Transition in Body Starts Now

there is nothing funny about any of this post

except that sometimes all you can do is laugh...

 Menopause.  it's flipping awesome.   No joke.  

I've gained 21 pounds on a 5' frame.  with no changes to my diet etc.  It's horrifying and making me hate myself once again.

I can't run distance right now, but I am still going to the gym and doing my best.  My best is NOT good enough...it's not.

I said to myself last week that after my Dr. appointment I would work from there. She put me on a low dose hormone therapy of estrogen and progesterone and after 3 months we can talk about testosterone if needed.  These are things, that if you are not going through it, you can never ever understand.  It is very similar to childbirth ...

Nothing you hear or read can get you ready or prepare you for it. 

I'm holding myself accountable because I truly hate the way I look right now, which is 100% effecting my sex life.  I'm worried for what he will think when he looks at me.  My clothes do not fit and I feel yuk in my own skin. This is not like me because for so many years, I, regardless of everything else, felt good about me and my body.  I had someone who told me I was beautiful and to me, it made me feel beautiful.

As of now, I have cut down my drinking to 3 drinks about a week, contrary to TikTok the weight has not disappeared from hidden calories.:))

  I cannot run right now because of the plantar fasciitis.  But I still am going to the gym 5-6 times a week and doing different classes.  I am monitoring my intake.  I do realize it won't be easy but I'm giving myself 4 months to turn this boat into there right direction.  

I am thankful for a few things :

I'm still alive

He tells me I'm more beautiful than ever and he does not see what I see

I have a Dr who listened and is helping.

I am fairly healthy

it's embarrassing but here we go

xo 

m

Send Friend Now

Spent some me time today.  

Made a commitment , again, to myself that I will take care of my mind, body and soul....

while I still can.

Went to the gym this morning at 545 am.  Goddamn I hate that place

I'm not sure how everyone feels so comfortable there.

I walk in, hope that the equipment I want to use is available and if it isn't....

I kind of walk around in circles waiting.

It's ridiculous.

Got it over with and got the heck out.

Decided it was such a beautiful day I would go for a bike ride because , honestly...how will I ever do a 100 mile gravel ride if I never ride my bike except for the day we go for the 100 mile ride.

I did a quick 8.12 miles. 

happy with that.

and am now treating myself with a beer while I contemplate life.

Here's what I am contemplating.

where does a grown ass adult find a new best friend?

You may think I'm being funny...

but I'm being serious.

After losing Sissy, I realized she has been my only girlfriend for years.

I have had some work friends and some so so friends 

but no one who can even remotely take the place of Sissy

I don't want a replacement, but  maybe it's not healthy to not have any friends

I take that back...

I have Scooter....

but he moved away.

It will be just fine.

I got things to do.

Life to live

I'm so inspired right now I am actually gonna shower and shave my armpits.

yup...

the song came up on my playlist today while I was riding.

it's old

but I like it

if you know of a new friend for me

let me know

thanks

m

 I'm walking in the shadows of my tempted soul

Time is ticking by

I'm chatting with this bottle of wine

I know that I'm not perfect

I'll admit that I'm a fool

Everytime I'm lost

I'm always finding my way back to you, the one

I need when I'm awake

Take me home

I wanna go

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am.

I can see what he was thinking

It's so easy if you try

Killing yourself with a silver dagger just to show how much you love

Is worth the pain

Then to hear her cry your name

Take me home (slow down my heart)

I wanna go (I'm breaking apart)

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am

And I can't go on, I can't live like this

And we can't get back the time we've wasted

No I can't go on, I can't live like this

Take me home (slow down my heart)

I wanna go (I'm breaking apart)

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am

Think You Got It......

Self care, yup....I'm really horrible at it.  Actually I hate it.  As someone once told me, it is probably because I feel that I don't deserve it.  Which is pretty accurate.  With that said, I made an appointment with a private trainer....well 12 appointments.  I will inevitably have to show some accountability to myself for 12 times ....maybe at that point it will become a habit...bwahahahaha

OI showed up and he was waiting with bells on.  After a short interview of health history, work history , schedule, medications, basic knowledge....my heart finally settled down enough to pay attention. " Why the fuck am I so nervous?" I thought to myself.  He's here to make me healthier, stronger, and whatever else a 52 year old lady can accomplish.   We talked about my goals.  1. My ass is not fitting into my 25 year old jeans anymore.  2. I'd like to feel stronger.  3. Healthier.  4. Body fat lower.

