I have decided to write my truth.
No longer trying to impress or protect feelings. I need to write for me. Although, in some sense, writing it makes it real and I'm not sure I am ready for real.
No longer trying to impress or protect feelings. I need to write for me. Although, in some sense, writing it makes it real and I'm not sure I am ready for real.
My heart is lost. Knowing one should never depend on another is a reality that does not work for me. The reason being : I chose a person to spend time with, yet we have apparently changed so much that I’m not sure we can continue. My marriage is ok, friend wise, but I can’t survive the lack of intimacy.
Is this a rarity ?
Or is this a reality ?
Intimacy is a normal need, a want, a true necessity for me. I have had sex in my relationship an average of 3 times a year for 17 years.... this is not ok, yet when you take 15 years to say something it becomes one's own fault.
I am a sexual person. I need it. I need touch and physical intimacy.
I don’t believe this is odd.
Is this a rarity ?
Or is this a reality ?
Intimacy is a normal need, a want, a true necessity for me. I have had sex in my relationship an average of 3 times a year for 17 years.... this is not ok, yet when you take 15 years to say something it becomes one's own fault.
I am a sexual person. I need it. I need touch and physical intimacy.
I don’t believe this is odd.
One of the biggest dilemmas is justifying this need at almost 50 years of age. I am no longer attractive or a commodity, so to expect to be loved or wanted is almost asinine. Honestly, it fucking sucks ...,,...It is also somewhat asinine to this I would ever connect with anyone in that manner at this age. I am too set in my quirky ways and life.
I don’t want to blame him, but I do.I'm resentful.
I’m here. Yet, if he has no attraction to me, there is nothing I can do to change that. I am to the point that I cannot find myself attractive either. Everyday I go without touch or acknowledgment I hate myself more. Really. I must love myself but when living in this situation with no acknowledgement, it’s hard. Connection of body. Connection of minds .... it's as if I am living in solitary confinement.
I’m here. Yet, if he has no attraction to me, there is nothing I can do to change that. I am to the point that I cannot find myself attractive either. Everyday I go without touch or acknowledgment I hate myself more. Really. I must love myself but when living in this situation with no acknowledgement, it’s hard. Connection of body. Connection of minds .... it's as if I am living in solitary confinement.
My heart is huge. My ability to love and express love is probably irritating to most. So much , yet no place to disperse. To connect at this age? Please.
A sacred real self will most likely never happen.
To laugh secretly and smile, know each other... yet be content.
That feeling of wanting to touch the leg or hand of the person. To want everyone to know how great life is .... I will try to ground myself..., people are too closed to be open within love .
To laugh secretly and smile, know each other... yet be content.
That feeling of wanting to touch the leg or hand of the person. To want everyone to know how great life is .... I will try to ground myself..., people are too closed to be open within love .
Question now, do I give up and just move towards the end as I am? Knowing this must be the path picked for me.....or change, even though it may be worse ?
As far as self awareness what do I do? Just be? Just be still and let what happens, happen? Let it be ? Just be, move with the issues as it happens or set change into motion?
As for now, I will just breathe. I have not lost my sense of humor. I have not lost my health or ability to love others and help. I have not lost my ability to acknowledge others and bring them to a higher point and to make them smile....
so all in all,
maybe intimacy is just a really small drop in the bucket
write ya later,
m
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