Have I become the Grim Reaper?...

 Or maybe that little cloud that follows people around?

days have been long,

and nights short

when one needs to sleep

an oddity for me,

I have been sleeping 

and

awaken only to want to sleep more

exhausted

Work has become respite

They said 3 days

panic

anger

sadness

Did you know?

Is that why you came

Is that why you sold everything and came

Then left when I questioned

your health

your sanity

your day to day life

?

we are on day 4

you said you will fight 

I cannot come

I will not burden your struggling brain

but you must try

Costa Rica 

We were looking at houses

the beach

you know

I am angry

when I said you need to go,

now

you should have gone

I should have made you

you are so stubborn

It would have given us 

4 extra weeks

I care for these people

I know

I know the outcome

You

know

the outcome

and here we are

30 years

my heart

our heart

xo

m

We All Need Gucci Therapy

Real life scenario

Nurse Julie, "Have you guys tried to get therapy through Employee Assistance Program"

Me,"Yeah, tried to get it for my kid...no one accepts it"

Nurse Sally,"no shit, and if they do? it's ghetto"

Me, "It's like the Cost Cutters of therapy"

extended pause.....

"I don't need Cost Cutter Therapy, I need some damn Gucci therapy....

I'm in a bad place and I can't even get on the waitlist for the runway"

That was the conversation at 5am at the nurse's station on a Wednesday morning. 

True story.

Julie, " what do you do when your family is sick?"

Me, " I want to kill them"

also me....

driving,

 on the way to work, 

crying,

 looking at the snow-covered front range, 

at all the beauty, 

and at the same time, thinking how much shit I have been through,

 and really....

how I just want to fall off the planet.

"I feel so much, yet so little...I cry a lot when I am alone and nothing brings me happiness anymore, not even beer"

"Girl, that is some real life compassion burn out"

Yeah, that is why I cannot use that cheap ass therapy.  

I need some real, 

top shelf, 

no fucking around therapy, 

Gucci Therapy

but,

there is none.

I have been reminded by friends and family many times in the last 2 years that I really need to partake in some sort of therapy.

The list is long, and I'm not even sure a therapist would know where to start....

I sure wouldn't know where to start talking.

Maybe cost cutters isn't so bad?

Maybe they are the gateway to the future of my relief. 

They don't get paid much, but they are trained for the basics.

But honestly, 

M needs some real talk therapy.

Real ability to go back to the start and figure out why I am such a stubborn, empathetic, tearful, soul.

Is there an answer within therapy?

anyone?

does anyone know the answer to this?

hmmm

damn Gucci Therapy

I need it

we all could use some Gucci mental health therapy

write ya later

m

bruised boobie...should have bought a lottery ticket

So, they did call Friday afternoon and said my Biopsy was benign!  woop wool...celebrate.
I celebrated the life of my boob all weekend as silly as that seems.

Happy day.
I could get on with my life.
Everything from the past month just sped right up in fast motion and I felt over whelmed with everything I had thrown to the side with my distress.

I gardened, I cleaned up the yard.  I cleaned the laundry room.  I cleaned the cabinets and actually bought groceries for the family.
Ready to take on life...planning my vacations and starting to work out again/

Went back to work on Monday without a care in the world.


I recieved a phone call at about 10 am Monday morning and my gynecologist left a vm stating she would like to go over my biopsy.  Ok....I all ready got the answer from my primary dr so I wanst too worried.
I went into the break room and gave her a call.

"your biopsy of the calcifications showed nothing to worry about right now.  you have fibrocystic breasts which are very common at your age (my age being 45).....however, the Radiologist called me this morning and said after reviewing the pathology,  the cells around your biopsy site were concerning.  they have Hyperplastic Cell Growth of the Lobules and we would like to refer you to a cancer breast surgeon specialist.  "

wtf?
really?

she goes on to say: "  of biopsies done, only 37% come back malignant ( i see a problem here), of all the biopsies, only 4% come back with hyperplastic cell growth( which I made it to the 4%)...of that 4% only 25% show cancer upon further exams....and within about 10 years about 90% of those 4% develop breast cancer and some point....so, we feel like you should get it examined further to be safe, you are young and have kids....in 10 years you will still be young"

Really?  Maybe I should have bought a l;ottery ticket too.

this is the side of my breast. they went in at the 9 oclock position and this is the hematoma 1 week later after biopsy one

so my decisions now is if I want to continue down this path?  Do I just let it be for a while and see what happens.  I know for a fact I will not get mammos every 3 months just to torture myself.  I also will not be getting biopsies over and over again.  Its a proven fact every time they stick that needle into something potentially cancerous and drag it through the healthy cells you are causing damage.
hmmmm

anyone out there have this experience?  I know there are people.  any Cancer RNs or doctors or radiologists who would like to just say what they have seen or experienced.

with that said I am going to run today.  I am going to do some squats and pull ups.  i have 3 months until summer....and like the dr said,   Im still young...

write ya later,
m

Cooking to make my liver happy

My liver is killing me.  

Seriously.  I even copped out of riding the Motorcyle to Denver to do more drinking with friends this afternoon just to give it a rest. 

 I hope it thanks me.  

I started my weekend hanging out with my friend Kris.  We began knitting at 9 am, which did not include drinking, although at that point I wished it had.  Later in the day we ended up at Oskar Blues to do more knitting and let the girls hang out in the play area, while we did some more drinking.  Then the men joined us which meant more drinking and food…then home, only to start all over the next mid morning.  We headed to Grimm Brothers Brewery, drank and knit…the men talked motorcycles, then when we were done there we headed to Kris's house to sit outside with the fire pit, let the girls play and do, yes you got it, more drinking.   Today we were to go to Denver to see some friends and drink some more, but I stayed home to cook.  Sheeeewwwww.   I had to, I just couldn't drink another drop, until later at least.

I cooked today.  I made stew for Bobby, enough to eat and one batch to freeze.

I made these divine Apple Muffins from the website "the girl who ate everything"

 the batter was so thick!  then Olive sprinkled the brown sugar on top

 Kid's ate the leftover batter, gross

 Wilma enjoyed them

Ilin gave them the thumbs up

so go check out that recipe.

Now I'm making veggie pot pies, gonna do my p90x and knit some more

have a great fall day!

x

m

Liver Liver on the wall

I feel like the past 4 days all I have done is have cocktails and study, well, plus work. My liver hurts. I never even balk at a cocktail but yesterday when Synda called to see if I wanted to hit up the local brewery Wednesdayfor a drink after she is done with school I wavered. Bobby and I had just dropped off Olive at Hip Hop dance class, and he wanted to go have a beer. I thought to myself, " I had a beer all ready." but the weak fool that I am...I went. so when Syndalicious called I wavered, then said OK. It's tomorrow after all. As Bob and I were sitting at the Tasty Weasel i remembered I had told Leslie that I would meet up with her on Wed. too, but at 5ish (synda is at 7ish). My liver raised an angry fist...my kidneys nephrons wadded up in anger.
hmmm what's a girl to do?
I guess I will have a Non alcoholic drink...but it is Mardi Gras week and I was actually thinking of giving up drinking for Lent. Hmmmm decisions decisions.