"Great start", he said....."Let's go hop on the scale and the body fat evaluator".  

We had already discussed my scan from 2.5 years ago.  Body fat was around 22% which I would like to be below.  I step on  the scale thing.  Really how does this thing work?  How can it tell my body fat from me stepping on the scale then putting my arms out and thumbs on a button?   seems a bit iffy to me.

Whatever, I'll go with it.  it said I weighed 117# with 44% muscle and 29% body fat.

Dont even wat to know what the other 27% is...(beer? Anger? French bread?)

FATTY

I'm obese. which surprised me.  well not obese, but what we would call skinny fat at this point.

The Commander said, "It's perfectly doable, to get you down to under 21%....it will take longer than 6 weeks, but you can do it"

On that note...we started our pre workout evaluation.   

Deadlifts, planks, squats, pushups, barbell presses,  lunges  core, row machine, TRX and some crazy ab thing with the stability ball called " the triple threat".

By the end of the first session I decided Cody ( Commander) and I were no longer friends.

He commended me on my deadlift form so that was good.

Other than that 

I hate myself for having signed up AND PAID for 12 expensive private sessions.

Commander and I have another date for an hour session on Friday.

I'm 52

All the women at work, young and old get Botox and filler....

I refuse.

Facials and Lash extensions 

(this is what happens when the Dr you work for owns an aesthetics/plastic center connected to your surgery center.

DISCOUNTS DISCOUNTS DISCOUNTS

I refuse.

I swear I will age ( duh) 

I'm not fighting it....

But I will keep my body and heart as healthy as possible.

I'm typing this as I drink a Vodka in bed.

So, Friday it is....

Workout #2

I'm pretty sure anger is not going to drive me to be more productive....

but you know what will?

Embarrassment 

Fear of Failure

Self Hatred 

there we have it

Self Care

Girl, Ya think ya got it?

Hey,Ya 

I might got it

Write ya later,

Your 29% luscious fatty girl,

M

Day 210: Selfies My Way

Day 210

green smoothie wreck

7/29/19

Green Smoothie: Spinach, (blah), green apple, strawberry, put butter, banana, whey protein powder, water....blend, chia seeds.

meal complete, sans chewing...

perfect for my nonchalant, sick of chewing attitude.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to take nice candid shots of me...ya know, just so when I'm missing they will find me...

If you were to look on B's social media or phone, or picture history you will find no mention (in pictures) of me.  There are many many pictures of Olive, of himself...his car, his guitars, amps....motorcycles....dog....

not me.

I asked him about this and he said his social media is for work.

Hmmm...ok. are tacos work?

What I believe to be true is that I am slightly under par according to him.

so we will leave it at that.

In return I take many of my own happy selfies...

the best being the "I don't care after workout/ run" selfies

 and leg and feet selfies ( because they are always cute).

They go lots and lots of places.

I have even contemplated a picture book of all the travels and countries I have photoed my feet.

not for anyone...just me....dont worry I won't be gifting those.

candid photos are a luxury because you have to have someone who sees something and who has the care to take a picture.

I take a ton of pictures and my favorites are the ones I take of my friends just being.

They hate it until I send them later.  

I often see them used as profile pics and such which makes me happy.

I'm careful to never post an unflattering picture because I feel that is a bit of a bummer and happens quite often when I'm looking at random shots on media.

capturing people in their form is a beautiful loving thing.

here are a few that make me smile.

 Kris ....old lady cartwheels....yes she was drinking

we call her Betty, and she is always smiling and gives the best hugs.

Photo ops....It wasn't my op, but I took advantage

This kid was funny...dog dish reinvented....

the Litas...I took this, they use it all the time...I'm not in it

my sweet work wife, Heather....ready for radiation

Pictures ....

Don't hate me for snapping so many, If I love you.....

I have pictures.

snap ya later,

m

365 Days : Come Sail Away

FOMO

Fear of Missing Out

Sums me up.

Although this is a weird picture of my otherwise usually adorable ass, I was not missing out on this day.

