Boobs and Feet, Boobs and Feet

 

Boobs and feet ....weird topic but one occupying my mind lately.

10 years ago this month I had my right breast cleared of breast cancer via surgery.

Just one boob...no biggie...Was told I should take Chemo, but with some counseling we decided maybe it wasn't the best for me right then.  I had small kids and needed to work full time...I didn't have the time to be sick or tired, I had enough of that with my life in general back then. hahahaha

The statement from my then Oncologist , who has since retired, 

"Its not if...it's when ...10 years, most likely"

Those damn old man doctors, full of non documentable information.

Shit the Journal of American Medicine could never prove.

They know...

So, this morning a nice MRI for my foot which has been the bain of my extra curricular life for about 2 years now and getting progressively worse.  

Luckily, as I lie there in the MRI tube listening to the bings and bongs and the occasional tech giving me the countdown of time 

"good job, Melissa , we have about 3 more sets of 7 minute picture rounds"

why didn't he just say we have 21 minutes left? Does the way he stated it sound easier?

maybe.

The MRI didn't bother me. They gave me headphones and I listened to Jason Isbell and thought about warm weather and my list of chores I needed to complete....

and the fact I had another telehealth call at 11 that I better be done with.

We were done in time and the results were in my chart before I got home.

pretty pretty good

Small tear on some Achilles Ligament and something else which I really should know because I'm a nurse,

but I don't.

but I do know it was nothing horrible and I'm betting for the cash money the Sports Medicine guy is charging , it will be fixed with a boot and rest for 8 weeks

and it's not plantar fasciitis...which is good.

that's hard to fix , really hard.

Made it home in time for my telehealth video. 

She started with the good news, not that any is really bad

No BRCa gene, which means I am clear from that, and so is Olive and Ilin.

But then.... outta no where she says

" I'm going to schedule for a breast MRI and make sure you get your yearly mammogram. You will be doing every other one each 6 months ongoing from here on out. Your cancer risk is 37.3% which puts you in the high risk category.  So once we get those first rounds done we will schedule from the findings and anything we find we should be able to treat quickly, because thats the key with this type of history"

ok, lady.  i liked you, now I'm a little stressed and wish I was having a beer while doing this telehealth.

" let's make sure you get the ultra sound of your uterus as discussed last month when you were here.

Insurance should have no problems covering these because of the risk involved .....and when you come in we can discuss a referral for double masectomy; when you are ready"

what?

wait a minute, 

how did we go from no gene to boob removal?

yeah, no.  I'm not ready...i'm doing the math in my head and I still have 72% chance nothing will happen.

Are these things they just have to slide in there in the conversation? or does she know more than I do 

probably the latter even though I am a well educated RN, I kinda didn't do too well in the women's health part of school or clinicals.

Any way.  one thing at a time...  feet first... I want to be able to have some fun.

then boobs.  

I guess 

if anyone has any insight let me know.

They are just boobs...

but honestly i can't imagine using my PTO for boobs in stead of beach vacation.

xo, 

m

the first time of diagnosis

for your reading pleasure

Leah.....Infinity and beyond

Arriving on Friday afternoon was like walking into the past.  Landing in my home town, in which I escaped from so many years ago, held a feeling I didn't realize I had in me.  

Home....Old home....history home

I drove the Miracle Strip to my destination 

not really worrying about time or distance, and you know what ? 

I arrived...

no stress.

That was the last part of my 

"stress"

Well, honestly it wasn't stress it was something I am unable to describe....

but it was something.

I'm just going to type what I feel.

Not sugar coat anything for anyone 

because, honestly, this is for my heart and a way to sort out feelings

 

We sat and reminisced , and really did whatever she felt well enough to do.

Would it have been easier if she was literally on her last day?   maybe for me.

but I was thankful for this time.

We ate...

and I welcomed that.

She had a rough night....and that made my heart break.

As we talked we discussed life and death and the untimely way it shows up.

She told me she wasn't scared to die anymore.

She had a dream

She dreamt (or not) that she was above her body, she said,

 " I was looking down on my body and I wasn't scared. Not at all.  I was fascinated....my body was like transparent and I could see every vein in my body...it was glowing the most beautiful blue.  Myssi, I wasn't scared. But what did amaze me was that I could feel warmth and comfort.  I realized we have one life and we need to love and be the best we can. My body looked so amazing under me...

then as I was looking around, there was a warmth and I swooped back down into my body in the bed.

