Everybody is a Nurse day #5 of the 21 day countdown

the first day....well...

it as a day...

a hell of a day

I guess we all know that you never quite understand something until you see it first hand or you experience it.

After 9 hours of bullshit orientation...standard nurse stuff such as paperwork , pictures, and HIPPA...we were taken to tour the floors.  

When we first arrived in NYC, they asked us our specialties. I had no reason to lie (although I heard that some people did so that they could get into different areas) so I just said PPU/post Cath, groin management, Telemetry and anything under...Because that is what I can do and sometimes , in my opinion....I'm not even that good at those.  

Upon being hired they were very clear we could end up on any department, any specialty, and we needed to verify that it was understood.  Well.... I understood,...What I didn't understand was the lack of resources, the real lack of any training, or help, and the severity of the illness.  

I want to say that these hospitals have great nurses and doctors, but you can only imagine coming to work day after day, your co-workers are falling ill, or not showing up and the new influx of Covid patients have literally taken over the hospital.

These hospitals are 100% Covid + patients.

I don't know where the normal sick/stroke/heart attack/ 

patients go now...but these hospitals we are sent to are 100% covid hospitals...

even Mom and baby floor.

We were all grouped together and the team lead looked around and said,"what do you do...?"

I said ,"Tele and PPU/groin management stuff"

she smiled and said 

"Great...ICU nurse....let's go"

and she took me to a wonderfully perfect older African American woman straight from Atlanta and dropped me in her lap.

"Show her the ropes, she's on her own tomorrow'

I had heard that this is what happens, but I just couldn't believe it.

The lady smiled and said "how are you with vents and Dialysis?"

The tears welled up, I kept it together and said...

"I have no idea, I have never done either, but I'll follow you and if you just explain stuff I may be of some help?"

"Well gown up little mamma and lets get to gettin"

In Covid rooms we must don and doff every single time you enter or exit and it is not only a pain in the ass it makes you so paranoid you can't think straight.

Is my gown on, oh shit is that a tear....I'm gonna get sick!

Every single time....

so if you get in the room and need a pen...you must follow the steps again....and you just can't rush it.

For 4 hours I did my best to watch her do dialysis (CRRT) run the ventilation, and make sure the medicines were all what he needed...she did all with a semi smile in her eyes and explained everything I asked....

she was so helpful...

I thanked her profusely as I left and thought....

there is no way I can do this   they cannot put me in there

I will kill a patient....

I cried all the way home...

called all my icu nurse people

I cried myself to sleep,

prayed I would not end up there again....

got up the next morning....

and guess where I ended up?

Not the beach...

the ICU....

this time on my own.

And here is what I learned from a most fabulous Hospitalist, Dr. Anderson,...

It's ok...

scenario:

Me sweating bullets trying to suction the covid outta this intubated patients nose and mouth....Yall have no idea how much I hate snot and phlegm....covid snot is yellow green, so thick it looks like bubble gum, and comes from their mouth and nose...even though there is a tube in there.

so thick you can hardly move it.

As I struggled the Dr looked over and asked how I was...I laughed like the joker....

she said"you an ICU nurse?" I said , "do I look like a damn ICU nurse??"

She smiled and said, "guess what?....Everyone is an ICU nurse now!  promotion"

Then this:

"no seriously, we are all so grateful you all came to help, every thing you do is going to help every person in this hospital.  you will not hurt this patient....actually nothing you could do either way could make this patient worse.  

You are amazing..."

***Nothing you can do can make this worse....this is the worst."***

Every person in this hospital is covid_19 +, even the babies.

I'm not sure what the exact % is that dies, but I believe it is most ,

its real

I'm tired

m

NYC and The Beast. (covid)

Packed and ready is a term I will use very lightly. As I packed and repacked, I said silent thank you to all the people who love to jump to the rescue.

I am speaking of my online family …

When I put the word out of what I needed, they were ridiculously bountiful.

It made me cry and laugh and I had to turn some stuff down.

Giving when someone you actually know needs something is different than when you hand over something to the Red Cross ( but keep doing that too).

Handing over to someone close to you gives you a sense of being able to help without the risk…

And I like that.

I received the scrubs I so desperately needed in the correct color and size…I have over 7 sets so I can not have to worry about washing them every day.

In each little gift I seemed to receive little bottles of liquor, which made me laugh ( y’all know me so well).

I received a handmade travel cup with my name and the Wonder Woman symbol so that I can drink said little liquors.

People stepped up to bring me PPE and N95….

Lots of kudos and love…

And above all 

Good vibes….

Maybe that was some of the best.

I am by no means a hero…I am a nurse….

Lately I have been lost and looking for a reason to have faith and a reason for not really getting up in the morning, but to keep a spark in my heart.

A friend said , “you may like to do travel nursing”

But I’m not super hip on changing my job and being away from my safe spot.

Then Covid….

Then hours cut…

Then surgery center shut…

Then furloughed…

And there I am. Sitting, 

an essential employee in any other situation

And unable to help.

Then a friend called and said I took a job….

NYC Covid relief

BUT

"Its 21 days straight, you don’t know anything until that day….

Call this number at 1 pm and keep trying …they take 400 nurses so just keep calling.”

When I dialed I said , “if I get through….It is meant to be…If not…thank goodness”

I got through in the first hour….was hired on the spot and asked if I could leave in 2 days.

It was so fast I had no time to think…and said yes.

Finished the few menial questions, hung up, and then freaked out.

Early that week I has done an online Full Throttle yoga class and the discussion of hope was to have “faith in yourself.”

Faith…in myself?

What an interesting thought and one in which I just really have a hard time with.  I know I am strong and able, but when it comes to faith, it waivers.  

So, as I am sitting on a plane with 9 other passengers, flying to what we call ground zero, in the middle of a pandemic, I am asking myself to have faith….and also to please help me not touch my face.

21 days straight starting tomorrow.

I’m not sure Ive ever done any work for 21 days straight….shit I’ve never done anything for 21 days straight….

I guess I will see how deep my strength, faith, meditation, and kindness can run.

I’m not alone….

I know that….let’s just hope my ability to connect is on it’s game for the next few weeks .

leaving Denver

 8 people on my SW flight. 

 So wish this was a fun trip...

look at tiny Lady Liberty

Pretty darn cool!

Write ya later

M