I cant fix it

 

Here I am.  

full of hate and angst

I'm going to talk about things people don't want me to talk about  

I want to die

often

I know it's not ok...I know we aren't supposed to talk about it

it's for teens ....it's for crazy people ...it's for psychos

but....

I'm just a mom, struggling....53. 

struggling

I ache with pain from what my son has experienced and what I had to see that day....and the aftermath it has brought.  being a nurse, I have seen so much....but this hurt me...his love,  there on the floor...him outside in his underwear with no support ....nothing....her on the floor dead......

it hurt me

I couldn't fix it

I couldn't help myself by leaving and going to NY to help with Covid,

I divorced...

I hopefully saved him, but not me

I still couldn't feel like I did anything.   I really did nothing....

NY

I was just there...I did what I could....I did my job....but my heart still hurts

I couldn't fix it....

my daughter hurts....

I can't help her

I can't fix it

I can't fix myself

I go to work everyday and help fix others ..........

It's my job

but here I am, 

every night with no sleep

with thoughts of death....

with thoughts my children may kill their selves because of my poor parenting

I can't fix it

.......

m

broken nose and a WTF

I kept wondering why she was pacing back and forth. 

I glanced out of the corner of my eye and she was walking back and forth and in circles. 

Thats not like her, I thought.

As the realtor and I were finishing our discussion I heard K yell,

"Olive, holy shit...OLIVE!!!!"

As I turned she was wobbling and went face first into a tree by the edge of the driveway, 

then into a pile of  large landscape rocks.

seizure.

I yelled,"call 911" over and over again 

until I could hear the realtor giving a clear address and saying Olive's age and the situation.

Kevin was trying to turn her over, but I knew we should not move her too much, so I pushed him away and carefully flipped her 

and held her head as she screamed a primal weird scream....

her eyes looking at nothing, but everything.  

It only lasted about 10 seconds, but seemed longer.

I cradled her head and made sure she could not move it.  

I felt her nose gently....

broken for sure.

I looked at her ears,

no blood yet.

the egg all ready forming on her forehead.

The next several hours were spent at the emergency room....

standard scans and blood work.

I texted her dad before I even left the area it happened.

K...came in, 

then we decided he should leave so that when dad came he could come in with no issue.

Covid and the ER keeps people from having visitors, but because Olive was under 16...both parents or care givers, are allowed.

As K left Olive cried.

She asked me ....

"did you text dad?

why isn't he coming or texting"

He must be busy and not have his phone....

you know he would be here.....

One hour, two hours, 3 hours.....

still no answer.

"mom ....why isn't dad coming?"

well...as we were finishing our paper work....

he texted....I told her this....

"He called...He didn't have is phone...he isn't near home so he can't get back....he loves you....and is worried."

but what he really said to me...

"WTF?....I'm not near home.....and Where were YOU when this happened???

(standing next to her)

Hmmmmmmmm

sure.....makes me wonder what the fuck is going on over there"

he didn't ask how she was, or that he was going to hurry home to see if she is ok...

or....let me talk to her ....

wow that is really scary.

he said .......

Hmmmmmmm 

and questioned the situation.

my heart broke...

broke because this is not who I was with...

or was it?

It broke because I cannot and will not be able to continue to explain and cover

It broke for Olive.

She's tucked into bed with a broken nose, a concussion and a huge lump on her head.

I'm checking on her continuously ....

the dog at her side.

I want her to know I Love her so much

we all do.....

but today....

I feel different

not my love for her....

but my hope....

for love

write ya later

m

Together

Life is so weird.

awesomely weird.

let me just tell you .....

like you care.....

Recently I lost a best friend

 ....or more.....

a love..... 

a piece of my heart....

just like that.

no longer.

"never contact me again"

I am who I am....I will never leave people I love....ever.

but this hurt.....

In the interim....I am working and laughing.

My kid is blossoming into this amazing soul 

with big thoughts and opinions, 

beauty that just pours out of her.... 

a mouth like a mini sailor 

and I adore her.

