Random Writings and Thoughts

My inspiration.

For running, not beard growth.

although at my age that beard may be possible.

 
December 
and I have been dreaming...
dreaming of running.
I'm running and 
I can breathe and 
I don't struggle and 
I remember what it is like ....
to feel...
 my strong legs again
my strong core 
the feeling of power in myself.

But ....it was just a dream. 

Two nights in a row I dreamt about it.

Two nights...

I decided to stop feeling sorry and at least try something. 
So, a measly mile, or so, a few times a week. 
Hey, it's better than nothing....
Although, my brain doesn't think it's better than nothing.

I laugh at the old pictures of me

me...

So strong in body, yet...

weak, so weak, in heart 

The stronger I became physically

the weaker I actually became in my ability to live my best life.

Now,

Happy and not as physically strong

but I have gained 

Me...

me

mine

My voice and true opinions

and it's ok.

The people I have surrounded myself with

love and I believe, 

respect me and my opinions.

Still forever thankful for the person who continued to tell me I was beautiful.

I was stronger than I knew

and for the people who stuck by me.

the ones I don't need to see every day

to know that they are there and 

I am here.

What a great life it is becoming

it really is.

now off for my run.

xo,

m

quarantine day 6751 "what's in there?"

or, you know what ???

Pick a number because who the hell knows.

So, now the fun game has become

"Whatever shall we eat?"

In case you didn't know, 

there is a pandemic going on.

and the fridge basically looks like this:

Except add beer and old cheese....

The cupboard looks worse...

egg noodles, spices, vinegars and ramen....and a few cans of tomatoes

what does one make?

Every day it is a question of if we may starve to death 

(not really)

 but that is the game we play.

Tonight:

spaghetti sauce

sauté all appropriate left over veggies

garlic, onion, bell pepper, carrots (all chopped small)

cherry tomatoes (which I had thrown in the freezer for soup or this)

2 cans organic tom sauce

1 can diced toms

oregano

basil

red pepper flakes 

salt, pepper, dash of sugar ( I don't know...my mom always did that)

and simmer

I would normally run it through the blender but I'm quarantined away from house and there is no blender here.

I believe in a past life I was in the depression because I hate wasting food or throwing stuff away.

It gives me stress when people don't eat leftovers...

or constantly eat out and never cook.

I am deemed essential....I am a nurse,

BUT

I am not an ICU nurse so my essentialness is limited even in this time of need...

I am a critical care nurse who has chosen to work procedural, so funny enough,

my hours have been cut drastically.

Where we are in Colorado the pandemic is not as severe...

possibly temporary, but as for now,

being a procedural and surgery nurse has saved me.

We do take patients about 2x a week and they are from the outside, not from within the hospital,

which is even a bit more scary because we really have no idea if they are really healthy or sick when they walk through the doors.

Because of this I have chosen to stay away from my home because my ex has severe asthma 

and as much as I am not on good terms with him ,

we still reside in the same house ( yes it is stressful if you are wondering)

, and I would feel awful if he became ill because of me.

When I get to the house in which I stay

I strip down in the garage

have my clothes put directly into the washer on hot

and dash to the shower

shoes, badges etc get a wipe down

and remain in the garage.

then I hope I haven't spread anything anywhere.

It's similar to Russian roulette 

It's the new norm

slightly comical

and a bit like living on the edge

This pandemic got us all nuts.

I even put a soft boiled egg on the pasta.

crazy ....

I think 

Carole Fucking Baskin mademe do that

That Biaaaatch.

xo,

from quarantine hell

write ya later,

M

What the Fuck Chapter are We On?

