yo...heeeyyy. 2020

because it is the day 1 of the new year....

I could feasibly start 365 days.  

ya know...the better countdown.  

 I always find it difficult starting in the middle of the year.

so lets start here 

Hiked Mount Sanitas and saw these prefect pinecones.

It was a beautiful day, temp was above 37 and the sun shining. 

It helped clear my mind.

New Year New You...

I believe this may be a bit of bullshit, yet I still often buy in.

I want change. I want to be a better version of me....

and sometimes for me I need to set goals.

Ya know...

a vision board.

This year I have been doing some life changes.

the weirdest part of this is how many others feel the need to be part of my life changes.

Many who were dear friends who I now realize are not the people I had thought they were .  Im thinking they aren't the people they pretend they are either.

When people have dramatic change, such as divorce...we don't need people to start passing judgment and being dicks. Needed are friends who realize, "hey, maybe I don't know the entire story....maybe I am being a bit hypocritical....maybe I should help be supportive and just be here."

I haven't found this to be the case.

pretty funny.

People who have not a lot of wiggle room to pass judgement on a situation they will never know the closed door stories to, and really don't need to know, or better yet....should have no reason to even want to know.

It's amazing how many people are super invested in my personal life right now, but only the shit show part.

A significant person in my life states,

"this too shall pass....they will come around and love you again."

let me say something.

I am a grand person.

I love hard, I support people, even when I may not agree 100%, I can say I give more than I receive and I like it that way.

At tis point I am being asked to attend functions where I may cross paths with these wonderful people I had loved so much who have chosen to not even ask what happened....

I am to be kind and smile....

and let them come back around?

hmmm

funny thing is...

even at 50

I'm afraid I might pop one in the nose or even worse,

I'll pop off at the mouth.

I don't think I want them in my life....

even if they do "come around"

is it worth it.

and what the hell keeps me from yelling all the shit I know...?

about my situation, which hasn't been stated....and about all these hypocrites who feel they are way more righteous than me?

I bite my tongue everyday.

funny thing is....

I am just sitting here.

living.

smiling....

working....

waiting....

I refuse to let this take over my life.

as a good man said to me

" the best revenge is living a happy life"

I'm trying.

new year new me?

well it's day 1

let's see how this red carpet unrolls.

and yes....

Karma is a bitch...

her and I are friends....

we are quite familiar....

my karma received will be worth every stress given into it.

xo,

write ya later

m

Learning to adjust a twatty attitude

I had a different topic I was going to write about tonight, but I have had a few things on my mind which I need to address for myself.

As of late I am trying to own my person.  It is not easy because my person, me, is a twat.

Part of this, owning me, is coming down to lots of change that is a bit uncomfortable and extremely difficult because I am not one to give up what little bit of control I have of my fraying self.

I have been attempting to own my mistakes and acknowledge faults which are being pointed out to me. I have told myself there is no excuse for my behavior regardless of my hurt and pain. The way I have started to work on this is by first telling myself that I have made it this far. I have to look at myself everyday and see the faults in the mirror, but those faults, those looks, the features, the glasses, the hair, the wrinkles, the unattractive hands, breasts, vagina, cellulite and feet are me.

No matter how many miles I run....they will still be there.

 I will still feel like the woman who was told she will never be loved like she wants, satisfied, or happy enough with anything....

That I am too much of a problem, too hard to love, even if the person wants to.

2/9/19

Knowing this is hard, hearing it is harder, living it is absolutely soul breaking.

I have so much to say about all of this....

At work the other day I got called to the office for a poor attitude.  

Imagine that. 

This has been on repeat for what seems like too long. The turning point was not when work boss told me to make a correction ( being clear to point out that the patients I care for have nothing but great things to say about me and the people I work around say my skills are among the top)

but it was when someone I love dearly told me I make others the bad guy, and always assume the worst. 

I couldn't take it anymore.

I knew he was right because I felt so hurt, so embarrassed and just shitty.

shitty

I was thankful he called me out...and hurt me hard enough to make me think.

I can only move forward one day at a time and try to do better and to apologize. 

Learning to let go of control is going to be difficult for me. My work ethic is stronger than most and I get irritated when people do not do things as they should be done...

But this is not my position to correct people, my job is to work the way I work and be the person I hope will stand out.

I also cannot assume everyone is out to hurt me. I need to start letting people love me and trust that they actually care about me. 

Control is what has allowed me to survive a rough young adult life, a few traumas, divorce, single parenthood, loss, and my own hatred.

Letting go of control might allow my attitude to soften and to trust that someone will be there when I stumble, because of now, my answer to everything is , " I'll just do it myself. "

And that is not really what I want. 

I really do not

I want to be able to ask for help, as much as I help others.

To let someone lead me.

To learn not to demand, as I was taught as a young girl, but to allow it to happen.

My person is tired of taking care of everything and it needs a break.

That might be the first step to helping this twatty attitude change.

letting go.

why does it take so long to learn this shit?

Write ya later,

m

my first Merino

reminded me of fall grass...so I got it...no help from anyone.

We just got back from the Boulder County Hand Weaver's Guild and I was not impressed.

First of all, no one would help me, and I would be more vocal about it, but I feel like maybe I should be nice.  I'll say this, a bunch of old bittys.  Was it because I wasn't wearing my fancy felted shoes, or one of those ugly old lady vests?  Whatever.  I still bought this...It was 25$ (is that too much, I don't even know)  I honestly don't even know what to do with the stuff, except say I have it.

I ask one of the ladies if I could snap a picture of all her beautiful packages of fluffy unspun yarn...

She looked at me and said , NO.

I said it is for my blog I'll list your website and you know it's like free advertisement.

No...I'm an artisan, I don't want people copying my dye lots.

Yea yea ya old twat.

So when I got home I went straight to Ravelry to renew my faith in knitting and such...

Shew, thank god there are cool people there.

so here's my new yarn, I'm not telling you the store or the website of where it came.

Now...you guys got any ideas of what I can do with 4 oz of Merino?

love ya...

out to reseed the yard