Wash That Job Right Outta Yo Hair

amazing how this works

I woke up this morning and was rested.
My motivation has re-entered the room.
My sense of calm has shown it's face again.
Amazing what happens when you quit a toxic job and all the toxic people.
It felt great to delete them from my life, my social media and my cortisol level.
I'm not sure if all of this was brought on by my own brain or if things really turned for the worse and I just lost my sense of reality within the work space.
It does not matter one bit now!

Don't think I didn't cry or think " Am I making a mistake?"

What if, what if , what if.

Don't think I didn't question all the people I confided in at work.

How could they be so back-stabbingly cruel?

not just to me, but to many.

The Passive Aggressive Buddhist is the one that really got me.

I shouldn't admit it , but I did think about ways I could bring that person down at work...

But I knew it would not make me feel better in the long run.

But I still hope that the Karma Goddess gets them in some way.

Although from the person's history....Karma is constantly getting them, but they are too stupid to see.

That brings me some joy.

I did lose a few people who I really thought were my friends.

That is what I get for thinking and you would think I had learned this from divorce, but apparently i'm a bit of sympathetic person.

(Ie : idiot)

I laughed silently this morning as I walked through the grocery store; smiling at people and feeling....normal. 
I didn't think, " man, if I just drive into a tree I won't have to go to work tomorrow and see those people."
You know what else I learned?
That is not a normal thought process.
I believed all people thought about hurting themselves so that they didn't have to go to work.
My therapist informed me otherwise. 
so that's good.
I have started listening to this audible called 
Just Let Them Theory 

Pretty good info.  

With all of this said my new job training begins on the 13th.  

As I reflected back on my last position I now know what I want, and don't want, from a job situation.  

I've learned :

To stay private.  

To not do more than your job description states, unless paid.

To always remember it is a business and they don't care about you, per se.

That I can leave when it is not filling my needs.

I don't need to have guilt about anything job related.

And my opinions are best kept silent unless it is part of my job description, which it is not.

All of this new found information is going to bring my sense of self respect back, my cortisol level to normal, and my loving heart back from the depths of the hateful....

hopefully.

I'm taking quite the pay cut, 

so I better get something out of it 

Hopefully all of this will slowly sink in and I will be able to do some change for the better also.

I'm sure I could use it, too

write ya later,

m

Hookers and Yahoo

I had just had my baby 

Isn't that always the way?

Uncomfortable for over 9 months.

Insecure and tired.

fat and alone

I knew it wasn't the first

second, or third time, 

but it was the time I actually saw proof.

Left open on the shared computer, the emails.

setting up times.

My heart broke and it was the last time I ever trusted him.

ever.

I printed the emails and saved them.

I confronted and showed them

gaslighting....

"you are crazy. I was just looking. I would never do anything. you are so paranoid...."

and the best, 

"you made me do this, because of your insecurities....I'm never good enough"

I turned a blind eye after that.  I was told I was unattractive. I was called a nag. I was left to fend for myself, instead of being together ,we were now apart.

Very apart.

I had to get tested. I had to not ask questions so that I was not told I was a crazy person. My heart and mind KNEW there were more than 2 times.  I knew it but could do nothing....

except wonder why I was never enough for him.

Now I know....

it wasn't me,

but it scarred me nonetheless

years and years 

until I realized 

it really

wasn't me.

The secret life I lived.

xo,

m

Gaslighting ....get over yourself

My control has been out of the ball park lately, Seriously.

Out

of 

the

park.

I'd like to tell you my crying factor has subsided, but no....

that is still hanging tight.

I can cry just thinking about shit...

Nothing even has to happen

but whatever.

One thing I no longer need to cry about??

My life.

My life is good.

but what surprises me, still, is how people want to gaslight.

in case you are confused:

"Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality."

People are dicks.

Honestly, we all are sometimes.

Holding onto anger and punishing is silly.

Be strong.

A long time ago a lovely therapist told me to let go of the things I cannot control.

It brings great relief.

She said I needed to try to understand that that what people are putting towards me is not about me, but about them...

and I laughed.

It made sense....

All those years, I knew I wasn't perfect, but I also knew I was 

kind

beautiful

an empath

and 

honest....

Until I couldn't be anymore.

I also learned that the people who matter most

ie: kids 

They will find out the truth, 

they figure it out

good.

That doesn't matter but what does is that they know I was there,

every damn day,

every day that I could barely get my own ass out of the bed or my mind straight

I got up

and did what I knew was best 

I fought for them and loved them

and allowed them time to hate and to heal

I think that is pretty fucking awesome.

so,

when someone says

"I think you’re a horrible role model for children

 I don’t agree with your way of parenting. I never have..."

I bite my tongue, shake my little head and laugh

as childish as it can be.  it sums it all up

gaslighting no more.

The power of me and my knowledge and my freedom and my love

I'm good.

real good

ABCDE....

xo,

m

Together

Life is so weird.

awesomely weird.

let me just tell you .....

like you care.....

Recently I lost a best friend

 ....or more.....

a love..... 

a piece of my heart....

just like that.

no longer.

"never contact me again"

I am who I am....I will never leave people I love....ever.

but this hurt.....

In the interim....I am working and laughing.

My kid is blossoming into this amazing soul 

with big thoughts and opinions, 

beauty that just pours out of her.... 

a mouth like a mini sailor 

and I adore her.

I laughed as she went on and on about how MY life should be evolving....

How Kevin is her "G" 

and she is moving to San Fran ( regardless of cost)

I admire her .

As I move through this divorce ...going on a year + now.

I know I am good.

I think a lot about how things could have been different....

but it doesn't matter.

why waste time on that

I think about how people change and that is something we should all realize...

and that is OK

My life in this little tiny place is happy

I have a lover who adores me and we mesh...

we laugh...we talk...we cook...we do things....

together.  

It is so great.

the kid is happy 

She is involved and present ....

this place is tiny, yet she is always present

unlike the big house....

she is here....

smiling....

and her friends are here too

I love it.

I feel like a mom..... a parent

When this is done....

and I can delete all the messages and pictures from ,y life and start over 

with hopefully 5$ to my name....

things are gonna get wild 

52 year old wild.   

xoxo

m

Costa Rica here I come

scared.........shitless just make dinner

(personal)

Tell me........

 is this a sign.  is this what I need to hear

the few days we spend 24/7 you are .....

well....

Maybe you?

swat my hand 

"get out of here, myssi"

"Do what you do"

unfortunately ,I have no where real to go ....

maybe that is the catch....

as you just said.  maybe that is the way it needs to  be....

 "I do every thing for you...."

Is that to make me feel?.....

something

or to remember how it was....

you....

cunt....

bitch....

you...you........

(just look it up..... everyone knows)

do what you do....live your best life....

 get out...

plenty of people to pick up the pieces. 

Lined up

have you once thought....

yeah

if that was what I wanted I would.

"live your best life, myssi.... go on.....I'll just hang out here"

I'm not here to fix anybody....

I'm no longer here to have anyone fix me....

I am actually good...sad ,but ok

I AM strong

but that does not mean.........

nevermind....

Keep pushing

Keep talking.....

keep.....

talking

at some point you need to listen

to 

what 

you

are

saying....

listen

have I said?

anything

all the things

you have said.

if you are scared 

shitless

then

say 

stop opening the door

for

me 

to

leave..................

I will.

xo,

m