He was yelling in pain...but I think it was mostly fear.
He had all ready told me how nervous he was.
How much anxiety he had....
and I said, "it's a fast procedure, I'm gonna be standing there with you in the room....Don't worry, we will take good care of you"

Fact: eye surgery is scary as fuck for people.
It causes anxiety
It is not usually painful, at all....
but it IS scary....because you are usually awake

As the Dr started the procedure he yelled and screamed, a grown man....I rolled my eyes.
We explained we were giving more medication....
he whimpered and yelled out.
The Surgeon finally said, " we can't go on if you keep doing this....it's microsurgery and if you move it can be really serious."
He cussed at her.
As the nurse in this operating room, I chart and manage the patient the best I can....it usually involves a bit of silly banter as I clean their face for sterile field...and sometimes a reminder that they can't move....you know, because the surgeon has little tiny tools in the patient's eyeball and one wiggle is like an earthquake....so you do the math.

This guy would not hold still. ... I finally left my area and walked around the bed and said , "Dave, it's Myssi, the nurse who washed your face....I know you can't see me but do you hear me?"
Yes...
I walked to the side of the bed....I reached under the blankets and I found his big old biker hand, which was clenched into a fist ripping the blankets from the bed....
The surgeon continued to try to work, but with all the movement, she was mostly yelling along with the patient....
I put my hand on his hand and wiggled my fingers into his big paw, and didn't say a word.  I just squeezed his hand and gently let him take a minute to know I was holding his hand....I gave it a big squeeze, he squeezed back and I looked at the surgeon and gave a nod.   "Dave, breathe for me....nice and slow and just breathe". his hand loosened around mine a bit, and he started to slowly exhale...." don't hold your breath....I'm right here like I said....and I'm gonna breathe with you....and we are going to get that eye fixed"
We finished the surgery.  Dave squeezing the the heck out of my hand.
After it was all over, and we were cleaning the room...the surgeon came up to me and laughed....
"you are really good at what you do...sometimes ,we (doctors) ,overthink things."
I said, "Sometimes it's not medicine we need ....it's just a simple thing like holding a hand and letting them know they aren't alone ....all the years in school, they didn't teach you that? come on....I could have saved ya some money :) "
"yeah, well thanks....I think that is why we have nurses."

The point of this post....
We all need a hand to hold and squeeze at some point.
Right now, my life is changing...I'm questioning everything, but along with this I have things I need to take care of.
I have a doctors appointment which has taken up much of my thoughts.

I have been clearing room, as I have tried to explain to a few people.

Am I making mistakes by pushing them away? I'm not sure. The burden is real. Just as I told someone tonight:
My story is all ready written,
I really just need to know what chapter I am on before I move in any direction.
Are we in the start of the second chapter? or is this the finale?
let me get the cliff notes so that I can figure this out.
Let me move slow to make sure there is a clean place for everything new that is coming at me.
so that I'm not piling it onto the same dirty area...
and man, I have made some dirty areas lately.
I'm listening...
I am here,
I hear you....
can you find my hand in the dark?

xo,
write ya later,
m


ps.  I hope this is Part 2....

don't be a boob

It is coming up to my 5 years, post atypical cell growth in my right booby. 

Cancer.  

I'm not to worry because they said it was clean margins when they removed a 2"x 4" part of my tit.

So, why do I worry?

Because I'm a nurse and I deal with cancer diagnosis' every day.  What I do know is that cancer is never cured, you are never a winner. if you live long enough it comes back.  Maybe not in my boob....but probably somewhere else.

When I went through all this, I did it pretty much alone.  I did not want to worry my family. To this day, my kids still don't know. I waited until the surgery to tell my other half.  Post surgery I was to start chemo and do mammograms every 6 months.  I did a bit of soul searching and with talking to my oncologists,  opted to not continue treatment.  The answer was that it is a 75% chance that it will return within 5-10 years with no treatment.  Because it was a clean catch and not ductal or lymph nodes I chose to not participate.  It's been fine. 

5 years is January.

 ( after the surgery .... this was called a breast saving mastectomy....they take a big scoop out and leave everything else.  Mine was not ductal , I was lucky)

This past few months I have noticed a lump in 

the same breast.  But not too big.  I have lumpy boobs anyways so I am not going to stress until the new year when it is time for my mammogram.  

