365 Days : Come Sail Away

FOMO

Fear of Missing Out

Sums me up.

Although this is a weird picture of my otherwise usually adorable ass, I was not missing out on this day.

Days like this are good good days.

see ya at the lake,

m

365 days : post trauma mulch therapy

A dear friend sent me an article about marriage and divorce this past week, amongst all of my family strife and trauma. I always read and or listen to whatever people send my way because:

1. they thought enough of me to send it

2. it may help

The article made me think about no matter how much life education you get you can always use a bit more help and maybe someone with a little better track record to tell you

"you are moving the correct direction."

But, My mind is a bit full right now and as I read I thought...

Does this shit really matter?  We all end up in the same place anyways....dead.

Bettering myself for who?

Me? 

When someone says to you, "You must love yourself, in order to be loved..."

I call bullshit....Makes me laugh

Look at Charles Manson....

he's a piece of shit, but people love him

oh, but wait, 

He loved the shit out of himself.

...Back on track...

Does changing my entire life at 50 even make a difference to anyone?  

Yes, I need to make myself happy, and I am working towards that, but even when my change in status happens, will there be a change?

that is the 500k question.

Three weeks ago I started private therapy sessions, to mainly see if I can correct this great sense of guilt and need to take care of everyone's needs short of my own...Also, I am working towards some life changes which I am finding extremely difficult because of the first issue of guilt.

My new therapist pre-warned me she accidentally says "fuck" sometimes and contrary to her flowey, hippy, royal colored outfit, I really connected.

She let me cry about my recent trauma my son experienced which has left me fearing for his life and my poor parenting skills.

Then she asked me about my life.

Why do I go back and forth on things like a poorly operated amusement park ride?
Me:

"It's not good...but it's not horrible....I won't die if I stay where I am at....but my soul may die...."

She looked me right in the eye and said ...

"WTF?"

shit or get off the pot.

quit overthinking...get out of your overworking brilliant mind and connect with life.

She asked me to make a grand change , but not too grand, before I came back to see her.

So that night, moving quickly, so that I did not have time to dwell.

I quit my job and took a closer job, with more pay, at something I have never done before in my life.

barely told anyone.....just sent the resignation and the acceptance letters all in less than 20 minutes...

then thought I would literally die...

dead....

but I did not.

I took a breath and thought about what my son is going through and said ,

"grow a fucking pair, M....this is just daily life...not death or anywhere close....ya silly twat"

Next she asked how my parental family interacted....

I said, "they are dead" so I'm good there.

oh!? you want to know their interaction when I was growing up?

yeah.  

My mom was a caregiver for my dad who had Alzheimer's for as long as I can remember....

she pretty much sacrificed the best time of her adult life to make sure Dad was safe, loved and cared for in a dignified manner.

..."So, your mom was a caregiver for your dad and 12 kids...she never left because 1. she loved him...and 2. she owed him for taking care of her when they met? ....hmmmm, M...does that sound familiar to you?"

fuck holes.  

"maybe"

Why are you not mad about your current situation?  I see an intelligent, attractive, funny, albeit overthinking, very available woman, with quite a bit to offer, that is getting nothing in return.,,,

Why have you not gotten angry? why ?

Go home...

do one big task and think about the rest...

I'll see you in 2 weeks.

one week...

task one completed but still unable to address the main situation.

I have quietly been laughing at myself.

trying to get back into my normal life post the last few weeks.

Working out, running, taking a million pictures no one sees, writing, actually riding my Moto....and connecting with people who have been trying to connect yet I have closed them out.

It feels pretty good and soothing...not stressful.

questioning if this is apathy...that I don't care what he will think....or is it the start of a fuller independence?

Independence wise I threw 80 bags of mulch down around the huge ass yard, because this is what you do around here....I packed more things in case I want to just walk away.

looked at studios and such even though people say....

you shouldn't move...

you should get to stay.

maybe I don't want to 

4/8/19

post mulch...no makeup...no filter...just me...

Feel free to offer any advice, article , love, you may have in the comments.

I'm open.

my heart is open.

my humor is there....

ha

write ya later,

m

wishing

We were back here today.

Frolicking our beer calories away.

Laughing and smiling and not worrying about a thing.

I need one more get away before this summer ends, just one more...