Days like this are good good days.

see ya at the lake,

m

365 days just work...work it girl

Funny how things are just as they are to be, nothing you can do to change it.

I laughed yesterday at my job interview when they asked (of course) what my strengths and weaknesses were.

This is an old tactic, standard interview question in which I used to fret over.

This time when asked I chuckled and said....

"I am going to be completely honest with this....because as I get older I have learned my strength is also my weakness and often bites me in the butt.  Mine is work ethic. Mine, I have realized, is somewhat higher than most and although I know this, and also know people work differently, it still often puts a crimp in my arrow"

I got the job.

I got home and no one asked how it went, did I get the job?

....maybe no one even knew I applied, or was going to the interview. 

No celebration or congrats.  

Which is fine, just made me laugh a bit.  One of those exciting then, who the fuck cares moments.

This is job 3 and I am picking it up as a per diem, to start, to make sure I enjoy it.  I will stay as long as possible at the main job, continue to pick up treadmill shifts and then slide this job in 2-3 times a month.  Goal is to pay off my school debt (which really isn't much) in a quicker manner.

debt free would be good right now...

As Murphy's law has it....

Someone came to look at the house radiant heater. It is as old as the house....and obviously cannot be repaired, must be replaced...I stood there and laughed on the inside as the young guy said,

"well, the estimate for the complete energy efficient redo is about $12k"

hahahah

FML

maybe a 4th job is needed?

so, what did I do....

1. I laid on the couch and admired my beautiful grey hair...

2. knitted

3. cried and laughed

4. looked again at apartments

5. sent some fuck you's in my mind to a few people 

6. texted a few sweet nothings to a few

7. home workout

3/2/19

when I finally got my self together and remembered regardless of all of it...that I still am training to run in a few months and the training schedule says I have to full body train....

Which I usually do, but missed the gym class

So, 30 pushups

I really need to do them 3 different ways but I just did not have the strength today

and a ton of 1 legged butt lifts.

Even though a girlfriend said, no one cares what you look like ...I agree.... but I care a little, for myself....

seriously.

I like strong legs and shoulders. and an ok butt, with or without standard cellulite.

plus it makes ya feel better

I encourage you to give it a try

pushups and pullups

Life is grand and things just have to happen the way they are supposed to...

if its meant to be it will

absolutely nothing to dwell on or try to change because you really just can't 

I keep thinking the soul knows the direction and the heart sometimes fucks with that path....

just gotta let it be

xo

write ya later

go do some pushups

m

man arms?

Oh lord…

Im not sure if this is what I had in mind when I started to work out and weight lift.  Maybe I thought I would be rockin Madonna arms…You know the kind, Lean and Strong?…

The kind they post on the front of tabloid magazines and the captions says "starving to death?"…

The kind where your significant other, whom you at one time were trying to impress then said  'fuck it , I'm doing it for myself and so other people will say' , "holy shit…what happened to your arms?"

arms

like this:

but not so drastic….

Too me it's is gross, but sexy strong…

and I'm at that age where I'm gross anyways. 

 Middle aged, married woman with kids, who no one looks at any more…Almost like you are invisible.  So what do I care?  I want to look in the mirror and say ,"holy macaroni…I'm going naked today…or if not naked I'm rockin the sleeveless mom smock."

  I'm done with lunch lady arms.  finito…. finished….adios swayin in the wind, arms!

Back to topic.  

So, I thought I could pull this off with my new "Live Fit" training program.

Ummm…it's working, but in a strange way,a way that apparently would only happen to me.

my arms are starting to look like this:

Not that these are bad arms 

and they surely surpass the lunch lady arms…but come on…even these things are gonna be hard to rock in a sleeve less lil black dress for my reunion.

Why does this shit happen to me?  

chin hair?

large features…

now Arnold Arms

It's a start…

I'll be baaack

write ya later

m

PS…now if you hop on over to Lepetite Jen's Blog

you will see what I was hoping for…

slim and tiny…

She will be competing in March I believe.

I'm so proud of her.

workout day!