I laughed as she went on and on about how MY life should be evolving....

How Kevin is her "G" 

and she is moving to San Fran ( regardless of cost)

I admire her .

As I move through this divorce ...going on a year + now.

I know I am good.

I think a lot about how things could have been different....

but it doesn't matter.

why waste time on that

I think about how people change and that is something we should all realize...

and that is OK

My life in this little tiny place is happy

I have a lover who adores me and we mesh...

we laugh...we talk...we cook...we do things....

together.  

It is so great.

the kid is happy 

She is involved and present ....

this place is tiny, yet she is always present

unlike the big house....

she is here....

smiling....

and her friends are here too

I love it.

I feel like a mom..... a parent

When this is done....

and I can delete all the messages and pictures from ,y life and start over 

with hopefully 5$ to my name....

things are gonna get wild 

52 year old wild.   

xoxo

m

Costa Rica here I come

scared.........shitless just make dinner

(personal)

Tell me........

 is this a sign.  is this what I need to hear

the few days we spend 24/7 you are .....

well....

Maybe you?

swat my hand 

"get out of here, myssi"

"Do what you do"

unfortunately ,I have no where real to go ....

maybe that is the catch....

as you just said.  maybe that is the way it needs to  be....

 "I do every thing for you...."

Is that to make me feel?.....

something

or to remember how it was....

you....

cunt....

bitch....

you...you........

(just look it up..... everyone knows)

do what you do....live your best life....

 get out...

plenty of people to pick up the pieces. 

Lined up

have you once thought....

yeah

if that was what I wanted I would.

"live your best life, myssi.... go on.....I'll just hang out here"

I'm not here to fix anybody....

I'm no longer here to have anyone fix me....

I am actually good...sad ,but ok

I AM strong

but that does not mean.........

nevermind....

Keep pushing

Keep talking.....

keep.....

talking

at some point you need to listen

to 

what 

you

are

saying....

listen

have I said?

anything

all the things

you have said.

if you are scared 

shitless

then

say 

stop opening the door

for

me 

to

leave..................

I will.

xo,

m

Oh man....whatever...Nothing....

and ....it hits home, this song.....

Nothing Compares 2 U

Pick your poison.....

Take a few....

go read the lyrics

and just the other night....

Miss Cray Cray made beautiful music again

It's been seven hours and thirteen days

Since u took your love away

I go out every night and sleep all day

Since u took your love away

Since u been gone I can do whatever I want

I can see whomever I choose

I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant

But nothing

I said nothing can take away these blues,

'Cause nothing compares

Nothing compares 2 u

It's been so lonely without u here

I'm like a bird without a song

Nothing can stop this lonely tears from fallin'

Tell me baby where did I go wrong

I can put my arms around every girl I see

But they'd only remind me of you

I went to the doctor guess what he told me

Guess what he told me

He said boy u'd better try to have fun

No matter what u do

But he's a fool

'Cause nothing compares

Nothing compares 2 u

All the flowers that u planted mama

In the back-yard

All died when u went away

I know that living with me baby was sometimes hard

But I'm willing to give it another try

'Cause nothing compares

Nothing compares 2 u

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

nothing else,

I get it,

write ya later,

xo,

m

faults become reality and the inability to ever be loved

"Either way, one of us will end up getting hurt."
I guess I just hoped it wasn't like this, and this hurtful.

When you fall in love with someone, the words they say can be like acid. Painful enough to take a step back and say....they are right....now what.  ?
You walk away and don't look back....
or you fight for what you want....

When more than one person points out a fault, it becomes a reality. I guess this is a good thing, because it gives me time to sit and dwell on it, to attempt to correct and and try to understand where it comes from, and how I am going to stop it.....

My entire life I was encouraged to be who I am, don't take shit, stick up for yourself, and have your own back. I grew up the youngest of a blended family of 13 so when a sibling was mean to you, there wasn't much opportunity to go run to Mom and Dad, because they assumed at some point you would take care of it amongst yourselves. Live and learn, kid.Next time you will pay attention.

me, and 2 brothers, Man, I loved them so.

