Disgust

miserable lives start within the heart.  It happens quite quickly, contrary to popular belief.  It can go from You are the most awesome greatest coolest smartest cutest I cant wait to be with you every minute of my life to, in one glance....disgust.
disgust.
You can't even find anything funny about that word.
the look shoots from the eyes in a blank, yet hateful, stare.  Amazing the eyes can tell so much.
Reminds me of dagger eyes my mom used to throw when I was young.
I have yet to perfect this glare, thank god.
I chose to never learn the glare....to change the pattern.

How hate can hold a person hostage for so long.  It eats them up inside.  Makes them grey in color....turns the hair grey.  turns the teeth grey....no light or shine emits from them any more when you look at them.  No longer can you look into their soul and see redeeming qualities....its just dark, cold, yuk....
They rot within.  Never wanting to change or attempt change.  No spark in the voice or beauty in the past, no glowing reviews for the talent they once had, and definitely no beautiful hope for the future.  Just rote, day by day.  Like clock work.   every day.
Tick Tock
Tick Tock

I wonder what it feels like, to dwell on the anger like this.  Does the brain just roll in and out of What ifs and Just waits?
To watch each season pass , each day with an angry word.  Hate...I hate this weather, I hate this place, I hate winter, I hate my job....I hate you....you disgust me.

~shivers~

It does not have to be that way.   your heart can change.   it has to have a want to change, so there may lie the problem.
Maybe you are a good person under neath it all.  You used to be.  Now no one wants to be near you...but you can change.  you can choose not to be grey.
You can break the grey, it wont be easy, but you can do it.
we can wait.   we have waited this long....
Letting go and seeing more than yourself...put yourself out there... change your day...
choose not to be an asshole.


write ya later,
m

Ahhhhh Grassssssshopper....

you tied the belt too tight.
It's hard to picture isn't it?
Natural causes...
I guess it's pretty natural to run out of air when you have a belt around your neck and you are dangling 2 inches from the floor with your penis in your hand.

I was talking to my friend about this....
Men are flippin weird. Women would never think about doing this (well very rarely) and I'm sure if we did, we would have at least fancy shoes on for when they found us.
So, here the scenario: David comes home from a long day of filming (did i mention he was in Thailand?) and feels a bit frisky. Hmmmm I'm a little tired today so i guess I'll get naked, find my old crappy belt, put it around my neck and this secure spot in the closet, play with my ding a ling and then see if I can fall to my knees and hope this bar here in the closet doesn't break....oh yeah, and I got to remember to try to stand up right when I'm *finished* wink wink.
Back to the Thailand thing...isn't that the land of little hookers, and the place you can get ANYTHING sexual you could possibly want?...or does doin yourself in the closet sound better?
While I am on the subject about the weirdness of men...
Must they really masturbate all the time? Working in the hospital you see and hear all kinds of crazy things. As a woman, IF i had a penis (first of all I would love it) most importantly I would NEVER EVER stick it in a vacuum cleaner. I would NEVER EVER stick it in a beer bottle. I also would never stick a beer bottle up my butt or vahooha...I just have a bit of common sense and getting off is not that important to me. I would much rather have my pride.

So next time you think about doing a little yanky yanky hanging from the closet bar either :

1. make sure you have someone there with you to get you back on your feet and belt off your neck.
2. make it look like suicide...that means let go of your penis (maybe you clamp down when this happens)
or
3. just remember Grasshopper say "Not good idea, Sensei".