longest day and memories...christmas morning

 Life is short...

today, my son hung himself

he is still alive, 

It is not his time

and I hope he will soon understand that he has so much to still give to this world...

that his light has only begun to shine,

even though his head and heart are so heavy he is unable to carry them alone.

We will carry it all for you,Blue....

until you are strong enough

 and the light is bright enough

for you to see the

path 

your beautiful path 

once again 

❤

the call was the same as the one I received the day his girlfriend was found dead from accidental overdose in the bed next to him.

My son, 

he carries the world in his head and his heart,

He has not done art in a year and that, too, has weighed heavy

upon his soul.

We have all been in dark spaces 

We have all had a time when life is so heavy that it seems we 

cannot

continue 

another day

But the next day will most likely never be as bad as the moment you

attempted....

to leave this planet

and us....

you still have so much to give this planet

so much to teach to others

so much love to give

and ....

love to receive....

I promise.

I promise

it is just waiting for the perfect moment

thank you

for 

staying

xo,

m

"acute attempt by hanging 

non diagnosable"

this occurs when the weight of life is too hard to handle and the coping skills are low to none

often seen in abused and abusive relationships and PTSD...

 where one loses the ability to momentarily rationalize

Not due to diagnosable severe depression or mental illness.

if the weight of the world is suffocating you

tell someone

call 911, call anyone ....

and I do realize the weight of the phone is often as heavy as the moment you decide you cannot go on.

It will get better.  

It will

I promise.

national hotline

800-273-8255

long term effects from hanging survival is unknown...

physical and of course mental

many see hope after surviving....

many do not.

many have resources and support...

many do not

Many have the ability to have people care for them and help....

many fall right back into the situation which put them there

Blue...

we will forever fight for your light

there is a reason

mom

Lets Look at Each Other for a Minute

first time I was kissed it was by Carl.
I had practiced on my pillow I had read every Judy Blume book....
I was ready.
Carl, 2 grades older, red beret, artist, tall, cool
Why did he like me.?
Little skater girl ......

I will never in my life forget it.
he leaned in to kiss me, I puckered, he opened....I freaked....
I literally had no idea...the French kiss.  
the FRENCH KISS
I just couldn't.  wasn't that how babies were made???
He hesitated, he laughed ....the next words out of his mouth were,
"I am going to tell everyone in high school you don't know how to kiss"
These few words, to an oncoming freshman, were the death.

 The first boyfriend I ever had betrayed my sweet lips.
It hurt.
I swore I would never be in that predicament again.

kissing.
I would never misunderstand the art of kissing again.
never.
ever

Kissing is my thing.
I love it.
Lips, tongue, smiles, breath, teeth.
you can learn a person's soul through their kisses.
you can learn a person's limits...
the hand on the back, under the skirt, touching your neck gently....
the smell, the taste, the neck nibble.
the breath
the breath
your breath

how can you be ready for love

breathe
wet
whisper
secrets


I don't get to kiss often.
when I kiss it starts fires within me, and within whoever I choose to kiss
to be in control of the kiss....
to let someone else control your kiss
it tells a story
a story no one else can replicate.
Kisses are like fingerprints.

to each
kisses

kisses

xo,
m

365 days: day 219... cadence helps my heart (part 1)

As I ran today I looked down at my legs ... 

strong , moving forward , smooth ..... 

a lil buzz ran through my body, a shiver , a smile .... 

I stopped .   

I stood looking first at my thighs 

then towards the mountains .... 

breathing  

breathing .... 

in out .    

Slow.   

Breathe  slow .   

Fill up , let it go

 .... a flash memory and another twinge....

I stretched and looked around .... 

looked at my phone . 

nothing.  
I rubbed my palms down my thighs
Keep running, it will stop

Ch ..... ch......ch.... 

the sound of the gravel crunching as I run in almost perfect cadence to the metronome 

...180 .... 

my feet remember the stride as my mind drifts again ....

Your hand reaching with ease to the passenger side and arriving perfectly on my thigh .   

Warmth and slight heaviness,

a gentle squeeze and movement that was so comfortable I didn’t flinch .   

I looked down at that hand, as you drove to nowhere with the other.... 

not looking at me or changing expression. 

a gesture that now has me unsteady within its memory.

I traced your fingers along the top, felt the soft spot between the thumb and finger,

touched your ring.

your hand moving to hold mine,

perfectly fitting.

cadence....cadence....look out, lean forward...

for a mile the breath comes uneven then starts to find it's place with the legs and heart.

mind begins to wander again.

keep running towards the horizon...

walking quietly side by side, not speaking, unsure

your hand grazes my back with a protective like move as the door opens.

the back of our hands graze each other with closeness and I feel your finger latch lightly around mine. 

weakness....don't move away...

faster I run and break cadence, fuck it, running to a visual point in the distance.

running as fast as I can telling my brain to not stop running until I am there.

