Tonight it's you

saw this and thought....

yup.  

instead I say...

"fine, fuck you too"

This is bad etiquette.  In most realities it is known as burning bridges.

In my reality it is known as broken heart syndrome.

well, as of now anyways.  

I have people come and go in my life and that is expected. 

Dealing with the changes has been challenging.

I am going to be honest, the hardest part is questioning why they came in the first place.

Through the years I have tried to change my beliefs to a more ...

"it is what it is" and "people are kind and good, in general" way of thinking.

It is hard, even as a grown woman I question the intent of many.

Are they feeding off, and into, my insecurities?

or do they actually care?

Are they playing me?

well, even if they are...I believe that is more my situation and I really should not be blaming them.

I can just as easily cut that shit down and back as quickly as their snake tongues can dish it out....

yet, I tend not to.

It's ok...

Recently I have had a few men come into my life on the periphery. 

One is an old friend who I love very much. He loves me very much. We talk, we laugh, we live separate lives which will most likely never cross.  I believe it is okay.  I'm not sure I would be attracted to him if he was here and our friendship means a lot to me, and to risk that would be a deal breaker for me with him.   

I crossed paths with a friend of a friend and we have a great ability to laugh and joke with each other. Our sense of humor is identical and the snarky banter is great.  late night texts and funnies....propositions which will never come to fruition and encouragement.

These are the kind of people I adore.

Funny, flattering, honest, smart, and quick witted...

Wish they were closer to hang with...

but they are not.

One thing I also realized... is that when I find someone attractive, I look past many things. Good for them, but maybe not good for me.

It has taken me a while to realize, and to be able to acknowledge, that many people, not just myself, carry their own baggage...and they bring it with them, regardless of the type of relationship.

My response to this is: if you care about someone...

Continue to do so.

People evolve, change, and I like to think are on a constant path to enlightenment within self...

Jesus, I know these last few years have been that way for me.

Loving someone should not be hard, yet sometimes it really is...It is sometimes a challenge.

A past lover carried some , what I like to call, invisible baggage.

Everything seemed ok...as it always does with excitement and newness.

Laughter, friendship....love amazing sex...it was a good thing for our souls.

As the relationship continued I realized, my issues aside, this beautiful soul was carrying a much heavier set of bags than I could ever imagine. 

Past experiences, present, heartbreak, growth, illness, loneliness...

and I so wanted to help...

to be a friend, lover, and confidant.

then the realization was that I cannot fix people.

I was all ready in that situation, why do I want to take it on again or in addition too?

I think it is/was just me.

My heart broke for him...wanted him...and also wished for him....happiness.

For whatever reason, things happen, paths cross and lessons are learned and the hope is that with each lesson and relationship we learn how to evolve.

I need people in my life.

I am learning to accept the people who come in, even if it is just for their need to learn...

I am also learning that people sometimes come back around with a realization that love is an amazing thing and it is not always kittens and parties, but the lesson of life and adaptation that sometimes comes over time.

In my last therapy I was asked to think hard about life and love and to realize I am not missing out, but experiencing every day.  I am learning everyday. I am teaching myself to speak carefully but firmly and to know that I will know when the time is right.

Until then, 

people will come and go

lovers will come and go

but I will be here for myself

and if I need someone to stay

I should ask.

I do need people to stay

Please stay....

"everyone makes mistakes, let's figure out what happened and or went wrong so that it doesn't happen again in the future.  Let's learn from this mistake and let go of it so that we can move on to all the beauty which awaits us in the future."

amen sister

xo

write ya later....

m

ps. this song is for you  

p.s.s:I have less than a month to get my ass in shape for a bikini and beach, future posts will be about my distress of this situation, plentiful of humor and self doubt and pictures of an attempt to put this into a bikini

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you.

Tonight it's you

sex and anxiety and the real fix

I spend so much of my life caring for others.   

Yes, it is part of my job... but it also is me.

I overthink , over love, over stress, and over care.