My brothers were rough, just like all brothers.  They practiced boxing with/on me, they had me climb trees so high I could not get down....they stole my hard earned babysitting money...but yet, they were also always there when I needed them.  No one beat up their little sister, except them.... They came to my rescue many times and kept a loving eye on me through middle school and high school. But with that loving eye, they also taught me to fight and aside as it sounds, were the first men I loved and respected....They taught me how to handle situations when they were tough and how to voice your opinion. They were my first introduction to how relationship dynamics worked.

My mom encouraged indépendance and individuality. Her answer to everything with me was, "you are smart, you will figure it out." Not much guidance.  Actually, when I think about it...I think about how I always tell my kids, "You can always come home if you ever need to, so go live, learn, love hard".....my mom never said that, ever, come to think of it. There was no safety net....so strong independence was a necessity.

I lived large, had fun, and remained fairly responsible for a partying 20 something.  I moved to Colorado and bought my first house at age 25 with money I made milking goats and waiting tables. I worked my ass off.  On this ride, I brought along a man whom I loved dearly, trusted, and shared an amazing fun life with.  I , yes  alone....made the hard earned money which bought the house we moved into because he was not as responsible. We lived the normal fun 20 something life, had a kid, snowboarded, and just lived and loved.

Then he left....

and all Hell broke loose.
 It was the first time I had ever been blindsided as such.  Not only did he leave me and our 2 year old,...he had second and third mortgaged the house I worked so hard for and redid his new girlfriend's house with the money.  There was more....but the worst part, I had no idea that he was doing all this. He told me he was traveling, snowboarding, working ....I thought we were in love.

I swore at that time, never again. NEVER AGAIN WOULD I LET THAT HAPPEN.

I honestly believe this is when my mistrust started.This was my first piece of baggage I began to drag from relationship to relationship. My inability to distinguish truth and falsity. I remember the lawyer saying to me, "How did you not know he was funneling ALL of your money, savings and equity into another account? You owe so much there is no way you will be able to stay in the house."  I don't know....because I trusted him.  He told me he was taking care of everything. He said he loved me....I deposited all of my money into an account he had access to, because that is what people in relationships do.
I believed him.

This man was going to let his child and girlfriend of 9 years be pushed out onto the literal street, sell my house to pay the debt, all the while he moved in with his girlfriend. My heart was broken, my trust was broken ,and there I was....left to figure out food stamps, medicaid , housing,  and childcare.... at 27 years old.

But, as my mom said, "you are strong, you will be ok." and I was.  I had great friends. I had my kid and I had my friends.....and occasionally I had more bad decisions.   But I don't think I would change anything in hindsight.

What I would change is my new way that I trusted and interacted.

Now this is where my story of then, ends, but today's begins.

I need the person who loves me next, if there is such a thing, to be strong and understanding. To be able to put me in my place in a stern and gentle manner but also reassure me, I'm ok....we are ok. I realize I am a handful, even at my age, but I am generous, loving, caring, fun and will be there for you. I love hard and true, but I do fill in the blanks, because for so many times and years the blanks were left as is....and then I was hurt....because I didn't even think to address the blanks or cracks.  Is every relationship the same? God, I hope not....but I need someone to tell me that, gently. 

I definitely know I don't need to sell myself, because although I have my issues, I am willing to work on it. I am working on being more open and more trusting ....hoping to have the ability to be....just be. 

So many fun good things I have in my basket....

I kiss pretty good....

and I'm an ok travel partner.....

I bring snacks.

write ya later,

xo

m

forgetting the past and pushing forward

Bizarre week.

Buckle your liver straps, this is gonna be a truthful ride.

I had mentioned before about finding a therapist.   Yeah , that happened.

Going through the motions to attempt to correct years of bad behavior is not the easiest.

It's frustrating, somewhat comical, and even a bit disabling.

