If It Doesn't Make You Wiser.... Quarantine Days

I get lost...

not sure what holds things down

or back

in my head.

This beautifully sad movie was not the ideal thing for me to watch today,

alone...

maybe too close to home....

Maybe made me feel 

too much

and the hole opened again.

so many things I need to sit and think about,

to fix

to not be another disappointment 

Being strong is what is expected...

The mean mom, the tough one,

the bitch ex wife....

(almost)

As I continue to try to run away, to escape and to be strong...

reality keeps seeping in.

I go back to work in a week and I'm not sure I'm ready.

I definitely don't want to continue to sit around but I also am not sure I can keep my shit together.

I really do not want to cry ...

I don't want to talk about it because when I do I feel the need to only say the good stuff, 

because there was a lot of good stuff.

Keep the sad or morbid stuff quiet...

then I realized today,

the bucket I cram all that into is nearing the top, with no overflow.

I can't sleep

it's not all about my job etc...that really just allowed me to but a name ,or an excuse, on my feelings.

Now it's everything

every dark spot I had ,or have no control over, is there and it feels pretty vast.

I'll be fine

but I wonder what others do?

I was sent this article 

"I Can't Turn My Brain Off: PTSD and Burnout Threaten Medical Workers"

I sit here and think maybe taking time off is really not the best idea...

Maybe that is the exact idea as to why they often require us to work continuously

Then I was sent a link to 10-33 foundation for reintegration...

I put it a folder last week...

today I opened it and filled it out.

I should probably write more, because I sure as shit don't want to talk more

I just want to laugh...

I want to be done with this divorce ...

because I cannot understand it and that kills me too

I get angry when I see him still sitting on the couch doing the exact same thing....

when he stuffs all my belongings in the basement and has ripped up and thrown away every family picture....

just seems really hurtful, but yet again...I hurt him

I still pay the bills and mortgage...

I'm not sure I have ever been much of anything except a bill payer ....

I don't want to talk to family because they really don't need to know

and even if they did,

what can they do.

As silly as it sounds I want to just sit and listen to the birds

or do something I can complete and be proud of...

have someone rub my back while I fall asleep 

and make sure I do fall asleep...safely

I would like to sit and listen to music

and not cry...not feel that overwhelming burden.

I don't want to think about how much more I could do for the people in my life...

son, daughter, friends, lovers, family, and the people I promise to care for within my job...

There is nothing I can really do

except wait it out

figure it out

keep smiling...

and hoping I can be the person I am supposed to be.

xo,

write ya later,

m

here.....if it doesn't make you wiser...

Wiseblood

Zola Jesus

This'll be my last home

But this stream will carry me through

But this stream isn't home no more

And truth can make immune

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

And this'll be my one remorse

But this stream's kept me abused

And this stream is a hungry course

And time can make it new

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

In these parting days, I am losing all my senses

In these timeless days, I can barely see through

In this crowded space, I am losing all my senses

In these drowned out bays, I can barely see through

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

I Pick You , Dummy

"You have been alone for so long , M"

Don't have guilt....

well, you know.

I laugh...because of course things could have been handled better.

Of course I could have thought more about what the result of my actions would entail.

BUT

I did...

and I did it anyways.

and here I am

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

say anything...

and here it goes

it's a story...

like high school

all names have been changed

(all of this is not verbatim, and some may be made up)

"If I don't tell you now, I'll miss my chance."

This is stuff love stories are made of....

"I have been waiting for 4 years for this day....4 years quietly waiting"

how does this happen?

It happens because when the stupid heart picks someone ....sometimes it dwells

and dwell it does

sometimes for years at a time

sometimes it tries to date,

tries to move,

tries to be normal....

but it just can't

it waits.

stupid heart

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You are beautiul

whatever you have been told....

fuck it....

look at me

I'm telling you....

I got nothing to lose but everything....

you

are perfect....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Me:

thank you

now.....

when do I get to talk?

when can I scream to the world

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY

when do I get to stop being the hard ass

and say,

you kill me

when can I post pictures 

when can I tell a friend

when can I say....

I____________you?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

you looked at me and said this is my chance....

I haven't really dated, because of you ....

I never moved away, because of you....

the only reason I came over was to see....

you.

I have been in love with you for years....

now I sound like an idiot ...

now I have broken guy code....

now I could be totally....

I don't know....

fucked

but I had to say it to you

and now ....

I did.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

my heart

I've been alone for so long

I've been together for so long

we have been friends for so long

how did I not know?

because I love people.

I love my friends

my love is broad....

so, it's hard to distinquish

BUT

when you touched the small of my back to lead me away

I knew.

"you are breaking guy code, you know that right?"

you looked at me then looked ahead.

you opened the car door....

something that I had long forgotten was a thing

you smiled when you got in

you looked at me and sighed 

"yeah, I know....I know, but you are worth it to me....

even if I lose you and everyone else"

I wanted to punch you in the throat

I wanted to scream and run

I tried to explain you to me, which was ridiculous

but you....

you looked at me 

and shrugged

"it's just what my heart wants and I have to believe there is a higher power putting this all into motion...it has to mean something"

yes

my heart is scared

not of you....

of others....

what they will say

how to explain

why can't they see

the "say anything"

in all of this...

the testing the waters of love....

the love story,

unfolding

?

xo,

m

love stories

I promise at some point the humor will come back

I promise

seriously

write ya later

365 days: Yin and Yang ...My heart is like paper

What a night 

and then another ....

