I get lost...
not sure what holds things down
or back
in my head.
This beautifully sad movie was not the ideal thing for me to watch today,
alone...
maybe too close to home....
Maybe made me feel
too much
and the hole opened again.
so many things I need to sit and think about,
to fix
to not be another disappointment
Being strong is what is expected...
The mean mom, the tough one,
the bitch ex wife....
(almost)
As I continue to try to run away, to escape and to be strong...
reality keeps seeping in.
I go back to work in a week and I'm not sure I'm ready.
I definitely don't want to continue to sit around but I also am not sure I can keep my shit together.
I really do not want to cry ...
I don't want to talk about it because when I do I feel the need to only say the good stuff,
because there was a lot of good stuff.
Keep the sad or morbid stuff quiet...
then I realized today,
the bucket I cram all that into is nearing the top, with no overflow.
I can't sleep
it's not all about my job etc...that really just allowed me to but a name ,or an excuse, on my feelings.
Now it's everything
every dark spot I had ,or have no control over, is there and it feels pretty vast.
I'll be fine
but I wonder what others do?
I was sent this article
I sit here and think maybe taking time off is really not the best idea...
Maybe that is the exact idea as to why they often require us to work continuously
Then I was sent a link to 10-33 foundation for reintegration...
I put it a folder last week...
today I opened it and filled it out.
I should probably write more, because I sure as shit don't want to talk more
I just want to laugh...
I want to be done with this divorce ...
because I cannot understand it and that kills me too
I get angry when I see him still sitting on the couch doing the exact same thing....
when he stuffs all my belongings in the basement and has ripped up and thrown away every family picture....
just seems really hurtful, but yet again...I hurt him
I still pay the bills and mortgage...
I'm not sure I have ever been much of anything except a bill payer ....
I don't want to talk to family because they really don't need to know
and even if they did,
what can they do.
As silly as it sounds I want to just sit and listen to the birds
or do something I can complete and be proud of...
have someone rub my back while I fall asleep
and make sure I do fall asleep...safely
I would like to sit and listen to music
and not cry...not feel that overwhelming burden.
I don't want to think about how much more I could do for the people in my life...
son, daughter, friends, lovers, family, and the people I promise to care for within my job...
There is nothing I can really do
except wait it out
figure it out
keep smiling...
and hoping I can be the person I am supposed to be.
xo,
write ya later,
m
here.....if it doesn't make you wiser...
Wiseblood
This'll be my last home
But this stream will carry me through
But this stream isn't home no more
And truth can make immune
If it doesn't make you wiser
Doesn't make you stronger
Doesn't make you live a little bit
What are you doing?
And this'll be my one remorse
But this stream's kept me abused
And this stream is a hungry course
And time can make it new
If it doesn't make you wiser
Doesn't make you stronger
Doesn't make you live a little bit
What are you doing?
If it doesn't make you wiser
Doesn't make you stronger
Doesn't make you live a little bit
What are you doing?
In these parting days, I am losing all my senses
In these timeless days, I can barely see through
In this crowded space, I am losing all my senses
In these drowned out bays, I can barely see through
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