I cant fix it

 

Here I am.  

full of hate and angst

I'm going to talk about things people don't want me to talk about  

I want to die

often

I know it's not ok...I know we aren't supposed to talk about it

it's for teens ....it's for crazy people ...it's for psychos

but....

I'm just a mom, struggling....53. 

struggling

I ache with pain from what my son has experienced and what I had to see that day....and the aftermath it has brought.  being a nurse, I have seen so much....but this hurt me...his love,  there on the floor...him outside in his underwear with no support ....nothing....her on the floor dead......

it hurt me

I couldn't fix it

I couldn't help myself by leaving and going to NY to help with Covid,

I divorced...

I hopefully saved him, but not me

I still couldn't feel like I did anything.   I really did nothing....

NY

I was just there...I did what I could....I did my job....but my heart still hurts

I couldn't fix it....

my daughter hurts....

I can't help her

I can't fix it

I can't fix myself

I go to work everyday and help fix others ..........

It's my job

but here I am, 

every night with no sleep

with thoughts of death....

with thoughts my children may kill their selves because of my poor parenting

I can't fix it

.......

m