Time warp again

longest days are the weekends, yet the shortest too.  I work...the family enjoys the wonders of the weekend.  Riding motorcycles, drinking beers, sleepovers, and snowboarding...while I rest to leave for work they play...while I work they sleep and are ready to play again in the morning.

I try to suck it up and smile, but when the sun comes out and shines I just want to go drink beer and play too...not get ready for work.

It's part of the job...suck it up big girl

365 days of my life #53

Itoot 11 th birthday gifts! well received :), originally uploaded by v8grrl.

We love her soooooo much

We are now trying to figure out how to send her 3 brothers and 2 sisters gifts also, because it just doesn't seem right to send to just one child.

The Father sent us a note in her last letter that was so heart felt it made me cry.

"he prays we care for Itoot and his family for a long time"

and we will.

xoxoxo

the best 35$ a month I have ever spent!

World Vision

On the needles

Short Toed Socklets

these lil buggers were a pain in the ass, and they aren't even done!

Oh well, they are for my Facebook 6 friends, and I know the person who is getting them doesn't read this.

So I still have to finish this one and move onto the next one.

I've slept well the last three nights and still have this horrible hacking cough.  I'm sure if I took up smoking filterless cigarettes I would sound better.

I'm going to try to pick up a few shifts this week.

Bobby feels my main problem is that I am sitting at home while everyone is at work.

He says I should work more.  He still doesn't get the concept that I work full time almost every week.  Just at night!  I try to work the 3 night shifts which gives us 36 hours and we get paid for 40.  That is what he works...40 hours a week .

Ok.  Today...

housework.

and working out.

write ya later

m

watering the drive in your underwear

I grew up with an unavailable Father.  It wasn't by his choice, it was the luck of the draw.  Either that, or too much aluminum in his food.

A combination of a few things related to the time I was raised, and the Alzheimer's, has made me unavailable, in life, also.

Recently I have heard I have a tough outer shell, that I can really be a cold, hearted, bitch...where is my compassion?

Maybe, just maybe, I lost my compassion.  I lost it somewhere between child hood and teen years.  I lost it sledding in the beautiful Michigan snow with my dad and picking him up at the guard house, in our gated community, after he had wondered off in his underwear .... and was found on the 3rd hole of the golf course, looking for golfballs.

Yes, golfballs .

 I became a non crier.  I became tough and I found a sense of humor.   I found my own defense mechanisms.  I never really thought much about friends coming over and seeing dad watering the driveway, instead of the grass, in his underwear.  

Hell, at least he had underwear on.  

My select group of friends knew the situation and dealt as well as they could, uncomfortably so, but dealt with it.  I believe it was because with the crazies at the Graves' house came quite a bit of unsupervised fun and a lot of adult parties.  Maybe it was because they liked me...but I never thought about that until recently.

I'm not sure I ever properly learned how to love.  Our household was busy with drama.  Stolen tires in the swimming pool, pot growing unknowingly in Mom's beautiful garden, locks changed on the doors too many times to count, and too many calls from the local jail.  Banned to a different room was my way of life growing up.  I wasn't to hear what was going on, but, Ohhhh what I heard and it formed my life.  All those brothers yet no real men in my life to form a proper identity as to what was right and what was wrong.

I never dated.  I tried.  I fell in love.  Yet there was no one to tell me what to do or not to do.  There was no father to bring this young man to meet.  By the time I was in that "too late young love" stage I was a goner.  The only deterrent I got from dating the guy was from my family who just stated they hated him and my gay brother who told me he once slept with him". Neither worked.... but as we all know, young love pans out, and the light shone bright.  Unfortunately, I will have to say, this first young love was the man who shaped my ideas of relationships and when this programming happens young, it is extremely hard to change.

No available father, crappy first loves, and a tough exterior, combined with that shitty sense of humor and here I am, at 42...still waiting.  Waiting to learn what is normal, when to give in and say this is as good as it gets or when to ask for more.  

Compassion?  I have a dog...I talk baby talk and kiss in-between his eyes...

Compassion? I clean peoples asses and tell them it's ok...I tell them I'll get them any type of pain medicine they want...not to worry.  

Compassion?....I speak to the dying and tell them its ok to go towards the light...I brush their hair before the family arrives.

The compassion has been sucked out of me.

