frustrated and mad.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Where is my strength and confidence?
I need to get out of this situation.
Problem is, as I see it right now, I can't just leave.
But why can't I?
This has been an issue with me for 10 years....I should have left then
When I still had some opportunity for success.
Here's the big thing.
I have become the person I never thought I would be.
Looking outside this relationship is bullshit.
That is not me, obviously it is me....
But it is NOT me.
I cannot say I was pushed to this but I cannot live in a household where my friends have been banned, sex is non existent, and there is no laughter.
My list is short...
1. I want someone to talk to....about life, books, humor, current events....we don't need to agree, just discuss . I like to feel like the person I am with has something to offer in the form of intelligence, and a will to teach and discuss. I like to learn....so teach me...I too may have something to offer.
2. I want someone to take control once in a while. I'm exhausted from doing most for the house. I want someone who shares their needs and participate within the relationship....not living their own life, then showing up for the meals and preplanned vacations. This mine is mine and yours is ours is bullshit. Step up, add something to the picture, hey....go buy toilet paper, when you run out, clean the toilet once in a while, spend some of your "personal secret money" on the relationship. Plan something and don't say...." I don't know....what do you want?"
.....talk about emasculation...this is where it starts...if you can't make a decision on your own....and I have to do it every time....I become the man of the household.....I DO NOT WANT THIS!!!! equal is good...or even, you take control for a bit. take the reins. I'll support you.
3. I want sex. Intimate sexy sex.... fucking, loving, anything...I want someone to laugh and slap my butt...and I'll tell you what...I'm the most affectionate person you will meet. When I want and love someone....I'm all there. I want to sleep next to someone who wants to curl up and be close to fall asleep. someone who wants to have a quickie in the car. Give and receive....sex, love, knowing, intimacy, heat , breath, touch.... I can't take this non affection anymore. I want to kiss someone.
4. I would like to do things once in a while.... I am perfectly capable of doing things alone, I prefer to hang with the people I love....so being in a relationship but never participating in anything together is fucked. It's hard to continue to support one person when they don't care to make the effort to support you. It's just not worth it.
5. I don't feel like asking people I want to hang out with ,to hang out with me anymore. It's fine. There really are plenty of interesting people out there. Maybe I chose a few of the wrong ones. I'm not going to beg, and please don't try to get back in when you realize I have moved on....
6. last but not least ....be present.
There , I said it.
with all that said, I have been stressed to the gills. Work is shit and I have been throwing my resume out there. I am not hip on learning a bunch of brand new work stuff right now....but will if I have to.
I have my 5 year mammogram coming up and I can feel a lump in the same boob as before. I haven't told anyone, so I thought I would say it here. I'll find out what they have to say in March...I'm gonna hope it is just fibroid cysts and call it a day, because if I have to go through all that crap again this household is going to fold big time.
write ya later,
xo,
m
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