So, Here I am ...Fri Yay and enjoying a nice full night.
it has actually been quite a nice night...well, and day.
As you know, I am procedural nurse....so my day involves making people feel comfortable, calm, safe and happy. I enjoy it, but by the end of the week I am butt ass tired of smiling and putting old men's penis's in urinals and listening to EVERY SINGLE PERSON tell me how they have "rolly"veins, and the "last nurse poked me 7 times!"
Oh bullshit....
so, anyways, by Friday I am spent.
Nursing is not a job you go home and talk about. No one wants to hear about your day....you don't talk about the people who were newly diagnosed with cancer , the ones who died on your shift, or even the ones who thought you were an angel....no one really wants to discuss nursing, except nurses. So, you carry a lot of bullshit around with you.
When Friday arrives, if someone calls me and says....we are up the street, come have a cocktail....I AM IN!!!!
(me heading to Acreage for some cider....once again , the third wheel, but I'm getting used to it.)
I headed to Acreage and enjoyed a few flights of ciders and some good conversation with my friend while waiting for her hubby.
They are so cute. They have been together for about 7 years and can't get enough of each other. When we are all together it's pretty funny, because as they are kissing and goo-gooing over each other, I sit and have another beer and smile.
Third wheel syndrome.
I don't really even find it uncomfortable anymore. Some time I get sad, but not uncomfortable.
We finished our beers and they decided they wanted to hot tub.
Sounds good.....one question, we are wearing bathing suits correct?, because I love y'all but not that much.
We wore suits
Not really ready for swim suit season ....but who cares, I thought
At 50 ....I don't really care. Plus, it's friends, and they tell me 50 is the new 37.
zero fucks given.
It was nice. We sat in the tub, looked at the stars, had a cocktail and relaxed.
All my stresses cooked away in people stew.
(my poisonous gin cocktail ....
strong business right there.)
I came home and got into bed.
B, is out playing.
He has been playing a lot so it makes it easier to forget what we are going through. Easier for him to not address a single thing and for me to do what I do best....dwell and worry.
As I relaxed in bed hoping for some epiphanies I received a few texts. They are never from the person I want them to be from, but tonight it was from an old friend who is high rolling in Las Vegas.
We exchanged some banter, back and forth, as we alway do, if he finds himself bored and needing a chit chat.
He said..."M, If I win big tonight, Im sending you a plane ticket for the rest of the weekend"
I laughed and said, " well for a sugar daddy you should have all ready bought me a ticket."
He texted back and light heartedly said, " If I knew I could be your sugar daddy, I would have all ready bought the ticket and you would be here...."
made me laugh.
and I told him once again, I am not a fan of Penn and Teller and that would be our downfall.
we had a chuckle .
Now I'm alone, no texting. just writing a few feelings and sorting things out.
still trying to figure out how to do what I need to do to be happy and keep everyone else happy at the same time.
Realizing that my personality is a huge mask covering fear, hurt and anger and may never be reconciled by self and that this mask is keeping me from being free and possibly liked for who I really am... this bums me out.
contemplating giving up on a couple of things I want. Not really giving up, but letting go, because I know that when someone says they are done and they don't want it, maybe one shouldn't push it.
I'm guessing it just makes one look desperate.
Or maybe a pain in the ass
and I may be a pain occasionally, but not for this. I do not want to be that person.
Tonight ,as the third wheel ,we talked about everything from travel to sex. It is always so interesting to talk to my friends about this stuff. I have realized they come to me for travel help. Asking where I have been and how great of a planner I am and how the places are always so perfect. I should have been a travel agent. I do love going on vacation. Then it always turns to sex. Why is that? why, when my friends get 3 drinks in they want to talk crazy sex stuff and make me uncomfortable.
Sometimes I think they do it on purpose.
So, as I stated, the other thing I'm passing on for a while is sex.
Should be easy because I really don't partake any more and it is going to take an act of God to make me feel comfortable enough to ever get naked with anyone again.
Connection and intimacy are key to inner glow and the idea is great. My friends state I should try new techniques for initiating sex, such as asking nice questions to establish lost closeness.
Hmmmmm
Remember , this is all Hot Tub talk
Suggestions were as follows:
"Would you play me a slow song?'....
This about killed me on the spot. riiiight....not going to happen.
Offer a nice massage and move into the next step , nice and smooth....
If we don' t kiss or talk, how will a massage initiate sex? He would literally question my sanity.
at this point I'm willing to wait for the person who makes me happy....and pray for the best.
Well Hot tub confessionals were just fine and I hope I don't get an disease
I also hope I can change the way I do things before I lose everyone, including myself
Write ya later
m
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