If It Doesn't Make You Wiser.... Quarantine Days

I get lost...

not sure what holds things down

or back

in my head.

This beautifully sad movie was not the ideal thing for me to watch today,

alone...

maybe too close to home....

Maybe made me feel 

too much

and the hole opened again.

so many things I need to sit and think about,

to fix

to not be another disappointment 

Being strong is what is expected...

The mean mom, the tough one,

the bitch ex wife....

(almost)

As I continue to try to run away, to escape and to be strong...

reality keeps seeping in.

I go back to work in a week and I'm not sure I'm ready.

I definitely don't want to continue to sit around but I also am not sure I can keep my shit together.

I really do not want to cry ...

I don't want to talk about it because when I do I feel the need to only say the good stuff, 

because there was a lot of good stuff.

Keep the sad or morbid stuff quiet...

then I realized today,

the bucket I cram all that into is nearing the top, with no overflow.

I can't sleep

it's not all about my job etc...that really just allowed me to but a name ,or an excuse, on my feelings.

Now it's everything

every dark spot I had ,or have no control over, is there and it feels pretty vast.

I'll be fine

but I wonder what others do?

I was sent this article 

"I Can't Turn My Brain Off: PTSD and Burnout Threaten Medical Workers"

I sit here and think maybe taking time off is really not the best idea...

Maybe that is the exact idea as to why they often require us to work continuously

Then I was sent a link to 10-33 foundation for reintegration...

I put it a folder last week...

today I opened it and filled it out.

I should probably write more, because I sure as shit don't want to talk more

I just want to laugh...

I want to be done with this divorce ...

because I cannot understand it and that kills me too

I get angry when I see him still sitting on the couch doing the exact same thing....

when he stuffs all my belongings in the basement and has ripped up and thrown away every family picture....

just seems really hurtful, but yet again...I hurt him

I still pay the bills and mortgage...

I'm not sure I have ever been much of anything except a bill payer ....

I don't want to talk to family because they really don't need to know

and even if they did,

what can they do.

As silly as it sounds I want to just sit and listen to the birds

or do something I can complete and be proud of...

have someone rub my back while I fall asleep 

and make sure I do fall asleep...safely

I would like to sit and listen to music

and not cry...not feel that overwhelming burden.

I don't want to think about how much more I could do for the people in my life...

son, daughter, friends, lovers, family, and the people I promise to care for within my job...

There is nothing I can really do

except wait it out

figure it out

keep smiling...

and hoping I can be the person I am supposed to be.

xo,

write ya later,

m

here.....if it doesn't make you wiser...

Wiseblood

Zola Jesus

This'll be my last home

But this stream will carry me through

But this stream isn't home no more

And truth can make immune

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

And this'll be my one remorse

But this stream's kept me abused

And this stream is a hungry course

And time can make it new

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

In these parting days, I am losing all my senses

In these timeless days, I can barely see through

In this crowded space, I am losing all my senses

In these drowned out bays, I can barely see through

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

A New Covid Countdown.

When you are alone you start doing weird stuff.

This is my little window I look out every morning before I go to work.

All the stuff people send and the things which are making me smile

Every day I add a bit more and let it remind me how many people have my back.

then I started thinking about my days....

I decided I needed to change something

I was counting down the days until I went home...

I decided this was more appropriate for the situation

How many days I  can go without a patient, in my care, dying.

I know that there isn't always much I can do....

but it makes me feel like I have done something.

One of the Litas sent these to me 

I adore them. 

I wish they were stickers

they are iron ons

These nurses were a little group who came to my room because they needed scrub caps, garbage bags, masks , ramen....etc.

They want everyone to know they are so very thankful to everyone who is so kindly sending stuff.

you should see their faces when I say its all free, but just take what you need so the others who are in need can cash in too

Us nurses hate ti have people do stuff for us.

they couldn't believe it.

Well today:

hospital good stats

1200 bed hospital (approx)

2 successful extubation (off the ventilators)

2 live patients happily discharged to home 

(so exciting that the hospital plays New York New York overhead in the entire hospital)

and wait for it....

No deaths of mine and none on our unit.

the other units not so good.

On the ride home I heard of at least 4 that shift.

but this was only one bus of nurses.

the discharge song...

feel free to clap, we do, every person in the hospital stops what they are doing and cheers when we hear this....

xo,

we can make it anywhere

write ya later, 

m

NYC and The Beast. (covid)

Packed and ready is a term I will use very lightly. As I packed and repacked, I said silent thank you to all the people who love to jump to the rescue.

