Day 342 current state of....

affairs.

Cute, huh?

yeah....

real cute.

Life, sometimes ya just gotta get out there.

I do stuff.  I'm that go to person

"hey, I can't find anyone to (Insert ridiculous thing here)....

ya wanna go with me?"

Oh Hells yeah

Ice skating is fuuuuun

circle circle circle

laugh 

screech

laugh

catch an edge 

crunch

oh well.  

I don't think it's broken

but it sure was fun

as long as I keep some pressure on it 

it feels just fine.

Life is what you make of it and I just need to make it good right now

laugh, do, drink some beer....

put on my adventure shoes.

I know things don't stay fabulous forever,

so

maybe that is why we have to live it up while it is right there in front of you

Maybe

the part 2

is going to be the 

best part?

for however long it last?

1 month...

4 months...

ever and ever...

one never knows,

hence the reason to just 

go with the flow and laugh

and laugh I have been doing 

and crying...

but the laughing is helping

oh the beer helps too

(disclaimer: I am not a doctor....but I can vouch for beer and laughter)

xo,

write ya later

m

I Pick You , Dummy

"You have been alone for so long , M"

Don't have guilt....

well, you know.

I laugh...because of course things could have been handled better.

Of course I could have thought more about what the result of my actions would entail.

BUT

I did...

and I did it anyways.

and here I am

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

say anything...

and here it goes

it's a story...

like high school

all names have been changed

(all of this is not verbatim, and some may be made up)

"If I don't tell you now, I'll miss my chance."

This is stuff love stories are made of....

"I have been waiting for 4 years for this day....4 years quietly waiting"

how does this happen?

It happens because when the stupid heart picks someone ....sometimes it dwells

and dwell it does

sometimes for years at a time

sometimes it tries to date,

tries to move,

tries to be normal....

but it just can't

it waits.

stupid heart

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You are beautiul

whatever you have been told....

fuck it....

look at me

I'm telling you....

I got nothing to lose but everything....

you

are perfect....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Me:

thank you

now.....

when do I get to talk?

when can I scream to the world

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY

when do I get to stop being the hard ass

and say,

you kill me

when can I post pictures 

when can I tell a friend

when can I say....

I____________you?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

you looked at me and said this is my chance....

I haven't really dated, because of you ....

I never moved away, because of you....

the only reason I came over was to see....

you.

I have been in love with you for years....

now I sound like an idiot ...

now I have broken guy code....

now I could be totally....

I don't know....

fucked

but I had to say it to you

and now ....

I did.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

my heart

I've been alone for so long

I've been together for so long

we have been friends for so long

how did I not know?

because I love people.

I love my friends

my love is broad....

so, it's hard to distinquish

BUT

when you touched the small of my back to lead me away

I knew.

"you are breaking guy code, you know that right?"

you looked at me then looked ahead.

you opened the car door....

something that I had long forgotten was a thing

you smiled when you got in

you looked at me and sighed 

"yeah, I know....I know, but you are worth it to me....

even if I lose you and everyone else"

I wanted to punch you in the throat

I wanted to scream and run

I tried to explain you to me, which was ridiculous

but you....

you looked at me 

and shrugged

"it's just what my heart wants and I have to believe there is a higher power putting this all into motion...it has to mean something"

yes

my heart is scared

not of you....

of others....

what they will say

how to explain

why can't they see

the "say anything"

in all of this...

the testing the waters of love....

the love story,

unfolding

?

xo,

m

love stories

I promise at some point the humor will come back

I promise

seriously

write ya later

Friend Zone Fuckery and why it Sucks

always the friend....

It's a great title....

Looks good on life resumes....

But how long is too long.

My entire life I have been the friend, buddy, cool girl, one to call, always there, girl.

At 50 I still experience this.

A couple days ago I was walking through our local music night on Main Street, when I was approached by a friend.  I love this guy to death.  He's my age, rides Harleys, does yoga, funny, foul. and always up for a beer and a laugh. I gave him a nice hug,( as I always do with everyone) and said , "_____, what's going on with you??  You lost some weight... ya look great though" And with a smile he let loose with his recent life story which was a a bit of a bummer and slightly untimely as I was standing with a friend. I listened and smiled and all of a sudden he looked at my friend and said , " Myssi is my girl...she listens and I can always count on her to know me...."

Ok... It's good.  

I love him.  He's hot. He around ....

my friends love him ( and many have done him)....

But here it is ....

the truth,

what if I had wanted to do him?

It's a bummer because I'm never sure if I friend zoned myself or it just happened with time.

It doesn't really matter anyways...

Just thinking on paper.

What if I wanted to , ya know....grown adult consenting stuff with him?   Or any of my guy friends for that matter...

Yeah...I've friend zoned myself.

I have a few friends who crack me up about this.

" Don't you worry....I'd do ya if needed"

"Would I have to take you to dinner?"

"It would be hard to explain"

yes, yes it would.

Truth is, I don't find many men attractive.   

It's far and few between and it's not usually the norm. Many of my friends are pretty awesome and good looking but only a few are what I find mentally attractive. I love it when they text out of the blue, send funny memes, or stop by to sit and have a beer.  I love them in that way and it is what lately, has kept me moving forward.  

But....There are  a couple that I hope do text.... the few that have me checking my phone at weird times...

checking when I think they might text because they know me.  

The super early text...to say hi.  

The late night meme...

or simple picture. 

The smile emoji and a "what are ya doing?"

Those friends.

I'm pretty sure they don't know that I feel that way...or care. 

I'll just keep passing out fairly ok advice to them about their dating habits....Encourage them to forget about it.... and build them up when they text from or after their dates to say 

"Hey....what are you doin right now?"

yeah.

The ones I wish would come over and say, come on.... 

I got this....

let's get the fuck outta here.

waiting ....

   waiting ...

       waiting...

write ya later,

from the middle age bestie 

with ample free time and advice

xo,

m

I'm here for the taking....
haha