Cold hearted bitch?  yea, probably, its a defense mechanism.

Little girl who stopped maturing at age 13, definitely...very much so.

write ya later

m

under wear?

under the weather...still.

It sucks.  I have started a running program with another runner andI don't feel like i can afford to be sick.  He states I need to run 3 days in a row...period, with no soreness or anything.  Which I really could do, but I'm lazy.  which is the problem.

obviously.

duh.

So, today I ran, even though I have snot pouring from my nose holes and I'm hacking up fur balls....or something similar.  He stated that the run should clear it out of my system.  Yeah, I'll say.  I sounded like I had the croup.

It's done and over.

I feel better about myself...

now to do some pushups so STM doesn't put me to shame with her non lunch lady arms!

xo

m

365 days of my life #49 Vroom

This is what I worked on today.

Fun Fur seat, Pink Decals...and I even did Olives lil half seat in Black fun fur...It's hard to see, but it's really cool

Taxes Done...with some minor set backs

Well, You should be able to...Especially if you are doing them your self.

I just finished and just for shits and giggles I thought I would do H&R block along with Turbo Tax side by side, simultaneously.

Hmmm

Exact same numbers, everything the same.

Used all my forms I was sent...nothing fishy.

H&R block: $4000

Turbotax:  $3000

How and where did the difference come in?

frightening....but yet I think I will go with the bigger number.

it really shouldn't be this hard...

Really, when I look at this all I think is why are they taking so much tax out through the year?  I mean I'm not filing my W9 (or whatever it is) all crazy.  

jeesus, make it easier n everyone.

Just give me the money owed through out the year!

then you won;t be paying me in the end?

Hmm hard concept huh?

Shut Yo Mouth...Dutch Tub?!!!!

Forget Gardening!!!!

Look at this awesomeness...

I had never seen such a thing...I am in Loooooove

and it';s flippin Orange, among other colors

It's a DutchTub

and its wood heated, and I need it.

I'm saving my money.

shut UP!

How will I ever sleep for the next 4 months as I dream of frolicking in this cereal bowl of love...or better yet, it looks just like the ramen Noodle Bowl I got for my son.

I just absolutely love it.

how do you get in?

70 degrees ? really?

Today it is to be 70 flipping degrees, last week it was 5.  I just don't get it.  Instead of bitching I am going to go with the flow and use my laundry line today...and actually start working on figuring out what to do with this lawn...as in get rid of it.

I need a back hoe.

seriously...i hate my back yard.  It should be a place of beauty and relaxation instead of a place for dog poop and yellow jackets.

i'm still hoping for some help.  I have issues with master plans.  I really should just start with a section and keep working.  Which I started last year with my beer bottle edging.

Maybe I'll just keep working right there.  Good idea Myssi.

this lil blog has awesome beauty

My Secret Garden

If anyone has some plant hints or such let me know...

I need all the help I can get!

365 days of my life #43

Off to the movies with the Gang of Hobo Toothed Fairies

Happy Valentines...

Didn't somebodies head get chopped off on this day? 

 Perfect day to celebrate.

Wait that might have been the Valentines Day Massacre

(this is how I feel on this day)

I lost my emerald ring Bobby gave me.

The one, if you remember, sat in the car vent for 2 years?

yea, well I apparently took it off, sat it down and now can't find it.

these are the things which happen after 13 hours of work...at night...

You know, I was hoping maybe he took it to have it sized, or to get me another...

But Valentines Day came...

the Target bag of Chocolate and Mickey Mouse card were sitting by the coffee.

so, that means I have to start turning the house upside down again.

Why does this happen?

damn it

Letter to a friend... Power of one

I try to not discuss my beliefs as such, but you kind of bring it out.
 People often judge me so I tend to keep quiet.
I honestly believe doing is the action.
Its so hard for me to watch people go to church 3 times a week and
have someone tell them what to do, read, or judge.  I do know everyone
has their own way of being strong... I just can't buy into it.  It
kills me.  Some/ most never ever put into action any sort of goodness
into the world short of their congregation .  They tithe their own
people. They condemn.  I understand they are " building an army".
But is it really right?   I can't say anything...all I can do is be
quiet and do good and when people ask my belief all I can say is to do
the best I can do right now.
Every day I make conscious desicions to change the world... Baby
steps, from not using plastic bags to donating to local charities ...
But I really try to do... Do to be an example .  Yes I'm vegetarian
but I won't preach, I just feel the world can do without all the
manufactured feed and killing .  It's baby steps
I find great inner love for mankind when I do this silly stuff....
Even more when someone turns to me and says that's awesome, let me
help.
It's the power of one

It's awful lonely, but every day I meet another person that smiles at
me for no reason and I know they too believe in the power of one

Don't judge me for this...