For people who aren't aware ....here is what you can look for in breast changes

No need to worry....

But I do worry.  I have some underlying bone pain in weird places, I have lost a bit of weight and I have a weird feeling.  (yes a weird feeling).

I will make an appointment with the dermatologist, pretty sure I need some business on my pasty skin corrected too. 

5 years.  

I'm going to just go with it.  I guess the best advice is to cross that bridge when I get there.  I'm not sure I can walk across that bridge alone this time.   

I'll just hope for no bridge....zip.... 

clear my mind....

don't worry

my boobs are real....but this is funny

write ya later, 

m

Thoughts from the reaper

Past few days....

Wow, I really haven't had enough sex....or sex with people I want to have sex with
Why do I always put off vacation?
I wish my backyard was fixed up nicer.
Maybe I should tell the kids now so that they will be nicer.
Should I go to Disney World?
Fuck workin out!
Let's hire a maid.
Is that pain anxiety or do I all ready have mets?
Please make sure people I know tell funny stories about me instead of sad morose shit.
damnit, my motorcycle isn't even finished and I haven't been to Sturgis.
Thank god I didn't go back to school this year.
I should just eat sweets from here on out.
I miss my mom.

These are the kind of things you think of while waiting for a diagnosis.
I think a lot about the sex part.   I think waiting is making me horny....or maybe it's all the
hormones....whatever the case.... I really should not have been such a prude my entire life

Well
I'll write ya later
Xo ,
M

Damn Boobs

I never win anything, but last week I did.  I won a call back for a second mammogram.
I know, I know...it eventually happens to everyone.  At least that is what I've been told.
They called me at work to tell me they found some Microcalcifications in my right boob, could I please schedule a follow appointment as soon as possible.

Uhmmmm
ok

so after a quick 20 minutes of googling I decided to make the appointment and not worry too much, after all...everyone eventually gets a call back.

I called a few people, whom I consider friends, and they all said the same thing, "Don't worry.  It's scary but I had to do the same thing and it was ok...Benign, nothing."

i took that info for what it was worth, continued to google my situation and decided to not fear the reaper until I had heard his tap.

Yesterday I calmly drove myself to the Woman's Center, followed the kind receptionists directions to clean under my armpits and breasts, put on the soft pink flannel robe, and head into the nice serene waiting room.  I sat there with 2 other woman who looked put out by their yearly mammogram.  All of us sitting in our pink robes with our tell tale signs of what we do for work peeking out.  The lady next to me with her nice slacks and expensive boots, next to her a set of scrub pants and clogs, and next to her, yoga pants and well manicured toenails.  All of us waiting to stroll into the next room.

"Myssi?"
Yeah, yeah...I'm ready.

The clean little room was familiar, seeing how I had just been here 1 week ago.  The radiologist tech asked me if I understood why I was here.
Yes, although I did not do too well in the cancer part of nursing school or radiology if you want to know so could you refresh me.

" They, meaning the Drs found a cluster of little calcifications on your breast.  they are tiny and grouped together like a constellation.  If they were big dots and even on both sides we wouldn't think anything, we would assume that is what your body does as it ages.  But since yours is grouped the way it is and we know it showed up within the last 4 years we want to get a magnified picture and look"

Ok.  Got it.
She was beyond kind as we smashed my boob every which way to Friday.  I chuckled as she grabbed my nipple and stretched my boob to it's limit and smashed to tissue paper thickness.  She smiled and said, "Well, I'm going to ask you not to get dressed and head back to the waiting area while I have the radiologist look at your slides"
I waited....
I waited 30 minutes...then 45 minutes...ladies came and went ...smiling....what about me?
shew...here she comes.
"Myssi?  The Dr wants to get one more view"
what?  my poor boob.  Ok  Back in.  this time she asks me to get on a table and throw my boob up onto a boob table and she smashes it from my armpit down.   Ouchie.  
"That should be good, lets have you go back out to the waiting area. "
wait , wait, wait....30 minutes more
"myssi?....I just want you to know that the radiologist wanted to call another dr for your slides.  Please don't worry, they just want to look them over together."

