Day #1 officially done. HOPE ?

I got up at 545 as instructed and went downstairs ready to go, signed the roster and waited.

we were told to go back up stairs we were on call.

good.  

I sat for a bit then I walked around.

got a few pictures.....

then decided I better figure out my food situation 

the city is literally shut down and there is delivery but it is a bit spotty

So I attempted to make it to the Target downtown

It was quite surreal, walking down Broadway and everything is closed

quiet....

pigeons literally ruling the roosts

fighting for garbage crumbs...

Times Square....just not what I expected and not nearly as big with no people...

Beautiful buildings, and lots of stuff to see, I almost forgot I was in the 

Big Apple with all the scary crime and such

The phantom was closed

I stood right here on a the street and took a picture as I walked at lunchtime to 

Times Square...

No One

Social Distancing

The Copa...

Neil Simon.....

and then there was this

yeah.  seems a little ironic right now...

we are afraid of everyone.

and everything

I'm back in my room at 430

I have a sandwich and I'll save half for tomorrow.

I spent the entire 76$ for the day's food today getting some supplies, so I'm hoping to make it a few days.

The more I sit and think the more anxiety I have.

Katie texted from her shift and I commended her on having her first day off in 14 (tomorrow)

and how strong she is...

she is almost done with her 21 day countdown.

so it seems doable 

obviously it is doable

just need to get started so I can say

"The sooner we get started the sooner we can be done"

Write ya later,

m

Listen:

" didn't know a friend could be so small and have a heart as big as the moon" s. rowe

💜

NYC and The Beast. (covid)

Packed and ready is a term I will use very lightly. As I packed and repacked, I said silent thank you to all the people who love to jump to the rescue.

I am speaking of my online family …

When I put the word out of what I needed, they were ridiculously bountiful.

It made me cry and laugh and I had to turn some stuff down.

Giving when someone you actually know needs something is different than when you hand over something to the Red Cross ( but keep doing that too).

Handing over to someone close to you gives you a sense of being able to help without the risk…

And I like that.

I received the scrubs I so desperately needed in the correct color and size…I have over 7 sets so I can not have to worry about washing them every day.

In each little gift I seemed to receive little bottles of liquor, which made me laugh ( y’all know me so well).

I received a handmade travel cup with my name and the Wonder Woman symbol so that I can drink said little liquors.

People stepped up to bring me PPE and N95….

Lots of kudos and love…

And above all 

Good vibes….

Maybe that was some of the best.

I am by no means a hero…I am a nurse….

Lately I have been lost and looking for a reason to have faith and a reason for not really getting up in the morning, but to keep a spark in my heart.

A friend said , “you may like to do travel nursing”

But I’m not super hip on changing my job and being away from my safe spot.

Then Covid….

Then hours cut…

Then surgery center shut…

Then furloughed…

And there I am. Sitting, 

an essential employee in any other situation

And unable to help.

Then a friend called and said I took a job….

NYC Covid relief

BUT

"Its 21 days straight, you don’t know anything until that day….

Call this number at 1 pm and keep trying …they take 400 nurses so just keep calling.”

When I dialed I said , “if I get through….It is meant to be…If not…thank goodness”

I got through in the first hour….was hired on the spot and asked if I could leave in 2 days.

It was so fast I had no time to think…and said yes.

Finished the few menial questions, hung up, and then freaked out.

Early that week I has done an online Full Throttle yoga class and the discussion of hope was to have “faith in yourself.”

Faith…in myself?

What an interesting thought and one in which I just really have a hard time with.  I know I am strong and able, but when it comes to faith, it waivers.  

So, as I am sitting on a plane with 9 other passengers, flying to what we call ground zero, in the middle of a pandemic, I am asking myself to have faith….and also to please help me not touch my face.

21 days straight starting tomorrow.

I’m not sure Ive ever done any work for 21 days straight….shit I’ve never done anything for 21 days straight….

I guess I will see how deep my strength, faith, meditation, and kindness can run.

I’m not alone….

I know that….let’s just hope my ability to connect is on it’s game for the next few weeks .

leaving Denver

 8 people on my SW flight. 

 So wish this was a fun trip...

look at tiny Lady Liberty

Pretty darn cool!

Write ya later

M

quarantine day 6751 "what's in there?"

or, you know what ???

Pick a number because who the hell knows.

So, now the fun game has become

"Whatever shall we eat?"

In case you didn't know, 

there is a pandemic going on.

and the fridge basically looks like this:

Except add beer and old cheese....