I run faster and faster in order to be done.

done

I can't breathe 

I stop and bend over, holding my side...

the tears come, hot and dry quickly in the heat.

my heart heaves with lack of breath

strong legs,

keep moving forward.

I can't 

breathe

my brain throwing thoughts left and right

why has this happened 

it's ok

you are ok

I look at my phone again.

nothing

again

except a running timer saying to move.

telling me to move

come on

do something

I start to head back

tears burning my eyes.

that feeling

a feeling my touch can't fix.

a feeling that comes so often now I want to scream

my stride has shortened and my cadence is off

I walk and my breathing is uneven 

walk, breathe, walk, breathe

hands on my waist

I squeeze 

feeling 

what you

felt

mind wanders

pull me towards you

pushed back against the car

hands lifting me up and wrapping around me

gently sitting me onto the seat of the car.

breathe, breathe, breathe 

looking at the mountains 

I know life is beautiful

life is complicated

but it is also 

often

tragically perfect

undeniably

perfect

write ya later,

xo,

m

ps I write letters, I write so many letters and they sit in a folder waiting to either destroy me or destroy someone else.

the heart is a lonely hunter some may say, 

but my heart is a beautiful writer

365 days: Day 185 Punta Cana ...relaxed and washed out

DAY 185

Higuey, DR

 Something about the colors makes me happy

she smiled for a minute...ziplineing

Yes,  I booked a trip to Punta Cana DR when people are dying there. So what?  I like an adventure and a good deal.

Stayed at Barcelo Palace on Bavaro Beach and for all inclusive resort it was fine.

No one died, and I feel semi relaxed.

beaches were white and warm,

People were friendly 

I relaxed....

what more can I say........

except.....

I'm a dumbass for thinking it would be different.

Will I ever learn?

It really is time to move on...

really

(Look at that dumbasses sweet face)

vacationing with me is an adventure...

If you want it to be.

I enjoy trying stuff...

I tried almost every bite of food put in front of me...yes even meat, because when you don't speak the language it is important to not be rude....although a few locals helped with which meals traditionally did not have meat.

I like to do things....but I also like other people to take the lead, so if you are not strong enough to take the lead and decide what you would like to do, you will either be doing what I want to do, or nothing at all. 

If you decide things at the last minute while in a 3rd world country...it most likely won't happen because things need a bit of planning.

Something I discovered which was quite nice and new to me...

separate beds.  I slept like a baby.  Not my ideal sleeping arrangement when traveling with a person I am in love with, but....

situation was just dandy with the double beds. 

If you aren't having relations, kissing, touching....no need to be in my space.

I realized I find dark skinned DR men with light eyes, extremely attractive.

I was thankful I did not have the opportunity to really explore as much as I wanted to. ( wink wink)

If you sleep through half the vacation...

you are going to miss out, not my problem....

I can sleep at home...

I like to dance...and gamble occasionally

these things should happen while on vacation.

I cannot wait to meet someone who likes to take a bit of the lead...

I'm not saying all the lead, just someone who steps up, can make a reservation, can get a taxi in a different country, will carry the money and tip, and can try new things.

can't wait.

I posted a pic of me in my bikini, because I do wear a bikini and don't really care if I have a fat belly one day...

mostly I care because I don't find myself attractive looks wise.  My body is ok, but lately I feel washed out, old and pretty ugly.

(honestly though, I am all those things hahaha)

but it doesn't make me happy looking at pictures.

I am back home, getting mentally prepared for work and what comes next.

life is grand

write ya later

m

Waiting all that time

"I remember everything about you;

I was waiting all that time for you to love me"

                ~~~~~Rules of Magic

He has been the light at the end of my tunnel. 

As with anything, I try not to be too pessimistic or optimistic, regardless of how much my heart and head disagree. 

That damn tunnel is super long, so sometimes the light is dim, but it always seems to come back around when I need it.

In the past, this feeling has come and gone like summer breezes.  Nothing to really think about or dwell on.  Always some old friend in the background, checking in, checking status and inviting me just to get away and regroup. I keep them all at a good arm's length away. Always friendly and I do love them dearly, many I have known for years but to check out of here, and go there, would not do anyone any justice.  I think they realize that.  It does not keep the few that I have known for 20+ years from checking in....and asking. I do appreciate it. And maybe if situations were different right now I would accept. 

I have never been one to reminisce about past or missed loves. I am more the person who looks towards the future and ones who have not yet crossed my path. 

