Tangled

I woke from the dream and realized I had moved across the expanse of the bed and was pushed up against him. Bare skin of my backside, curled against his front

Dreaming of warmth and safety,

skin to skin touching

warmth

so warm and perfectly fitting...sleep

I was wakened as he was attempting to turn away from my touch,

gently untangling the legs I had naturally wrapped around his.

As he used the excuse to leave the bed for the bathroom I found myself embarrassed...

scooting back to my cold sleepless area of the bed, I glanced at the clock and wondered when I had pulled off my sleep clothes.

2:12 am ....my most hated hour of non sleep.

So tired, cold, even under the heated blanket.... and very very alone.

Returned to bed and turning away, I am left to think.

Let it go. No tears, it's 2 am and you have to be up in a few hours to work.

2/18/19

Off the internet

Loveless Marriage they call it. 

Loveless is a a term I cannot say, because I do not feel this way.

Rejected Marriage may be more apropos. Sex, less than 10 times a year, in a shared bed and no intimate connection puts me into a realm I am unable to discuss with anyone, even therapists.

4 times...4 times

I question me, now....my heart , my body, my brain....often my sanity.

Crying in private has become coping.

I listen to others express how even in anger there is intimacy 

There is no anger...just apathy. just inconvenience.

Whispers at parties in my ear..." I hope he knows how lucky he is..., I wish my wife ( insert anything here)"...

heart broken. 

I am not weak, I am loving...

some days I wake thinking, " just accept it" 

I cannot correct this 

This is not for me to correct.

It is going to work itself out.

It will

For now, I just live and love.

I have a few bright spots in my life 

and I am trying not to lose them,

Or for them to walk away...

this is a test of patience and kindness, for me.

The need for conversation and thoughts outside my head is strong...

understanding and just conversation about everyday life would help my soul

patience

write ya later,

so

m