Lesson I am Learning : Projection is not about me

When the storm clears, and the clouds begin to part, things really become more clear. 

Quite interesting how this almost always seems to be the case. 

Comical, in fact

Strength comes in many forms and through out the years I have forgotten exactly how strong I can be.  

Recently I was tested, reminded, reinforced and a pretty amazing  feat happened. 

I saw myself for who I am, 

and what I have to offer...

and why people are in my life....

boom

Strength shows itself at strange times, and I am going to assume it is mostly at times when it is really required. The other times it just hides itself, feeding on different subjects, learning and waiting to pounce into action for recovery.

Love and kindness, on the other hand, often prances around, tossing out daisies and compliments, not necessarily draining you.... but maybe opening one up to jabs, that little by little can cause misunderstood pain.

I spoke to Miss Jody (therapy hippy) about why this happens.  Why, when one person is generally nice, loving, and kind to most people, they feel the hate the most? Do they have to carry the weight ? And when this happens...How do you continue to care and not necessarily love, but be nice?

question: Why do the few I love the most say such mean things?

Loving, even when hated....I will not waiver from that 

hate me for many things but know I love deeply to those in my life

As a human, I can honestly say, when there are people in my life I care for them.

..ups and downs, 

anger and 

life changes. 

 Once I say this person is a good soul...I protect that. I can watch friends make mistakes and suffer pain and I will 98% empathize, and if they are in the wrong..

"mistakes happen, 

own them, 

learn from them, 

look around and see who stands quietly next to you..."

they are waiting for you to realize and learn

Learning about how many people will project their hurt or failure onto you has been a bit of an eyeopener the last few weeks.

Definitely a subject I knew about, but have not recently been strong enough to realize:

 It is not me...

It is the other. 

When my heart hurt...many came forward to hold my heart in their hands and be strong when I couldn't...when I could not hold the weight of my son, my anger, and was in fear of losing my own heart to pain...

people came to me with the words of wisdom

"I love you, we love you, you are so strong Myssi and we will take care of you so that you can take care of this....You will not break"

In privacy of work quiet areas, run clubs, late night texts and calls...

people came to me and let me cry, so that I could be strong for others....

all of this hidden away from my family. 

As life has it, a few did the opposite.
a few went missing...
a few were not who I thought they could be

Growth periods in life are not instability (mentally, emotionally or physically).... 

they are strengthening...

you bend, you hurt, you question, you don't break

you learn....

Anger is never a primary emotion.

Hurt and failure usually proceed. 

Anger is a pot stirrer....and when projected often returns itself with anger.

and as full circle 

feeling of failure and hurt follow.

I need to remember this when friends project their rejections or failures on me....

it sucks dick.

 

This is exactly why I no longer hate....

I remove myself....

it's so hard....

but I don't want to think poorly of the people I loved.

I guess the lesson here is 

Forgive and Forget

everyone fights their own battles, some may seem shallow to you but are important to them.

People can dig and look for love all around 

use an app, swipe all different directions, beg for it, put on your best clothes for it, 

But that shit is organic....

it crosses your path and it stays....

it's there....

love

so many different forms and people

I suggest you try to look around and hold onto those people who do love you

you know who they are

so...stop projecting your insecurities and open up

It's pretty amazing

xo,

I'll be right here

waiting...

m

forgetting the past and pushing forward

Bizarre week.

Buckle your liver straps, this is gonna be a truthful ride.

I had mentioned before about finding a therapist.   Yeah , that happened.

Going through the motions to attempt to correct years of bad behavior is not the easiest.

It's frustrating, somewhat comical, and even a bit disabling.

How do you make things better?  How do you forget the past enough to push it behind and focus on the good and the future? Can you? Maybe people just change. Actually, not maybe....people do change.  It's not a bad thing, it's actually often a great thing. People mature, learn new things and be happy.  Our problem is that we are not happy. We have changed so much that the night revolves around.....well, nothing.

I asked the therapist if this is normal.  He said, "it is NOT a normal or ok way to live, is it common, yes."

Should I just buckle in and accept that my other half, who I chose to spend my life with, is not happy with the way life is here? Continue the motions and just say to myself this is old age... we made it this far just be happy? No....we aren't happy.

 I don't blame him. We are both to blame because we honestly never fed each other's souls.  We never continued to build each other up.  He has his music; getting on stage and playing is his happiness. I love that.  He is amazing. When he is on stage he shines, he's sexy, he knows who he is and he revels in the attention.  

Then when he gets home he is back to the shell of a person I fell in love with.  

He hates the cold---we live in Colorado .

He doesn't like to go out anymore---- a man who used to love to hop on motorcycles and ride until we found a cool spot and just hang out, talking, laughing, planning.