OK...don't worry...
The lady next to me, reading an old National Geographic, leaned over and said "First Callback?....Don't be too scared, remember it's only breast.  I'm on a callback too"

Another 30 minutes passed and the RN came out and waved me to the partition.   "Myssi, the Dr. would like you to come to his office so that we can talk to you.  We usually let people get dressed but he has the other Dr on the phone conferenced in, so let's just head over there now."  she smiles and puts her hand on my back.
Do I panic now?  No.  Be strong...it's just the office....nothing ever good happens when you get called to the office...ever.
The office was dark and tight, 5 big screens of my boobs were on the desk top monitor.  Wow...they look good lit up like that, nice shape....
"Have a seat.  Dr Booby, Myssi is here as is the RN I think we can talk now."
"So, your last mammo was about 4 years ago.  And just for the record you did nothing wrong by not having a yearly mammo.  There was no indication that you would have needed another.  Here is your last one up against your new ones."
I looked at them.  4 years ago.  smashed boob with lots of spider web looking colors, nothing spectacular....the new one....there it was.
"Myssi do you see this?  This is new, it is clearly something.  Right here is the older one, right here is the exact same spot on the new slides....see these little dots?"

"Fuck me" under my breath.

"We (the Doctors) have discussed this together so that we could give you the best advice.  Now most of the time, 85% of these are nothing.  We would just suggest a sit and wait for 6 months then get another mammogram and see if it changes.  But because of the shape and the time frame of us not knowing if this happened 6 months after your last mammogram or last year we suggest we don't delay any more treatment."  I sat in dumbfounded silence.  Smiling..."yes, ok...yup...that sounds reasonable"  "Our scheduling team is here today.  Joy, can you walk her over to scheduling and get her scheduled in?  Myssi, the biopsy may very likely show nothing.  It often does.  But we should make sure and get a definitive answer.  If it is cancer/precancerous cells we can start treatment quickly."  The Dr on the phone said " It would be our best advice for you right now, But please don't worry."
Ok...thank you Drs...thanks...
No tears or thoughts...i just told them thank you.
The Rn gently put her hand on my back and took me to the dressing rooms, " Let's get you dressed.  Take your time, you are my only patient today so I'll wait for you in the waiting area and we will get you scheduled.
I sat down on the pretty bench in the dressing room.  wow, really?  What happened to me having an early life heart attack?  How about that stroke I keep talking to my cholesterol levels about?  Really ?Breast Cancer?  That is stupid.  That was not on the table!
I got dressed and shook my head at the mess I was looking at in the mirror.  Ridiculous.
We scheduled the appointment for the biopsy. I was surprised how quickly they got me in.  literally in less than 4 days.  "We always keep a few slots open for callbacks"  Good, I guess...She handed me a pamphlet on breast cancer and biopsies and a phone number in case I needed to talk to someone...she handed me a list of things to do and not do before the procedure, and then looked me up and down and said , "you won't be able to workout for a week or so...or run, or lift...or whatever you do to stay fit.  We will see you next week."
That was it.  I said thank you, smiled and she took my arm and walked me from the office....like guiding a blind person.

the sun was blinding.
I sat in the car and looked at myself in the mirror.  wow...today was not the best day to give up drinking for Lent.

 haven't said anything.... I will wait for that Biopsy, which everyone online has assured me will be ok and it will show nothing.  But on the inside there is a bit of uneasiness.  A feeling of doom.

I put on my lipgloss, sunglasses, and drove myself to the brewery....where everyone knows my name :)   and had a beer and said nothing.


xo,
m

Friday...and 2 hours to go

Hell to the Yeah...Because of NO MANDATORY OVERTIME....I will be leaving in about 2 hours approximately 9 am, right about the time my coworkers roll in. Hee Hee...Today I'm leaving the work for them....