Thats when it was weird because I wasn't sure if I was actually dead or alive. I knew I needed some water, so I slowly got up and walked to the bathroom to get a sip.  I still felt weird so I still wasn't sure what was real or not.  the retrieval of water went well in the bathroom so I thought , what the hell, I'm hungry so Im heading to the kitchen for watermelon.  By my 5th bite of watermelon I knew I was alive....but what I saw and felt was very real."

"but I'm not scared"

Well, I'm scared.

The reality that we are no longer young and invincible. 

We are older and we may not have long to live.

Friends are passing and there is really nothing we can do.

I text her every day.

I look to see if she has turned on her phone.

The past 3 days she turns on her phone and sends this :

I'm guessing this may be the last bit of conversation I have with her.

It has been 22 hours with no check in.

E

I

E

A

love you,

m

 

My Life in Black. Mortality

 Today I took a few moments to do some true self care and time to think.

I choose not to go to the gym. 

I chose not to run...

I chose not to stress...

What I did choose was:

Coffee

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

and

DIY pedicure and nails

and contemplation.

Mortality

in the next week I seriously will have to deal with life in my face again

I can only think that the spirits that be ,want me to

UNDERSTAND

what Death means....

what Life means....

what Love means....

Death, Suicide, NY, Depression, Divorce, and

Mortality.

In the next week I will be writing as much as my mind and Psyche allows.

I am heading to my home town to sit in wait, 

hopefully with humor, grace and mostly love,

with my childhood bestie as she dies.

I will be as strong as I can for her and we know at this point it is harder for us than her...

She has promised to try to make it til Friday, when I arrive....

 and I believe her, because she has never lied to me before and she is a doer.

I have 2 nights to lay in her bed ( the bed her gramma died in),

bathe her, rub her back, Paint her nails, pull her chin hairs,

have a cocktail if tolerated, and laugh about the entire idiocy of life itself.

In my mind I am so sorry and sad, yet grateful this is quick for her.

I am trying not to think of what this really is quietly doing to me on the inside.

why am I called to these situations over and over 

there must be a reason?

right?

What the Fuck Chapter are We On?

He was yelling in pain...but I think it was mostly fear.
He had all ready told me how nervous he was.
How much anxiety he had....
and I said, "it's a fast procedure, I'm gonna be standing there with you in the room....Don't worry, we will take good care of you"

Fact: eye surgery is scary as fuck for people.
It causes anxiety
It is not usually painful, at all....
but it IS scary....because you are usually awake

As the Dr started the procedure he yelled and screamed, a grown man....I rolled my eyes.
We explained we were giving more medication....
he whimpered and yelled out.
The Surgeon finally said, " we can't go on if you keep doing this....it's microsurgery and if you move it can be really serious."
He cussed at her.
As the nurse in this operating room, I chart and manage the patient the best I can....it usually involves a bit of silly banter as I clean their face for sterile field...and sometimes a reminder that they can't move....you know, because the surgeon has little tiny tools in the patient's eyeball and one wiggle is like an earthquake....so you do the math.

This guy would not hold still. ... I finally left my area and walked around the bed and said , "Dave, it's Myssi, the nurse who washed your face....I know you can't see me but do you hear me?"
Yes...
I walked to the side of the bed....I reached under the blankets and I found his big old biker hand, which was clenched into a fist ripping the blankets from the bed....
The surgeon continued to try to work, but with all the movement, she was mostly yelling along with the patient....
I put my hand on his hand and wiggled my fingers into his big paw, and didn't say a word.  I just squeezed his hand and gently let him take a minute to know I was holding his hand....I gave it a big squeeze, he squeezed back and I looked at the surgeon and gave a nod.   "Dave, breathe for me....nice and slow and just breathe". his hand loosened around mine a bit, and he started to slowly exhale...." don't hold your breath....I'm right here like I said....and I'm gonna breathe with you....and we are going to get that eye fixed"
We finished the surgery.  Dave squeezing the the heck out of my hand.
After it was all over, and we were cleaning the room...the surgeon came up to me and laughed....
"you are really good at what you do...sometimes ,we (doctors) ,overthink things."
I said, "Sometimes it's not medicine we need ....it's just a simple thing like holding a hand and letting them know they aren't alone ....all the years in school, they didn't teach you that? come on....I could have saved ya some money :) "
"yeah, well thanks....I think that is why we have nurses."