365 days of my life #40

The worm hat...all done...

New Job?

Not to jinx it, but the nursing floor I have been wanting to work on has emailed me  :)

It is exciting and scary at the same time.  I have a cohort who works up there and he has been so flipping helpful trying to get me up there.  Not sure if he's doing it because he thinks I would be a good fit, or because he needs another whack job goofball up there so he isn't alone. Whatever the case I will be starting to pick up shifts on telemetry, learning about open heart patients.  

(wish i knew who to give credit to, it's gorgeous )

My main goal of all this is to be well rounded enough to do care around the world.  A base knowledge to help me.

My Red Cross Disaster classes are starting up and that will give me one more progression.

The director there has put me on the list for international travel which thrills me to death.

I'm not ready yet, but to be picked to go is an honor.

On my plate for this week:

it's -8 this morning and I will not be running in that.

I finished a cool hat for Bobby, which he doesn't much care for I guess (picture coming soon)

I'm working on something for a girl from Facebook in exchange for a few CD's

Lastly,

I miss my girls, alot

I miss Synda...

I miss Kris (she's around the corner but she can't come out to play until it heats up to 65 outside)

I have many things on my mind.

write you later

m

Can't be fun forever.

When you run, you have issues.  Issues you never imagined having.  Really, things you just never really thought about before.

I never had.  When I began running it was miserable.  I had to count the seconds which I could run.  I would set non realistic goals for myself, such as...."if I run all the way to the second mailbox there, I will buy myself a Lexus."  My smart side of my brain soon figured out I would NOT really be buying myself a Lexus...I would just brush it off and say, " really what I meant, is I'll treat myself to  Michelob Ultra"

My goals were small and short...just run for 2 minutes straight....then it became 5,10, 20 minutes.

It was very rewarding.

Then my issues began to take over, because nothing can stay fun and rewarding for long.

I couldn't get 3 miles without having to go "#2".  This began to dictate my running schedule.  I had to run in areas there were bathrooms or face the consequences.  It became stressful, which led to more #2.

These are things runners don't talk about often.  I never worried about blisters or knees, only potties and toilet paper.  

It is hindering me more than not being able to run 6 miles.

Running should be relaxing.  You run, think about everything from sex to taxes, unless you are me...I think about outside toilets and tall grass.

My other Boyfriend, Anton...run!!!

Yesterday, as I thought where I am heading this year I started to panic.

Only I can choose my path and up to yesterday, my path choosing for the year had been lacking.

I was thinking that maybe I'm still on Hiatus from school, but can I still use that excuse one year later?  Is it Seasonal Affect Disorder?

Well, whatever excuse I may have, they are only excuses.

My body is begging me to start again, to be strong ...mind and soul, so that my legs may follow.

With that said, I put on my lil pink running shoes and headed out the door.  It was 32 degrees, not too cold for this time of year, and headed toward the lake.  As I rounded the corner to the lake I realized why I hate running.  It was windy at the Lake.  Yuk!  Blistering wind, but I kept going.  If I'm going to run with my new love Anton Krupicka ( I added his beautiful blog to the blog roll for inspiration) I must start running.   I made it a mere 3 miles.  Pitiful....but something.  The wind chill was 8.

So here is what I am seeing this year, and boy am I proud.

STM is doing pushups, La Petite is working out almost everyday, and people are "just doing it".  It makes me happy.

If you want, or possibly need, some beautiful inspiration which may be out of our reach as for what we can do right now, read HIS blog...but keep it in the back of your mind.  Think about what our bodies can do when given the chance and time.

He is like a mystical creature.  

A unicorn of runners.  He runs in with nothing but thin shoes, a small bottle of water and his old shorts.

He smiles as he passes and his smile glows with encouragement.

His body is lean yet strong.

