Showing posts with label m not scared. Show all posts
Showing posts with label m not scared. Show all posts

Sunday, August 22, 2021

Leah.....Infinity and beyond


Arriving on Friday afternoon was like walking into the past.  Landing in my home town, in which I escaped from so many years ago, held a feeling I didn't realize I had in me.  
Home....Old home....history home
I drove the Miracle Strip to my destination 
not really worrying about time or distance, and you know what ? 
I arrived...
no stress.
That was the last part of my 
"stress"
Well, honestly it wasn't stress it was something I am unable to describe....
but it was something.

I'm just going to type what I feel.
Not sugar coat anything for anyone 
because, honestly, this is for my heart and a way to sort out feelings

 
We sat and reminisced , and really did whatever she felt well enough to do.
Would it have been easier if she was literally on her last day?   maybe for me.
but I was thankful for this time.
We ate...
and I welcomed that.



She had a rough night....and that made my heart break.

As we talked we discussed life and death and the untimely way it shows up.
She told me she wasn't scared to die anymore.
She had a dream
She dreamt (or not) that she was above her body, she said,
 " I was looking down on my body and I wasn't scared. Not at all.  I was fascinated....my body was like transparent and I could see every vein in my body...it was glowing the most beautiful blue.  Myssi, I wasn't scared. But what did amaze me was that I could feel warmth and comfort.  I realized we have one life and we need to love and be the best we can. My body looked so amazing under me...
then as I was looking around, there was a warmth and I swooped back down into my body in the bed.
Thats when it was weird because I wasn't sure if I was actually dead or alive. I knew I needed some water, so I slowly got up and walked to the bathroom to get a sip.  I still felt weird so I still wasn't sure what was real or not.  the retrieval of water went well in the bathroom so I thought , what the hell, I'm hungry so Im heading to the kitchen for watermelon.  By my 5th bite of watermelon I knew I was alive....but what I saw and felt was very real."
"but I'm not scared"

Well, I'm scared.
The reality that we are no longer young and invincible. 
We are older and we may not have long to live.
Friends are passing and there is really nothing we can do.

I text her every day.
I look to see if she has turned on her phone.
The past 3 days she turns on her phone and sends this :



I'm guessing this may be the last bit of conversation I have with her.
It has been 22 hours with no check in.

E
I
E
A


love you,
m



 

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

NYC and The Beast. (covid)

Packed and ready is a term I will use very lightly. As I packed and repacked, I said silent thank you to all the people who love to jump to the rescue.
I am speaking of my online family …
When I put the word out of what I needed, they were ridiculously bountiful.
It made me cry and laugh and I had to turn some stuff down.
Giving when someone you actually know needs something is different than when you hand over something to the Red Cross ( but keep doing that too).
Handing over to someone close to you gives you a sense of being able to help without the risk…
And I like that.
I received the scrubs I so desperately needed in the correct color and size…I have over 7 sets so I can not have to worry about washing them every day.
In each little gift I seemed to receive little bottles of liquor, which made me laugh ( y’all know me so well).
I received a handmade travel cup with my name and the Wonder Woman symbol so that I can drink said little liquors.
People stepped up to bring me PPE and N95….
Lots of kudos and love…
And above all 
Good vibes….
Maybe that was some of the best.
I am by no means a hero…I am a nurse….
Lately I have been lost and looking for a reason to have faith and a reason for not really getting up in the morning, but to keep a spark in my heart.
A friend said , “you may like to do travel nursing”
But I’m not super hip on changing my job and being away from my safe spot.
Then Covid….
Then hours cut…
Then surgery center shut…
Then furloughed…
And there I am. Sitting, 
an essential employee in any other situation
And unable to help.
Then a friend called and said I took a job….
NYC Covid relief
BUT
"Its 21 days straight, you don’t know anything until that day….
Call this number at 1 pm and keep trying …they take 400 nurses so just keep calling.”

When I dialed I said , “if I get through….It is meant to be…If not…thank goodness”
I got through in the first hour….was hired on the spot and asked if I could leave in 2 days.
It was so fast I had no time to think…and said yes.
Finished the few menial questions, hung up, and then freaked out.

