Some times things are just that....
"Simple"
As I have been doing my homework for therapy I have been struggling with how I can be better.
Not better as a person, because honestly I am a pretty great person...
but better in my abilities to help the ones I love be better people. (and to not sound like a twat, to also help me see the ways I have made mistakes and possibly not do them any more, or at least know that I am doing it)
Now we all know you cannot change a person, but with gentle encouragement one may be able to help a grown ass adult see the light in a different way. Maybe shut up for a minute and say," wait a minute, I have never thought of it like that."
Granted , this is not a thing for teen to 37 year olds, but I think at about 40 or so, people are able to have some insight to life.
So, I came across this beautifully logical article and it just made sense.
PERFECT SENSE
Here is the mystical answer I was looking for.....
The Secret to Love is Just Kindness
seems legit
As I read said article I got all antsy on the inside.
YES!!!!
how many times in my life, to myself (under my breath), or to my partners and even to my kids....
JUST BE KIND.
BE KIND
So, in my struggle to figure out how I can be the best I can be for all the people I cross paths with and attempt to build people up instead of accidentally (or not) tear them down , I took this study to heart.
You can be kind or be an asshole and the relationships ,and I'm gonna guess this goes for not only lovers but friends too, which survive are the ones who are actively kind and responsive.
here is the part that hit me in the heart and made me say ..."this right here"
Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that
The partner has a choice, read it again,..... a choice.
Turn towards or away
acknowledge in a kind manner (regardless if you give a shit or not) or turn away.
I have been guilty of this.
I remember early on in my relationship I was so unsure and unsafe from the baggage I carried (and still carry) that I could not accept anything as truth.
"you are beautiful" was answered with "whatever" and thoughts of "they say that to everyone".
It was my answer to everything.
Even though this person, looking me in the eye, was saying it because they felt it.
I negated those feelings, I turned away, I did not connect.
This habit does not make for a relationship of trust and love.
I am only going to point out that one thing. There were many, and they came back like shots in a war zone. I will not talk about the other person, because he did what he did to protect his heart.
18 years now and we still turn away and I know we are doing it.
Even when we try to be kind, I feel it and I question it, now in the back of my head...."he's just saying that because the therapist told him to" or "he knows I'm upset so he is trying to back track"
I never think
"he loves me"
can you see the problem here?
Moving forward with a smile, I am, at 50, learning to accept responsibility and the love people can offer and give it back. There is no reason for me to be a dick to people anymore, and honestly there never was a reason. My wings were never broken they were just not fully expanded and now they are. I know my faults and I hope people reading this will understand their faults too.
That pointing out people's ugly traits to their faces is not always the best in the long run.
be kind.
love hard
listen
touch
and
don't wait to tell someone their good things
and be understanding that your bad things....
they can be fixed
I believe in you
and me
just listen.... so far from ok...........
little changes, let us make.
xo,
m
No comments:
Post a Comment