Yin and Yang of life I suppose.
With each birth there is a death
 and just as life has it,
with each death there is a birth.

Ilin Blue "Oozium"

Saturday at Helikon Gallery we celebrated the birth of this young man's art, which is going to bring him into a new life.

People flowed in from all over to see his art they had been hearing about.

The artists were all talking and excited to see who this artist was.

This artist, Ilin Blue, was a surprise to them all.

The gallery owner had no idea that Ilin ( Oozium) was only 22...

had never once shown his art before....

The gallery filled up...

they ran out of drinks....

The owner came up to me and said,

"we have never had an opening to this extent before, with this many people showing up on opening night for a group show....they are all here for him.  He has all ready sold all of his art, and it has only been 1 hour"

This young man, with the shirt he bought and pressed 2 hours earlier, clean pants and Elliot's ashes around his neck, smiled from ear to ear 

( check out the Denver Grillz)

He spoke to people as they came in.

Other artists and visitors asked for pictures with him.

He was happy.

A much needed change from the last 3 weeks.

I whispered, "your Muse made this happen...she is here..."

He smiled at me and I gave him a big hug....

Sometimes , just sometimes, good things can grow out of horrible.

 The gallery owner pulled him aside and asked if he would be willing to do reprints, ...

"of course!"

As I walked around the galleries looking at other art I realized how special tonight was.

One artist said " Have you seen the young man's art downstairs in the main building? We heard he may be coming to our gallery to stay for a while.  We can't believe his stuff...we heard he draws too....

That young man is on his way up...we hope he stays here."

I smiled and said, 

"that is my son."

My beautiful broken son...

I believe they said around 300 people walked in to see Oozium...the artist with his art on 3 full walls, 

with no art schooling, past shows, or artist tribe...

Awkwardly shaking hands, and humbly saying ,

"thank you, man"

with his signature little bow, prayer hands and huge smile.

The night was grand.

As I left the owner came up to me and said,

"we would like him to consider a full gallery show in 2020 if he is interested. 

All walls, floor to ceiling. I just can't get enough of his humble attitude and if this is his beginning we can't wait to see how he progresses."

This beginning stemmed from an end. The Muse who had all the paperwork ready to submit for this art show....then died.  

The submission that almost did not happen because he did not feel like he could do it.

But we said, "Elliot would want this"

and now the doors are open for a rebirth.

They offered him his own studio, 

A group of people with like mind to help him get out of his head and into the world.

A place to find a bit of refuge from his sadness.

a new Tribe.....

minus,

the only 

person

he 

ever 

wanted 

to 

be 

with.

The Muse...Ashton/Elliot

He enjoyed the opening, his friends kept him safe...

He went out....he came home...

all was beautiful

All was so good that he said,

"it's time I go back to the apartment"

The next day he gathered all of his stuff and went back to their little apartment,

unpacked and sat down on the bed in which she had only died 1 month prior to the day...

and cried,

and cried, 

and cried.

By the time he called I could only understand little bits and pieces but as his mom I knew the pain.

"Mom, this fucking sucks, I want her...physically next to me and she NEVER WILL BE AGAIN"

no, you are right...she never will be.

"I'm laying in the bed and I just want her, so I can tell her how great it was, how I want her to be proud, how I did all of this for her"

I know....but that is not going to happen and she opened this door for you...

please Blue, don't let her down now....cry, be sad...but breathe.

"I'm lonely, mom, I'm lonely and scared that I will always be lonely"

Blue, at night, we are all lonely, you must find a way to be ok with being lonely...

Have a place to put your sadness every night, 

then remember 

we are all alone when we close our eyes at night...

it won't get better, but it will get easier and at some point you may find solace in the fact you can be in the bed with your heart and mind open and be ok with you, just you.

You will make friends, you will go out, you will eat and sometimes you will just go out because you know you should....

and that is good.

But we are all alone at night.

I love you Ilin Blue.

I am so proud.

Only you can hold your own heart in your hands and make it ok 

I can only be here....

watching and listening

and Blue,

remember....

she would be so proud....

she wanted this for you.

❤❤

Each Death Brings Birth

Write ya later,

m

Such a Simple Thing

R.Lamontagne

Tell me what you're feeling

I can take the pain

Tell me that you mean it

That you won't leave again

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

I can't make you see

If you don't by now

I'll get through these chains

Some how

Some how

Take it if you want it

I'm so tired I just don't care

Can't you see how much you hurt me?

It's like I wasn't there

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

I can't make you see

If you don't by nowI'll get through these chainsSome howSome how

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

Parenting with no Handbook. Death Part 2: .......64 Liters of Tears

I am not sure how a body can continue to produce so many tears,

they just continue

to flow....

stop. I say....

just stop

but they don't, 

The average person cries 64 Liters of tears in their lifetime and I am going to say this does not include trauma.