I worked last night and have to work again tonight, but I managed to squeeze in some heavy lifting with the encouragement of Lepetite Jen

this is not Jen, but this is what she would do if she was here  :)

Here's what I did

 Jump squats no weights  3x12

 plie jump squats 10 #  3x12

Romanian dead lifts   12#  3x12  (wasn't real sure how to do these properly, even after video)

lying leg curls   35#   3x12

butt lift  5# each hip   2 minutes

planks   1 min x2

too hot to run for me   it's 95 out yuk!

I hope I can keep it up, because when I'm not working out I feel yukky.

gotta go to work, night 2 of 3

A letter to p90X...a hate letter.

Dear P90x....

I hate you.  I hate the music, I hate the "bring it", and I hate the look of my new shiny pull up bar.  I wanted to love you.  I really did.  I wanted to love you as much as I love Jackie Warner,and her spray on abs and gayalicious workout crew, but I just can't.  I'm not ready to leave you, just yet....but the days are getting close.   Jillian Michaels warned me with the secret voice I hear through the DVD, " Don't go to the Dark Side...stay here with me and just do 20 minutes at a time....I won't ever fail you."  

Every time I do one of your horrendous hour long workouts I can't sit on the toilet the next day.  It makes me angry.  I don't care for dangling over the toilet seat.  It causes splash back, even if I am only 5 feet tall.

If I workout with you, I can't run, because it hurts.  I often can't even hold in my stomach after the 20 minute ab ripper.

The daily workouts make me crazy obsessed with time management.  "when can I fit in an hour long workout!?  I gotta find time to eat!!!   I have to work tonight and if I do an hour arm workout I won't be able to turn the steering wheel on the car to get to work."

The kids think I live in the basement.

I put on sweatpants and sports bras everyday...and that is sooooo not me.

Doing pushups 8 different ways is over kill.  The trooper that I am, I still attempt to do them all 8 ways, even if Bobby did suggest my shoulders were starting to look a bit manly.  

I hate Kenpo.  The moves are confusing and I seem to use more brain muscle than ass muscle. My brain is tight...my ass, not so much. 

Your Yoga sucks...It's hardly relaxing.  The 15 minute repetitive downward dog is like a tryout for the Diamond Cabaret Gentleman's Club.  Although I am doing it, I am not body worthy of the Diamond Cabaret just yet.  Although if you were to peek into the basement you would throw dollar bills at my downward dog.  

I have looked at almost every single before and after picture on the world wide web of your "cult" and my body is NOT doing what those peoples bodies have done.  Why?

I just don't get it.  I work hard....I "bring it" about 7/8ths of the way 97% of the time.

You obviously don't understand I have to get into a swimsuit in July.

You just don't seem to care.  I hate you....

Ps.

I really hate the one legged guy who can do Plyometric jumps faster, higher and better than me...and I have 2 legs.

P90x   I hate you.  I want to break up, but I have to find a new obsession first, then you are sooooo outta here.

m

day 6 P90X...everything hurts

Today was day 6 of P90x or whatever...  today was Kenpo, kind of a kickboxing day.  I'm not big on kickboxing.  I have 0 mind eye coordination.  It takes me too long to figure out what they are doing to actually concentrate on muscle groups.  My goal today was to just keep moving.  Each of these workout are 1 hour, so its hard when you are watching that little time clock countdown the minutes.

I made it about 90% through the Kenpo before I fell to the ground....

It's not really hard,just hard to keep up!

I made up for the last 10% by taking a nice 5k jaunt with the dog.  I've slowed down my pace to keep from getting so winded.  I'm now averaging 10m miles, pretty slow, but as long as you keep going.

I decided today to give myself a recovery shake.  

Reasoning is that after 6 days of working out and such my muscles really do hurt.  Like it hurst to sit on the toilet...it hurts to get off the couch...and tonight I have to work.

It is supposed to help your muscles recover a bit a bit faster.  Some people believe in them religiously some people never even try it.  I had these Xood things in my junk drawer from the 1/2 marathon I did last fall.

Sure enough it is a recovery drink.  You can mix it with any beverage and since I'm not drinking beer....I decided to make a protein shake as Ms. Betty Rocker had suggested in my diet plan, and I think I can replace a meal with it.

This is what I did:

Blender.