Early that week I has done an online Full Throttle yoga class and the discussion of hope was to have “faith in yourself.”
Faith…in myself?
What an interesting thought and one in which I just really have a hard time with.  I know I am strong and able, but when it comes to faith, it waivers.  
So, as I am sitting on a plane with 9 other passengers, flying to what we call ground zero, in the middle of a pandemic, I am asking myself to have faith….and also to please help me not touch my face.
21 days straight starting tomorrow.
I’m not sure Ive ever done any work for 21 days straight….shit I’ve never done anything for 21 days straight….
I guess I will see how deep my strength, faith, meditation, and kindness can run.
I’m not alone….
I know that….let’s just hope my ability to connect is on it’s game for the next few weeks .
leaving Denver

 8 people on my SW flight. 

 So wish this was a fun trip...
look at tiny Lady Liberty
Pretty darn cool!


Write ya later
M

Friday, May 3, 2019

New Job....what could possibly go wrong?

Week 2.5 at the new job and today was what I consider a cluster.
Not the happy kind of cluster,
 like a yummy cluster of grapes,
 more like a conspiracy of lemurs or a cluster of angry bees.
To say the least, it was not pretty.  Not pretty at all.
New job:
Circulating RN in surgery for eyeballs.
Yeah, you got it...who the hell decides they want to be a nurse for eyeball doctors?
Well, I'll tell you who....the person who thinks, "sure, why not...? It's always good to try something new, learn a little, make more money...how hard can it be?"
Yeah
how hard could it be....?
I'm gonna say it is about as hard as trying to get out of a too tight sports bra after a 5 mile hot and sweaty run....
very hard....not graceful and a bit comical.
Good thing my skin is thick and I can fret and freak yet know that I can say ,"fuck it"... I don't know what I am doing and they can suck it.... period

and no one died....it's eyeballs, not brains or hearts....
EYEBALLS.

oh and no one went blind.
Typical of any job, they apparently feel that 2 weeks training is sufficient. Which I think is probably a good standard for pulling weeds or cleaning cat boxes, but sterile field?  Sheesh, I can barely get my thong underwear on in the correct direction,
 so maintaining sterile field with 10 people counting on you needs more than 2 weeks. 
One surgeon said to me....
"you ARE a nurse...you must have learned this at one point."
Well, yeah....and you are a doctor, you must have learned how to slam an IV into a neck vein in a hurry at some point too, but I'm guessing if I asked you to do it now it would be difficult...
But after all you are a Doctor.
butthole

With that said,
I am basically on my own on Monday, with one week training in the Operating Room....but, don't fear, I'm not doing the surgeries....so that is a plus....
but I am mixing all the medications and making sure all runs smooth.


Lord, 
My hair is going to fall out 
but just as in everything else...
this shit isn't going to conquer my ass
What do they say now?

"Not today, Death"

I got this,
at least I think I do.


write ya later,


That is if I'm not crying in the bathroom at work




Saturday, February 16, 2019

Pheromones ? ADD ? and Hot Tubs


2/14/19

MCA Denver Winter Opening (outside)


As I walked around the MCA I felt quite nice. It did not hurt that the UBER driver announced he wished he could walk us right up to the door because we looked gorgeous .
My vintage dress was staying put, not ripping or falling off and my heels were comfy( nothing makes for a worse night than uncomfortable shoes, no matter how great they look), and my huge 1940s wool and fur white cloak was show stopping (even missing a button).