We are not all cut out for Ultras, obviously...

but we are all cut out to move.

I'm Bringin Back the Tube Top

If you are on my facebook you all ready heard, but I'm gonna reiterate the point.

2011 is the year

I Bring Back the Tube Top

I'm just warning you.

It seems with all this Global Warming we will need a bit of a wardrobe change, and I am feeling the Tube...Top that is.

Right now we have been experiencing frigid temps here in Colorado, intermingled with balmy 60 degree temps.  My body is confused.  My Wolf Dog is all ready blowing his coat...and my nippies don't know if they should be soft or hard.

I figure, Tube Top is the way to go...
It's sexy no matter how you wear it.
Don't you agree?
And so forgiving in the girth department, so there shall be NO excuses that they don't fit.

(this is not me)

 Perky or non perky...it just kind of flows, add a jacket and its dinner wear.

You can mow the lawn, throw on a little button down and Vavoom

out the door.

I want you fashionistas who think you are all that, (not that you would be reading my blog)

the ones who guffaw at my awesome street style, then turn around and buy the exact same thing, made by some underpaid korean child, from Anthroplogie...mark my words....

You saw it here first.

Here's the plan:

We can all be involved, we will start a revolution.

Find your tube top of choice... I'm sure Forever 21 has them, if not,

stores which favor the ethnic population always have them somewhere...

and if you really can't find a cheap one, go to American Apparel, I'm sure they have a 50$ tube top to sell you in gold lame'...Or better yet!!!...ask your gay boyfriend...he WILL know.  They are full of useful info.

Get the tube top...

1. Take picture of just tube top (not on yet)

2. Tube on...decorate your fabulous self and email me the picture.

I promise I won't masturbate to it.

I'll try not to anyways.

If you know me...then...well, nevermind that's a different post.


We will start the revolution...Male and female...
let's have a bit of fun.
Who's gonna be first?


(oh yeah, for La Petite...just use some suspenders on your tube top)


Look how awesome tube tops are...
This gives the Power Hour a new meaning.
God bless Bob.

All this...and I wonder why Bobby thinks I'm nuts

A day in the life of a Effed up Mom Life

Which is better known as my life.

My Effed Up Life...

They say life hands you only what you can handle... and I guess in a sense I believe that.  Because, you know, really, only a select few roll up in a ball and die from life's basic hardships.  

(If you have had somebody roll up in a ball, I'm sorry...I'm just saying)

So, this morning when Bob emailed me and said we will be paying child support until Step Son graduates I was more than thrilled.  I was, shall I say, UN understanding.

It's a long story, but let me just say this, he may never graduate and then we pay until he's 21.

That is Divorce for you.

On top of child support payments, which really is just money.  I'm dealing with a certain someone in my life going through a midlife crisis.  I all ready had mine, hence Nursing School and life change....now I just want a sport car to go with my small penis...which I can't afford due to child support payments.  

When the other half of a relationship, male side, goes through a life change it can be detrimental to the entire world, let alone to the family.

Most of the time they aren't quite cut out to make spur of the moment decisions and instead sit moping like Eeyore on a log.

What do do about this?

I'll tell you. 

 Medicate.  

I am pushing for Zoloft or something...I will continue to medicate with microbrew, but I think Zoloft is in the future of this household.

As a woman, I'm not allowed to make crazed suggestions such as:

1. HallPass...go do what you need to do if it helps.

2. Move to Ca. like you want...see how it works out....

3. Change Jobs!!!! (too simple for a 46 year old)

4. Back to School?

5. Do some community work...(that is an asinine idea for a depressed person)

Letting someone live their life is a gift.  I am suggesting that to this person.

Do what your heart tells you!  Because that is what I want to do, but I CAN'T because I can't rationalize with a person who won't live their life.

ok...enough of that malarky.

Things will get better.  They almost always do and sometimes that is the worst part...

the :"OMG I actually survived that part of life, now I have to do something else" Syndrome.

I have spent the past 2 hours of a snow day explaining to Olive again and again why we can not go outside to sled in a windchill of -40.

It's the same reason the dog is crapping in front of the dog door on the inside of the house opposed to going out the dog door!

On top of all that...I've worked up a sweat and I stink.

I've done nothing.

enjoy your day.

xo

m

365 days of my life #32

windchill -42 right now