Thursday Night Update

 here we go ...

I saved my drink of the week for writing tonight. I feel like I have earned it. 

It is interesting how things just ebb and flow. One week I am at my wits end with work, my body, my life...then Boom... just like that, I could give 2 shits.  Just keep moving forward. 

As long as I don't think " to what end am I moving forward?  There is only so much forward I can go before the forward is over"

. Weird thought, huh?

Work

Work has been fine.

I had a long discussion with myself last week on the drive into work. It's work. No need to be dramatic. The job isn't bad, the people are fine.....the problem is that it is just work, and that is part of the picture. I'll be just fine. Just do what I do, stay on the no problem list and make the money....then go on vacation or save to buy a house somewhere quiet. 

Health

Health is keeping me on my toes. I spent my late 30's to late 40's preparing my body for retirement. I wanted to be strong enough, fit enough and solid enough to be able to enjoy life in my late 50's on.  I wanted to wear the bikini, jump off the cliff and ride the motorcycles. 

When my feet started hurting and I could no longer run, I think I just quit. I think in hindsight I was so mad at my body, or myself, that I literally just quit trying to be that person.  I realized that maybe part of this was menopause and the feeling of distress that no matter what I did I would never be strong again or even worse I would forever be in this pain that I have been quietly experiencing. I decided, " ok, I don't need to run, but please, PLEASE can I walk without pain so that I can at least hike? Please...." 

That has yet to be determined. 

I started back to the gym. I called my Dr and she started me on HRT.  It's controversial for me because I had breast cancer, but after counseling and looking at my life, past and future hopes, we decided together that living my best life is more beneficial at this point, because what good is longevity if I can't function?  HRT is coming with some pretty weird side effects , hopefully temporary, so I'm ok with that. Within a week my aches and pains in my joints are gone, my sleep went from 3-4 hours a night to 7-9. This alone has made me less tired and emotional.  On the downside I started my period again because of the estrogen....but I can survive that. Been dealing with that for 35 years so it is what it is. I have been requested to do a follow up in 3 months. I was tested for BRCA gene and will get an ultra sound and an MRI for a tumor in my uterus, so that we can monitor if it is growing or if it's just a cyst. Two weeks now and my feet still hurt, but I will schedule an appointment with a sports medicine doctor and see what the next step is.  All in all, I feel positive.  I have been lifting weights 3 times a week and going to at least 2 to 3 classes ,including yoga ,a week.  This is really helping my mind set. Yoga is honestly been a real game changer for me and my mind.

I'm drinking only about 3 drinks/beer a week and feel better but sometimes want to have a few more still...but I think that is ok. I can indulge once in a while. 

Goals

I really need to finish some things in which I have started, and I know that. Big goals for this summer are some house upkeep including building a divider wall in our attic guest room. ( I have never done that before but I think I can do it).  I want to learn how to fly fish ( got the poles all ready ). I want to get stronger at gravel riding and quit being a silent crybaby in my head when I ride. And the big goal.....I really want to put money down on a piece of property. Anything.... something that is mine and I can maybe put a little trailer on and have a place to go and invite friends.

This summer we have plans of camping and a few small local trips and I am even planning a few solo things.  I'm grateful my other half encourages this.  I would love to solo travel to Georgia to see my friend Ivey, the nurse I bested with in NY during Covid.  I just miss her.

Well, that is probably enough blabbering for now.  There literally was no comedy or depth to this writing...it was just to say I am moving forward and learning to accept all of this new stuff with grace.

xo.

write ya later

m

Transition in Body Starts Now

there is nothing funny about any of this post

except that sometimes all you can do is laugh...

 Menopause.  it's flipping awesome.   No joke.  

I've gained 21 pounds on a 5' frame.  with no changes to my diet etc.  It's horrifying and making me hate myself once again.

I can't run distance right now, but I am still going to the gym and doing my best.  My best is NOT good enough...it's not.

I said to myself last week that after my Dr. appointment I would work from there. She put me on a low dose hormone therapy of estrogen and progesterone and after 3 months we can talk about testosterone if needed.  These are things, that if you are not going through it, you can never ever understand.  It is very similar to childbirth ...

Nothing you hear or read can get you ready or prepare you for it. 

I'm holding myself accountable because I truly hate the way I look right now, which is 100% effecting my sex life.  I'm worried for what he will think when he looks at me.  My clothes do not fit and I feel yuk in my own skin. This is not like me because for so many years, I, regardless of everything else, felt good about me and my body.  I had someone who told me I was beautiful and to me, it made me feel beautiful.

