Think You Got It......

Self care, yup....I'm really horrible at it.  Actually I hate it.  As someone once told me, it is probably because I feel that I don't deserve it.  Which is pretty accurate.  With that said, I made an appointment with a private trainer....well 12 appointments.  I will inevitably have to show some accountability to myself for 12 times ....maybe at that point it will become a habit...bwahahahaha

OI showed up and he was waiting with bells on.  After a short interview of health history, work history , schedule, medications, basic knowledge....my heart finally settled down enough to pay attention. " Why the fuck am I so nervous?" I thought to myself.  He's here to make me healthier, stronger, and whatever else a 52 year old lady can accomplish.   We talked about my goals.  1. My ass is not fitting into my 25 year old jeans anymore.  2. I'd like to feel stronger.  3. Healthier.  4. Body fat lower.

"Great start", he said....."Let's go hop on the scale and the body fat evaluator".  

We had already discussed my scan from 2.5 years ago.  Body fat was around 22% which I would like to be below.  I step on  the scale thing.  Really how does this thing work?  How can it tell my body fat from me stepping on the scale then putting my arms out and thumbs on a button?   seems a bit iffy to me.

Whatever, I'll go with it.  it said I weighed 117# with 44% muscle and 29% body fat.

Dont even wat to know what the other 27% is...(beer? Anger? French bread?)

FATTY

I'm obese. which surprised me.  well not obese, but what we would call skinny fat at this point.

The Commander said, "It's perfectly doable, to get you down to under 21%....it will take longer than 6 weeks, but you can do it"

On that note...we started our pre workout evaluation.   

Deadlifts, planks, squats, pushups, barbell presses,  lunges  core, row machine, TRX and some crazy ab thing with the stability ball called " the triple threat".

By the end of the first session I decided Cody ( Commander) and I were no longer friends.

He commended me on my deadlift form so that was good.

Other than that 

I hate myself for having signed up AND PAID for 12 expensive private sessions.

Commander and I have another date for an hour session on Friday.

I'm 52

All the women at work, young and old get Botox and filler....

I refuse.

Facials and Lash extensions 

(this is what happens when the Dr you work for owns an aesthetics/plastic center connected to your surgery center.

DISCOUNTS DISCOUNTS DISCOUNTS

I refuse.

I swear I will age ( duh) 

I'm not fighting it....

But I will keep my body and heart as healthy as possible.

I'm typing this as I drink a Vodka in bed.

So, Friday it is....

Workout #2

I'm pretty sure anger is not going to drive me to be more productive....

but you know what will?

Embarrassment 

Fear of Failure

Self Hatred 

there we have it

Self Care

Girl, Ya think ya got it?

Hey,Ya 

I might got it

Write ya later,

Your 29% luscious fatty girl,

M

Keeping Promises to Myself

 They, whoever they is, claim that selfcare is really important 

ya know....you can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself.

So, with that said, me and my extra 10 pounds, YES 10 pounds !!! decided to seriously get back to something....anything...and I'm easily influenced....so when my run keeper decided I should train for a marathon I clicked "ok".

Not my smartest moment.

I'm on week 2 (just started)

today was a slow 2 mile run.

I chose the bike path which was infested with these weird mosquito, flying silverfish things.

Pretty sure I ate about 30.

Here is one I hacked up about 2 hours post run.

It was stuck to my Uvula.

I'm vegetarian, this is not a good breakfast for me.

yuk

This was part of my view.

Very lovely, but did not make the 2 miles anymore enjoyable

and here is how I gelt

SLOW

Will it ever come back?

I don't know.

But I do know I want to stay on track for a while with making a commitment to myself and keeping it.

Me first.

me me me

no excuses.

I'll keep ya posted

m

Learning to adjust a twatty attitude

I had a different topic I was going to write about tonight, but I have had a few things on my mind which I need to address for myself.

As of late I am trying to own my person.  It is not easy because my person, me, is a twat.

Part of this, owning me, is coming down to lots of change that is a bit uncomfortable and extremely difficult because I am not one to give up what little bit of control I have of my fraying self.

I have been attempting to own my mistakes and acknowledge faults which are being pointed out to me. I have told myself there is no excuse for my behavior regardless of my hurt and pain. The way I have started to work on this is by first telling myself that I have made it this far. I have to look at myself everyday and see the faults in the mirror, but those faults, those looks, the features, the glasses, the hair, the wrinkles, the unattractive hands, breasts, vagina, cellulite and feet are me.

No matter how many miles I run....they will still be there.

 I will still feel like the woman who was told she will never be loved like she wants, satisfied, or happy enough with anything....

That I am too much of a problem, too hard to love, even if the person wants to.

2/9/19

Knowing this is hard, hearing it is harder, living it is absolutely soul breaking.

I have so much to say about all of this....

At work the other day I got called to the office for a poor attitude.  

Imagine that. 

This has been on repeat for what seems like too long. The turning point was not when work boss told me to make a correction ( being clear to point out that the patients I care for have nothing but great things to say about me and the people I work around say my skills are among the top)

but it was when someone I love dearly told me I make others the bad guy, and always assume the worst. 

I couldn't take it anymore.

I knew he was right because I felt so hurt, so embarrassed and just shitty.

shitty

I was thankful he called me out...and hurt me hard enough to make me think.

I can only move forward one day at a time and try to do better and to apologize. 

Learning to let go of control is going to be difficult for me. My work ethic is stronger than most and I get irritated when people do not do things as they should be done...

But this is not my position to correct people, my job is to work the way I work and be the person I hope will stand out.

I also cannot assume everyone is out to hurt me. I need to start letting people love me and trust that they actually care about me. 

Control is what has allowed me to survive a rough young adult life, a few traumas, divorce, single parenthood, loss, and my own hatred.

Letting go of control might allow my attitude to soften and to trust that someone will be there when I stumble, because of now, my answer to everything is , " I'll just do it myself. "

And that is not really what I want. 

I really do not

I want to be able to ask for help, as much as I help others.

To let someone lead me.

To learn not to demand, as I was taught as a young girl, but to allow it to happen.

My person is tired of taking care of everything and it needs a break.

That might be the first step to helping this twatty attitude change.

letting go.

why does it take so long to learn this shit?

Write ya later,

m

Appropriate Response is.....

When someone says you look pretty, the appropriate response is not, 

" Did someone tell you to say that to me?" 

The appropriate response, so I have been told is, 

"thank you very much".

That is all for today.   

Just a little lesson I learned this week.

write ya later,

m

Treating myself to something nice...maybe

Canon Rebel XS 10-Megapixel Digital SLR

not sure if I deserve it, but I was thinking of getting something which will take nice pictures, not go out of date in 1 year and be fairly easy. I have a rebel 35mm camera (film) and I like it, but film is so ...OUT...now...i guess an upgrade is due.

I am still toying with the idea. If I do this that means I have to organize all my pictures. have things in the right places ....I do love to take pictures, I just don't like the editing and storing.

It's a big purchase for me (Miss Tightass).
Jen @ jenniferburnsphotography
Jen Burns Photography website
helped me with this decision. so I went to the website to make my purchase and they are not accepting orders right now!!! I'm going to get buyers remorse before I even purchase.

what kind of cameras do you have?