I am speaking of my online family …

When I put the word out of what I needed, they were ridiculously bountiful.

It made me cry and laugh and I had to turn some stuff down.

Giving when someone you actually know needs something is different than when you hand over something to the Red Cross ( but keep doing that too).

Handing over to someone close to you gives you a sense of being able to help without the risk…

And I like that.

I received the scrubs I so desperately needed in the correct color and size…I have over 7 sets so I can not have to worry about washing them every day.

In each little gift I seemed to receive little bottles of liquor, which made me laugh ( y’all know me so well).

I received a handmade travel cup with my name and the Wonder Woman symbol so that I can drink said little liquors.

People stepped up to bring me PPE and N95….

Lots of kudos and love…

And above all 

Good vibes….

Maybe that was some of the best.

I am by no means a hero…I am a nurse….

Lately I have been lost and looking for a reason to have faith and a reason for not really getting up in the morning, but to keep a spark in my heart.

A friend said , “you may like to do travel nursing”

But I’m not super hip on changing my job and being away from my safe spot.

Then Covid….

Then hours cut…

Then surgery center shut…

Then furloughed…

And there I am. Sitting, 

an essential employee in any other situation

And unable to help.

Then a friend called and said I took a job….

NYC Covid relief

BUT

"Its 21 days straight, you don’t know anything until that day….

Call this number at 1 pm and keep trying …they take 400 nurses so just keep calling.”

When I dialed I said , “if I get through….It is meant to be…If not…thank goodness”

I got through in the first hour….was hired on the spot and asked if I could leave in 2 days.

It was so fast I had no time to think…and said yes.

Finished the few menial questions, hung up, and then freaked out.

Early that week I has done an online Full Throttle yoga class and the discussion of hope was to have “faith in yourself.”

Faith…in myself?

What an interesting thought and one in which I just really have a hard time with.  I know I am strong and able, but when it comes to faith, it waivers.  

So, as I am sitting on a plane with 9 other passengers, flying to what we call ground zero, in the middle of a pandemic, I am asking myself to have faith….and also to please help me not touch my face.

21 days straight starting tomorrow.

I’m not sure Ive ever done any work for 21 days straight….shit I’ve never done anything for 21 days straight….

I guess I will see how deep my strength, faith, meditation, and kindness can run.

I’m not alone….

I know that….let’s just hope my ability to connect is on it’s game for the next few weeks .

leaving Denver

 8 people on my SW flight. 

 So wish this was a fun trip...

look at tiny Lady Liberty

Pretty darn cool!

Write ya later

M

Please don’t tell me

roby dwi antono

please tell me this isn't my best life.

What a weird time it is, yet life must continue.

it must.

As a nurse I laugh daily....

as I take my temp for the billionth time before work

as they tell me " no masks are available"

as friends say " really?, you are going to go hang out with other friends?"

Yes...

Self distancing does not mean death or self destruction

or self isolation

we still must live.

My ex still sits on the couch every day.

same spot

same clothes

wont talk....

wont leave the house...

my house too 

yet I have been banned 

our divorce court date is pushed out to possibly June

Who has a fucking year long divorce?

me 

and him

at work ...

we closed today (surgery center) so I am moving to the hospital once again with people wishing me well and health.

but as a nurse I smile and go, and know that this is what my oath said...

care for others 

this is what we train for.

I am not alone.

at home my heart is with a man who apparently adores me and I can't quite figure it out

it is stressful and good at the same time.

Is it a joke? what the hell?

Is this what people really have in real life.....?

what I have been missing for all these years?

I am beside myself and baffled 

so, tonight t as I drink a vodka tonic and write I worry about the next few weeks.

I don't worry about my health....

I worry about others and the economy....

and how we will recover as a community,

healthcare workers will be fine

but will 

we 

all 

in the end?

xo

write ya later 

m

Oh no you didn't

Note to anyone visiting someone in the hospital.

Do not bring your ukulele unless you are this guy:

When someone asks a nurse, "may we bring a little music therapy" the nurse should double think, and or question the person asking, do NOT, and I repeat do NOT, just yell, "sure sounds great" as you dash by the room, praising God that you may not have to go in there for a bit now.

20 minutes later I had a senior citizen, belly aching, jam session going on, door wide open and high pitched yodels streaming from the curtained room.  