As of now, I have cut down my drinking to 3 drinks about a week, contrary to TikTok the weight has not disappeared from hidden calories.:))

  I cannot run right now because of the plantar fasciitis.  But I still am going to the gym 5-6 times a week and doing different classes.  I am monitoring my intake.  I do realize it won't be easy but I'm giving myself 4 months to turn this boat into there right direction.  

I am thankful for a few things :

I'm still alive

He tells me I'm more beautiful than ever and he does not see what I see

I have a Dr who listened and is helping.

I am fairly healthy

it's embarrassing but here we go

xo 

m

Hunk a Hunk of Burning Love

Burnin Up

It's happening....

I'm guessing this is the start of old age. Every day is like a damn science experience, and it's quite comical. I have always looked forward to aging, like a badge of honor. I guess, even with all my knowledge, I didn't realize it would come as a burning badge of fiery hot glory.

It's probable what I deserve.

I can officially say I'm Hotsy Totsy, for real.

Ya know, we don't talk about it very much and I do believe it's something that is hard to comprehend until you are experiencing it. All the years I shook my head at my mom, with her head in the freezer, or vacuuming like a mad woman in her bra and underwear...

I just never knew.

I apologize, Mom.

Yesterday, I noticed K in a sweatshirt and a hat, inside .

I rolled my eyes, really really rolled my eyes.

He was kind enough to not mention it,

or even say a word for that matter, 

but it was obvious that he was feeling as if he was camping in the frozen tundra with his full Patagonia gear in place.

I made a stealth trek over to my sacred wall art, 

aka "the thermostat"

and oopsie

62 inside.... and it was 32 outside

felt pretty good to me?

 I'm not a sadist, so I turned it up to 65.

I'm not only hot in my old age, but apparently getting soft too. 

A friend at work said, 

"why in the hell would they do this to us? 

Chin hairs, gaining weight, mood swings, hot-flashes,

 ....Christ, like getting old isn't hard enough?"

I looked her right in the eye and said,

"It's so we are no longer fuckable/mating material. 

It's time for us to become invisible Sages and let the young does take over" .

It is the most comical part of life as a woman. 

I am finally to a point where I have time, money and peace...

but with it came chin hair and 45 second.... 20 times a day, boiling points. 

I mean, maybe it's so when I arrive in hell I'll be fully prepared?

Whatever the case ...

I'm surviving

It's my bday weekend 

and I'm gonna be 

Hot as Hell

( all the way around)

v8grrl

write ya later,

m

Bleeding to death...almost

It's like Dexter all up in here....

I have literally been bleeding for 3.5 weeks now. 

I'm gonna be honest, I am not sure how any living creature can bleed this much and still live.

I can attest to the fact that I don't feel great.

I am going to say maybe it's my period's last hurrah,

so that I don't forget about all the. miserable times together.

I should have invested in some tampon company, or at least toilet paper.

I'm exhausted.

I am also going to guess that it could be something else,

because I haven't felt great for a while.

but I'm a bit too scared to go get it checked.

As you may know I had a boob scare a few years ago and had part removed...

but also decided not to take the chemo.

so...

at that point the dr said, we will keep an eye on everything.

I'm hoping it has not reappeared in the boob's second favorite spot to send cancer cells...

the uterus.

I'm gonna say it's menopause ....yep, that is what I am going with.

on top of bleeding my entire relaxing getaway, I also ate some luscious fruit and found out in a quite sucky way that being allergic to latex also means you are often allergic to many of the yummy tropical fruits and apparently lobster and shrimp (which I kind of all ready knew).

I had a bite of lobster, some unidentifiable yummy fruit, bananas and plantains

and my mouth developed a crop of sores, swelling and yuck.

( about the same as when I had latex rubber bands on my braces)

It's gross and it hurts.

I hope this is just an ugly phase I'm going through, because I don't have enough energy due to blood loss to workout or run, I can't eat anything good right now because of my mouth....

and after I work all day I am so tired I cannot even bring myself to do a damn thing, except get in the bed.

send me some good vibes...

I'm tired of this 

I want to go have fun and feel perky again.

I want to stop looking at my bed like it is my second home.

(as I type this from my bed)

any suggestions?

write ya later,

xo

m