365 days: day 219... cadence helps my heart (part 1)

As I ran today I looked down at my legs ... 

strong , moving forward , smooth ..... 

a lil buzz ran through my body, a shiver , a smile .... 

I stopped .   

I stood looking first at my thighs 

then towards the mountains .... 

breathing  

breathing .... 

in out .    

Slow.   

Breathe  slow .   

Fill up , let it go

 .... a flash memory and another twinge....

I stretched and looked around .... 

looked at my phone . 

nothing.  
I rubbed my palms down my thighs
Keep running, it will stop

Ch ..... ch......ch.... 

the sound of the gravel crunching as I run in almost perfect cadence to the metronome 

...180 .... 

my feet remember the stride as my mind drifts again ....

Your hand reaching with ease to the passenger side and arriving perfectly on my thigh .   

Warmth and slight heaviness,

a gentle squeeze and movement that was so comfortable I didn’t flinch .   

I looked down at that hand, as you drove to nowhere with the other.... 

not looking at me or changing expression. 

a gesture that now has me unsteady within its memory.

I traced your fingers along the top, felt the soft spot between the thumb and finger,

touched your ring.

your hand moving to hold mine,

perfectly fitting.

cadence....cadence....look out, lean forward...

for a mile the breath comes uneven then starts to find it's place with the legs and heart.

mind begins to wander again.

keep running towards the horizon...

walking quietly side by side, not speaking, unsure

your hand grazes my back with a protective like move as the door opens.

the back of our hands graze each other with closeness and I feel your finger latch lightly around mine. 

weakness....don't move away...

faster I run and break cadence, fuck it, running to a visual point in the distance.

running as fast as I can telling my brain to not stop running until I am there.

I run faster and faster in order to be done.

done

I can't breathe 

I stop and bend over, holding my side...

the tears come, hot and dry quickly in the heat.

my heart heaves with lack of breath

strong legs,

keep moving forward.

I can't 

breathe

my brain throwing thoughts left and right

why has this happened 

it's ok

you are ok

I look at my phone again.

nothing

again

except a running timer saying to move.

telling me to move

come on

do something

I start to head back

tears burning my eyes.

that feeling

a feeling my touch can't fix.

a feeling that comes so often now I want to scream

my stride has shortened and my cadence is off

I walk and my breathing is uneven 

walk, breathe, walk, breathe

hands on my waist

I squeeze 

feeling 

what you

felt

mind wanders

pull me towards you

pushed back against the car

hands lifting me up and wrapping around me

gently sitting me onto the seat of the car.

breathe, breathe, breathe 

looking at the mountains 

I know life is beautiful

life is complicated

but it is also 

often

tragically perfect

undeniably

perfect

write ya later,

xo,

m

ps I write letters, I write so many letters and they sit in a folder waiting to either destroy me or destroy someone else.

the heart is a lonely hunter some may say, 

but my heart is a beautiful writer

Artsy Crafty Stuff

Day after Mother's Day and I had the day off.

It's nice, and although I wanted to just lay around and contemplate life, I got my ass up and checked a few things off my list.

I did some crafty things...

finished up a few projects and tidied some stuff which had been bothering me, but seemed daunting to  start.

It really wasn't.  Honestly, I was just a bit lazy.

My sewing/ and knitting room had turned into a spider haven and dump area for the family.

So, I got in there, vacuumed and put the yarn into the little boxes where it should live, cleaned the tables of the 2" of dust and threw out a bunch of old fabric and garbage.  Still have stuff to chuck, but it is a start.

I figure if I am going to be here, I might as well make it what I want.

It definitely needs a revamp, but I enjoy the shabby chic coziness.

Once I was tidied I used up some old fabric and whipped a test run of a scrub hat for work.

They cost about 15$ so I figured I would make a few, save some cash and use up some fabric. 

It will work to get my lil bit of hair all covered for surgeries and have a little sassy flair too.

Then in order to stay on track I headed outside and worked in the yard.

I mulched everything.

...backyard...

it should look nice when the stuff starts popping up

and the front yard....everything is mulched.  I don't think I have ever finished mulching the entire yard in the same year.

I enjoy working in the yard.  It is just sometimes a bit overwhelming, but as I work on each little section each year it becomes easier and actually seems to take care of itself now.

I really just have to maintain stuff...pull some weeds and add some color.

I keep digging up the grass because I find it a nuisance.

That all took quite a while.

But when I was cleaning the sewing room I found my trusty glue gun and glue sticks and that was my reward.

When I went to Costa Rica last time I noticed they had all these sparkly mirror hanging things from the balconies.  I just loved them and asked about them.  They said it was to keep the monkeys from those areas, and that they made them ...you couldn't buy them.

So today, I sat down and made some for my back deck.

I love my back deck when everything is blooming. So the addition will be perfect.

to make the sparkly things you need 

1. fishing line

2. beads of any sort, but a couple of heavier ones to weigh the string down

3. glass squares (you can get them at any Michaels or such)

4. glue gun

I like them about 3 to 4 feet long. I make a loop at one end then I glue the fishing line in-between the 2 little glass squares.  As I go down the string I put a bead in-between the mirrors.  At the end I like to add a skull bead or a crystal bead to catch the sun.