There was not even a door to close.

I peeked around the curtain and sure as shit....3 ukuleles, grey hairs and one in the bed smiling like the Cheshire Cat.

WHAT HAVE I DONE? 

my co workers looked at me with hatred.

Jesus Christ....I had no idea they meant this.  I thought iPhone and at worst , Michael Buble'.

so, my advice is ....just don't be that nurse.

Say Absolutely Fucking NOT.  

no therapy....no

thank me later,

m

Midlife student crisis

This is Rose, not me.  

I was just reading about her at Ned Hardy.  She's 83 and back in school so at least I can feel better about not being the oldest student alive.

Have I told you lately how much I hate school?  

I especially hate school because I really have no need to go back to school except for my place of employment has demanded everyone have a Bachelor's degree in 5 years.

whoopee.

I'm almost 50....

I don't find school fun, exciting or enlightening.   

I find free time exciting, not midterms.

I find using my extra hard earned money for vacation and liquor exciting....

not for text books.

I have no interest in getting a Masters degree or such....

I am interested in saving for retirement and my little home

this shit pisses me off

But I'm glad Rose is enjoying the life of a student.

Good for her....

plus I think college is free when you are her age.

Good for Rose....

goal for next year? write ...

I'm funny!  I just went back and read some of my older posts...hysterical  

I'm like a comedian and shit.  

I'm not sure if it was just a weird time or if I really am funny, but we are going to find out

Here's the deal.   I'm an RN at in Gastroenterolgy and pre proceudre etc.   Some days I work in the Colonscopy room.   Thats shit is funny

so   we are going to perfect our writing skills again.

yes we are...just like this guy

boob is free and clear....for now

I have been a bit absent due to the circumstances of breast illness and stress.  I would like to happily report that I was finally able to have my "breast sparing lumpectomy" on 4/30.  I was very nervous seeing how this was my very first surgery.  I had kept all this information to myself for a few months now and was emotionally ready to find out the answer. 

I arrived at the hospital at 7 am to prepare for the placement of the wire into my breast.  this is called a wire guided stereo mammogram.  The Dr. uses mammogram to place a wire into your breast up to the titanium chip which marks the cancerous area.  To me, it wasn't bad.  they give you some lidocaine and you drop your boob into a hole onto a table and they work from below.  I felt as long as I didn't think too much about it I was fine.  When he is done they take your for a soft mammogram (no such thing) to make sure the wire is in the right place then off to the pre-surgery area.    When I arrived into pre-surgery my blood pressure was up to the 150s ,which is unusual for me.  I was so scared.  As they started setting me up I just started blubbering like an idiot and the RNs stood there aghast.  " its ok..  its ok, we are going to take care of you.  You wont feel anything"  I knew all this but the emotion just poured out.  I was finally able to get my shit together and crack a few jokes and they felt it was safe enough to leave me in the tiny room to watch TV and relax.   

45 minutes later I had signed all consents, spoke to the surgeon and then the Anesthesiologist.  He was great, told me everything he was going to do and all was well in the world.  

Next thing I remember was him saying, " do you feel that?"  Feel what...?  the burning in my IV?   and he says , "yup. " with a big smile and I remember the oxygen mask coming towards me and hearing him laugh and  saying, " nighty night, Red".

I woke up an hour or so later in recovery.    I had no nausea, was thirsty, but no pain.   I sat around there for a while then was sent home.

I felt great.  no pain...no nausea....no pain.  they had placed a Scopolamine patch behind my ear for the nausea and it worked wonders.  

I was to leave everything in place and wear a big booby binder for 72 hours.

 day 3 i removed the binder.  not bad.

the lump they removed was about 2"x3" so my one breast was smaller and sitting up a little higher from the swelling and where she stitched me up.  I really couldn't complain.  the only stupid thing I did was remove the patch from behind my ear thinking I was fine and for 3 days I was unable to eat with my stomach rolling.  no puking...just uncomfortable.

 bandage

9 o'clock stitch from armpit to nipple.  could be worse.

Monday 5/5 :   I received my results after a long 6 days of waiting.  The Surgeon was able to remove the mass with no cancer left behind.  or what they call clean margins.   no other  cancerous cells found.  

I was so excited.  yet the strange thing was it hasn't eased my mind.  not sure if this is normal.  I woke up last night with chest pain and was afraid I was having a heart attack.  I'm sure it was anxiety, seeing as I am still alive this afternoon.   But I'm still a nervous wreck.