1 low fat vanilla yogurt

1 frozen banana  (throw all your gross brown bananas in the freezer for this and kid drinks)

1 T of all natural peanut butter

1 T ground flaxseed (optional...i use for my Omegas)

chopped strawberries...or whatever

I threw in 3 icecubes because I was hot 

splash of milk or soy or rice...or nothing (optional)

XOOD   or whatever powder drink thing you have

blend away

made one pint, which I immediately poured into a beer glass for ol times sake.

Enjoy

p90x or px90 whatever....I'm in

Well, partially....I'm giving it a go.  

I challenge anyone else... : )  You know I like to see if I can actually finish anything.

See, I have been having troubles with my right knee.  The running is making it worse.

So I have to do something...  When I look at my body, its ok.  But I want to be toned.  Yes, maybe I'm obsessed, but really?   I just want to put on a pair of shorts and not have to adjust the "spread" when I sit down.  I want to be able to see a side shot of my arms and not wince in a sundress.

I just took before pictures and I can't even look at them.  I have photo issues.

this is the only one we will refer to.

don't ask me about my shorts...wide ass shorts?

I don't know.  I'm old and not attractive.

remember, not that I am making excuses, but I am only 5' tall.

Hobbit material.

here is what I see,

ass...needs work. hips...curvy

arms?  what is that?

new tattoos to cover up some of those old ones?

and maybe a tan wouldn't hurt (I don't tan)

well, there you have day 2 of the program.

Day one was pullups and pushups, cant do a single pullup!!!! I literally just hung from the bar like a baby monkey, grunting and groaning.  Then this morning my armpits hurt like I had been walking on my hands for a month!

Today was plyometrics.  "jump Training"  

I'll just tell ya now...NOT A FAN!!!!

I did it.  Now I'm going grocery shopping for shitloads of vegetarian protein....and beer, because Lent is coming up, and I usually quit for Lent....which means I gotta get drinking!

let me know if anyone else wants to do this with me

nike+ online?

anyone use it? I love it, and I would like to add some friends on my thingy...it helps keep me motivated...

Friday...and 2 hours to go

Hell to the Yeah...Because of NO MANDATORY OVERTIME....I will be leaving in about 2 hours approximately 9 am, right about the time my coworkers roll in. Hee Hee...Today I'm leaving the work for them....

Yesterday I went and bought the

so my butt can look like this:

Synda and I did the moves in the living room as my 12 yearold and his buddy had to be directed to LEAVE>>>GO AWAY!!!!!.
I plan on running today, and trying to eat properly. 60 days til beach.
Everything is toning up, yet we can't quite figure out how to get rid of the layer of Mom Belly. (Synda, we really should take a picture so people know what we are talking about) . Synda pointed out yesterday, that if we had started working out this hard right after the babies were born (5 years ago) we would be looking bangin' right now. No kidding. But we were in denial and now we pay the price.
The funny thing about the Jackie Video was : everyone had spray tan abs. We need those...they should sell the spray tan with the video...they would sell more videos, I'm sure of it!
Between the fake lesbian boobs and the spray tan I couldn't quit giggling...
but as far as review of the workout...it's the exact same...and I mean EXACT as SHRED. We are thinking that possibly Jillian Michaels and Jackie were Lesbian Lovers...makes it all that more interesting huh?
Picture it...picture it...see it in your mind

now let it go...

I will quit droning on....Later today I am going to do a Workout Giveaway...so check back :)

Visualizing

I've been visualizing...
I have 120 days until my vacation. I can do it. The biggest loser does it in 90 days, if even that.
So, I'm thinking getting a 5'2' body down to 107 # is feasible.

of course I don't have my own airbrusher....but I can do this.
My letter from the "Universe" said to me this morning
"Keep visualizing, M, keep visualizing"

Along with my thoughts I have tried to pick up my workouts.
I did my hot yoga Sunday.
Actually made myself a bit sick when I was laying down in Vinyase and all I could smell was Nachos. If that wasn't a sign to stop stuffing my little trap with cheese I don't know what is.
Visualize, M...

I am trying to eat more protein and do my cardio and strength. I think I really need to pump up the cardio to 5 days a week, but my schedule doesn't allow it right now, unless I can squeeze it in at work....

I'm going to take a picture of myself so that I can do a comparison, scary huh?

Tonight I have school then we are off to see my other boyfriend, Scott Weiland, play in Denver.

xoxox
m