He has stopped taking care of himself---- doesn't change his clothes, tidy up his grooming, or care for his body.  To me he still looks good, he just doesn't put for any effort....unless he is going on stage. 

He has just changed.  We all have.

I have changed too.

I finally have time for life.  I am older, wiser and in my mind I feel more beautiful---but without my life partner able to express that to me in any way it seems a bit disheartening and pointless.

I graduated from college which freed up time to do more things---but I have no one to do these things with. 

We have raised 3 amazing kids and the youngest is now old enough to not be bothered with me anymore which also frees up more time.

I have learned, although very recklessly and stubbornly, that I should not count on someone else to make my life complete.  This is how "not feeding another's soul" comes into play.  When this becomes a battle point, Ie: "you shouldn't count on me to make you happy, you need to make your self happy" or "According to you, I'll never be enough, there is no winning". What happens is that you (meaning me) start to just turn inward. You make yourself happy. The way it should work is : You become more happy and confident and the other person is drawn to that.

BUT

That is not what happened.  

We began to feed our own selves, not helping and believing in each other for strength anymore. No longer counting on each other or expecting anything.  This is not how a relationship works.  Over years we have literally stopped supporting the team. It hurts, and we are both at fault.

As I have aged the last few years I have had so many emotional breaks, thoughts from anger to suicide, but I have never quit loving.

I love hard. People in my life have always said I am too much feels.

It's ok.  It has gotten me through so many things, it has helped me build myself up so that I could continue to love in a relationship which is so broken.

Our changes don't mean I do not love him.  

I love him dearly, but :

1. I have damaged so much of our connections with anger, he cannot love me back.

2. He needs to look within his own life and see what can make him happy, really happy, then see if he can strengthen the ability to be a support to family.

3.When a couple loses the connection intimately, the safety factor fades. It is almost as if you are not sure if they have your back any more.  Would they jump in front of the proverbial bus if need be? Probably not....because although they "love" you....there is no real skin to skin, heart to heart , secrets and passion anymore....so the bus? you better not fall in front of the bus.

Without number 3.....you become roommates. 

and at a certain point even if you were roommates with benefits, it just isn't satisfying.

So, to get back to it.  We are continuing on with therapy.  He states he wants to try, but I am struggling. We are trying to learn how to talk. It is extremely difficult as of now our conversations are the "how was work, what do you want for dinner, did you walk the dog, and what do you want to watch on TV"

I love my other half and I do not want to hurt him but I also know it's time for both of us to be happy, really happy. If for him that means going back to California where he lived the best years of his life and reunite with old friends and do what he does, I'm ready to support that.

If it means a separation so that we can each breathe and love our selves again, I am for that too.

I am for whatever will help ease us into the next part of our lives so that we can bloom, love, laugh, ride motorcycles, play guitar, travel with friends and make love for connection, not duty.

This process has been very slow.

very slow

and I honestly am unsure how to move forward, especially when there is no real anger or hatred right now.

how ?

write ya later,

xo,

m

I am grateful for the friends and family that are supporting me through this, quietly...with the advice that , when it's time you will know, and you will all be ok.

And for the one friend who opens the door and lets me just sit on the couch under a blanket, cry and watch movies....It's a thing.

I can only hope my other half is finding support right now, but I fear he is not.

Senator Kennedy...I'll miss you and your 60 seats

I can barely listen to the news. We lost an amazing Bi-partisan seat this week. A seat Senator Kennedy held nobly for many years. It makes me sad to think about how all change will now come to a screeching halt. Independants should think about this. Maybe the changes which are coming are not perfect...but change is a START. things have got to start moving in a different direction. Anyone who has ever started a new system in their lives knows...it's never perfect to start, yet you go ahead, draw up a semi plan, set it into action and hammer out the kinks as everyone starts to use it....
New Orleans...and this headline read "Troops ordered "Shoot to Kill"
haven't heard about shooting people in Haiti.

Haiti...waiting for help...

Haiti...oh my god, it's sad...but do you remember what happened in New Orleans?, hell that was right in our own basement and we couldn't get there quick enough to help. It appears to me that Haiti is getting help quickly and alot of it. It is going to be a long hard road...but we can refer to New Orleans as one step below Haiti. We couldn't or wouldn't even help our own peeps. Heck, a couple of towns even shut down the bridges into the drier areas.
So, Haiti...we got your backs. We are getting there...and quickly...be thankful you weren't stuck in the "Dome" with raping,pillage, and death...and no way out.



I temporarily felt bad for Conan Obrien...but have now changed my mind...with the severance package of 33 million he could rebuild the entire Haitian area alone. So suck it up...and shut up...

I'm turning 41 this weekend. My ass thinks it is 65.

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