Day 210: Selfies My Way

Day 210

green smoothie wreck

7/29/19

Green Smoothie: Spinach, (blah), green apple, strawberry, put butter, banana, whey protein powder, water....blend, chia seeds.

meal complete, sans chewing...

perfect for my nonchalant, sick of chewing attitude.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to take nice candid shots of me...ya know, just so when I'm missing they will find me...

If you were to look on B's social media or phone, or picture history you will find no mention (in pictures) of me.  There are many many pictures of Olive, of himself...his car, his guitars, amps....motorcycles....dog....

not me.

I asked him about this and he said his social media is for work.

Hmmm...ok. are tacos work?

What I believe to be true is that I am slightly under par according to him.

so we will leave it at that.

In return I take many of my own happy selfies...

the best being the "I don't care after workout/ run" selfies

 and leg and feet selfies ( because they are always cute).

They go lots and lots of places.

I have even contemplated a picture book of all the travels and countries I have photoed my feet.

not for anyone...just me....dont worry I won't be gifting those.

candid photos are a luxury because you have to have someone who sees something and who has the care to take a picture.

I take a ton of pictures and my favorites are the ones I take of my friends just being.

They hate it until I send them later.  

I often see them used as profile pics and such which makes me happy.

I'm careful to never post an unflattering picture because I feel that is a bit of a bummer and happens quite often when I'm looking at random shots on media.

capturing people in their form is a beautiful loving thing.

here are a few that make me smile.

 Kris ....old lady cartwheels....yes she was drinking

we call her Betty, and she is always smiling and gives the best hugs.

Photo ops....It wasn't my op, but I took advantage

This kid was funny...dog dish reinvented....

the Litas...I took this, they use it all the time...I'm not in it

my sweet work wife, Heather....ready for radiation

Pictures ....

Don't hate me for snapping so many, If I love you.....

I have pictures.

snap ya later,

m

Protection...a thing of the past?

Contrary to my passivity there was a time I was being raised differently.

I grew up in a family that hunted, ate meat every day, every meal, and farmed on the side.

I fished, put the night crawlers on the hooks, and cleaned the catch myself.

I gigged for bullfrogs with a fork and a broom handle and brought them home to eat.

I'm not even sure that I realized I was a girl.

I was told to be strong and that big girls don't cry.

My brothers had me shooting things and it was often quite comical.  Maybe this is when I decided killing things wasn't for me: here's that story in short form Pistol Packin Mama.

(If you thought I was going to go into some sort of diatribe about not eating meat, you were incorrect.

Not eating meat is just a choice I made as a teen. I ate tons of meat and probably still would if I had NOT been eating meat for so damn long now.  It is surely not political.  I just don't eat meat.  I taste things, I'd actually be a great meat eater ....It literally has just been so long I don't care for the taste.  As a young girl I ate everything from turtle, bullfrogs, squirrel, venison, occasional possum, and rare steak. So,... it was just a choice at a point....)

Anyways , now that we have that settled, back to my point.

I grew up with those 8 older brothers and a dad who were pretty manly. My dad always opened the door for my mom, did the dad things, man things, and my brothers were ALWAYS my protectors.

I guess, even short of women's liberation, I expect that from a man. I want to feel safe even if I was raised by a pack of wolves and can pretty much care for myself...I want to feel protected and safe.

About a year ago or so there was an incident where I was awakened in the middle of the night to what sounded like someone attempting to break in.  It was frightening.  I pushed the other person awake and said, "I'm calling 911.  something is happening...." the other person barely woke... I said, " should we go see? turn on the lights? make sure the door is locked? I gotta get the kid!"

he looked me right in the eye and said something to the effect, " What do you expect me to do?"

I said, "something!...at least get Olive"

no movement...so I took care of it.

This type of thing has happened before...

One time, Olive was just a wee one.  We were at a family pool party or something.... I was off getting something, the other half and the brother were mingling about with Olive.  Whatever happened happened....but when I turned around Olive ad fallen into the deep end of the pool, just like any nightmare, and I could not get there quick enough! Dad just stood there....stood there....Bubba finally jumped in, fully clothed, and grabbed his little sister by the arm and pulled her out.  Everyone was fine...except for me. 