Lately, not sure if it is due to new work...

the classic Fear of Missing Out....

or the fact my lists are moving too fast and I'm not sure I'm ready for so much change....

I have been experiencing some anxiety.

This is not a new thing. It comes and goes and I keep pretty quiet about it.

Friends comment, "settle down, relax....get a massage" but I'm not sure they understand the underlying feeling of unrest.

Denver graffiti

This is how I feel on the inside

I have found a few things which I use to slow me down...

Run, knit, workout, or have sex.  

not in that order...just those are what seem to calm the beast.

Usually it is this:

knitting, which uses my brain to keep track of stitches stops the worry.

Running and/or working out is always good....

although, sometimes I don't feel like it....

which causes more stress.

then there is :

Sex, oh sweet sex,

As a caregiver and hugger of all, I cherish not just sex....but touch.

I need touch.

It soothes my soul and calms me.

A hand on my leg....it's so calming.

 it says, " I am here, with you...I am here.

I feel that this is where much of my angst has come from in the past few years.

I go months to years without any touch...

short of a hug from O, or a given hug to a friend.

I go months to usually years without sex...

short of myself ( but we won't count that).

It's the closeness I miss mostly....

Intimacy...

the heaviness of another person encompassing you and looking into your eyes.

It is a weird sense of calming for me.

Losing this in my life has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

People may ask, why is this an issue? 

my only answer is

"it just is...maybe punishment for a past life?"

it just is

The fear of never experiencing it again riddles me with anxiety...

The key is not to think...

not to fall in love...

keep to self and don't let that door open again.

because when that door opens, the receiving end is going to be bombarded with so much 

love, attention, touch, laughter and goodness that they need to be ready...

they will never have to look again...

putting the thought of growing old alone to rest...

but

right now, I just watch and tae care of self and friends...loving in the ways they need as friends.

I know I am perfectly capable of caring for and calming myself...

but closeness....

yes.

I need it.

my mind needs it...

Prioritizing me is something I am learning. 

I prioritize the care of everyone around me...

It makes up for the lack of other loss in my life.

But my list now includes me, 

and my needs, which seems selfish, but it is time.

short list

I'm so fucking mad right now.
frustrated and mad.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Where is my strength and confidence?

I need to get out of this situation.
Problem is, as I see it right now, I can't just leave.
But why can't I?

This has been an issue with me for 10 years....I should have left then
When I still had some opportunity for success.

Here's the big thing.
I have become the person I never thought I would be.
Looking outside this relationship is bullshit.
That is not me, obviously it is me....
But it is NOT me.
I cannot say I was pushed to this but I cannot live in a household where my friends have been banned, sex is non existent, and there is no laughter.

My list is short...
1. I want someone to talk to....about life, books, humor, current events....we don't need to agree, just discuss .  I like to feel like the person I am with has something to offer in the form of intelligence, and a will to teach and discuss. I like to learn....so teach me...I too may have something to offer.
2. I want someone to take control once in a while.  I'm exhausted from doing most for the house.  I want someone who shares their needs and participate within the relationship....not living their own life, then showing up for the meals and preplanned vacations.  This mine is mine and yours is ours is bullshit.  Step up, add something to the picture, hey....go buy toilet paper, when you run out, clean the toilet once in a while, spend some of your "personal secret money" on the relationship.  Plan something and don't  say...." I don't know....what do you want?"
.....talk about emasculation...this is where it starts...if you can't make a decision on your own....and I have to do it every time....I become the man of the household.....I DO NOT WANT THIS!!!!  equal is good...or even, you take control for a bit.  take the reins.   I'll support you.
3. I want sex.  Intimate sexy sex.... fucking, loving, anything...I want someone to laugh and slap my butt...and I'll tell you what...I'm the most affectionate person you will meet.  When I want and love someone....I'm all there.  I want to sleep next to someone who wants to curl up and be close to fall asleep.  someone who wants to have a quickie in the car.  Give and receive....sex, love, knowing, intimacy, heat , breath, touch....   I can't take this non affection anymore.   I want to kiss someone.
4. I would like to do things once in a while.... I am perfectly capable of doing things alone, I prefer to hang with the people I love....so being in a relationship but never participating in anything together is fucked. It's hard to continue to support one person when they don't care to make the effort to support you.  It's just not worth it.
5. I don't feel like asking people I want to hang out with ,to hang out with me anymore. It's fine. There really are plenty of interesting people out there.  Maybe I chose a few of the wrong ones.  I'm not going to beg, and please don't try to get back in when you realize I have moved on....
6. last but not least ....be present.


