Post Apocalyptic Bullshit

wow....

here we are....

as I contemplate should I put on Pjs or this:

I just can't decide.

I'm sure pretty soon we will all be resembling this:

My divorce is taking forever and I am stuck between two places, basically living in my own post apocalyptic hell.

As we maneuver through this Covid Crap I had hoped to be working more...

especially as as essential employee...

but as it worked out, elective surgeries are cancelled so I'm working emergent surgeries and at the hospital when needed.  

As of now,

our hospital is doing OK. so my PRN status is not being used.

With that said...

I was also hoping that these days off would give me some much needed respite and mind clearing, but instead has caused imense stress and anxiety.

I also hoped to be looking sexy in my Mad Max Pandemic Garb and possibly getting laid.

But my old friend Mother Nature has been more than helpful in making sure that would not happen.

Thanks Mother Nature, you cruel bitch.

So as I sit here and think about how much more of my life is being wasted waiting for a final divorce decree ( I think my lawyer has abandoned me)

I will design some outfits to make sure I stay virus free and sexy.

from my confined shelter in place area.....

wash yo hands, yo....

Write ya later  

m

enjoy this past , accurate look into our life now.

the story begins

*** rude offensive material will follow this disclaimer…



I lived with him for less than a year.  One of those inbetween things that is supposed to make you feel good.  'Live a little' they told me, so I did.  I'm sure I have done crazier things in my life.
He was out of character for me.  Good looking, dumb, and large in stature, all the recovery items one would need per my best girlfriends.
I worked nights, he worked days (when he worked) ,and sometimes we met in-between, sometimes we just passed each other as we moved along.  One evening I came home to find him passed out on the couch.  Not atypical for him.  I kicked the couch and there was no movement.  "Hey, big, stupid dummy…you sleeping on the couch?"  No answer…good.
I walked over to turn the computer off.  I touched the mouse and up popped a full screen shot of a girls pantied crotch.
Figures.  Little pink panties in a picture that was taken via cell phone under a table.  Very artsy, Big Dummy.  Not surprised I just shook my head and chalked it up to loserville.  I scrolled the picture down.  Oh Big Dummy, an open chat session,too.  How crafty and suave you are.
This is where one story ends and true heart break
 begins.  A heart break of a life time.

girl:I cant wait for you to get here, baby.  My body is all yours
big dummy:Soon, Mama, soon….just have to get a bit more money and Ill be all yours
BD:I hate this place, this house and her ugly ass meat curtains.
g:Oh baby, soon you will never have to see those again…..




What did that say?  What the fuck?  Meat curtains?  What is that?..me?  After a few googles later I had a pretty clear image of exactly what meat curtains were and my heart sank.
Cruel bastard.
Who would say such a thing?

Up to this perfect trifecta of a moment in my life I had never even thought about my private parts.  They were fine to me.  I haven't compared them to many, thinking everyone is different, right?  Apparently not. A person I was occasionally sleeping with thought I was disgusting and had explained, in detail ,why that was, to another person.  Eeek Gads!
I glanced at the couch and thought about killing him. Lorena Bobbit his ass.  But my arms were stiff at my sides.  I walked over, tapped him on the shoulder, then kicked the one leg which was hanging from the couch and said,"Get out of my house"……
"Get your asshole self out of my house!"
BD:  "Oh Baby, what the hell?  what are you talking about?  come on…."  He glanced over at the computer and didn't say a word.

"Get your shit, take your car, and get out"

There was no real fight, no discussion, he got his small amount of belongings and walked out the door.  Passive aggressively leaving the computer on with Miss Pink Panty, non meat curtains, staring at me.

The computer, he left it all wide open for me( no pun intended) so that I could spend the next 5 hours reading explicit emails about myself; my ugly, deformed self.  The beginning of a lifetime story I'll never recover from, but has put me on a road to laughing at myself and learning what ugly really is…..
and let me just tell you….
its not just about my private parts…my meat curtains.


stay tuned…
m

I do what I have to do...