I believe because I have always been a guy's girl....I come back around as a missed opportunity for many men. I had an old High School friend send me a text not too long ago. He was a big jock, I was a punk rock skater girl, but we were always together in honors classes and had just gone to school together forever due to small town. Just as now, I was always pretty open minded to friends and didn't really mind if they were completely opposite of me. In my mind I was just me, and I knew most guys were never going to take interest in me.  Red Hair , not the pretty kind, freckles, glasses, goofy and no makeup.  I just bopped around, helping friends pick prom outfits and date clothes....and I stayed home and sometimes wished my "Ducky" (pretty in pink) would rescue me.  Even the punk rock boys were not interested....I was a buddy, a cute little sister type buddy. 

Anyways, this guy texted me and said, " you were always so great, just there laughing, smart and always so kind. At one point I wanted to ask you out but I thought you would say no, because I was a jock.  And when you got nominated for Homecoming Queen as a joke, man you took that so great and played it up.....I actually hoped I made homecoming King, just so we could go out and have fun." 

I thought , wow...35 years later....he is still thinking about that.  that is sweet....and maybe odd.  This guy is a lawyer now, quite wealthy and has an amazing life and family.  But there I am, part of his history.  **I did not make homecoming queen.  They negated my entry, due to quote" I would not be a good representative of the high school" from the principal. I survived....but was not asked to homecoming.  I ended up dressing as a German Boy on the German float because I was the only who fit into the lederhosen and did not have plans.

Story of my life.

Never went to prom, or any dance....was never asked.....in the 80's you did not take yourself.

So, when I love someone, I love hard.  Probably too hard. Maybe that is what they remember.  Even if I hate them after the split I still love them because they touched my soul....or else I would not have been with them.  period.

I never was much of a dater. When I met someone I was attracted to, that was it.

Now, I am older.  I am not really into games and pretending. I want people to say what they mean and not miss out. I am often guilty of saying exactly what I mean and feel, and maybe that is too much.  But I think people need to know... to know that they are sexy, they are worthy, smart....wanted.

I am not sure it is so appreciated, still.

The games are still strong.

This friend, my friend, has touched my person.  Did he come at a weird time, wrong time, or right time.  I'm not sure....but he has been in my periphery for a few years now. I cannot speak for him or his feelings except for what he respectably says to me. He is guarded with me and I believe it is because I am not that girl to him. I have watched him from the sidelines date, be in relationships and break up with women....but he never really says anything to me. Occasionally, " now you don't need to know this stuff." 

He is correct. I don't . 

But I want to know him. He is guarded towards me and I'm not sure if he is that way with everyone or it is me. But I don't want him to be.  

We converse mostly through text which is not always the best for either one.  But at least for him it keeps me at bay.

He is actively dating, and I am slow in my situation 

When we see each other I feel a sense of relief, and comfort.

To me, we fit perfectly, or too perfectly.

I fold into him with ease.

his kiss and breath are perfect...

I feel his heat. His quiet heat.

What does he feel from me? 

something or nothing?

I guess I really don't know, all I know is that I am wanting to stand next to him...

feel him, and know him...

have time to just see, to laugh and just be.

to just see...

if this is what I think it is

I fear that I am that woman.... the one he wants to push to the side, but not hurt. 

To fuck , but not love.

the games are on pointe 

so easy for him, so hard for me.

I am right here,

waiting .

all this time

xo 

write ya later,

m

360 days of my life #22

At 7:20 the Angelic Miracle Worker Most Amazing Person/Vet in the world wants us to please come up so we can talk about Eddie and what we can proceed with. She said she got a small tail wag...and he peed!!!!!! (good) I jumped with joy. She said he is hurt very badly, but his bones are not broken. His insides are bruised, jumbled and she is very amazed he has recovered as well as he has. They don't have an overnight staff at the animal hospital, so she wants us to bring Eddie home for the night. ....OK...i am a nurse, but I am very scared. What if he starts to go down hill? You know he must have horrible pain...he can't talk. How will I know? She said if something takes a turn for the worse we are to transport him immediately to the emergency clinic (we are pretty lucky to have one right around the corner)...she will let them know what the situation is.

The kids have cried. Olive wrote a memory book, just in case he goes with Tonka....and Ilin is upstairs playing really angry sounding Punk Rock music on his bass.

I am drinking rum and coke ( i hate rum, but it was the only thing available) in the pint glass....and Bobby has measured the area for a 29 foot fence and called every fence installer in the area. We all deal differently.

I know that Ed was given to us by a weird fate...a weird higher thing that knew that he was what we needed as a family right then. I believe this. He's just a stupid big dog, but he has brought us all together in a way that nothing else could have at that time. Believing this has led me to also believe that being taken away so quickly could never have been in his cards. We need Ed and he needed us.

Last night I told Eddie , " Buddy... I love you so much. Thanks for having found us."

Life goes on...but I want it to go on with Ed.