walkers, small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

And we become night time dreamers

Street walkers, small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

In real life

 

The quiet lust belongs to all of us

And drives us closer into the madness

Of the world, of a gun

(And it suits me just fine)

'Cause everyone dies, and nobody loves

And somebody dies right now

I hear the quiet, sweet music that no one sings

 

And we become night time dreamers

Street walkers and small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

And we become night time dreamers

Street walkers, small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

In real life

 

All I ever know is what I dream about when I'm sober

Never turn away from love

Before the love you have is over

All I ever know is what I dream about when I'm sober

Never turn away from love

Before the love you have is over

Nothing can die while we are here

Nothing can die while we are here

Nothing can die while we are here

Nothing can die while we are here

 

Then we become night time dreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

Street walkers and small talkers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

When we should be daydreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

And we become night time dreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

Street walkers, small talkers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

 

When we should be daydreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

When we should be daydreamers

(Nothing can die while, nothing can die)

Daydreamers

https://lyricstranslate.com/en/aurora-daydreamer-lyrics.html

Gardening Down Below

ya know....

there are certain body parts which don't get the recognition they should from me.

I just realized the other day that my vagina, vajajay, hootchie, peach, etc does not get the love it so rightly deserves .

go read some stories about falling back in love with your parts

at The Vulva Gallery

I had a Doctors appointment and , like going to the beach, I said "let's make sure the garden is tidy"

I spend time on a daily basis, cleaning and shaving around the edges etc...but I don't always go all out.

What's the point?  It's just me and it really is not like someone might come along and say ...."hey, let me critique your edging" Although it would be gladly appreciated if someone did come along and want to critique in a nice manner....

So, as I showered I teetered on one leg, lathered and shaved carefully around all the parts. front to back.... 

It brought me back to my younger years when I helped the girls at the Gold Club in Atlanta shave their tweens where they could not reach or see and we would laugh and make literal 

"smart ass remarks" ...

Those were the weird old days and how I got that job for that short amount of time I cannot even remember.

As I shaved my tween, I thought....I think I might like someone to do this for me, yet I'm not willing to go get anything waxed (way too personal)...so fancy razor and me , myself and , I it is.

When one shaves delicate areas there is a lot of yoga poses and balancing acts....

bending and hand play to get everything smooth.

The back end is harder still because the area is not so forgiving.

The final part is a nice little haircut on the front.

I have embraced hair.

I used to shave it all or leave little parts but I have since decided I like some fur....

although my fur is straight and that has always bothered me, maybe someone had commented one time?

who knows,

but I have let it grow but keep it short.

and occasionally I shave it because I, personally like the smooth feeling...

especially after a shower shave and baby oil.

women are often extremely sensitive to the looks of their lady parts down there. 

What is normal?

Why is it this way and her's is that way?

Porn only shows nice little "girl like" ones

This is so traumatizing to some women that they have taken to cutting there labias off to please the other sex's visual choice.

I don't think I have ever heard a man say...

"I'm gonna get my penis reconstructed because the ones I see on TV are huge and look like a PBR tall boy"

never....nope never

My finished manicured garden looked lovely and I was pretty sure the doctor would appreciate.

doctors appointment was a different story

all is good 

take care of your garden, and manicure that lawn anyway that makes YOU happy

Because, I think most people who enter your garden are just grateful they were invited to the garden

make sense?

love ya...

write ya later,

xo,

m