Why didn't he jump in?  Why?  Later it was said something to the sound of, "Well, I had all my clothes on...she was fine"

It has often made me wonder that if something was to happen to me, would I feel safe...or is it another case of me not depending on anyone else? I have to be able to take care of myself....can't count on anyone.  I hate it.
I'm the kind of person who knows all the exits on the airplane and in the movie theaters and how I would save my family if there was a shooting or fire...
would my S.O. do that for us....or just save his self...I'm going to guess the latter.

I want to know the person I am with will know what to do if something happens...

Will take fucking charge.

I want to feel that if someone came after me, or if there was a Zombie Apocalypse I would have some back up.

 I know how to shoot, milk goats, stop a bleed, set a bone, cook, can, and could probably stab someone with a knife if need be ...but,.i don't want to do that, I need someone else to do the stabbing.  Is that too much to ask?

I never wanted guns in the home,or weapons, and I think that might stem from not trusting the people within the house with weapons, but when I know a man can manage weapons

 I feel safe.

 Actually, it's a bit of a turn on....

actually a big turn on.

Is it a turn on for a man to be able to protect? or a necessity?

Or would it be twice the turn on if a woman can shoot to kill on her own?

or does that emasculate a man?

Questions I want to ask 

When I took the defensive arms class, I was the only female.

I liked it...I liked holding the gun and the safety involved and learning something new.

I know plenty of women who shoot etc...it just was never a hobby I was super interested in pursuing, but now it seems as if it would be fun to revisit that hobby. Another thing to learn and attempt to master on my own.

Except I would have no idea where to start short of getting a book...and I sure as shit don't want to walk into some place looking like an idiot female to the man behind the counter ( assuming it is a man)

But...If i could master it....

I could then really feel confident in taking care of myself when I find myself alone.

and not have to worry so much about who is going to protect me when the zombies come.

xo,

m

short list

I'm so fucking mad right now.
frustrated and mad.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Where is my strength and confidence?

I need to get out of this situation.
Problem is, as I see it right now, I can't just leave.
But why can't I?

This has been an issue with me for 10 years....I should have left then
When I still had some opportunity for success.

Here's the big thing.
I have become the person I never thought I would be.
Looking outside this relationship is bullshit.
That is not me, obviously it is me....
But it is NOT me.
I cannot say I was pushed to this but I cannot live in a household where my friends have been banned, sex is non existent, and there is no laughter.

My list is short...
1. I want someone to talk to....about life, books, humor, current events....we don't need to agree, just discuss .  I like to feel like the person I am with has something to offer in the form of intelligence, and a will to teach and discuss. I like to learn....so teach me...I too may have something to offer.
2. I want someone to take control once in a while.  I'm exhausted from doing most for the house.  I want someone who shares their needs and participate within the relationship....not living their own life, then showing up for the meals and preplanned vacations.  This mine is mine and yours is ours is bullshit.  Step up, add something to the picture, hey....go buy toilet paper, when you run out, clean the toilet once in a while, spend some of your "personal secret money" on the relationship.  Plan something and don't  say...." I don't know....what do you want?"
.....talk about emasculation...this is where it starts...if you can't make a decision on your own....and I have to do it every time....I become the man of the household.....I DO NOT WANT THIS!!!!  equal is good...or even, you take control for a bit.  take the reins.   I'll support you.
3. I want sex.  Intimate sexy sex.... fucking, loving, anything...I want someone to laugh and slap my butt...and I'll tell you what...I'm the most affectionate person you will meet.  When I want and love someone....I'm all there.  I want to sleep next to someone who wants to curl up and be close to fall asleep.  someone who wants to have a quickie in the car.  Give and receive....sex, love, knowing, intimacy, heat , breath, touch....   I can't take this non affection anymore.   I want to kiss someone.
4. I would like to do things once in a while.... I am perfectly capable of doing things alone, I prefer to hang with the people I love....so being in a relationship but never participating in anything together is fucked. It's hard to continue to support one person when they don't care to make the effort to support you.  It's just not worth it.
5. I don't feel like asking people I want to hang out with ,to hang out with me anymore. It's fine. There really are plenty of interesting people out there.  Maybe I chose a few of the wrong ones.  I'm not going to beg, and please don't try to get back in when you realize I have moved on....
6. last but not least ....be present.