As the week has passed it only appears to get harder for the loved ones trying to find answers.
To sort through the life of what is left

"everyone has a secret life" I said as he sorts through all that remains.

Old purses, notebooks, clothes, bags....

I just didn't know, Mom....I just didn't know.

knowing the love was so strong, treasures were found with the evils 

but it is neither here nor there....

it really doesn't change anything

except to one.

He had to adult in a way no young person should have to.

Her mom requested he arrange everything she would want....

because, in all honesty, he knew her. 

They talked about death

He knew what she would want

She would want a natural burial...

no chemicals, maybe buried under a tree....

with a crown of flowers, like a princess.

So, that is what they did.

3/24/19

Her body was transferred to a small place where she could be seen once again,

before her soul would be set completely free.

My heart broke for him....

I was nervous for him....

death is not only cruel, but often ugly.

She was gently placed upon a table and he was allowed to go in alone...

Just him and her....

he told me, "Mom, she is so beautiful. I am so thankful I got to see her like this....and let go of the last time I saw her.

I kissed her and held her....

and we talked."

He dressed her in the vintage robe she wore at home, 

washed her hair and anointed her body with beautiful oils.

He traced the deep Y-incision with his warm hands upon her cold chest.

She was draped with a beautiful white cloth 

He placed his carefully made crown upon her head and spread fresh flowers delicately around her

Beautiful

She was so beautiful 

His lover, His best friend, His Muse.

Beautiful

He stood for 5 hours, one hand on her heart and one hand holding the other....

Beautiful

I met them for a short time and I cried at her beauty.

no makeup, perfect freckles, and lips still perfectly full.

The crown of flowers was perfect.

I cried for her, for him and for her mother...

I held her cold hand and whispered

"safe travels beautiful girl, safe travels....Keep Ilin safe from above"

I kissed her perfectly cold cheek

my heart broken.

"I will never love again....

I should have proposed....

I shouldn't have fallen asleep that night....

I should have known"

But you didn't 

and there is nothing you could have changed.

There is only a short in-between in this situation, my sweet boy.

It unfortunately, was inevitable...

you even said,

"I knew this would happen eventually ..."

xo,

M

Parenting with no handbook : death part 1

3/23/19

death of the heart

No one ever can tell you how to handle this.

no one.

there is no book,

 lesson, 

priest, 

therapist, 

or Shaman 

who can lead you through this labyrinth of pain.

by far the hardest job I have yet to attempt and let me tell you....

it is not because I want to

I have to

As a Mom I am required to be there
 receiving the call at 7am on a Saturday morning that your son is alive....

but

his girlfriend is deceased will put even the strongest soul to their knees...you cannot run.
Hearing your son screaming in pain and heartache in the background
will make you not stand tall to the job of parenting, but will make you want to exhale every ounce of breath from your body.
Arriving and seeing your child, although alive,
in his underwear outside in 40 degree weather vomiting,
alone, pale, with only a police advocate waiting
will crush your heart into a million pieces.
Holding his head, wiping his mouth, warming him as much as the cold, cold air will allow...
as he weeps, "she was so blue, so cold, mom, mom, I did the CPR....I did everything,...I did..."
I know, baby, I know.
"every bone in her chest broke...."
I know...I'm so sorry, Bubba....
I hate this.

They blocked his view...standing in front of the car so he could not see as the body of his young lover is brought down on a cold hard stretcher in a bag ....
by people who are merely doing their job.

"you are free to get what you need and go"
That's it?


Could it get worse...?
it could have for me...
the guilt of my having my living child bellowing in my lap was only made horrifyingly worse when the other mother called him.
the wailing of pain shot out of the phone ,piercing my heart
his wailing and apologizing
my panic and fear
her pain...
her questions,
her begging for why...why did this happen
grabbing the phone and pleading
I cry....I cry for my guilt...the knowing I was there when she should have been ...
to know I saw her broken, child as they took her out....she saw nothing, no closure , only pain
"we couldn't call we couldn't call...they would not let us call...."
I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry....

He won't sleep in a bed...
he won't be alone...
He wants my hand on him when he sleeps...
but he has barely slept,
he won't eat
"It should have been me"
Baby, it very well could have been you
and now we need you to stay with us...
She would want you to stay with us
"I'm going to try, Mom...I just hurt so bad"

It's been 3 days and I can barely sleep without picturing the horrifying scenario he has told me when we sit quietly.
my stomach turns
"mom, I love you so much....this is so hard, why, why is this happening"
Bubba, it will never be ok....
I refuse to say it will be ok....
you will never forget what you saw and the last encounter
but we have to get through this
with you here.

I am doing my best
this task of parenting, loving, and praying he stays on this earth with his broken soul

please, Blue
because without you...
I will die

m




this post was held in quiet limbo until anointing, viewing, and releasing of her beautiful soul was completed

💙
to Blue and Ashton