The point of this post....
We all need a hand to hold and squeeze at some point.
Right now, my life is changing...I'm questioning everything, but along with this I have things I need to take care of.
I have a doctors appointment which has taken up much of my thoughts.

I have been clearing room, as I have tried to explain to a few people.

Am I making mistakes by pushing them away? I'm not sure. The burden is real. Just as I told someone tonight:
My story is all ready written,
I really just need to know what chapter I am on before I move in any direction.
Are we in the start of the second chapter? or is this the finale?
let me get the cliff notes so that I can figure this out.
Let me move slow to make sure there is a clean place for everything new that is coming at me.
so that I'm not piling it onto the same dirty area...
and man, I have made some dirty areas lately.
I'm listening...
I am here,
I hear you....
can you find my hand in the dark?

xo,
write ya later,
m


ps.  I hope this is Part 2....

Bleeding to death...almost

It's like Dexter all up in here....

I have literally been bleeding for 3.5 weeks now. 

I'm gonna be honest, I am not sure how any living creature can bleed this much and still live.

I can attest to the fact that I don't feel great.

I am going to say maybe it's my period's last hurrah,

so that I don't forget about all the. miserable times together.

I should have invested in some tampon company, or at least toilet paper.

I'm exhausted.

I am also going to guess that it could be something else,

because I haven't felt great for a while.

but I'm a bit too scared to go get it checked.

As you may know I had a boob scare a few years ago and had part removed...

but also decided not to take the chemo.

so...

at that point the dr said, we will keep an eye on everything.

I'm hoping it has not reappeared in the boob's second favorite spot to send cancer cells...

the uterus.

I'm gonna say it's menopause ....yep, that is what I am going with.

on top of bleeding my entire relaxing getaway, I also ate some luscious fruit and found out in a quite sucky way that being allergic to latex also means you are often allergic to many of the yummy tropical fruits and apparently lobster and shrimp (which I kind of all ready knew).

I had a bite of lobster, some unidentifiable yummy fruit, bananas and plantains

and my mouth developed a crop of sores, swelling and yuck.

( about the same as when I had latex rubber bands on my braces)

It's gross and it hurts.

I hope this is just an ugly phase I'm going through, because I don't have enough energy due to blood loss to workout or run, I can't eat anything good right now because of my mouth....

and after I work all day I am so tired I cannot even bring myself to do a damn thing, except get in the bed.

send me some good vibes...

I'm tired of this 

I want to go have fun and feel perky again.

I want to stop looking at my bed like it is my second home.

(as I type this from my bed)

any suggestions?

write ya later,

xo

m

don't be a boob

It is coming up to my 5 years, post atypical cell growth in my right booby. 

Cancer.  

I'm not to worry because they said it was clean margins when they removed a 2"x 4" part of my tit.

So, why do I worry?

Because I'm a nurse and I deal with cancer diagnosis' every day.  What I do know is that cancer is never cured, you are never a winner. if you live long enough it comes back.  Maybe not in my boob....but probably somewhere else.

When I went through all this, I did it pretty much alone.  I did not want to worry my family. To this day, my kids still don't know. I waited until the surgery to tell my other half.  Post surgery I was to start chemo and do mammograms every 6 months.  I did a bit of soul searching and with talking to my oncologists,  opted to not continue treatment.  The answer was that it is a 75% chance that it will return within 5-10 years with no treatment.  Because it was a clean catch and not ductal or lymph nodes I chose to not participate.  It's been fine. 

5 years is January.

 ( after the surgery .... this was called a breast saving mastectomy....they take a big scoop out and leave everything else.  Mine was not ductal , I was lucky)

This past few months I have noticed a lump in 

the same breast.  But not too big.  I have lumpy boobs anyways so I am not going to stress until the new year when it is time for my mammogram.  

For people who aren't aware ....here is what you can look for in breast changes

No need to worry....

But I do worry.  I have some underlying bone pain in weird places, I have lost a bit of weight and I have a weird feeling.  (yes a weird feeling).

I will make an appointment with the dermatologist, pretty sure I need some business on my pasty skin corrected too. 

5 years.  

I'm going to just go with it.  I guess the best advice is to cross that bridge when I get there.  I'm not sure I can walk across that bridge alone this time.   

I'll just hope for no bridge....zip.... 

clear my mind....

don't worry

my boobs are real....but this is funny

write ya later, 

m

boob is free and clear....for now

I have been a bit absent due to the circumstances of breast illness and stress.  I would like to happily report that I was finally able to have my "breast sparing lumpectomy" on 4/30.  I was very nervous seeing how this was my very first surgery.  I had kept all this information to myself for a few months now and was emotionally ready to find out the answer. 