I go back for my checkup tomorrow.  

I am hoping I am not having a heart attack

and I am off work for another week or so, but with not much energy to do anything.

Alls good in boobsville for now

xo 

m

bruised boobie...should have bought a lottery ticket

So, they did call Friday afternoon and said my Biopsy was benign!  woop wool...celebrate.
I celebrated the life of my boob all weekend as silly as that seems.

Happy day.
I could get on with my life.
Everything from the past month just sped right up in fast motion and I felt over whelmed with everything I had thrown to the side with my distress.

I gardened, I cleaned up the yard.  I cleaned the laundry room.  I cleaned the cabinets and actually bought groceries for the family.
Ready to take on life...planning my vacations and starting to work out again/

Went back to work on Monday without a care in the world.


I recieved a phone call at about 10 am Monday morning and my gynecologist left a vm stating she would like to go over my biopsy.  Ok....I all ready got the answer from my primary dr so I wanst too worried.
I went into the break room and gave her a call.

"your biopsy of the calcifications showed nothing to worry about right now.  you have fibrocystic breasts which are very common at your age (my age being 45).....however, the Radiologist called me this morning and said after reviewing the pathology,  the cells around your biopsy site were concerning.  they have Hyperplastic Cell Growth of the Lobules and we would like to refer you to a cancer breast surgeon specialist.  "

wtf?
really?

she goes on to say: "  of biopsies done, only 37% come back malignant ( i see a problem here), of all the biopsies, only 4% come back with hyperplastic cell growth( which I made it to the 4%)...of that 4% only 25% show cancer upon further exams....and within about 10 years about 90% of those 4% develop breast cancer and some point....so, we feel like you should get it examined further to be safe, you are young and have kids....in 10 years you will still be young"

Really?  Maybe I should have bought a l;ottery ticket too.

this is the side of my breast. they went in at the 9 oclock position and this is the hematoma 1 week later after biopsy one

so my decisions now is if I want to continue down this path?  Do I just let it be for a while and see what happens.  I know for a fact I will not get mammos every 3 months just to torture myself.  I also will not be getting biopsies over and over again.  Its a proven fact every time they stick that needle into something potentially cancerous and drag it through the healthy cells you are causing damage.
hmmmm

anyone out there have this experience?  I know there are people.  any Cancer RNs or doctors or radiologists who would like to just say what they have seen or experienced.

with that said I am going to run today.  I am going to do some squats and pull ups.  i have 3 months until summer....and like the dr said,   Im still young...

write ya later,
m

Linda Blair

Your Falafels are fine…
Mine are fine…yours are fine.  Just eat.   I don't want to be here all night.

But they taste burnt.

Olive, they are fine…they are fried, not burnt.

I sip my wine, and wait, and wait, and wait.

"Mom, Olive has so much food in her mouth she can't swallow it", Ilin says.

Jeesus Christ, I think to myself.  Why can't anything be easy?  What the hell is wrong with these kids?  They are making me nuts, driving me to drink more than even my liver wants, and they are sucking the life out of me mentally.
I glance over as Olive's cheeks are about to explode, eyes bulging from her head.

Damnit Olive…just eat it, quit playing around!

Ilin's giggling and trying to look unamused.  Olive has a big tear hanging from the corner of her eye.

I look away and take a big gulp of 5$ wine, which I have plopped an ice cube in.
Vacation sounds good.  mmmmmmbeach.  I look at the TV in the Falafal place.  X Games are on.
There is a 12 year old kid who just did a back flip on a motorcycle.   My kids can't eat a proper meal with out choking.  great….Great job I did.

Olive excuses herself to the bathroom where I assume she spits the food into the toilet.  I gulp the remainder of my wine.
Let's get outta here.  I wanna get home and sit…just sit and knit.

Home is hot.  It's been 103 here all week.  Dry and miserable and even more without air-conditioning.  The fires make the air hard to breathe.  We all just melt into the furniture for a while then I say its time to hit the hay.
My bedroom is hotter than hell.  Above the garage with no wind to cool it.  Even with the fan and nakedness I'm still burning up.  I fall asleep sweating, cranky and tired.

MOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

What was that?  Ilin!  What was that noise.
wait, I know that noise…what
Oh My Effin God….no…

MOMMMMMMMMMM, Olive is Yaking every where!….

Fuck…fuck …arggghhhhh…

The spray was phenomenal.  Epic at best.