There , I said it.
with all that said, I have been stressed to the gills. Work is shit and I have been throwing my resume out there. I am not hip on learning a bunch of brand new work stuff right now....but will if I have to.
I have my 5 year mammogram coming up and I can feel a lump in the same boob as before. I haven't told anyone, so I thought I would say it here.  I'll find out what they have to say in March...I'm gonna hope it is just fibroid cysts and call it a day, because if I have to go through all that crap again this household is going to fold big time.

write ya later,

xo,

m

life ...knock ya down again

Life is great .  You roll like a pro for a while then life smacks you in the face , just so that you know how good you have it. It is literally heart breaking.

People like to say, you don't understand... you don't get it.  Let me tell you something , I get it. 

People suck .  When you are a strong person it surprises others as to why you are so mistrusting.  Or why you need to talk shit out all the time....why you need support, not financial etc....but a bit of emotional support.  As a strong woman, I am not fucking stupid.  I am not passive.  I grew up the baby sister of 8 older brothers. They did not put up with my shit and they taught me not to put up with other's shit.  Is this a plus? 

fuck no.  

I trust no one. 

 I expect everyone to talk shit out and on top of that , honestly?...I expect almost every male, to fuck me over in the long run....so far I'm right (short of maybe one).   It sucks...because I continuously look for the good, but men can't handle strong, smart women.  They waiver.  They think it's awesome at first then they go out and look for a woman who will not question, will keep quiet and won't challenge.   I'm not into that.   I need a MAN. a man who can give support, talk, and let me know they can be in charge if needed, yet step aside and let me be me.

See this guy?    do you know him?   well I do.   

This is my Nephew , Brady Graves. read about him here.  

This is family....he's not the only black sheep in my family.  I come from a family of strong ass woman and these narcissistic men. You know what we do?  we feel guilty and take care of them . We support them and become enablers.  

Brady served his time,(prison, parole, etc.) he's not an idiot. He graduated the top of his class at the Academy and went into the Marines at the highest level.   You know what else he did? he started smoking meth. He blamed it basically on the women in his life.   It's heart breaking.  

Don't tell me I don't understand.  

Don't tell me I ask too many questions or that I tell it like it is.   

We support, we love , we are passionate, we take them in, we pay , .....

we are idiots.

This guy, above, he's on the wrong path again.   He blames everyone except the one who made the decision to smoke meth....even blaming the beautiful sister who has supported him from prison to rehab.   

He's a victim.....bullshit.

  He's a grown man making shit ass poor decisions and blaming everyone else.

I know many people won't ever get it.  But when you grow up around men who are weak, men who lie, cheat and steal ,then blame the mothers , daughters, and lovers in their lives ....us daughters, wives and lovers grow up bitch ass hard and hard as hell to love.   We are appealing on the outside then as soon as you get close you back away.  We ask questions....we trust too much until we don't, and we want emotional support.

There are not many men who can stand up to that....or to a seemingly normal family which has it's seedy underside.  lately, I find men weak ....with lack of ability to have compassion or to love outside their circle.   they are often so self centered it is repulsive.  

A man who says "I need my own stuff ....I don't know what to say....I can't support you emotionally" is not a man you want as a lover, boyfriend or spouse....They will never connect outside their personal space.

It's unfortunate.
write ya later

m

The closest way to a woman is to touch her brain, her emotions, her thoughts.
Talk, Listen.... question and think together

It's better than sex.....dope soul.  

ps: and don't smoke meth....

meth never turns out good

Unfortunately. watch for my nephew in the news again.....its; only a matter of time

360 days of my life #75

360 days of my life, originally uploaded by v8grrl.

The 30 day shred, which I don't do that often anymore and running has started to pay off, wouldn't you say? So for everyone who attempted the year with a plan, but didn't stick to it...I feel for you, because if you HAD...you would be rocking the legs...4 months in...4 pounds lost, but firm all over

5'2"

113-116# depending on the scale

rock hard legs, and tight tummy