I arrived at the hospital at 7 am to prepare for the placement of the wire into my breast.  this is called a wire guided stereo mammogram.  The Dr. uses mammogram to place a wire into your breast up to the titanium chip which marks the cancerous area.  To me, it wasn't bad.  they give you some lidocaine and you drop your boob into a hole onto a table and they work from below.  I felt as long as I didn't think too much about it I was fine.  When he is done they take your for a soft mammogram (no such thing) to make sure the wire is in the right place then off to the pre-surgery area.    When I arrived into pre-surgery my blood pressure was up to the 150s ,which is unusual for me.  I was so scared.  As they started setting me up I just started blubbering like an idiot and the RNs stood there aghast.  " its ok..  its ok, we are going to take care of you.  You wont feel anything"  I knew all this but the emotion just poured out.  I was finally able to get my shit together and crack a few jokes and they felt it was safe enough to leave me in the tiny room to watch TV and relax.   

45 minutes later I had signed all consents, spoke to the surgeon and then the Anesthesiologist.  He was great, told me everything he was going to do and all was well in the world.  

Next thing I remember was him saying, " do you feel that?"  Feel what...?  the burning in my IV?   and he says , "yup. " with a big smile and I remember the oxygen mask coming towards me and hearing him laugh and  saying, " nighty night, Red".

I woke up an hour or so later in recovery.    I had no nausea, was thirsty, but no pain.   I sat around there for a while then was sent home.

I felt great.  no pain...no nausea....no pain.  they had placed a Scopolamine patch behind my ear for the nausea and it worked wonders.  

I was to leave everything in place and wear a big booby binder for 72 hours.

 day 3 i removed the binder.  not bad.

the lump they removed was about 2"x3" so my one breast was smaller and sitting up a little higher from the swelling and where she stitched me up.  I really couldn't complain.  the only stupid thing I did was remove the patch from behind my ear thinking I was fine and for 3 days I was unable to eat with my stomach rolling.  no puking...just uncomfortable.

 bandage

9 o'clock stitch from armpit to nipple.  could be worse.

Monday 5/5 :   I received my results after a long 6 days of waiting.  The Surgeon was able to remove the mass with no cancer left behind.  or what they call clean margins.   no other  cancerous cells found.  

I was so excited.  yet the strange thing was it hasn't eased my mind.  not sure if this is normal.  I woke up last night with chest pain and was afraid I was having a heart attack.  I'm sure it was anxiety, seeing as I am still alive this afternoon.   But I'm still a nervous wreck.

I go back for my checkup tomorrow.  

I am hoping I am not having a heart attack

and I am off work for another week or so, but with not much energy to do anything.

Alls good in boobsville for now

xo 

m

lets get this show on the road

Today I finally go for my consult with the breast specialist.   Unfortunately my last appointment was moving along at a great pace and I went to schedule my surgery only to find out the surgery center was not in "network".  I chose to change Dr.s and head to a more "in network" surgery so as to save costs.  Lord, should I really be penny pinching right now?   

So, today...the new consult.  Because I am an RN I know what they will say.   " this is no big deal...lets get you scheduled for the wire surgery and see what we are dealing with....please talk to the receptionist to schedule"   and I will leave the office just as confused as before.     I'm guessing the entire day will be a waste of time and I'm guessing they wont be able to schedule me quickly.  so i will be waiting again.   

Stupid

I filled out all the paperwork and printed off info for FMLA so that when it does happen I can take time off work with out repercussions from the higher ups.  

After my appointment I will be Easter Basket Junk Shopping.....after all it is my favorite holiday

The Chocolate Holiday

I cant believe this kid is smiling

write ya later

and hopefully these posts will be a little less Bummery soon

xo

m

bruised boobie...should have bought a lottery ticket

So, they did call Friday afternoon and said my Biopsy was benign!  woop wool...celebrate.
I celebrated the life of my boob all weekend as silly as that seems.

Happy day.
I could get on with my life.
Everything from the past month just sped right up in fast motion and I felt over whelmed with everything I had thrown to the side with my distress.

I gardened, I cleaned up the yard.  I cleaned the laundry room.  I cleaned the cabinets and actually bought groceries for the family.
Ready to take on life...planning my vacations and starting to work out again/

Went back to work on Monday without a care in the world.