How do you make things better?  How do you forget the past enough to push it behind and focus on the good and the future? Can you? Maybe people just change. Actually, not maybe....people do change.  It's not a bad thing, it's actually often a great thing. People mature, learn new things and be happy.  Our problem is that we are not happy. We have changed so much that the night revolves around.....well, nothing.

I asked the therapist if this is normal.  He said, "it is NOT a normal or ok way to live, is it common, yes."

Should I just buckle in and accept that my other half, who I chose to spend my life with, is not happy with the way life is here? Continue the motions and just say to myself this is old age... we made it this far just be happy? No....we aren't happy.

 I don't blame him. We are both to blame because we honestly never fed each other's souls.  We never continued to build each other up.  He has his music; getting on stage and playing is his happiness. I love that.  He is amazing. When he is on stage he shines, he's sexy, he knows who he is and he revels in the attention.  

Then when he gets home he is back to the shell of a person I fell in love with.  

He hates the cold---we live in Colorado .

He doesn't like to go out anymore---- a man who used to love to hop on motorcycles and ride until we found a cool spot and just hang out, talking, laughing, planning.

He has stopped taking care of himself---- doesn't change his clothes, tidy up his grooming, or care for his body.  To me he still looks good, he just doesn't put for any effort....unless he is going on stage. 

He has just changed.  We all have.

I have changed too.

I finally have time for life.  I am older, wiser and in my mind I feel more beautiful---but without my life partner able to express that to me in any way it seems a bit disheartening and pointless.

I graduated from college which freed up time to do more things---but I have no one to do these things with. 

We have raised 3 amazing kids and the youngest is now old enough to not be bothered with me anymore which also frees up more time.

I have learned, although very recklessly and stubbornly, that I should not count on someone else to make my life complete.  This is how "not feeding another's soul" comes into play.  When this becomes a battle point, Ie: "you shouldn't count on me to make you happy, you need to make your self happy" or "According to you, I'll never be enough, there is no winning". What happens is that you (meaning me) start to just turn inward. You make yourself happy. The way it should work is : You become more happy and confident and the other person is drawn to that.

BUT

That is not what happened.  

We began to feed our own selves, not helping and believing in each other for strength anymore. No longer counting on each other or expecting anything.  This is not how a relationship works.  Over years we have literally stopped supporting the team. It hurts, and we are both at fault.

As I have aged the last few years I have had so many emotional breaks, thoughts from anger to suicide, but I have never quit loving.

I love hard. People in my life have always said I am too much feels.

It's ok.  It has gotten me through so many things, it has helped me build myself up so that I could continue to love in a relationship which is so broken.

Our changes don't mean I do not love him.  

I love him dearly, but :

1. I have damaged so much of our connections with anger, he cannot love me back.

2. He needs to look within his own life and see what can make him happy, really happy, then see if he can strengthen the ability to be a support to family.

3.When a couple loses the connection intimately, the safety factor fades. It is almost as if you are not sure if they have your back any more.  Would they jump in front of the proverbial bus if need be? Probably not....because although they "love" you....there is no real skin to skin, heart to heart , secrets and passion anymore....so the bus? you better not fall in front of the bus.

Without number 3.....you become roommates. 

and at a certain point even if you were roommates with benefits, it just isn't satisfying.

So, to get back to it.  We are continuing on with therapy.  He states he wants to try, but I am struggling. We are trying to learn how to talk. It is extremely difficult as of now our conversations are the "how was work, what do you want for dinner, did you walk the dog, and what do you want to watch on TV"

I love my other half and I do not want to hurt him but I also know it's time for both of us to be happy, really happy. If for him that means going back to California where he lived the best years of his life and reunite with old friends and do what he does, I'm ready to support that.

If it means a separation so that we can each breathe and love our selves again, I am for that too.

I am for whatever will help ease us into the next part of our lives so that we can bloom, love, laugh, ride motorcycles, play guitar, travel with friends and make love for connection, not duty.