We walked in and the first thing I noticed, was that a few men ,stepped to the side and did the arm wave and guided us into the building, smiling and with a little look. 
I thought, "odd". but it was nice. A beautiful 20 something girl stepped out of the elevator and came right up to me and said, "You look beautiful...your hair is amazing and that dress., saw you from up there !..that dress is perfect" ....
Hmmm feeling quite good...but I really just want to have a glass of beer , because you know...that's what fancy people do, and see the art.
We found our way from the photo booth to the bar then onward to the main gallery.
All I could think was 

1. I love this art and all of this
2. This is where every cool person should be with their Valentine.
3. YEAH  this is pretty fun

We looped around and the amount of well dressed pretty people was impressive, but honestly, I was not paying a whole lot of attention. I was concentrating on not spilling my beer and getting a little closer to the paintings I wanted to really see.
As I was shimmying between people to get up front to the one  special piece, I felt a touch on my back.
I didn't jump, or turn around to punch, because I was holding my beer and as stated I was trying not to spill, plus it was actually more of a slide across my back, very gently.
gave me a bit of a chill
I glanced around and a very good looking man was back a little bit and he smiled and nodded. 
I tried not to look confused and do the point and "me?" thing so I just smiled and nodded back and turned around.  I felt a little confused but then realized what someone had said to me recently. 
Let people acknowledge you. 

I wandered from piece to piece then found A, so that we could go get another cocktail ( and she wanted some pictures of herself by a few of the pieces of artwork because she was looking like a piece of art also)
Found the drink line and stood behind some adorable young ladies who were on date and so cute.  Gently touching each other and smiling, with a few giggles....so I leaned forward and said, "y'all look perfect tonight." and they smiled, giggled ....and we laughed about the drinks and the drink line. They really did look perfect and summed up what I would imagine was the perfect date night.
As I was waiting for A, I saw across the way the tall man, actually I kind of felt him before I saw him. 
He was just watching me. 
I couldn't figure out who he was with because he was with a group of beautiful women and men who were quite loud and moving from place to place without really looking at anything.
I turned to get my drink and pay, and when I turned back around he was behind me a few back in the line. He never spoke to me, he winked and gave a little smile again, raised his empty drink cup and gave a little shrug. 
Interesting, I don't think he was blind, or drunk, so he actually was checking me out.
I did not stay to see what would happen because I wanted to get to the other sections and I knew A wanted to get up to the dance party.
It felt nice, and if I had been there by myself I probably would have pursued that a bit more, except I still wasn't sure if he was there with anyone, because it was Valentine's Day. But I'll tell you what, that little hand slide across the back was a ballsy, and pretty hot.

A and I had a great night , there were many compliments from young women to A and me on our looks. And to think A was worried she was overdressed....I said there is no such thing. 
We danced and laughed, got A's pictures she wanted for Match (haha) and made it to the second Uber, where once again , the driver was quite charming.
( I would like to point out, A got one of their phone numbers and is going out Sunday)
Would I have like to have been there with a lover or someone who enjoyed my company?(  besides A, I love going out with her...but you know what I mean)
Of course...it would have been awesome...But art gallery openings aren't for everyone, and getting dressed up is not for everyone, but I think , yes it would have been quite sexy and amazing.
My night and interactions with people were perfect.
I was there to drink the beer and see the art...and be dressed up, 
check check and check


I did look nice.  

Is this what they would consider Pheromones working?
It might be .
Or is it just not caring? Letting go and being open.

It's interesting how my attitude is a bit different the past few weeks. You know, since my attitude adjustment.  I'm present but semi calm and open. 
Things have felt a bit different and it is a bit weird.

Besides the Gala,
 I went out with my neighbor to the local pub ;we had the same thing happen.
My friend is actually more of a chatter than I am and we were drinking Vodka Tonics at the bar, yapping about life and vacations, and I kept announcing to her " I have to be up at 4am...no more, plus you have to work too"
We weren't paying attention to much around us because we go there all the time and were much too busy gossiping and laughing. I looked like shit, but because it was my local I didn't care....It's Longmont, I had actually just thrown clothes on over my PJs. and put a hat on.
after D, had ordered about her 75th V/T  I said "That's it Young Lady I'm Paying and driving your drunk ass home!" As she was professing her love for me I glanced around and the 2 men sitting next to us were laughing.
The man directly to my right, called the bartender over... and held up his card and said, " I'm buying theirs and get them one more round, except she might want water ( he whispered ) pointing to me"
I laughed and said "No way mister, you can't pay for this, she just drank the Caspian Sea in Titos Vodka and ate dinner...too much, we got it...we are good, but thank you"
He looked at the bartender shook his head and handed over his fancy metal credit card and waved his hand for that extra round.
"Really, thank you"
He laughed and kept watching the game on the TV.
I announced to D, he paid for our bill and she said, " really? That's great !woop woop", then started to try to have a conversation with him
It was comical.
We talked about vacations and travel, and D was telling him about her trip she was heading out on to Mexico.
He was a bit older, maybe early to mid 50s and funny. 
He said he traveled a lot, had a private plane and a handler.  
"A HANDLER? WTF?" I was laughing so hard.
He nonchalantly said he had to travel for work all the time and because of his ADD he just can't get to where he needs to be correctly. He has often ended up in the airport bathroom panicking.

