"I remember everything about you;
I was waiting all that time for you to love me"
~~~~~Rules of Magic
He has been the light at the end of my tunnel.
As with anything, I try not to be too pessimistic or optimistic, regardless of how much my heart and head disagree.
That damn tunnel is super long, so sometimes the light is dim, but it always seems to come back around when I need it.
In the past, this feeling has come and gone like summer breezes. Nothing to really think about or dwell on. Always some old friend in the background, checking in, checking status and inviting me just to get away and regroup. I keep them all at a good arm's length away. Always friendly and I do love them dearly, many I have known for years but to check out of here, and go there, would not do anyone any justice. I think they realize that. It does not keep the few that I have known for 20+ years from checking in....and asking. I do appreciate it. And maybe if situations were different right now I would accept.
I have never been one to reminisce about past or missed loves. I am more the person who looks towards the future and ones who have not yet crossed my path.
I believe because I have always been a guy's girl....I come back around as a missed opportunity for many men. I had an old High School friend send me a text not too long ago. He was a big jock, I was a punk rock skater girl, but we were always together in honors classes and had just gone to school together forever due to small town. Just as now, I was always pretty open minded to friends and didn't really mind if they were completely opposite of me. In my mind I was just me, and I knew most guys were never going to take interest in me. Red Hair , not the pretty kind, freckles, glasses, goofy and no makeup. I just bopped around, helping friends pick prom outfits and date clothes....and I stayed home and sometimes wished my "Ducky" (pretty in pink) would rescue me. Even the punk rock boys were not interested....I was a buddy, a cute little sister type buddy.
Anyways, this guy texted me and said, " you were always so great, just there laughing, smart and always so kind. At one point I wanted to ask you out but I thought you would say no, because I was a jock. And when you got nominated for Homecoming Queen as a joke, man you took that so great and played it up.....I actually hoped I made homecoming King, just so we could go out and have fun."
I thought , wow...35 years later....he is still thinking about that. that is sweet....and maybe odd. This guy is a lawyer now, quite wealthy and has an amazing life and family. But there I am, part of his history. **I did not make homecoming queen. They negated my entry, due to quote" I would not be a good representative of the high school" from the principal. I survived....but was not asked to homecoming. I ended up dressing as a German Boy on the German float because I was the only who fit into the lederhosen and did not have plans.
Story of my life.
Never went to prom, or any dance....was never asked.....in the 80's you did not take yourself.
So, when I love someone, I love hard. Probably too hard. Maybe that is what they remember. Even if I hate them after the split I still love them because they touched my soul....or else I would not have been with them. period.
I never was much of a dater. When I met someone I was attracted to, that was it.
Now, I am older. I am not really into games and pretending. I want people to say what they mean and not miss out. I am often guilty of saying exactly what I mean and feel, and maybe that is too much. But I think people need to know... to know that they are sexy, they are worthy, smart....wanted.
I am not sure it is so appreciated, still.
The games are still strong.
This friend, my friend, has touched my person. Did he come at a weird time, wrong time, or right time. I'm not sure....but he has been in my periphery for a few years now. I cannot speak for him or his feelings except for what he respectably says to me. He is guarded with me and I believe it is because I am not that girl to him. I have watched him from the sidelines date, be in relationships and break up with women....but he never really says anything to me. Occasionally, " now you don't need to know this stuff."
He is correct. I don't .
But I want to know him. He is guarded towards me and I'm not sure if he is that way with everyone or it is me. But I don't want him to be.
We converse mostly through text which is not always the best for either one. But at least for him it keeps me at bay.
He is actively dating, and I am slow in my situation
When we see each other I feel a sense of relief, and comfort.
To me, we fit perfectly, or too perfectly.
I fold into him with ease.
his kiss and breath are perfect...
I feel his heat. His quiet heat.
What does he feel from me?
something or nothing?
I guess I really don't know, all I know is that I am wanting to stand next to him...
feel him, and know him...
have time to just see, to laugh and just be.
to just see...
if this is what I think it is
I fear that I am that woman.... the one he wants to push to the side, but not hurt.
To fuck , but not love.
the games are on pointe
so easy for him, so hard for me.
I am right here,
waiting .
all this time
xo
write ya later,
m