Right?

Right....

Here's what I did today.

I came home from work at 8 am, slept...then thought

I thought long and hard, and made a decision that I thought I would have liked to have happened when I was 15.

So, when Blue came home from school.  I took him to Floyds to get a haircut, which one I don't know, because for 25 dollars they really didn't cut much of anything...but whatever

Then to Target....

then I took this kid:

To Planned Parenthood....unbeknownst (sp?)

 to him.

He didn't act freaked or surprised, really.

We walked around the glass to the counter, where there was this adorable 20 something girl working.

"Hi, can I help you?"

"Yup, I'm bringing my son in here so he knows where his options are...if need be"

"Oh cool...well, right there to your left are condoms...free or donation....we can help with anything that you need...and there are a bunch of pamphlets on the wall...and there are some pamphlets about how to talk to your teens about sex....but I think you might have that one covered"  (big grin from her).

"yeah, Thank you   .....Blue, here are the condoms, not that you need these or will need them EVER, but if one of your "friends" may need one, or you guys have an issue you can come here, and they will help you, you know, if you are a bit confused...or whatever.   Buying condoms at the Walgreens is sometimes nerve wracking...so here, please be safe when you need to be."

He didn't get any, but he looked at the lady and said thanks...looked around, got his bearings and I could tell he was taking mental notes.

We got in the car and I said,"Just so you know there is another place to go, if you can't talk to me...but you can always talk to me.

"Thanks mom, it's cool"

I wish to God, my parents had given me more than trial and error when I was his age.

stupid stupid workouts

What happens when i stop working out?
Yes, I realize I am obsessed.  I like to pride myself in a non addictive personality.  When given the challenge I quit drinking.  Back in my twenties, I quit all drugs, cold turkey...cleaned up, because it was time.
I often stand in the mirror and look at myself, then I look around.  Usually there is no one in my bedroom so I take it to the street, in my mind.
( I do understand this may be offensive to some, sorry...it's my blog, get your own and pass judgement on me)
I meet naturally healthy people.  It's awesome.  Yet there is something that doesn't quite do it for me.  They often look strappy and thin, slightly withered and "unhealthy".  Too much vegan cheese?  I'm not sure.  I just can't be happy with it.
I look at people who at some point they have just stopped caring about size.  They seem happy.  I like it.  They have switched from bikini underwear to full bottoms....pants to skorts or better yet the smock.  Do their spouses look at them and wonder what happened?  Or is it such a slow progression that they don't notice?
I announced yesterday I am going to switch to smocks.  Where do I purchase one?  Bobby said, "No you won't...you would never allow yourself to wear a smock".
He's right.
I have noticed many men in their early 40's start really working out again.  Trying to recapture youth?  what do their wives think, "Fine, you run 100 miles I'll eat all these 100 calorie treats and we will see who wins."
hmmm
who wins?
For me things happen quickly.
If I stop caring...I can tell.  ( right now I can't get a brush through my hair)
If I stop running...in 3 weeks I can't run 3 miles. ( I blame it on my shoes)
If I stop working out at least 3 times a week, I can't breathe in the first 10 minutes of a workout. ( when this happens I grab a beer and sit down and watch)
Yesterday I started my p90x again.
I did legs and back....ie: squats and pullups.
today I can't get up and down the stairs.
tonight I will run.

take it for what it is.
let me just add one more thing to this nothing post of what is on my mind
If my other half weighed more than 121 pounds, possibly my life would be different.
I can't stand when my underwear are bigger than his.
It makes me want to die.

next post: lack of sex...drive

not a good start

this little girl, TonkaToy, will probably pass today. She is 14 I guess and not doing well. She has , what I believe, kidney failure and even though I knew this was coming it isn't any easier.
She couldn't get out of bed this morning. I whispered in her ear that it was ok to go to the big doggie daycare in the sky....I hope she isn't in pain, I sure know I am.
The kids said goodbye to her before we left today just in case.
I cried all the way to work
and at work...