There , I said it.
with all that said, I have been stressed to the gills. Work is shit and I have been throwing my resume out there. I am not hip on learning a bunch of brand new work stuff right now....but will if I have to.
I have my 5 year mammogram coming up and I can feel a lump in the same boob as before. I haven't told anyone, so I thought I would say it here.  I'll find out what they have to say in March...I'm gonna hope it is just fibroid cysts and call it a day, because if I have to go through all that crap again this household is going to fold big time.

write ya later,

xo,

m

Ann Taylor Loft xoxox

I bought these pants yesterday in white and olive green.

I love them. I love the way they fit. They had them in petite which fit my curves perfectly.

and you know what else I love?

$9.98

uhhuh!

If you have never shopped their sales...check them out

The clothes are well made, comfy and really cute.

Project: "Green with Envy"

I finally got started on my project for Olive's room. You may remember I picked up this little bookshelf/desk for 40$. I knew it had potential. I had previously worked on Olive's Dresser with paint and fabric and thought this time I would try something a bit easier and a bit more forgiving.

I took the back off so it would be easier to spray paint.

Lightly sand with fine grit sandpaper,clean with Naptha (my new favorite thing).

Spray paint until your finger gives out, then have a cocktail and start again.

Don't forget to take the hardware off.

I actually reused the hardware, it had a cool look

I need one glass knob for one drawer still.

get ready for the chair.

Remove the seat cushion and cut the fabric a few inches larger than the cushion.

I had some cool leftover fabric from a purse I was making. I was going to cover the seat myself but Bobby could barely stand to watch me with the staple gun...so he took over....

then hurt his finger,but Olive had some Band-Aids for him

chair all done.

now look how nice.

I'm sure it will all be a mess by tomorrow...but I was able to clean her room, pack up stuffed animals and rearrange. Just in time for her 5th bday.

This project took:

1 old dresser thing

4 cans of spray paint in apple green

fine grit sandpaper

clean rag

Naptha

screw driver

and a nice sunny day

...

m

Eco Wrap anyone?

So this year I made a decision to not buy any more wrapping paper. I will use up what I have but instead of buying such a horribly wasteful item I put my little brain to work.
Here are a few things we came up with.
First and foremost : 100% recycled Kraftpaper.
I got it for $1.88 a roll for 50 ft at Walmart. (1.88!~!!!!!!)

I can recycle it with the paper with no guilt.
Olive has been coloring some....we did some stamps on some ...and we bowed them with left over yarn. Perfect

The second one we used: Olive's Coloring Book pages She had to willingly donate the pages then we taped them together and wrapped. She had some of those gigantic coloring pages, those were perfect.

Newspaper is good. although I don't get the paper, we got some from the neighbors.

Remember to save giftbags for reuse, and all the cards. We cut the cards for gift tags.

I found that you can actually save about 27$ dollars by not buying any new stuff....Yes I priced it out using Target wrapping paper prices ... 27$ is not much, but it bought 1 small Lego set (Bionicle) and 2 little puzzles, and a 10 starbucks gift card. See?

Guest room for under $200

Before...yuk

Well.we finished it tonight, just in time for my sister.  It still needs a TV because all guest need to relax with a little satellite, but that will have to wait for tax return.  There is a perfect place for a flat screen TV right in the nook.  It needs a bit more decor but it's good enough.