Her bed was covered.  It was sprayed on the wall (i followed the path), on the fuzzy pink rug she loves so much, onto the hardwood, into the hall, onto the new carpet "The new FUCKING CARPET!!!!!!",
on the wall in the hall, into the bathroom, in the bathroom drawer(which just happened to be open),in the tub, then she obviously remembered we puke in the toilet….which is where she was, head draped over the dirty toilet bowl.

"Goddamnit!, Fuck!  Come ON!  What the…. I don't want to cleant this shit up!"
My eyes filled with tears as the anger filled in my body.  True anger.
I looked at Olive who looked at me with tears, gasps, and a true apologetic look of fear.
How can I feel like this?  I could hear the curse words streaming from my mouth, unable to slow them, let alone stop them.
My head raced with every old lady crotch I wiped that day.  Every old man set of balls I powdered.  The messes I cleaned all day.  Nursing kindness I established with each of my patients through out the day.

I walked from the bathroom, took a deep breath, then turned around.  "I'm Sorry, Olive"
"Mammoo, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was going to happen"
"yes, I know"

I got the mop, steam cleaner, vacuum, and sponge.  Turned the shower on and put her in it as I started to clean.  I'm a bad, bad mom.  I know that.  
"here's a washcloth…use soap."

I cleaned it…I sprayed the febreeze, I took deep soothing breathes to right my mind….then I spent the rest of the night, holding Olives head and telling her I love her and her saying the same thing to me, and secretly praying this is not the one thing she remembers.  How awful her mom treated her when she threw up all over the house….Even though her mom is a nurse.

xo,
m

Medication Error lesson.

My new job is going ok...just in case you were wondering.

Tonight is night 3 of 3, which is often easier because you usually have the same patients.  

I had my first real Medication Error last night.  OMG, you are thinking?   Well people, it happens, and I'm gonna tell you how.  It happens to all RNs at some point and it is scary but it makes us realize that we are human, and we MUST take our time when nursing.  Nothing is that rushed that we can't take our TIME!!!!  Let me preface this little lesson by saying it could have been a LOT worse.  I didn't kill anyone, thank god!  And it wasn't a drug which would have killed anyone in the dose I was giving it.

When I got on shift, my patient needed pain meds for a Femur surgery he had 3 days prior.  He was taking Percocet (aka Oxycodone with a bit of tylenol...aka Hillbilly heroin).  The nurse gave me the info in report that she had given 2 percocets at 500pm (my shift started at 7)  I was busy at the start of shift, I took my time and looked over the medication lists for all my patients and started my assessments.  I did my eval on the patient who needed pain meds and went to get his meds.  I pulled up the medication which he could have up to 2 pills evey 6 hours.  I  got the 2 pills and gave the patient the medications at 830 pm.   When I went to mark the medications off the list and verify that I had given them on the computer charting, it gave me a notification that the medications had all ready been pulled.   The previous nurse had not signed the order, which in return allowed me to give him the med again  :(

Basically the guy was double dosed.  Good news, he was huge, and that medication is often given to chronic pain patients every 3 hours.  Outcome? : patient slept like a rock, snoring like a champ...might I add Pain Free, all night long....and I learned to double check every thing, and then check again.

The living room is coming along nicely.  Walls are painted a Ginger Yellow, 1 set of white curtains hung, but still need hemmed.  One more set of curtains need pinned and hung then hemmed....then new furniture.  

We got a loan for the roof and the bathroom.  I have sent the check for the roof, so that is first.

I have fallen behind in my cash savings which freaks me out, but this next pay check (my first as a fulltime night RN) should help.

I was inspired by a couple of friends of facebook to start my running training again.

so 5k 4 days a week is on my list.

Anyone else want to train?

I did what I am now calling P35.5x 9  because I don't have time for 90 minutes of workouts.

It's official

I passed my RN boards. I am an official RN. To some this seems trivial, to me...I am so glad it's over and I can start this new facet of my life. A great load has been lifted. I can breathe...I can sew, I can knit..I can definitely burn my books...

My NCLEX had 233 questions. that is a ton. I honestly thought I failed. Everyone does. My results state otherwise, I pass!!! Now I can turn my attention to get back on track, and starting to learn more about nursing. Figure out where I will lead my dream. Hopefully to a 3rd world country :)

now I am off to sew a little project...anyone have a little tiny project for me? I am going to surf the sewing blogs so that I can try out my new machine.