Offer Smoffer

 lord have mercy.   I am so done with all of this,   I do realize I am a nurse and it is not appropriate for me to express this....but I wanna see live music, hug a stranger, go to the damn bar and sit at the bar instead of the parking lot.........

but....

whatever.

It has been quite comical living in this tiny space.  I am living with about 3 outfits, 25 pairs of shoes (because I couldn't leave my shoes) and one shared bathroom.   

Im thankful that Kevin has let us in....made room for us and said he will take care of us.  ( don't need anyone to take care of us, but it is divine and lovely and makes my heart happy to know he is there).

I have heard from my lawyer that the "ex" is going to accept the offer.   

THE OFFER.

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Smart on his part.

Of course he is going to win....he doesn't need to deal with me, who he despised, he gets the house and most of everything I have worked for and saved .

(note to people.....if you marry up....never have your own shit or investments...that way if you split you can half of theirs regardless of your input)

to the other half. 

get a prenuptial

Anyways, we will discuss that later. But sooner the divorce is finalized the sooner I can actually live.

You all know that one cannot buy a house , car , change insurance, move....etc....without divorce papers.   It's one of the dickiest moves ever.  They know you are stuck....if you are on the short ghetto side of divorce....just refuse to sign the divorce papers and you can live for basically free until the court says you have to sign.    For me...I have to continue to pay for all of his shit until he signs.    But, I'm good.  I got an extra job and am maintaining mine, the kid's and apparently his lifestyle for now.  And Im actually not too angry.   Just more done.  Move the fuck on.   Let me go.

On the flip

I'm happy.   Kevin is everything I have wanted, and how this happened I have no idea and don't really want to question it.   I just know I deserve it, and so does he.   Coming home every day to a person who is honestly happy to see me is the best.  We laugh, touch, kiss and do things together.   So simple....laugh, kiss the cheek and touch their butt once in a while and you are in.

Hopefully soon this divorce will be done.  I will lose my forever home and most of the stuff ( this is what happens when you are the spouse with the most money and independence regardless of gender ...this is part of women's liberation I suppose) I lose the goods and money, but gain a life I deserve with people who want to be around me.  Maybe a move is in my future.   Denver? Florida? Nashville? Connecticut?  I don't know.   but it will be something.

xo,

write ya later,

m

First cut....

know what's great?
Well, this girl is gonna tell you!

This is great.....
I can have whatever I want on my phone.
I can buy what I want.
I can talk to whom ever I want
I can send whatever pic I want to anyone I want.

I can love who I want.
I can have a beer with whoever I want
I can sit and do nothing if I want.
My money is mine.

If someone says ....
lets go to "______" for the weekend, I can go.
I can go to a show with who ever I want.
I can stay out as long as I want.
If I don't want to eat dinner...
I don't have to worry about anyone else

There are many things that aren't great....
many many many.....
But lets go with what's great right here right now.
It's gonna be ok....
I'm gonna cry a lot...
I'm gonna be mad a lot....
I'm gonna miss his love and touch he used to give me ....a lot
I'm gonna miss the good things, and there were good things, many good things
I'm gonna miss his sense of humor....
I'm gonna miss just having someone here....

But....
It's gonna be ok.
for us both....
for all of us....
I hope he sees that in the end....
that being happy is good and maybe, he will eventually see I'm not the bitch he thinks I am....
that I am who I am....
I am strong....
I am funny ....
I am adventurous....
I am a mom....
I am a lover....
I am me....
I am the person he loved at one time....
I still really am.....


xo,
m

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And she's taken almost all that I've got
But if you want, I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest
'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved she's first
That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
'Cause I'm sure gonna give you a try
And if you want, I'll try to love again
But baby, I'll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's cursed

When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved, she's first
That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know

The first cut is the deepest

Baby, I know, the first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's curse
When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved, she's first

That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know

Lets Look at Each Other for a Minute

first time I was kissed it was by Carl.
I had practiced on my pillow I had read every Judy Blume book....
I was ready.
Carl, 2 grades older, red beret, artist, tall, cool
Why did he like me.?
Little skater girl ......

I will never in my life forget it.
he leaned in to kiss me, I puckered, he opened....I freaked....
I literally had no idea...the French kiss.  
the FRENCH KISS
I just couldn't.  wasn't that how babies were made???
He hesitated, he laughed ....the next words out of his mouth were,
"I am going to tell everyone in high school you don't know how to kiss"
These few words, to an oncoming freshman, were the death.

 The first boyfriend I ever had betrayed my sweet lips.
It hurt.
I swore I would never be in that predicament again.

kissing.
I would never misunderstand the art of kissing again.
never.
ever

Kissing is my thing.
I love it.
Lips, tongue, smiles, breath, teeth.
you can learn a person's soul through their kisses.
you can learn a person's limits...
the hand on the back, under the skirt, touching your neck gently....
the smell, the taste, the neck nibble.
the breath
the breath
your breath

how can you be ready for love

breathe
wet
whisper
secrets


I don't get to kiss often.
when I kiss it starts fires within me, and within whoever I choose to kiss
to be in control of the kiss....
to let someone else control your kiss
it tells a story
a story no one else can replicate.
Kisses are like fingerprints.

to each
kisses

kisses

xo,
m

Destination Keanu and Winona...and my life intersection

As with any shitty breakup comes lots of liquor, friends requiring you to put on clothes, cookie dough, and shitty movies.....lots of shitty romantic comedies and slasher films.

Being doomed is the dangled carrot of my future.

I flipped through the movies....

click click click.

Keanu....if you can go through the second part of your life looking like the poor man's version of the Wolverine, I can surely go braless, sit around in my undies scraping cookie dough off the plastic while drinking high end grapefruit vodka.....every day if I want.

as I clicked ....I saw the perfectly shitty movie I would fill my nightly schedule with.

yeah....whoopie

Destination Wedding.

yup.....

Definitely no Sleepless in Seattle, but yet I found myself laughing and nodding and perfectly relating this sleeper into my true life.  

Keanu and Winona....

the charisma was there....

2 people who should have never met, yet do.  Pessimists in love and yet they fit so perfectly

"why didn't we meet 7 years ago Frank?"

"Luck I guess"

ha....

Hits so close to home.  How you can meet someone and have chemistry, but each is so oddly off that the connection is hidden.

Until it isn't. 

Sitting in bed eating Pringles and watching a movie....

arguing about correct pronunciations....

fucking and laughing....

and wondering

"where have you been all this time?"

This perfect scene with her and her flannel pajamas .....

me....so me.

The next scene he describes how beautiful she is, from her dress, to her ankles....

then she tells him how perfect he is....

right down to his straight penis....

I love this....

my quirky self relates to these scenes, because they have happened.

who knows...

this movie

Destination Wedding 

perfect for the non believers full of snark and lack of sex....

It made me laugh.

Things happen as they should in the time frame that they should

sometimes you have to look and say....

I like you, you weirdo

well if you have a free night and some vodka and a side of cookie dough

go for it....

it's kind of funny

and Keanu and Winona are the prefect bantering mismatched match.

it's a sleeper.

xo,

write ya later

m

You got it

I’m right here 

That’s all

Xo ,

M