This process has been very slow.

very slow

and I honestly am unsure how to move forward, especially when there is no real anger or hatred right now.

how ?

write ya later,

xo,

m

I am grateful for the friends and family that are supporting me through this, quietly...with the advice that , when it's time you will know, and you will all be ok.

And for the one friend who opens the door and lets me just sit on the couch under a blanket, cry and watch movies....It's a thing.

I can only hope my other half is finding support right now, but I fear he is not.

Hellllllo October, you Bitch

Oh, October in Colorado.  One of the persnickiest times of the year.

One day 78 degrees and clear ....

Isn't it lovely?

All less than 12 hours later.

Same view....

17 degrees. 

No worries though, this is why we love Colorado, she is as unpredictable as a, well, let's say a woman who has been on the wagon for 17 days, attempting to figure out what to do with all her free time not spent drinking or surfing IG or Facebook.

"Shall I have an acid flavored Kombucha?....or a cucumber water?"

"Shall I knit or shall I clean and sort my entire sewing room, then decide to finish all projects which were left unfinished from years ago?"

Guess what ?

All of the above.

SoberOctober is proving itself to be quite productive, not only for projects , but for clearing my mind and getting my lonely lost head straight. 

Two Thumbs up, M!.

 yeah Kanye, we get it 

"MAGA"....and that is starting with my sewing room and brain.

Let's see, just for the idle chatter, I knitted a sweater, sewed a bag (little hexagon appliqué pictured below), got a Fitbit, been working out, am getting a BMI body scan, repotted all the outdoor plants to bring inside and planned a trip to Nashville

Who doesn't love Hexagons?

All of this while sober.  

I may just keep it up into November (probably not, because my friends are so not supportive).

I am still grieving the loss of a friendship which brought me much joy....but it will be ok. 

Everything works out in the end, one way or another, it is just weird to hear someone say they will be there, then , well.....go silent.

Part of my Yoga, workout, run therapy also involves lessons in patience. 

It's kind of cool.

I am working just being me. 

It's all good when you can look at yourself and laugh...give people hugs....and  say "good things happen to good people and mean it". 

I missed out (self inflicted) on a once in a lifetime trip to Machu Picchu, which was to start tomorrow, because 

1. guilt of spending $3K on myself

2. a little bit scared

3. head not quite where it needed to be to travel and enjoy.

it's ok....there will be more trips....right?

(yes that is grey hair...the red is being replaced by silver)

This is me....at work, 

washing my hands so that I can pass out some more hugs.

Try it.

I'll keep ya posted on my plans.

Nashville, Bryce National Park 1/2, then hopefully Italy and or Greece....although I have heard Croatia is quite nice. 

xoxox,

write ya later,

m

Dog Park Disaster and a Fault in Human Nature

Yesterday afternoon I headed over to the dog-park to let Eddie run wild with the natives; ie...other stupid dogs. It was a beautiful day here in sunny Colorado. Perked up to 50 degrees, which is downright balmy. If you have ever experienced frigid weather you may know that snow which warms,melts, then promptly refreezes every evening to make a beautiful glazy surface. With that bit of info...I was standing at the dogpark happily looking at the Continental Divide, glancing over every few minutes to see Eddie trying to hump some other dog...daydreaming about vacation at the beach when ....

WHAM BAM Thank YOU MAM!!!!

I was thrown tail over keister, I awoke looking at the pretty blue sky...only remembering horrible popping noises and not really knowing what was happening. I laid there until Eddie was drooling over me. Then I slowly pushed myself up, just to see the guy with the little black dog, who had plowed me over, walking out the gate.

Hello, I was just knocked out by your dog?!!!!

He left.

He didn't even help me up...or see if I was alive for that matter. There was no one else there. I could have been dead! But., alas, I wasn't. I cried all the way home, gasping for breath, surely more upset about the fault in his human nature than the damage to my ribs. I went to the doctor who told me exactly what I all ready knew. Nothing punctured, just bruised...physically and emotionally.

Take it easy...here's some Vicodan...no running until your body heals.

He didn't even check to see if I was alive.

sad