I could tell he was listening to D talk, but he was looking at me with everything he said.
I asked him what he does when he gets to where he is going.?
He said the handler is there and arranges the limos, food etc so he just shows up to where he needs to be and tries not to panic.
wow.
He asked about my travel.
We talked and as D was talking over us...
he leaned over and said ," can I give you my phone number,  or card? " 
I smiled and said I am currently with someone, and I am so flattered...
Jokingly I said, "Besides, I like to travel and you are not a good traveler"
He said "well you might not always be with someone and I would like you to take my number...or if you want to take a ride on a private plane, I live around the corner....also, I am a good traveler, if I have a handler"
he handed me his card 
I looked at it for a second, smiled and put it in my pocket....I patted him on the knee and said thank you again for the dinner  and drinks..."I have to get her home....she is demanding Hot Tub."
I looked at the card the next day and smiled.  
President of some international shipping company and consultant....
(with severe ADD which was not on the card but should have been)

I'm just going about my days, doing what I need to do to be a better me without someone stifling me and in return maybe I might be throwing off some pheromones.
maybe...
now is not the time
hahaha 
I have too much on my plate.
but I'm open to whatever comes my way as I work out this situation 

write ya later,
watch out for Pheromones
xo,
m








Friday, November 15, 2013

OCD.... i have anxiety.

I'm having anxiety.
I wake up in a freaked out state.
I'm counting.
shit
It started when one of the girls at work said we should all go back to school.
Immediately I stressed.  We?  I started feeling that feeling of being behind.  I am behind.  I am behind in life, i am behind in everything.
Then the kids.
Am I reflecting my "behindness" on them?
Of course I am.
I am stressed they will fail....
Because I am failing.
Bigger stress...Not sure what I am failing.
SEEEEEE?


I paid the bills.
I vacuumed.
I worked out....then I realized I have not RUN
I have not run in a month?
What if I can't run anymore?
of course I can run...right?

knitting.  i cant knit because I can't finish anything.
Last night I cooked the worst dinner in my life.
I have anxiety.

fuck

later
m

Monday, January 18, 2010

4.5 months to go

I only have a few minutes before I have to head back to work for a telemetry class (look it up)...but I want to say how I am sooooo not looking forward to school starting back tomorrow. Although I only have 4.5 months left and I will be an RN...I can barely stand the thought of listening to the drone of the teacher (no offense teachers). I am attempting to stay focused and not think about anything further than next week. It is way too overwhelming. As with all changes comes stress and the wonderment of what we will do upon graduation. Nursing is a job which gives you basic skills then you move on from there with experience and learning of the skills. You pick your own path from there. My path is very undecided...it's just a path...a very unknown path. I'm pretty sure I will take the path less traveled in my mind, but the ever looming thought of having days off,income where I can choose any type of toilet paper at the store and not ponder the cost, and time to spend with the family is frightening. Tomorrow starts the last bit of this frontier. I will let you know how it goes as it goes along.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

360 days of my life #9

I figured today was the day to start... No better way than just throwing it out there...no makeup,no nothing...obviously no fake tan.
I need to learn to smile, but self photography takes practice...hopefully in a few months those arms will be like Madonnas...whatever, I'm healthy.

360 days of my life, originally uploaded by v8grrl.