I recieved a phone call at about 10 am Monday morning and my gynecologist left a vm stating she would like to go over my biopsy.  Ok....I all ready got the answer from my primary dr so I wanst too worried.
I went into the break room and gave her a call.

"your biopsy of the calcifications showed nothing to worry about right now.  you have fibrocystic breasts which are very common at your age (my age being 45).....however, the Radiologist called me this morning and said after reviewing the pathology,  the cells around your biopsy site were concerning.  they have Hyperplastic Cell Growth of the Lobules and we would like to refer you to a cancer breast surgeon specialist.  "

wtf?
really?

she goes on to say: "  of biopsies done, only 37% come back malignant ( i see a problem here), of all the biopsies, only 4% come back with hyperplastic cell growth( which I made it to the 4%)...of that 4% only 25% show cancer upon further exams....and within about 10 years about 90% of those 4% develop breast cancer and some point....so, we feel like you should get it examined further to be safe, you are young and have kids....in 10 years you will still be young"

Really?  Maybe I should have bought a l;ottery ticket too.

this is the side of my breast. they went in at the 9 oclock position and this is the hematoma 1 week later after biopsy one

so my decisions now is if I want to continue down this path?  Do I just let it be for a while and see what happens.  I know for a fact I will not get mammos every 3 months just to torture myself.  I also will not be getting biopsies over and over again.  Its a proven fact every time they stick that needle into something potentially cancerous and drag it through the healthy cells you are causing damage.
hmmmm

anyone out there have this experience?  I know there are people.  any Cancer RNs or doctors or radiologists who would like to just say what they have seen or experienced.

with that said I am going to run today.  I am going to do some squats and pull ups.  i have 3 months until summer....and like the dr said,   Im still young...

write ya later,
m

Thoughts from the reaper

Past few days....

Wow, I really haven't had enough sex....or sex with people I want to have sex with
Why do I always put off vacation?
I wish my backyard was fixed up nicer.
Maybe I should tell the kids now so that they will be nicer.
Should I go to Disney World?
Fuck workin out!
Let's hire a maid.
Is that pain anxiety or do I all ready have mets?
Please make sure people I know tell funny stories about me instead of sad morose shit.
damnit, my motorcycle isn't even finished and I haven't been to Sturgis.
Thank god I didn't go back to school this year.
I should just eat sweets from here on out.
I miss my mom.

These are the kind of things you think of while waiting for a diagnosis.
I think a lot about the sex part.   I think waiting is making me horny....or maybe it's all the
hormones....whatever the case.... I really should not have been such a prude my entire life

Well
I'll write ya later
Xo ,
M

Damn Boobs

I never win anything, but last week I did.  I won a call back for a second mammogram.
I know, I know...it eventually happens to everyone.  At least that is what I've been told.
They called me at work to tell me they found some Microcalcifications in my right boob, could I please schedule a follow appointment as soon as possible.

Uhmmmm
ok

so after a quick 20 minutes of googling I decided to make the appointment and not worry too much, after all...everyone eventually gets a call back.

I called a few people, whom I consider friends, and they all said the same thing, "Don't worry.  It's scary but I had to do the same thing and it was ok...Benign, nothing."

i took that info for what it was worth, continued to google my situation and decided to not fear the reaper until I had heard his tap.

Yesterday I calmly drove myself to the Woman's Center, followed the kind receptionists directions to clean under my armpits and breasts, put on the soft pink flannel robe, and head into the nice serene waiting room.  I sat there with 2 other woman who looked put out by their yearly mammogram.  All of us sitting in our pink robes with our tell tale signs of what we do for work peeking out.  The lady next to me with her nice slacks and expensive boots, next to her a set of scrub pants and clogs, and next to her, yoga pants and well manicured toenails.  All of us waiting to stroll into the next room.

"Myssi?"
Yeah, yeah...I'm ready.

The clean little room was familiar, seeing how I had just been here 1 week ago.  The radiologist tech asked me if I understood why I was here.
Yes, although I did not do too well in the cancer part of nursing school or radiology if you want to know so could you refresh me.