The cupboard looks worse...

egg noodles, spices, vinegars and ramen....and a few cans of tomatoes

what does one make?

Every day it is a question of if we may starve to death 

(not really)

 but that is the game we play.

Tonight:

spaghetti sauce

sauté all appropriate left over veggies

garlic, onion, bell pepper, carrots (all chopped small)

cherry tomatoes (which I had thrown in the freezer for soup or this)

2 cans organic tom sauce

1 can diced toms

oregano

basil

red pepper flakes 

salt, pepper, dash of sugar ( I don't know...my mom always did that)

and simmer

I would normally run it through the blender but I'm quarantined away from house and there is no blender here.

I believe in a past life I was in the depression because I hate wasting food or throwing stuff away.

It gives me stress when people don't eat leftovers...

or constantly eat out and never cook.

I am deemed essential....I am a nurse,

BUT

I am not an ICU nurse so my essentialness is limited even in this time of need...

I am a critical care nurse who has chosen to work procedural, so funny enough,

my hours have been cut drastically.

Where we are in Colorado the pandemic is not as severe...

possibly temporary, but as for now,

being a procedural and surgery nurse has saved me.

We do take patients about 2x a week and they are from the outside, not from within the hospital,

which is even a bit more scary because we really have no idea if they are really healthy or sick when they walk through the doors.

Because of this I have chosen to stay away from my home because my ex has severe asthma 

and as much as I am not on good terms with him ,

we still reside in the same house ( yes it is stressful if you are wondering)

, and I would feel awful if he became ill because of me.

When I get to the house in which I stay

I strip down in the garage

have my clothes put directly into the washer on hot

and dash to the shower

shoes, badges etc get a wipe down

and remain in the garage.

then I hope I haven't spread anything anywhere.

It's similar to Russian roulette 

It's the new norm

slightly comical

and a bit like living on the edge

This pandemic got us all nuts.

I even put a soft boiled egg on the pasta.

crazy ....

I think 

Carole Fucking Baskin mademe do that

That Biaaaatch.

xo,

from quarantine hell

write ya later,

M

Post Apocalyptic Bullshit

wow....

here we are....

as I contemplate should I put on Pjs or this:

I just can't decide.

I'm sure pretty soon we will all be resembling this:

My divorce is taking forever and I am stuck between two places, basically living in my own post apocalyptic hell.

As we maneuver through this Covid Crap I had hoped to be working more...

especially as as essential employee...

but as it worked out, elective surgeries are cancelled so I'm working emergent surgeries and at the hospital when needed.  

As of now,

our hospital is doing OK. so my PRN status is not being used.

With that said...

I was also hoping that these days off would give me some much needed respite and mind clearing, but instead has caused imense stress and anxiety.

I also hoped to be looking sexy in my Mad Max Pandemic Garb and possibly getting laid.

But my old friend Mother Nature has been more than helpful in making sure that would not happen.

Thanks Mother Nature, you cruel bitch.

So as I sit here and think about how much more of my life is being wasted waiting for a final divorce decree ( I think my lawyer has abandoned me)

I will design some outfits to make sure I stay virus free and sexy.

from my confined shelter in place area.....

wash yo hands, yo....

Write ya later  

m

enjoy this past , accurate look into our life now.

Please don’t tell me

roby dwi antono

please tell me this isn't my best life.

What a weird time it is, yet life must continue.

it must.

As a nurse I laugh daily....

as I take my temp for the billionth time before work

as they tell me " no masks are available"

as friends say " really?, you are going to go hang out with other friends?"

Yes...

Self distancing does not mean death or self destruction

or self isolation

we still must live.

My ex still sits on the couch every day.

same spot

same clothes

wont talk....

wont leave the house...

my house too 

yet I have been banned 

our divorce court date is pushed out to possibly June

Who has a fucking year long divorce?

me 

and him

at work ...

we closed today (surgery center) so I am moving to the hospital once again with people wishing me well and health.

but as a nurse I smile and go, and know that this is what my oath said...

care for others 

this is what we train for.

I am not alone.

at home my heart is with a man who apparently adores me and I can't quite figure it out

it is stressful and good at the same time.

Is it a joke? what the hell?

Is this what people really have in real life.....?

what I have been missing for all these years?

I am beside myself and baffled 

so, tonight t as I drink a vodka tonic and write I worry about the next few weeks.

I don't worry about my health....

I worry about others and the economy....

and how we will recover as a community,

healthcare workers will be fine

but will 

we 

all 

in the end?

xo

write ya later 

m