Sparkly, cheap, easy.

Here I think you might be able to see them hanging behind the swing from the trumpet vine which hasn't bloomed yet.

So, my day was productive. I still need to run and clear my brain...

but, it feels good to get things done, throw things away and make my space relaxing and mine.

go make some sparkly things.

write ya later,

m

maybe Ill go make cupcakes, everyone loves cupcakes.

365 days just work...work it girl

Funny how things are just as they are to be, nothing you can do to change it.

I laughed yesterday at my job interview when they asked (of course) what my strengths and weaknesses were.

This is an old tactic, standard interview question in which I used to fret over.

This time when asked I chuckled and said....

"I am going to be completely honest with this....because as I get older I have learned my strength is also my weakness and often bites me in the butt.  Mine is work ethic. Mine, I have realized, is somewhat higher than most and although I know this, and also know people work differently, it still often puts a crimp in my arrow"

I got the job.

I got home and no one asked how it went, did I get the job?

....maybe no one even knew I applied, or was going to the interview. 

No celebration or congrats.  

Which is fine, just made me laugh a bit.  One of those exciting then, who the fuck cares moments.

This is job 3 and I am picking it up as a per diem, to start, to make sure I enjoy it.  I will stay as long as possible at the main job, continue to pick up treadmill shifts and then slide this job in 2-3 times a month.  Goal is to pay off my school debt (which really isn't much) in a quicker manner.

debt free would be good right now...

As Murphy's law has it....

Someone came to look at the house radiant heater. It is as old as the house....and obviously cannot be repaired, must be replaced...I stood there and laughed on the inside as the young guy said,

"well, the estimate for the complete energy efficient redo is about $12k"

hahahah

FML

maybe a 4th job is needed?

so, what did I do....

1. I laid on the couch and admired my beautiful grey hair...

2. knitted

3. cried and laughed

4. looked again at apartments

5. sent some fuck you's in my mind to a few people 

6. texted a few sweet nothings to a few

7. home workout

3/2/19

when I finally got my self together and remembered regardless of all of it...that I still am training to run in a few months and the training schedule says I have to full body train....

Which I usually do, but missed the gym class

So, 30 pushups

I really need to do them 3 different ways but I just did not have the strength today

and a ton of 1 legged butt lifts.

Even though a girlfriend said, no one cares what you look like ...I agree.... but I care a little, for myself....

seriously.

I like strong legs and shoulders. and an ok butt, with or without standard cellulite.

plus it makes ya feel better

I encourage you to give it a try

pushups and pullups

Life is grand and things just have to happen the way they are supposed to...

if its meant to be it will

absolutely nothing to dwell on or try to change because you really just can't 

I keep thinking the soul knows the direction and the heart sometimes fucks with that path....

just gotta let it be

xo

write ya later

go do some pushups

m

Hellllllo October, you Bitch

Oh, October in Colorado.  One of the persnickiest times of the year.

One day 78 degrees and clear ....

Isn't it lovely?

All less than 12 hours later.

Same view....

17 degrees. 

No worries though, this is why we love Colorado, she is as unpredictable as a, well, let's say a woman who has been on the wagon for 17 days, attempting to figure out what to do with all her free time not spent drinking or surfing IG or Facebook.

"Shall I have an acid flavored Kombucha?....or a cucumber water?"

"Shall I knit or shall I clean and sort my entire sewing room, then decide to finish all projects which were left unfinished from years ago?"

Guess what ?

All of the above.

SoberOctober is proving itself to be quite productive, not only for projects , but for clearing my mind and getting my lonely lost head straight. 

Two Thumbs up, M!.

 yeah Kanye, we get it 

"MAGA"....and that is starting with my sewing room and brain.

Let's see, just for the idle chatter, I knitted a sweater, sewed a bag (little hexagon appliqué pictured below), got a Fitbit, been working out, am getting a BMI body scan, repotted all the outdoor plants to bring inside and planned a trip to Nashville

Who doesn't love Hexagons?

All of this while sober.  

I may just keep it up into November (probably not, because my friends are so not supportive).

I am still grieving the loss of a friendship which brought me much joy....but it will be ok. 

Everything works out in the end, one way or another, it is just weird to hear someone say they will be there, then , well.....go silent.

Part of my Yoga, workout, run therapy also involves lessons in patience. 

It's kind of cool.

I am working just being me. 

It's all good when you can look at yourself and laugh...give people hugs....and  say "good things happen to good people and mean it". 

I missed out (self inflicted) on a once in a lifetime trip to Machu Picchu, which was to start tomorrow, because 

1. guilt of spending $3K on myself

2. a little bit scared

3. head not quite where it needed to be to travel and enjoy.

it's ok....there will be more trips....right?

(yes that is grey hair...the red is being replaced by silver)

This is me....at work, 

washing my hands so that I can pass out some more hugs.

Try it.

I'll keep ya posted on my plans.

Nashville, Bryce National Park 1/2, then hopefully Italy and or Greece....although I have heard Croatia is quite nice. 

xoxox,

write ya later,

m