" They, meaning the Drs found a cluster of little calcifications on your breast.  they are tiny and grouped together like a constellation.  If they were big dots and even on both sides we wouldn't think anything, we would assume that is what your body does as it ages.  But since yours is grouped the way it is and we know it showed up within the last 4 years we want to get a magnified picture and look"

Ok.  Got it.
She was beyond kind as we smashed my boob every which way to Friday.  I chuckled as she grabbed my nipple and stretched my boob to it's limit and smashed to tissue paper thickness.  She smiled and said, "Well, I'm going to ask you not to get dressed and head back to the waiting area while I have the radiologist look at your slides"
I waited....
I waited 30 minutes...then 45 minutes...ladies came and went ...smiling....what about me?
shew...here she comes.
"Myssi?  The Dr wants to get one more view"
what?  my poor boob.  Ok  Back in.  this time she asks me to get on a table and throw my boob up onto a boob table and she smashes it from my armpit down.   Ouchie.  
"That should be good, lets have you go back out to the waiting area. "
wait , wait, wait....30 minutes more
"myssi?....I just want you to know that the radiologist wanted to call another dr for your slides.  Please don't worry, they just want to look them over together."

OK...don't worry...
The lady next to me, reading an old National Geographic, leaned over and said "First Callback?....Don't be too scared, remember it's only breast.  I'm on a callback too"

Another 30 minutes passed and the RN came out and waved me to the partition.   "Myssi, the Dr. would like you to come to his office so that we can talk to you.  We usually let people get dressed but he has the other Dr on the phone conferenced in, so let's just head over there now."  she smiles and puts her hand on my back.
Do I panic now?  No.  Be strong...it's just the office....nothing ever good happens when you get called to the office...ever.
The office was dark and tight, 5 big screens of my boobs were on the desk top monitor.  Wow...they look good lit up like that, nice shape....
"Have a seat.  Dr Booby, Myssi is here as is the RN I think we can talk now."
"So, your last mammo was about 4 years ago.  And just for the record you did nothing wrong by not having a yearly mammo.  There was no indication that you would have needed another.  Here is your last one up against your new ones."
I looked at them.  4 years ago.  smashed boob with lots of spider web looking colors, nothing spectacular....the new one....there it was.
"Myssi do you see this?  This is new, it is clearly something.  Right here is the older one, right here is the exact same spot on the new slides....see these little dots?"

"Fuck me" under my breath.

"We (the Doctors) have discussed this together so that we could give you the best advice.  Now most of the time, 85% of these are nothing.  We would just suggest a sit and wait for 6 months then get another mammogram and see if it changes.  But because of the shape and the time frame of us not knowing if this happened 6 months after your last mammogram or last year we suggest we don't delay any more treatment."  I sat in dumbfounded silence.  Smiling..."yes, ok...yup...that sounds reasonable"  "Our scheduling team is here today.  Joy, can you walk her over to scheduling and get her scheduled in?  Myssi, the biopsy may very likely show nothing.  It often does.  But we should make sure and get a definitive answer.  If it is cancer/precancerous cells we can start treatment quickly."  The Dr on the phone said " It would be our best advice for you right now, But please don't worry."
Ok...thank you Drs...thanks...
No tears or thoughts...i just told them thank you.
The Rn gently put her hand on my back and took me to the dressing rooms, " Let's get you dressed.  Take your time, you are my only patient today so I'll wait for you in the waiting area and we will get you scheduled.
I sat down on the pretty bench in the dressing room.  wow, really?  What happened to me having an early life heart attack?  How about that stroke I keep talking to my cholesterol levels about?  Really ?Breast Cancer?  That is stupid.  That was not on the table!
I got dressed and shook my head at the mess I was looking at in the mirror.  Ridiculous.
We scheduled the appointment for the biopsy. I was surprised how quickly they got me in.  literally in less than 4 days.  "We always keep a few slots open for callbacks"  Good, I guess...She handed me a pamphlet on breast cancer and biopsies and a phone number in case I needed to talk to someone...she handed me a list of things to do and not do before the procedure, and then looked me up and down and said , "you won't be able to workout for a week or so...or run, or lift...or whatever you do to stay fit.  We will see you next week."
That was it.  I said thank you, smiled and she took my arm and walked me from the office....like guiding a blind person.

the sun was blinding.
I sat in the car and looked at myself in the mirror.  wow...today was not the best day to give up drinking for Lent.

 haven't said anything.... I will wait for that Biopsy, which everyone online has assured me will be ok and it will show nothing.  But on the inside there is a bit of uneasiness.  A feeling of doom.

I put on my lipgloss, sunglasses, and drove myself to the brewery....where everyone knows my name :)   and had a beer and said nothing.


xo,
m