Yesterday I went and bought the

so my butt can look like this:

Synda and I did the moves in the living room as my 12 yearold and his buddy had to be directed to LEAVE>>>GO AWAY!!!!!.
I plan on running today, and trying to eat properly. 60 days til beach.
Everything is toning up, yet we can't quite figure out how to get rid of the layer of Mom Belly. (Synda, we really should take a picture so people know what we are talking about) . Synda pointed out yesterday, that if we had started working out this hard right after the babies were born (5 years ago) we would be looking bangin' right now. No kidding. But we were in denial and now we pay the price.
The funny thing about the Jackie Video was : everyone had spray tan abs. We need those...they should sell the spray tan with the video...they would sell more videos, I'm sure of it!
Between the fake lesbian boobs and the spray tan I couldn't quit giggling...
but as far as review of the workout...it's the exact same...and I mean EXACT as SHRED. We are thinking that possibly Jillian Michaels and Jackie were Lesbian Lovers...makes it all that more interesting huh?
Picture it...picture it...see it in your mind

now let it go...

I will quit droning on....Later today I am going to do a Workout Giveaway...so check back :)

Denver? #1?

So, my little neck of the woods was voted the #1 wanted place to live...meaning when they surveyed people, they said if they were to move they would pick ...here.
I'm sure you have all seen Dumb and Dumber
This is my drive on my way into work. This picture doesn't sum it up...but when the sun hits those flatirons they glow, when the snow is on them, they look like sugar dusted cookies, and the sky above is always this amazing blue...except at sunset when it is a crazy pink-orange.
To my left, as I drive , there is open space where this time of year they have grass fed cows just enjoying the fields...not feed lots. Open space and cattle. Very nice to see as I drive in.

We keep it a bit of a secret around here. It's nice and as much as we sometime complain about how cold it is....it's really not bad. Last week we hiked in 70 degree weather, without having to drive 40 miles , and then it snowed the next day. Here are just a few things that we have which makes us pretty cool.

Rockclimbing at the Flatirons...or anywhere in Boulder for that matter

We have Champagne Powder
and not 100 miles away...You can go to Eldora (less than 35 minutes) and still get a pass for the day for about 40$. Or you can head to Vail, Breck, Loveland,Aspen, Copper,A-Basin, Winterpark, Mary Jane...see what I mean?

If you don't snowboard or ski...you can TUBE...it's so much fun...picture the big black tube, dragged up the mountain and drunkards flying down at high rates of speed...fun for EVERYONE.
OR you can just lodge it...dress, drink and sit in the lodge enjoying the live music and people watch while your friends burn calories on the hill. (in the Spring we do this in our bikinis at ABasin)

You can practice your Kayaking skills

Denver skyline and the bike path....all the way from Cherry Creek to Downtown. A very popular summer activity.
We aren't just Granola out here. We have a killer nightlife.
Some of the best Dj's come through Denver. We have great local bars, clubs, dives and killer local live music.

Is Art your thing...we have the DAMM free every first Saturday of the month.
You can enjoy Art at it's finest in one of the coolest locations in the US.
We also have First Fridays...Cocktails, art and people walking the Art Districts in all areas...
mingling, learning and enjoying the areas.

On top of all that activity you can help your self to so many Microbrews and Brewery tap houses it could keep ya busy for a month straight.
Something for everyone.

I thought about all of this on the way in this morning. We are pretty lucky. Soon it will be Spring, the cherry blossoms will be in bloom, fruit trees everywhere and 85 degree days and 55 degree nights. Buskers on the walking malls and outdoor movies for the families. I know I sound like a tourist board employee, but if you haven't visited...you should. The best way to do it is to know someone, who can show you the hidden places...not all the touristy stuff (although you gotta see that too). It's the place to be :)