longest day and memories...christmas morning

 Life is short...

today, my son hung himself

he is still alive, 

It is not his time

and I hope he will soon understand that he has so much to still give to this world...

that his light has only begun to shine,

even though his head and heart are so heavy he is unable to carry them alone.

We will carry it all for you,Blue....

until you are strong enough

 and the light is bright enough

for you to see the

path 

your beautiful path 

once again 

❤

the call was the same as the one I received the day his girlfriend was found dead from accidental overdose in the bed next to him.

My son, 

he carries the world in his head and his heart,

He has not done art in a year and that, too, has weighed heavy

upon his soul.

We have all been in dark spaces 

We have all had a time when life is so heavy that it seems we 

cannot

continue 

another day

But the next day will most likely never be as bad as the moment you

attempted....

to leave this planet

and us....

you still have so much to give this planet

so much to teach to others

so much love to give

and ....

love to receive....

I promise.

I promise

it is just waiting for the perfect moment

thank you

for 

staying

xo,

m

"acute attempt by hanging 

non diagnosable"

this occurs when the weight of life is too hard to handle and the coping skills are low to none

often seen in abused and abusive relationships and PTSD...

 where one loses the ability to momentarily rationalize

Not due to diagnosable severe depression or mental illness.

if the weight of the world is suffocating you

tell someone

call 911, call anyone ....

and I do realize the weight of the phone is often as heavy as the moment you decide you cannot go on.

It will get better.  

It will

I promise.

national hotline

800-273-8255

long term effects from hanging survival is unknown...

physical and of course mental

many see hope after surviving....

many do not.

many have resources and support...

many do not

Many have the ability to have people care for them and help....

many fall right back into the situation which put them there

Blue...

we will forever fight for your light

there is a reason

mom

sex and anxiety and the real fix

I spend so much of my life caring for others.   

Yes, it is part of my job... but it also is me.

I overthink , over love, over stress, and over care.

Lately, not sure if it is due to new work...

the classic Fear of Missing Out....

or the fact my lists are moving too fast and I'm not sure I'm ready for so much change....

I have been experiencing some anxiety.

This is not a new thing. It comes and goes and I keep pretty quiet about it.

Friends comment, "settle down, relax....get a massage" but I'm not sure they understand the underlying feeling of unrest.

Denver graffiti

This is how I feel on the inside

I have found a few things which I use to slow me down...

Run, knit, workout, or have sex.  

not in that order...just those are what seem to calm the beast.

Usually it is this:

knitting, which uses my brain to keep track of stitches stops the worry.

Running and/or working out is always good....

although, sometimes I don't feel like it....

which causes more stress.

then there is :

Sex, oh sweet sex,

As a caregiver and hugger of all, I cherish not just sex....but touch.

I need touch.

It soothes my soul and calms me.

A hand on my leg....it's so calming.

 it says, " I am here, with you...I am here.

I feel that this is where much of my angst has come from in the past few years.

I go months to years without any touch...

short of a hug from O, or a given hug to a friend.

I go months to usually years without sex...

short of myself ( but we won't count that).

It's the closeness I miss mostly....

Intimacy...

the heaviness of another person encompassing you and looking into your eyes.

It is a weird sense of calming for me.

Losing this in my life has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

People may ask, why is this an issue? 

my only answer is

"it just is...maybe punishment for a past life?"

it just is

The fear of never experiencing it again riddles me with anxiety...

The key is not to think...

not to fall in love...

keep to self and don't let that door open again.

because when that door opens, the receiving end is going to be bombarded with so much 

love, attention, touch, laughter and goodness that they need to be ready...

they will never have to look again...

putting the thought of growing old alone to rest...

but

right now, I just watch and tae care of self and friends...loving in the ways they need as friends.

I know I am perfectly capable of caring for and calming myself...

but closeness....

yes.

I need it.

my mind needs it...

Prioritizing me is something I am learning. 

I prioritize the care of everyone around me...

It makes up for the lack of other loss in my life.

But my list now includes me, 

and my needs, which seems selfish, but it is time.

365 days: Yin and Yang ...My heart is like paper

What a night 

and then another ....

Yin and Yang of life I suppose.
With each birth there is a death
 and just as life has it,
with each death there is a birth.

Ilin Blue "Oozium"

Saturday at Helikon Gallery we celebrated the birth of this young man's art, which is going to bring him into a new life.

People flowed in from all over to see his art they had been hearing about.

The artists were all talking and excited to see who this artist was.

This artist, Ilin Blue, was a surprise to them all.

The gallery owner had no idea that Ilin ( Oozium) was only 22...

had never once shown his art before....

The gallery filled up...

they ran out of drinks....

The owner came up to me and said,

"we have never had an opening to this extent before, with this many people showing up on opening night for a group show....they are all here for him.  He has all ready sold all of his art, and it has only been 1 hour"

This young man, with the shirt he bought and pressed 2 hours earlier, clean pants and Elliot's ashes around his neck, smiled from ear to ear 

( check out the Denver Grillz)

He spoke to people as they came in.

Other artists and visitors asked for pictures with him.

He was happy.

A much needed change from the last 3 weeks.

I whispered, "your Muse made this happen...she is here..."

He smiled at me and I gave him a big hug....

Sometimes , just sometimes, good things can grow out of horrible.

 The gallery owner pulled him aside and asked if he would be willing to do reprints, ...

"of course!"

As I walked around the galleries looking at other art I realized how special tonight was.

One artist said " Have you seen the young man's art downstairs in the main building? We heard he may be coming to our gallery to stay for a while.  We can't believe his stuff...we heard he draws too....

That young man is on his way up...we hope he stays here."

I smiled and said, 

"that is my son."

My beautiful broken son...

I believe they said around 300 people walked in to see Oozium...the artist with his art on 3 full walls, 

with no art schooling, past shows, or artist tribe...

Awkwardly shaking hands, and humbly saying ,

"thank you, man"

with his signature little bow, prayer hands and huge smile.

The night was grand.

As I left the owner came up to me and said,

"we would like him to consider a full gallery show in 2020 if he is interested. 

All walls, floor to ceiling. I just can't get enough of his humble attitude and if this is his beginning we can't wait to see how he progresses."

This beginning stemmed from an end. The Muse who had all the paperwork ready to submit for this art show....then died.  

The submission that almost did not happen because he did not feel like he could do it.

But we said, "Elliot would want this"

and now the doors are open for a rebirth.

They offered him his own studio, 

A group of people with like mind to help him get out of his head and into the world.

A place to find a bit of refuge from his sadness.

a new Tribe.....

minus,

the only 

person

he 

ever 

wanted 

to 

be 

with.

The Muse...Ashton/Elliot

He enjoyed the opening, his friends kept him safe...

He went out....he came home...

all was beautiful

All was so good that he said,

"it's time I go back to the apartment"

The next day he gathered all of his stuff and went back to their little apartment,

unpacked and sat down on the bed in which she had only died 1 month prior to the day...

and cried,

and cried, 

and cried.

By the time he called I could only understand little bits and pieces but as his mom I knew the pain.

"Mom, this fucking sucks, I want her...physically next to me and she NEVER WILL BE AGAIN"

no, you are right...she never will be.

"I'm laying in the bed and I just want her, so I can tell her how great it was, how I want her to be proud, how I did all of this for her"

I know....but that is not going to happen and she opened this door for you...

please Blue, don't let her down now....cry, be sad...but breathe.

"I'm lonely, mom, I'm lonely and scared that I will always be lonely"

Blue, at night, we are all lonely, you must find a way to be ok with being lonely...

Have a place to put your sadness every night, 

then remember 

we are all alone when we close our eyes at night...

it won't get better, but it will get easier and at some point you may find solace in the fact you can be in the bed with your heart and mind open and be ok with you, just you.

You will make friends, you will go out, you will eat and sometimes you will just go out because you know you should....

and that is good.

But we are all alone at night.

I love you Ilin Blue.

I am so proud.

Only you can hold your own heart in your hands and make it ok 

I can only be here....

watching and listening

and Blue,

remember....

she would be so proud....

she wanted this for you.

❤❤

Each Death Brings Birth

Write ya later,

m

Such a Simple Thing

R.Lamontagne

Tell me what you're feeling

I can take the pain

Tell me that you mean it

That you won't leave again

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

I can't make you see

If you don't by now

I'll get through these chains

Some how

Some how

Take it if you want it

I'm so tired I just don't care

Can't you see how much you hurt me?

It's like I wasn't there

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

I can't make you see

If you don't by nowI'll get through these chainsSome howSome how

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

It's official

I passed my RN boards. I am an official RN. To some this seems trivial, to me...I am so glad it's over and I can start this new facet of my life. A great load has been lifted. I can breathe...I can sew, I can knit..I can definitely burn my books...

My NCLEX had 233 questions. that is a ton. I honestly thought I failed. Everyone does. My results state otherwise, I pass!!! Now I can turn my attention to get back on track, and starting to learn more about nursing. Figure out where I will lead my dream. Hopefully to a 3rd world country :)

now I am off to sew a little project...anyone have a little tiny project for me? I am going to surf the sewing blogs so that I can try out my new machine.